Gordon in the morning: ... and his big chums Coldplay

Of course, the fifteen hundred words that Gordon wrote yesterday about wasn't the actual Coldplay interview, it was just Gonzo journalism. Not in the Hunter S Thompson sense, more in the Muppets sense: a strange creature hanging around backstage ill-advisedly taking the spotlight.

That means we don't even get to the interview today. And what's Gordon's big scoop after all this unprecedented access?

THERE is one huge drawback being in a globally successful rock ’n’ roll band on the road – missing The X Factor.

For a revelation like that, Rebekah Wade will be signing off any expenses claim. "If you go overseas, you can't see British television". Whoever would have thought?

Actually, you'd have thought that Martin might have sprung for a Slingbox - or, if they cared that much, got someone to send out the thing on DVD. Bloody hell, twenty years ago Smash Hits would routinely detail touring bands receiving tapes of Coronation Street. And that was back in an age when video technology hadn't even left the swamp.

There's also this:

Another story that turned their heads in America was the BBC “Manuelgate” prank phone call scandal.

Chris said: “The Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross situation, now that was world news. Jonathan Ross is funny and he’ll be back.

“I have to say, if someone phoned me up and said they had done that to my grandaughter I would be livid.”

Let's leave aside the searing insight from Martin - "Jonathan Ross will be back" is the sort of wisdom sadly missing from the Guardian MediaTalk Podcast - in what way was this 'world news'? I was out the country at time and, surprisingly, none of the US networks seemed to be in the least bit interested in a small spat over a late-night radio programme. Funny, that.

But it's not just media stories to which Smart and Martin bring forensic attention. Oh, no, they do politics as well:

He joked: “The Palin situation did my head in. It is a moral dilemma when you fancy someone but you don’t agree with anything they say. Do I want to kiss you or run away? I haven’t had that feeling since school.

“All girls have something incredible about them. In fact, I would definitely sleep with Ann Widdecombe. I stand by that comment, even when it’s all over the internet.”

Guy, the bass player and heart-throb of the band, joked: “I wouldn’t say no to Sarah Palin.”

How impressive that Chris Martin's acknowledgment of the one hundred and fifty years of struggle by women to have their voice represented in the seats of power comes down to if he wants to kiss them or shag them. What a literal tosser.

Apparently convinced that he's morphed into David Frost, Gordon then brings the conversation round to Baby P. Given that they're a dull band of millionaires, is there anything Coldplay can bring to the debate other than muttering some platitudes?

Guy, 30, who has a two-year-old daughter, said: “One of the worst crimes anyone could commit is abusing a child. It’s saddening. I can’t actually believe that people could do it.

“I don’t know what must have happened for them to do something like that. It is beyond comprehension.”

At least, you'd think, they'd have something to say when they get on to music, right? But the trouble is, Gordon clearly isn't even listening to what his new chums are saying. Chris attempts to flesh out his thoughts about the band finishing in the next couple of years:

“Being in a band is like being a footballer. We have an age limit. It is fine to be a middle-aged band but you have to have put the work in.

“By the time the Rolling Stones were our age, they had five times as many albums. Before you get to 33 you’ve got to have at least five albums. We don’t want to sit around and drink cocktails."

After Chris Martin laments that Coldplay's output is just twenty per cent that of The Stones, how does Smart react?

The band’s work ethic is seriously impressive.

No, Gordon - they've just said that it isn't. What makes it even more cringey is that Gordon would have written this after hearing Martin say it in the flesh, after having transcribed it from the interview, and then having typed it into the interview. Three times Martin admitted the band were slackers, and Smart still hails their work ethic. Perhaps he just couldn't get Martin and Widdecombe out his head.

When Beckham acts

So, there was something quite triumphant about Victoria Beckham's cameo in Ugly Betty after all. Watching it straight after Anne Widdecombe's marshalling of Have I Got News For You, it made Widdy look like the greatest comedy talent in the world.

The Betty team went wrong giving her lines: it's perhaps heartbreaking that Beckham is incapable of playing herself convincingly, but at least if all she had to do was wave and stand up, she'd have got away with it.

You do wonder if the 'Beckham locked in a cupboard' part of the episode was the result of a quick rewrite having seen her mangle her lines in earlier scenes. "Oh, bugger, just lock her in a cupboard..."

It says a lot about stage schools that, despite not having gone to one, Vera Wang out-performed Beckham, who had.

Fans of Beckham's acting will also have had the pleasure of the Tesco advert appearing. We're not quite sure we understand this: the five Spices independently turn up at the same branch of Tesco at the same time, and try to hid from each other. But why? Are they ashamed of being seen in Tesco? And if that's the point, why would Tesco have spent a fortune creating an advert suggesting that its stores are the sort of place where even Mel C would be embarrassed to be shopping in? Is their big Christmas message really supposed to be "Go on, try the Co-Op; you can hold your head up in there"?

The underwhelming nature of the Tescos ad has, at least, allowed me to find some rare common ground with Kerry Katona. She's not impressed, either:

"I know it's competition for my Iceland adverts, but it's not as good as mine, so it's fine."

Well, that's going a little far, Kerry. It's not that rotten.