Kerrang Awards: You've all done very well

Last night, at a venue that clearly couldn't be too fussy about dress code, the Kerrang Awards 2008 were given out.

So, who won what?

Best International Newcomer: Black Tide
Best British Newcomer: Slaves To Gravity

The future is looking rubbish, then.

Kerrang Icon Award: Trivium

Icon? Icon?

Best Video: Coheed And Cambria - Feathers

This is, perhaps, the most obscure collection of awards handed out this year. This is what happens when your readership retreats to its hardcore...

Best Single: 30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill

... well, up until a point

Best Album: Avenged Sevenfold - Avenged Sevenfold

They picked up this award from Cristina Scabbia, which is a bit like asking Michael Phelps to give out a ten metres swimming certificate.

Best Live Band: Machine Head

Enter Shikari won this last year. Much good it did them.

Classic Songwriter: Def Leppard

Ah, yes: "I suppose a rock's out the question". It's not a Kerrang award they should be getting, surely that sort of songwriter deserves the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square?

Spirit Of Independence: Dillinger Escape Plan

We have no idea what this award is meant to be rewarding them for. Is it that they paid for their own tickets?

Best British Band: Bullet For My Valentine

You can tell they're classy, as Jo Whiley voiceovers their ads.

Best International Band: 30 Seconds To Mars

That'll show EMI...

Hall of Fame: Rage Against The Machine

Happily being inducted into an award promoted by an international media conglomerate...

Inspiration: Metallica

Well, yes: they certainly inspired the RIAA a hell of a lot...

A working definition of how marketers imagine goth

The completely heartbreaking nature of Bulley For My Valentine listening parties inside Hot Topics, and what it says about marketing and PR people trying to 'do' youth cultures they really don't understand, is so far from what goth actually is, it could get a part as 'oldest goth child' in a British sitcom.

VALENTINES UNHAPPY WITH ZOMBIES

There's nothing harder than thinking you're a name band and then finding yourself on the bottom of a three-act bill. It's happened to Bullet for My Valentine and they're feeling their egos in pain.

Opening up for Lacuna Coil and Rob Zombie has upset Matthew Tuck:

"Yo, check it. We get just 30 minutes on this ZOMBIE tour, that's it!!! So there's not a lot of time to fuck around. Apologies for not playing all these [songs], but shit, man, you can't please all the people all the time. Next time, bro. As for the merchandise, ZOMBIE makes us price match him so, yup, it's fuckin $40 for a t-shirt, which is insane, I know. Greedy money-grabbing fucks. We're only allowed two pieces of merch, too, which sucks ass. Unfortunately, being first on on a tour like this sucks, but it's gotta be done. As I write this, I'm sitting on the fuckin' floor of the venue 'coz we don't have a dressing room again, 'coz fuckin Zombie takes them all for him, his band and crew. Basically, we are shit to him, but fuck it — if this is what it takes to get a name over here, then it's gotta be done. I'm not one to fuck around with words, so yes, we are not being treated well on this tour. Oh yeah, we don't get a soundcheck either. Fuckin' pissed at this tour, man."

There is a temptation to say "oh, boo-hoo, is life tough on the undercard?", but really, the more pressing question is if they're so annoyed at having to charge forty bucks for a shirt, then why not, erm, not sell any shirts? "God, Rob Zombie says if we want to sell shirts we have to rip off our fans. Well, I guess we'd better rip 'em off, then..."

music bullet for my valentine rob zombie matt tuck lacuna coil