Jessie J: Win your chance

Coca-Cola's extraordinary 'water with some vague vitamin' product Glaceau is currently running a contest to let a lucky winner go to London and party with Jessie J.

A London promotional party with Jessie J? What could possibly go wrong with one of those?

Gordon in the morning: Gordon reads Q, misses story

Adele's interviewed in Q this month, and Gordon dutifully copies it out and slaps a headline on it:

ADELE has snubbed big-money arena tours and festival gigs this summer - in favour of drinking bottles of Diamond White down the park.

Gordon seems to have taken her a little over-literally when she says she turned down three nights at the O2 to spend time with her friends instead:

"That's all I'll be doing - sitting in Brockwell Park with my friends, drinking cider."

Adele comes across as lovely in the interview but Gordon seems to miss the obvious hook for a shit-stirring headline:

She told Q Magazine, out today: "I like things now I've got it but I'd still be alive and healthy and a good person if I didn't have money. But if I was money-driven, I'd be very excited by the money coming in. I'd be the face of full-fat Coke. Get another million in the bank!"

Oddly, Gordon doesn't have anything to make of what is clearly a well-aimed dig at Duffy's toe-curling Coke ad cash grab. Given that he was trying to turn a comment about crisps into a focus for the piece, that seems a bit of an oversight.

Coca Cola to use music to target teens, destroy teeth, ultimately ruin music

High sugar sticky water Coca Cola has outlined plans to make music a little worse in order to flog bottles of drink to young people. AdAge explains:

"There's a strategic clarity of growth objectives driven by the 2020 Vision," said Shay Drohan, senior VP-sparkling brands. "We can't afford not to talk to teens. You can't think, 'Teens already know us,' and skip a couple of years. Every six years there's a new population of teens in the world."

"... and the ones we'd been talking to six years ago are probably already too busy with type-two diabetes and dental visits to care about us."

So, the plan is to spume out the Coca Cola Music project. Coke and music go together like Ross and Rachel, in that it's a relationship that nobody really quite believes works, but they keep returning to it because the people in charge don't really have any other ideas and hope we all join in pretending it's a good thing and a plausible pairing.

Coke's previous run outs in music included The Moment When Everyone Realised Jack White Was Just A Hack For Hire; that Robin Beck single; the expensive flop of MyCokeMusic and setting Michael Jackson's hair on fire.

I know, technically that was Pepsi but, substantially, they're both the same thing and really any attempt to make people drink fizzy pop might as well work as well for one brand as the other, don't you think?

So, how are Coke going to impose themselves in teenagers' lives? Is it by getting to know them as individuals, taking care to tailor their advertising messages to them as close to personally as possible?

Given the rapid growth of the teen market globally, Coca-Cola plans to take the campaign to more than 100 markets. Six markets, China, India, Indonesia, Nigeria, Pakistan and the U.S., will house half of the teen population by 2020.

Coca-Cola has been focused on making its efforts more global in nature, something it's done for its Olympics and World Cup efforts.

"Now there's a degree of global consistency, so everyone is [targeting teens] at the same time," Mr. Drohan said. Before, one country would focus on teens one year and then another year, another country."

The company views teens broadly as 13- to 19-year-olds, which requires the marketer to "look for the highest common denominator," Mr. Drohan said. "As we go around the world looking for insights and understanding, we say, 'Is this something local that we want to tap into or is this something more universal?'"

Well done to the top-paid marketing boffin Shay Drohan for backing the hitherto never-suspect idea that teens are, broadly, 13 to 19 year-olds. You wonder how many focus groups burned up time spotting that 12 is not pronounced twoteen.

But what a wonderful idea - why not conclude that a thirteen year-old boy in Swindon, once he hides the sticky magazines under his duvet and sprays some Lynx around to hide the smell, is substantially no different to a nineteen year-old woman in Lahore. And - hey - if teens around the world aren't actually a single blob of indistinguishable marketing types, at the very least Coke's advertising department will do its best to push them a little closer in that direction.

This is partly about that thing where "fans" will "work" with Maroon 5 to write a song, none of the royalties from which will flow back to the fans. To be fair, getting British fourteen year-olds to make entertainment products that they can't relate to, and won't share in the profits of, does bring their life experiences a little closer to that of Chinese 14 year-olds working to make ipods, so let's not dismiss Coke's ideas totally.

But Coke has other ideas, too:

Coca-Cola has partnered with One Night Only, an emerging band in the U.K., and Taio Cruz, a British singer and songwriter. One Night Only has written and recorded a new track called "Can You Feel It," which features Coca-Cola's signature five-note melody. It will be the soundtrack for a new global spot from Wieden & Kennedy, Amsterdam. Mr. Cruz will be working with artists selected by teens in various markets on a track he has created.

I'm sure One Night Only's track based around an advertising jingle is precisely the song they would have written anyway, and not the actions of an already dismal band cashing in the last of whatever integrity they might have had left to pass all editorial control to Atlanta.

Of course, you can't run a dead-eyed, heartless carnival like this without having the experts in that sort of destroyed dream on board. The big question is which of the RIAA Big Four are trying to hide the stench.

Step forward, Universal:

"We are working hard at Universal to bring our artists closer to their fans through unique experiences, and we believe that Coca-Cola Music is the perfect, innovative platform to continue this," Andrew Kronfeld, exec VP-international marketing, Universal Music Group International, said in a statement.

Yes. What better way to bring your artists closer to their fans than interpolating the presence of a multinational softs drink company to sell them fizzy drinks before they get to hear a song, eh?

"The artists taking part in the program are all excited to be part of opening up the creative process to teens around the world, and allowing their fans an exclusive chance to get involved with making great new music."

He continued: "You know, the fans could be out there making their own great new music, and indeed, most of the truly talented ones will be. After all, the real revolution of the internet has been to take the controls which used to make it hard for people to make and share and distribute music, which is why we're in this right old pickle having to team up with Mountain Dew or whatever to try and shore up our collapsing share of listening... oh, shit, I've gone off message again, haven't I?"

Indeed, Coca-Cola execs across the board, including CEO Muhtar Kent, have been trumpeting the importance of teens recently. "Our success in growing our sparkling category today depends on our ability to grow and connect with teens, the generation of tomorrow," Mr. Kent said at the Consumer Analyst Group of New York conference last month.

"Our sparkling category" - that's how they talk about their product, differentiating it from the Dansai and Glaceau, which I suspect they call the "tap water we've put into bottles" category.

To put Kent's comments into less mealy-mouthed words: if Coca Cola can't hook the kids before puberty does, we're sunk.

I can't help feeling that music probably deserves better than being used to sucker kids into that.

Maroon 5 cuts out the middle men, gets fans to do their job

Maroon 5 - yes, it turns out they're still going for some reason - are inviting fans to tell them what their music sounds like.

Given the sludge of their records sounds like it's been created by a series of focus groups anyway, it's not entirely clear what difference this might make.

I think we're supposed to assume that up until now, the band's songs have been created by the five members working together; by inviting all their fans to collaborate instead, they're going to see what it's like if fewer people create a track.

The recording session, to be held in London, will be steamed live on the internet and the band will work with fans in real time to create the one-off track.

Fans will appear to the group through a movement based projection system, which will stream their thoughts and comments to the whole studio space rather than the group - Adam Levine, James Valentine, Jesse Carmichael, Michael Madden and Matt Flynn - having to gather around a computer screen.

Yes, this idea is so dull, they're trying to make having a projector sound like it's an exciting development. Jesus, guys, even the monthly East Midlands Region Wagon Wheel Sales Team meeting hooks a laptop to a projector.

The really heartbreaking thing is that isn't even something Maroon 5 are doing because it's a good idea, but are instead doing it because Coke are paying them:

The session takes place in association with Coca Cola, and Joe Belliotti, Director of Global Entertainment Marketing for the company, said: "We are excited to be working with Maroon 5. "They have worked closely with us to help shape the event and ensure the session will be a fun and engaging experience for fans no matter where in the world they are.

"This is the most ambitious and experimental effort in music Coca-Cola has ever undertaken."

Really, Mr Belliotti? Wasn't attempting to build a Coke-branded digital music download store and unseat Apple as the key provider of online music not a little bit more ambitious than putting an internet-enabled PC in a recording studio?

Still, it'll be a lot of fun, I'm sure, and can I just stress that logging in simply to suggest writing a song about how great Pepsi is, or the way trades unionists whose activities were awkward for Coca-Cola had a nasty habit of turning up dead would be a terrible abuse of the generosity of the Coca-Cola company. If that's the sort of thing you're planning, you might want to keep well away from the project's website.

Duffy can bike, if she likes

There were complaints, you know, about Duffy's Diet Coke advert. The Advertising Standards Authority has considered the ones about her lack of safety equipment - the more visceral 'why, in god's name, why?' ones are outside their remit.

And the ASA says it's okay:

The authority said the cycling sequence was clearly "unreal and fantastical" and the ad was not shown around programmes children were likely to be watching.

The report continued "...and besides, it's Duffy -if she rode down the street in a way that drew attention to herself, she'd be making herself a target, wouldn't she? Some people are better off skulking about in the shadows, knoworramean?"

Actually, Coke denied she had ridden her bicycle without proper preparation:

Coca-Cola said it carried out a "vigorous" assessment of highway code regulations. Duffy had been wearing a black and white sequined top that reflected light and gave her a "luminous glow" so that she stood out in the dark. The soft drinks company added that the bike had lights.

"No, officer, my headlights might be out, but look at the luminous glow I'm giving off. I'm able to see three miles ahead using my aura alone."

Still, the news that the advertising agency spent so long reading the Highway Code explains why they clearly only had about three minutes to come up with that awful "Hello You" slogan.

Duffy has 'ad it

Sadly, Duffy decided to wait until everyone had seen the eye-poking terror of her 'bicycling off to get some Diet Coke with a look of terror on my face' advert. If only she'd decided that doing adverts wasn't really her before, eh?

"I have only got 100 per cent to give and all of that goes towards being creative, so I can't really open the doors to all the other things.

"I have so many desires creatively, but I have to tread carefully that I also don't sell myself out personally.

"What you see with me is what you get. I just put my whole energy into the creative side."

Presumably, the lack of even the most stubborn stain of creativity in that Diet Coke ad means that she didn't feel it would eat into that 100%.

The following complaint about sponsorship is brought to you by MoanAtSponsors.com

Given that the Millennium Dome is now styled as the O2 Arena, it might seem a little late to complain about the creep of sponsorship across the venue, but this does seem a step too far:

Coca-Cola has signed a sponsorship deal with O2 arena-owners AEG Europe to become “official pouring rights partner” at the London venue.

What, exactly, is a "pouring rights partner", official or otherwise?

Jack White suddenly not happy being a Coca-Cola shill

You'd have thought that with Jack White having happily taken the Coca-Cola shilling in the past, he'd be used to the way the company works. Apparently not so. he's annoyed that Coke have used his James Bond theme in a Coke Zero advert:

"Jack White was commissioned by Sony Pictures to write a theme song for the James Bond film 'Quantum Of Solace', not for Coca Cola," read the statement. "Any other use of the song is based on decisions made by others, not by Jack White.

"We are disappointed that you first heard the song in a co-promotion for Coke Zero, rather than in its entirety."

It's hard to feel any sympathy for White at this high-handed behaviour by the good people at the fizzy drink company - when he recorded his jingle for Coke back in 2006, he didn't seem that bothered about, say, the treatment of Columbian trades unionists who would sometimes turn up dead after taking on Coca-Cola. If I remember correctly, White's Coke jingle was called What Goes Around Comes Around. More apt than perhaps he realised at the time.

Pop takes Fiddy's water

In a nice bit of business, Coca-Cola have attempted to shore up their declining bottom line by buying into Energy Drinks. The smaller company, which flogs water designed to be carried into gyms, was ten per cent owned by 50 Cent; he's expected to be nearly half a million dollars better off as a result of the takeover.