You ain't no Shirley Bassey

Is there anything more likely to turn your whole body in on itself than the sight of those adverts movie companies place trying to get votes from Oscars judges?

Oh, hang on, there is. A new level of cringe:

Dear @007 Ive been waiting patiently to be able to sing the next theme.I was BORN to do it.Please don't give it to someone else again!

— Paloma Faith (@Palomafaith) February 6, 2015

I don't think they choose the Bond theme that way, Paloma.

Rule of thumb: If a medium won't work when you post 'OMG HARRY STYLES MARRY ME', it probably isn't the best place to audition for a high profile job. Except that time Mark Carney did '@georgeosborne I could so be Bank Boss have got new calculater ;)'

Gordon in the morning: Up to his neck

Gordon goes to the Bond premiere, and gets confused:

DAME JUDIE DENCH appeared to have arrived at the Skyfall premiere via Essex.

The actress got her neck vajazzled with the 007 logo and was keen to show off her work to the snappers.

Isn't the whole point of "vajazzle" that it is very much about where it is? Does Gordon have such a very poor grasp of female anatomy?

Gordon in the morning: Rolling closing credits in the deep

Gordon pulls together a bunch of creepy-stalkery details on Adele's movements that he thinks links her to the next Bond movie:

She first hinted that she’d been offered the 007 spot in a chat with Jonathan Ross last year.

Soon after that Adele started preliminary sessions with producer Paul Epworth.

Her visit to the historic Abbey Road facilities suggests she’s been recording with Thomas Newman, the man director Sam Mendes has hired to take charge of the Bond music.

"Also, I found a dog-eared copy of the novelisation of Moonraker lying on her bedside cabinet, and I collected some hair from her hairbrush which I used to make a locket which... uh... no, forget the hair bit."

But hang on a moment, is Smart really piecing this together?

BOND bosses are being more secretive than MI6 over who will sing over the closing credits of the latest 007 flick Skyfall.

The appearance of the word "closing" there is curious - wouldn't the normal assumption be that you'd be hiding in the bins watching Adele record the opening theme? Unless, of course, you weren't really using deductive skills and were just trying to disguise some sort of leak.

24 Hours from David: 23. We Have All The Time In The World

Hal David worked with John Barry for the theme tune to On Her Majesty's Secret Service. It then got reworked all over me by My Bloody Valentine. This appeared on an album Peace Together, a 1993 attempt to solve the Troubles in Ireland through the power of indie guitar music. It wasn't all Bond covers - it included Curve doing Ian Dury and Therapy? having a go at being the Police. But the Valentines doing Bond was something of a highlight.

Altogether now: "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to disappear for twenty years burning through Alan McGee's money."

[Buy: Peace Together]
[Part of 24 Hours from David]

Gordon in the morning: No, Mr Smart, I expect you to lie

Dan 'lost' Sales has a red-hot exclusive for Gordon's page today, claiming that Noel Gallagher is going to write the new Bond theme:

The Wonderwall writer, 44, is to meet 007 bosses within the next few days to discuss writing the title track.

A source told The Sun: "They're going to talk about potentially writing and performing the song for next year's new Bond film.

"Nothing is signed or official, it's just being discussed at the moment."

This might come as a surprise to Bizarre readers, who were assured by Gordon hi'self last month that Adele was doing the theme:

ADELE's voice must be back to its best – she has started trying to match Shirley Bassey's huge vocals.

She's warming up her pipes ready to start recording the next James Bond theme.

Perhaps it'll be a duet.

Or maybe The Sun is just making stuff up.

Seriously: Gallagher doing a Bond theme? Don't they usually for someone the American audience have heard of?

Gordon in the morning: Simon Cowell goes to the movies

The story Simon Cowell tells about why he doesn't go to the pictures tells us a lot about Cowell's self-image:

The last straw came while watching Hugh play a washed-up Eighties singer in the 2007 romantic comedy Music And Lyrics.

He said: "The last time I went to the cinema publicly was for a movie where Hugh Grant was a failing singer songwriter."

To be fair, I think a lot of people saw Music And Lyrics and emerged grimly pledging that they would never, ever go to a cinema again. I think a few people in County Durham even put their own eyes out to make sure they never saw another film, even by accident.

But Cowell has different reasons for not going:

"Some people recognised me and every time his character sang a song in the movie, everyone turned around to look at me.

"I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

"It was terrible, they looked at me as if I was going to say 'That was crap.' I was so embarrassed I had to get out of there."

Maybe this really did happen, but I can't help noticing it sounds more like a paranoiac talking - "I just felt everyone was turning at me."

Maybe Cowell was muttering "oh, no, another song! I really hope people don't expect me to give an OPINION! Like I do on television" loudly through the film, which would explain why people kept turning to stare at him and certainly fit with someone telling this story four years later.

But even if it is true, why would that stop you from going to the cinema? Couldn't you just choose movies that don't feature crappy songwriting? Is he afraid that the crowd at Dolphin Tale would be constantly nudging him and asking for an opinion on the feasibility of a prosthetic tail.

More from the X Factor-Movies axis as Gordon types up the minutes from Noel Gallagher's appearance on Christian O'Connell's Absolute breakfast show:

Noel Gallagher has spotted some similarities between Gary Barlow's judging style and Ernst Stavro Blofeld — one of 007's most famous adversaries.

He said: "Gary's sitting sideways a lot. Just like some James Bond baddie, isn't he? Where he kind of swivels round, 'Ah, yes, you're just not good enough'.

"Gary's all right, I've met him a few times, he's a good lad."

Yes, Noel Gallagher now has so little to say he's reduced to chatting about the X Factor. It's lucky for Christian; if he'd booked Noel a couple of weeks ago he'd have had three hours about how it unseasonably warm it is and what Noel's gardener had reported about effects on the fruit bushes.

ContactMusic reveal something surprising about James Bond

Here's something I didn't know - Atmosphere and Octopussy share a common creator:

Ian Curtis wrote James Bond? Then how come there was no Bond girl called Joy Division?

(By the way, if you're interested in Hefner's claim, James Bond was created in 1953 and the first Playboy club opened in 1960. The clubs which Hefner stole the idea of "bunny girls" from, though, The Gaslight, opened in 1953, so it's possible Flemming and Hefner both stole the idea from the same place.)

Gordon in the morning: My word is my Bond girl

Hey, journalists? Got a column to fill, and a deadline to meet? Why not think of the most buzzed-over female celebrity of the moment and write a column claiming she's going to be the next Bond girl?

Here's an example of that in action: Freida Pinto, out of Slumdog Millionaire. She's popular right now, and so clearly, she's bound to be the next Bond girl. Right, Gordon?

SLUMDOG Millionaire beauty FREIDA PINTO could become the new Bond girl — after being invited to a screen test for the next spy adventure.

See? It's easy.

Gordon seems to get a little bit confused between 'actors' and 'characters' in his excitement:

Freida could follow in the footsteps of Bond babes such as Plenty O’Toole in 1971 classic Diamonds Are Forever.

But why mention Plenty O'Toole anyway? Could it be simply to try and make sense of the headline?

Diamonds Are Freida

How out-of-control would your tongue have to be before you could pronounce 'Freida' to sound a bit like 'Forever'?

I'm sure Gordon's got really strong reasons for believing his story, and hasn't just extrapolated a star based on the rumours that Danny Boyle is going to direct the next Bond movie.

Somewhat oddly, just reloading the Bizarre page, the 'story' has vanished from its top left position, being replaced with that tiresome Noel Gallagher environment story.

Never Say Don't Look Back In Anger Again

Noel Gallagher wanted Daniel Craig to take the lead in a story of his life. Craig isn't so keen:

"Noel Gallagher wants me to play him in a movie about his life? That is ridiculous, he must have been in a very good mood to say that.

"I'm way older than him anyway, so I couldn't play him, but I love the idea, it's fantastic.

"I can play the guitar better than Noel can so I don't know how that is really going to work.

"I haven't had a call from Liam yet so I'll wait for that one."

We're filing this under 'hanging on for the key Alan McGee role'. But Noel... Bond... Bond... Noel...
... no, I'm going...

Darkness at 3AM: Words and Bonds

Oh, 3AM Girls, did you accidentally send a first draft?

P Diddy wants to Moonrake it in as the next James Bond and has already spent £500,000 on making an 007 audition tape.

Moonrake it in? Moonrake?

Jack White suddenly not happy being a Coca-Cola shill

You'd have thought that with Jack White having happily taken the Coca-Cola shilling in the past, he'd be used to the way the company works. Apparently not so. he's annoyed that Coke have used his James Bond theme in a Coke Zero advert:

"Jack White was commissioned by Sony Pictures to write a theme song for the James Bond film 'Quantum Of Solace', not for Coca Cola," read the statement. "Any other use of the song is based on decisions made by others, not by Jack White.

"We are disappointed that you first heard the song in a co-promotion for Coke Zero, rather than in its entirety."

It's hard to feel any sympathy for White at this high-handed behaviour by the good people at the fizzy drink company - when he recorded his jingle for Coke back in 2006, he didn't seem that bothered about, say, the treatment of Columbian trades unionists who would sometimes turn up dead after taking on Coca-Cola. If I remember correctly, White's Coke jingle was called What Goes Around Comes Around. More apt than perhaps he realised at the time.

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet

Bob Stanley tells The Times about the time Saint Etienne tried to nab the gig theming the Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies:

Along with our arranger Gerard Johnson we booked a day in a London studio and worked out a demo called Tomorrow Never Dies. Clearly, this entailed us avoiding most of our favourite lyrical subjects (cars with the top down, escaping the city, listening to the radio, sitting in the pub) and contemplating some less familiar to our world of pop – cars with ejector seats, escaping from megalomaniac baddies, having sex with eight women in 96 minutes.

Quantum leaps

So, not Winehouse. Not Duffy. The next Bond theme will be done by Alicia Keys and Jack White. It's a duet, you see - the first time the Bond theme has been done as a duet, which we're given to understand is in some way significant.

The pairing seems a little clunky, but we expect they had Keys signed up before realising they'd need someone who could think of a rhyme for Quantum. And Solace.

If it wasn't Amy Winehouse...

We wouldn't want to be as cynical to suggest that the entire entertainment industry - prompted by a "Did you mean Adele?" message - have done a find and replace throughout everywhere to take out the words "Amy Winehouse" and drop in "Duffy" instead, but - oh look - Duffy is now being mentioned as the likely singer of the new Bond theme.

Darkness at 3AM: Pageturning

Here's a surprise: Noel Gallagher got a book for his birthday. Admittedly, only that Bond thing written by Sebastian Faulks, but it's still a surprise.

The 3AM Girls decide to try and push this revelation further:

"Noel's a big 007 fan," says our, er, spy.

...but don't quite pull it off.

Meanwhile, piling in on that story that Peaches Geldof is making some sort of 'lets ban plastic bags' programme, the 3AMies also 'reveal' that she's producing a bag all of her own:

"We need to be aware of the effects of our actions. I wanted to produce a bag that would go with this summer's looks."

Peaches Geldof promoting "awareness" that what we do has consequences, eh? Whoever would have thought.

Of course, she misses the point somewhat - that fashion and the concept of having to match a bag to a passing fad in trousers or blouses does more harm to the planet than carrier bags (when reused rather than discarded), but at least she's trying, eh?

Not stirred

So, after more packing in more flip-flops than a busload of British tourists heading to Orlando, it turns out that Amy Winehouse won't be doing the new Bond theme. Because - surprise - she's too screwed:

Speaking to Sky News, Mark [Ronson] explained: "We tried to work for a little bit. I'm not sure she's ready to work on music yet."

Asked if the track would ever be completed, he replied: "I don't think so unless by some miracle of science it gets recorded and someone sings a vocal on it so probably not. We did work on it but we never finished it so that's about it."

Amusingly, Winehouse's people have countered the project foundered on "muscial differences". Like Ronson wanted to make some, Winehouse wanted to just score.

Gordon in the morning: Knives and coffee stirrers

So, what's the big news this morning, Gordon Smart?

Apparently, it's that Olga Kurylenko is going to be a Bond girl.

Yes, yes: that was news back on Monday, but Gordon has something to add to the story.

Sadly, that something is his libido:

Olga would definitely be the first I’d like to shake and, well, you know the saying.

Eh? Gordon thinks sex is like stirring? Does he have one of the those Starbucks sticks rather than a penis?

It also appears Smart has trouble telling the difference between 'made-up' and 'real':

In Le Serpent she played a model who gets all tied up in her work — in bondage gear. A film about to become a lot more popular than when it was first released.

Olga later admitted she found the whole experience of being tied up “beautiful”.

Better looking and more mental than ANGELINA JOLIE in the sack? Brilliant.

Let's not even bother ourselves with Gordon's suggestion that enjoying a spot of S&M is "mental", confusing consensual sexual activity with mental health, and just ponder why he thinks that 'playing someone in a film who wears bondage gear' is more extreme than Jolie's use of knives for sexual mutilation. Perhaps knives are considered vanilla in Gordon's world?

Still, we learn a little of what Smart's idea of cool is:

007 — the man all lads would love to be

Aha. So deep in his heart, Smart desires to be the urbane, worldly, sophisticated James Bond. A man who can seduce with his eyebrows. Could Gordon charm Olga with sweet sophistication?

She just needs to whip off her undercrackers and whisper sweet nothings in Russian.

Probably not, then.

(Although, Gordon, since she's Ukrainian, it's slightly more likely she'd whisper sweet nothings in that language.)

Crossing the Bond

Rav Singh, the tireless showbiz blogger from the News of the World, pants excitedly that the producers of the next Bond movie have "dumped" Amy Winehouse in favour of Leona Lewis for the theme to the movie which they haven't even given a name to yet.

Leona Lewis? Really?

Of course, the "dumping" of Winehouse is a moot point; to believe she's been canned you'd have to believe she was in any way confirmed to do the thing in the first place.

3amelia

The Mirror's gossip-hole continues its bemusing habit of reporting everything Jamelia does or says as if she was famous. Today, she's decided she's an actor:

"I would love to be the next Bond girl. I've looked at three scripts and I really liked one. I'm going to Hollywood in May."

By running those three sentences together, you could almost get the impression that Jamelia is off to Hollywood to pick a role in a Bond movie. But since they're shot in England, and there's no script for the next movie yet, it's clear she's trying to combine a desire for a decent role with looking parts in more lowly productions. Which may or may not be American.

We suspect the roles she's considering are more "Churchill, could you save me money on my home insurance" than "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

And the stories that you tell

Probably more truth in the remember the 80's news that Duran Duran are going to have a musical based on their back catalogue than the supposed "forthcoming bond theme" claim - the owners of the 007 franchise surely will have learned of the dangers of giving spent 80's stars the chance to warble over the credits of their movies with the current effort on Die Another Day.

Also in rt80s is Toyah saying she's going to stop trying to keep asylum seekers out the country long enough to appear in a wonderful spin on Pop Idol - apparently a load of 80's minor stars are going to be taken to the states to see if they can become stars all over again in an environment where their reputations don't precede them. They're also asking Fish.

The question is: why do they need to go to the US to find an audience who'd go "who?" - couldn't they just get people under 35?