Gordon in the morning: Fashion notes and bidding wars

Has Gordon ever met a woman? One who wears clothes?

Apparently not:

Cheryl's Rip-Off Dress

GORGEOUS CHERYL COLE smoulders in a frock held together by one long ZIP.

How many zips does Gordon think most dresses have?

Cole was punting "her" first solo tour - or, rather, a series of dates while people arrive to see the Black Eyed Peas.

Any other observations on the outfit, Gordon? You haven't mentioned the colour.

Cheryl may be dressed in silver, but she's solid gold to us.

You wonder how long that line took. Is there a pad in Wapping with variations crossed out? "She is wearing silver, but I'd sure like to pewt-er" "She is wrapped in silver like a chocolate bar and we'd all like to unwrap her although there's a risk she'd just end up causing us to have a sticky mess in our pockets" "She is wearing silver which makes us wonder why someone didn't grab bits of her hair and put a plat in 'em"

Elsewhere, Gordon is busily pushing JLS again, with an American 'bidding war':

Jive would mean going on the same books as BRITNEY SPEARS, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, BACKSTREET BOYS and USHER.

That's true. It's also the label that brings you Mullage and K. Michelle.

Epic is home to the late MICHAEL JACKSON.

Could JLS fit in on a label which is best known for a moldering corpse?

Still, it's all very exciting, isn't it, Gordon?

JLS are at the centre of a bidding war between two of the world's biggest pop labels, setting them up for US glory.

Yes, a bidding war. Between two very, very different companies.

That they're both owned by Sony doesn't in any way undermine the idea that these two labels are involved in an intense public auction to sign the band, not does it mean the two are involved in a meaningless PR puff to try and make the half-witted believe there's an insatiable demand for JLS in the Mid West.

Kelis shake turns sour

Grim news from the shrinking world of major label pop: Jive is reported to have dropped Kelis after Kelis Was Here remained on the shop shelves. The dumping has been described as "amicable", which means it was good-natured enough for Jive to pretend it was an amicable decision achieved after negotiation.

N'Sync to reform for court battle

N'Sync and Jive Records are being sued for ripping off another act - oddly, though, not New Kids On The Block.

Good lord above alone knows why it's taken six years for Troy Alexander ('Royal T' as nobody calls him) to notice, but he reckons his song Up Against The Wall was virtually the same as the one Jive gave to NYSNC just nine years afterwards. In 2001.

Troy's lawyers appear to admit the songs don't sound alike, and are relying on the lyrics being similar. Which they are, of course, because they're made up of words and have "girl" and "hot" and such like in them. It's clear that Jive aren't going to be unduly worried here.