Tina Barrett: Oh no, she isn't

Are Easter pantomimes even a thing? Apparently in Blackpool, where former S Club 7er Tina is about to play the Wicked Witch in the Wizard Of Oz.

Is The Wizard Of Oz a pantomime, come to that?

Anyway, the Blackpool Gazette sees this as quite a coup:

Barrett is a well known figure to millions, after becoming one of the biggest names in pop music during the late 90s.

A well known figure to millions, and yet...

Pop star prepares to turn all wicked

... not so well known that the Gazette is going to take the risk of using her name in the headline.

Amy Winehouse: Oh, yes, I did

Amy Winehouse has been fined £85 costs and ordered to pay £100 in compensation after she assaulted Milton Keynes Theatre Manager Richard Pound during the interval of a pantomime shortly before Christmas.

More worryingly for her team, she's also been given a two year conditional discharge, which means she's going to have to keep her nose clean virtually up to the London Olympics:

district judge Peter Crabtree told Winehouse: "It may be harder than a fine because you have now got to stay on the straight and narrow for the next two years."

Good luck with that, Amy. For some reason, I'm humming the Village People's You Can't Stop The Music at the moment.

Gordon in the morning: Williams this do?

Is Gordon going to try and crank out a "story" about Robbie Williams every day until the new single comes out?

I'm afraid it looks like it will:

The singer says he assumes a different personality for each disc. He told Capital Radio: "For this album I've been Luke Moody.

"I don't like the name Robbie. Bert Williams for the next album, come on!"

Yes, Capital Radio. Gordon now gets his scoops by sitting on the sofa with a mug of cocoa and a notepad.

Robbie said: "I love reality TV. It's the only stuff I watch.

"But yeah, if this CD fails and TAKE THAT doesn't do too well, Strictly Come Dancing then straight to panto."

I don't think he has to worry about a Widow Twankey role just yet.

Um... Gordon, you remember that Williams has already done panto, don't you?

Meanwhile, Dappy - yes you do, bloke in the hat out N-Dubz - turns out to have made a silly gay-hating, gun-waving track a couple of years ago.

Gordon's approach to the story is interesting: first, he has to pretend that Dappy is some sort of role model (if that was the case, wouldn't Britain's streets be awash with inappropriate headgear?); second, in the link through to the story Smart announces that you can watch "Dappy glorifying gun crime". No mention of the homophobia, no mention it was two years ago, and no indication that Dappy issues a full and frank admission that he was a bit of a knob when he made the track. Sure, you find all this when you click through, but if the story is 'children's entertainer says sorry for being an idiot', shouldn't that be the headline?

Robbie Williams is not... oh, yes he is

Robbie Williams has, inevitably, gone into pantomime.

He's going to appear alongside his good friend Jonathan Wilkes, of course, in Cinderella - although Robbie will appear as a projection. A bit like Laurence Olivier in that Cliff Richard musical a few years back (Time, or rather Dave Clark's Time).

Why is he doing it? The Sunday Mirror says it's a poke at Take That:

Robbie Williams has signed up for panto - to wind up his former Take That partners.

The superstar will appear as a hologram called Stardust in Cinderella in his home town, Stoke On Trent.
[...]
And a source said: "Robbie called his character Stardust to take the mickey out of them."

Yes... ha! That'll show 'em... doing a provincial panto as a character called Stardust. Because... erm... why, exactly?

Take That sang a song on the sound-track of the movie Stardust.

Oh.

Actually, even then: what? In what way does calling a character after a film they were vaguely involved with even approach taking the piss out of them? Now, if it had been Marco Spencer-cheapsuit, perhaps we'd be getting somewhere.