Bono: I had no idea you wrote such bloody awful poetry. Actually, I had an inkling, but even so...

Bono's 1994 poem about Elvis is going to get an outing on Radio 4:

Elvis, with god on his knees
Elvis, on three TVs
Elvis, here come the killer bees, head full of honey, potato chips and cheese

1994, this was. He was in his mid-30s.

And apparently there's some 14 minutes worth of this. But it manages to be ill-advised in ways beyond just literary:

Elvis the bumper stickers
Elvis the white knickers
Elvis the white nigger ate at Burger King and just kept getting bigger.

To be fair to the BBC, they're not actually making this programme. In fact... who is? Where would you find anyone fawning enough to think Bono's every utterance is worth fifteen minutes of hard-won time?

Des Shaw, director of Ten Alps, said:

Ten Alps, you say? You mean the company co-founded by Bob Geldof?

Anyway, tell us about it, Des:

“We’ve been tossing ideas around for two years, keeping on going back to it and trying to work out how we’d use it. It took a while to work out how to produce it in a very effective but bonkers way. It’s a difficult one for Radio 4.”

There's just something about the word "bonkers" which causes your anal cavity to expand to three or four times its normal size as it seeks to suck in all known life, isn't there? They might as well just title the press release 'You don't have to be mad to suggest Elvis is a pair of white knickers, but it helps!!!!!!'

Peaches Geldof gets another job

The announcement of an MTV show is always a time for sadness. In the US, they're busily playing off the children of the famous one against another. Here in the UK, being a smaller nation, we have a tighter supply of celebrity and so MTV is forced to use a single celebrity child to play the rest of the nation off.

Yes, brace yourself for an MTV series in which Peaches Geldof edits a celebrity magazine:

A source close to Peaches, whose 19th birthday bash I attended on Thursday, said: "She has always loved the world of glossy magazines. But aside from the showbiz parties and celebrity interviews, there will be serious work to be done." MTV viewers will see Peaches, currently dating Faris Badwan from The Horrors, interview and then pick a team of writers on the weekly show - produced by her dad Sir Bob Geldof's TV company Ten Alps.

This might sound familiar, as it's effectively the barely-noticed ITV2 series Deadline, only with the barely-famous faces doing the writing replaced with the public, and the editor who knows what they're doing replaced by a celebrity. Which seems to cause a bit of a problem - it's like doing the Apprentice, but having the Alan Sugar role filled by Lily Allen. What, exactly, does Geldof Junior know about running a magazine? Isn't this a little like having a pro-am golf tournament, only with the pros replaced by amateurs as well?