Gordon in the morning: Can I use this to buy fireworks and ciggies, too?

Yes, that is what it looks like. Someone's tricked up a fake Brits Access All Areas pass for Gordon. I think it's some guy at school's brother who makes them with his computer, and he can do really convincing student ID, too; you can hardly tell the difference.

Which is lucky, given that Lady GaGa asked him for a birth certificate:

I had an odd conversation with the pouting pop star at the Universal Music bash after the Brits.

She said: "I just wanna thank you for all your support, Mr Scotsman. Brits really are the coolest people. Can you help me forge a birth certificate so I can get a British passport?"

Asking someone for the Sun for help to be in the UK illegally? That's poor research, surely?

Yes, Gordon's back from Earls Court, where a combination of poor tube service and newspaper print cycles means he's only just getting round this morning to telling us what he didn't already know had happened on Wednesday night.

Strange world we live in, isn't it? I know that a few seconds ago Kristin Hersh was taking requests on-stage at San Francisco, but the Brits aftershow news takes thirty six hours to come out.

The Kings Of Leon were fighting at the aftershow. Matthew and Caleb. It's a brother thing. Apparently, though, serious, band-threatening violence isn't good enough for Gordon:

Mind you, with the lead singer in bed around midnight I hope they’re not becoming the Kings Of Yawn.

Meanwhile, John Kay - "chief reporter" - looks into the alleged Weller betting scam:

William Hill bosses told how seven men toured their shops in the Guildford area of Surrey — close to Weller’s Woking birthplace — backing him with bets of £20 and £25 to avoid suspicion.

Near where Weller was born? You're not implying... are you?

Hill chiefs stressed they do not think Weller, 50, placed any wagers himself.

Although having seemingly spent about four days waiting until Adele could finish the presentation video, you could understand if he wanted to make a few quid off the deal as well.

Seriously, though, the bath the bookies have taken this year does mean they're considering not doing bets on the event next year:

A spokesman said: “It was our music department’s worst night for years. It’s highly unlikely we’ll be betting on the Brits again as there is no doubt the results are circulating up to a week before.

“The fact Paul’s interview was pre-recorded suggests people had been tipped off.”

As we said when this story first broke, it's a bit unlikely that an industry that can't keep its core assets from leaking the moment recording finishes would be able to keep a hat on something like this.

Malcolm Middleton wortha punt?

A PR mailout has reached us with the heartening news that, not only has miserablist Malcolm Middleton decided to do a Christmas song, but he's even gone out and put a bet on himself getting to number one:

Putting him in direct competition with this years X Factor winner and the Spice Girls, William Hill have given Malcolm odds of 1000/1 in what the bookmakers say is 'the longest ever odds we’ve given on a Christmas number 1!' The title of the single is We’re All Going To Die.

Which is all somewhat amusing, but also a little puzzling: Williams Hill had previously announced they were closing the book on the Christmas number one. Surely it's slightly fraudulent to take Malcolm's money when they'd refuse wagers on, say, The Spice Girls? Or is the bookies just losing track of its publicity puffs?

Winehouse favourite for no-show

William Hill are now taking bets on Amy Winehouse not turning up for gigs, although the odds of her not showing are so short - 2-1 on - that it's hardly worth the gamble.

Of course, with the likely real cause of Amy's "exhuastion", the odds really should just be 2-1. (We're now doing the jokes in tic-tac, by the way.)