The poor Daily Mail tries to keep up with the young 'uns

Jeff Jarvis has long suggested that, to do well online, you should do what you're good at, and link to the rest.

And yet the Daily Mail online continues to do pop.

First, it tries to cover The Ting Tings filming an Adidas commercial (sorry, "pop video"). Despite having to prod its readers about why they might care about these Thing Things:

The upcoming indie group were seen in their element last month as they performed a duet with Estelle at the Brit Awards.

Bringing their edgy style to the stage, it saw the band and Estelle segway between their hit That's Not My Name with her song American Boy.

The Ting Tings formed in 2004, but burst onto the music scene in May 2008 after their album We Started Nothing claimed the top spot in the UK charts.

So, that's an "indie band" somehow "in their element" playing a mainstream industry event in a mash-up with Estelle; the Ting Tings and Estelle apparently riding a self-balancing personal transportation device between two songs (and what about the third track they played?) and a band reaching number one before "bursting onto the music scene".

You'd think that the Mail might be on safer ground with U2. But not really:

U2 find a street that DOES have a name - it's theirs and it's in Manhattan

The whole point of "Where The Streets Have No Name" is about wanting to go to a place where the streets have no name. Which would suggest that finding streets with no names isn't a problem for them.

Gordon in the morning: Can I use this to buy fireworks and ciggies, too?

Yes, that is what it looks like. Someone's tricked up a fake Brits Access All Areas pass for Gordon. I think it's some guy at school's brother who makes them with his computer, and he can do really convincing student ID, too; you can hardly tell the difference.

Which is lucky, given that Lady GaGa asked him for a birth certificate:

I had an odd conversation with the pouting pop star at the Universal Music bash after the Brits.

She said: "I just wanna thank you for all your support, Mr Scotsman. Brits really are the coolest people. Can you help me forge a birth certificate so I can get a British passport?"

Asking someone for the Sun for help to be in the UK illegally? That's poor research, surely?

Yes, Gordon's back from Earls Court, where a combination of poor tube service and newspaper print cycles means he's only just getting round this morning to telling us what he didn't already know had happened on Wednesday night.

Strange world we live in, isn't it? I know that a few seconds ago Kristin Hersh was taking requests on-stage at San Francisco, but the Brits aftershow news takes thirty six hours to come out.

The Kings Of Leon were fighting at the aftershow. Matthew and Caleb. It's a brother thing. Apparently, though, serious, band-threatening violence isn't good enough for Gordon:

Mind you, with the lead singer in bed around midnight I hope they’re not becoming the Kings Of Yawn.

Meanwhile, John Kay - "chief reporter" - looks into the alleged Weller betting scam:

William Hill bosses told how seven men toured their shops in the Guildford area of Surrey — close to Weller’s Woking birthplace — backing him with bets of £20 and £25 to avoid suspicion.

Near where Weller was born? You're not implying... are you?

Hill chiefs stressed they do not think Weller, 50, placed any wagers himself.

Although having seemingly spent about four days waiting until Adele could finish the presentation video, you could understand if he wanted to make a few quid off the deal as well.

Seriously, though, the bath the bookies have taken this year does mean they're considering not doing bets on the event next year:

A spokesman said: “It was our music department’s worst night for years. It’s highly unlikely we’ll be betting on the Brits again as there is no doubt the results are circulating up to a week before.

“The fact Paul’s interview was pre-recorded suggests people had been tipped off.”

As we said when this story first broke, it's a bit unlikely that an industry that can't keep its core assets from leaking the moment recording finishes would be able to keep a hat on something like this.

Gordon in the morning: Snubbers

Oh, curse the Brits, and their late finish. What's a Gordon to do?

send in three writers to cover the event. Although that does end up with somewhat confused coverage:

By CARL STROUD,
JESS ROGERS
and SOPHIE BARNETT

Published: Today

SINGING sensation DUFFY last night became Britain’s new Princess of Pop — scooping three glorious gongs at the Brit Awards.

But while she shone Britain’s biggest bands, COLDPLAY and TAKE THAT, were sensationally SNUBBED.

Hang about... Take That were only up for one potential prize, weren't they?

And were Coldplay really "snubbed"? Are Gordon's three little helpers seriously suggesting that people voted to be rude to Chris Martin rather than, say, for someone they liked more? And, given that two of the Coldplay nominations - Best Live Band and Best Single - were public-voted, isn't that less of a snub, more of an indication that while Coldplay's fanbase might be very, very broad, it's incredibly shallow?

But, let's be fair, "Coldplay turn out to be liked rather than loved" isn't much of a headline.

Still, it'd be more understandable than trying to work out how we've woken up this morning with the impression that Duffy is a living legend:

Her three gongs were the biggest tally of all.

Or, indeed, what Carl, Jess and Sophie thought they meant when they wrote that line.

It's possible they weren't thinking much, given their ability to miss a story:

I Kissed A Girl singer KATY PERRY, looking sensational in a skin-tight black leather outfit, went home with the International Female statuette.

She looked sensational, did she? To the casual observer, she looked like she'd just parachuted in from a field hospital in Flanders and was about to complete her death from consumption.

Elsewhere, Toni Jones ("Associate Fashion Editor" - what does that job title actually mean? Is 'associate' a fashion term for 'don't tell her she's not actually the'?) watched the stars arrive and listed their clothes:

KATY PERRY drew gasps from fans in a pair of (way too) skin tight America Apparel trousers, a Hello Kitty encrusted corset by The Blondes and shoes by Dolce Vita.

It's horrible when your kitty encrusts your corset just before you go out the house, isn't it? Especially when you don't have time to change.

The Associate Fashion editor doesn't actually explain how skin tight trousers can be too tight - surely something is either skin tight or isn't; if a pair of trousers were tighter than skin tight wouldn't they have to be inside your flesh? No wonder Perry looked rough.

But, you're wondering, where was Gordon?

Well, while the others were watching the event, Gordon was working. Working hard to squeak some quotes out of famous people. People like Bono:

Exclusive - Bono: I want to be in Girls Aloud

Hey, Gordon, putting 'exclusive' on that must mean that's quite a scoop you've got there, and it's not just a throwaway gag that Bono was making, right?

ROCK legend BONO last night wowed the Brit Awards — and joked that his ambition is to be the sixth member of Best British Single winners GIRLS ALOUD.

Oh.

Something about Bono made Gordon feel a little funny. Can you spot what it was?

When Bono, who was wearing EYELINER, said he wanted “to be in Girls Aloud”, U2 bass player ADAM CLAYTON quipped: “Which one?”

Man wears make-up - sorry, MAKE-UP - before going on stage. That's certainly worth mentioning, Gordon. Let's hope nobody ever shows Smart footage of Billy Dainty in his pomp; it might just blow his mind.

Still, you know the great thing about Bono? If you're not really good at that interviewing lark, you can just switch your recorder on, transcribe the lot and - bingo! - page filled, job done:

“We see ourselves as contemporaries of bands like COLDPLAY, KINGS OF LEON, INTERPOL — and even Girls Aloud.

“We have been doing this a long time but I still get the same nerves about releasing an album as I did in the early days.

“The difference now is for new bands.

“They are under so much pressure to release their material for free.

“It’s different for us, we have a loyal fan base who buy our records.

“We can also make money from touring, thanks again to our fans, who go out and buy tickets.

“The danger in giving music away free is for writers.

“Where would Cole Porter be now?

“If you have to give away your work for free and you can’t play live, where do you earn the money?”

He added: “It’s an interesting time for music.

“Acts from this side of the pond are doing incredibly well.

“Tonight is a great example.”

Oh, bless: Bono not only thinks he's a young, thrusting band, he thinks that Coldplay and Girls Aloud are young bands, too.

You have to wonder if Gordon was nodding and trying to come up with some sort of response to Bono's random questions. ("Coal porter? Well... they still need coal for the power stations, so... um...")

But I know what you're wondering. Is there an awkward picture of Gordon hanging out with U2?

Funny you should ask.

Liveblog: Brits 2009

7.15pm
Of course, the rest of the entire bloody world will be Twittering their Brits experience, but No Rock is nothing if not a stickler for tradition. Our Brits coverage will be an old style blog.

Like in 2008, when they clashed with Torchwood

And like in 2007, when the Scissor Sisters were still well-known.

Still, Twitter is already bringing us the event in a way unimaginable when George Michael was alive - Holy Moly have just pushed a picture of their supper. Yum.

I'm about to have yams. See you after Corrie.

8.05
Last year, they warned in the continuity announcement that "anything could happen." This year, they warned there might be flashing lights.

8.07
It's the same bloody break bumpers of people miming songs they've been using now for - what - four years? A dull idea made ever duffer by repetition.

U2 get things under way, doing what might be a new song from the album, or possibly a pisspoor cover of Subterranean Homesick Blues.

First prize - British female - goes to Duffy. "It's lucky my mum didn't have a boy" observes Duffy as she picks up the prize.

Horne and Corden are dressed in what's meant to be lady clothes, but just looks like they've been hosing down a sausage factory.

Bloody hell, they're already on to Best International Female. Lionel Ritchie is doing the honours- literally - for this one. "British women are taking over" he announces, which sort of suggests International Female is like a consolation prize. He could try breaking the statue to make it even less of an honour.

Pink gets the most (only?) cheers of the nomination reel.

8.15
Katy Perry wins. The only possible reason for this was to allow Matt Lucas to leer into the camera.

As she picks up her prize, the audio soundtrack goes off - with a 'replay' style 'Audio muted' logo in the top right hand corner. They must have carried out swearing coverage, as they left in the bit where she basically admitted they'd told her she'd won in order to get her in.

James Corden's slathering over Kylie doesn't really come across as anything other than a bit wrong in front of Earls Court.

Girls Aloud are on, with ten male dancers in white tie and tails. The five men who don't get to dance with a Girl have to make do with a large pink ostrich feather. The Girls themselves sound rather wan.

8.20
Sweeping The Nation are twittering this - suggesting Duffy might want to, you know, prepare something for picking up awards in case she needs to do some more thanking.

Backstage, Fearne Cotton has got a caravan, Duffy and Simon Pegg. Fearne is concentrating on talking to Duffy rather than, you know, the one who might be able to say something worth hearing.

It's time for us to start the shortlist for best single - Scouting For Girls are on it. And something called Better In Time by Leona Lewis - she had another single, did she?

Fearne spends about five minutes trying to persuade us ITV aren't ripping us off with the phonelines.

Ooh... LastFM itunes app in the ad break.

8.25
What the hell is that Cheesetring advert? I haven't been more frightened since I realised there were just men inside the daleks.

Horne and Corden have now changed into suits. Their bits are going down well, at least with the bloke playing in the sound of crowd noise.

Alex James has popped in to give British breakthrough - "Radio One supported", of course. Scouting v Adele v Duffy v Ting Tings v Last Shadows. All these bands already seem as old as... well, Alex James.

Oh. Duffy has won this one, too. Although if she *is* the best female, it probably follows she'd have to be the biggest breakthrough. Good lord, if you can't admire their taste, can we at least applaud the Brits' internal logic this year?

Duffy still hasn't got anything to say. Oh, hang on... she's thanking "radio" and "airtime."

8.30
Horner and Corner do a joke about free downloads disproving the existence of God - but isn't it possible that the Christian God, who threw money changers out the temple, might approve of free downloading?

Coldplay are on now. Chris Martin is hopping about on one leg, as a one-man tribute to the Cook and Moore Tarzan sketch. They're tossing rose petals down on them. Or maybe its poppies? They could show separate confetti showers on ITV2.

8.35
On twitter, Yahoo UK entertainment is suggesting that Martin already looks like he's bored singing these songs.

Thanks to Simon in the comments for explaining that Girls Aloud were supposed to be pretending to be naked - an idea which fails completely with cameras mounted at a higher point than the Earls Court audience eyeline.

Chris Matin says thanks thanks.

Fearne has got Jamies Oliver and Cullum backstage. "Duffy won't win best British Male" snorts Cullum - a gag Alison Moyet first did back when this was part of Nationwide. The Q Dot suggest we're seconds from an ad break.

8.40
It's not even the same old idea for the break bumpers - these are the same bloody ones they were using last year, aren't they?

Twitter, as one, has splurged a "KILL THEM BOTH" rage at the Two Jamies.

Despot wins for observing "Jamie Cullum looks like a cross between Jack White and a potato."

8.42
Oh, they've given Kylie something else to do - although, again, it's mainly standing there and letting Horne pretend he can't control himself.

Natalie Imbrooglywoogly - from the 1990s - is doing international band giving. Will it go to the Fleet Foxes? Will it buggery. It'll be the Kings Of Leon, won't it? Why are they even bothering with the shortlist?

The winner is... Kings Of Leon. Well, what a surprise. How lucky they're here to play some songs.

Fearne tries to suggest that the people who vote for the Brits are "the great and the good", although actually they're the people who spend most of their time smothering music.

The KOL ask "what is going on?" and remember to thank Columbia.

8.45
A joke at the expense of Craig David. Cutting-edge stuff.

The two Jamies have now emerged from the 'tent' to give the Best British Male solo artist.

Have I mentioned how bloody annoying the Johnny Vegas bits are (he's the Alan Dedicot for the evening).

This award is the one which should have been closed because there were no actual nominees with a point to it. And on which betting had been closed because Paul Weller had won and it leaked.

Adele gives him the prize on a video, which it appears to have taken three dozen takes to get right. We're shown the outtakes, presumably because they were so poor Alright On The Night passed on them.

8.48
The BBC Ents Team (who sound like something from It Aint Arf Hot, Mum) point out that Weller is only the second person to win a proper prize after getting a lifetime achievement award - that sort of fact is worth the licence fee on its own, surely?

Duffy is now earning her four awards by singing one of her songs. You can see why she gets annoyed with Dusty Springfield comparisons - it sets a bar she's never going to quite make.

Ooh... the picture just froze. Best Moment So Far.

8.50
"Natalie, you presented an award to one of your favourite bands... how much do you love Kings Of Leon?" - Fearne. She's like Robin Day in a short skirt.

The joy of following the Twitter #brits hash is somewhat ruined by the presence of a spammer pushing junk with the hashtag.

8.55
The Hovis through the ages ad and the Heinz Beanz archive mash up in the same ad break? Are we being sucked backwards to the 1960s?

Hope and Glory aren't, at least, as bad as The Osbournes, but the constant played-in soundtrack almost makes it like they're doing a show for a totally different audience.

Some boxer called Joe has tuned up to give a prize for International album - is he the one that Noel Gallagher really, really, really loves?

Another prize for the Kings Of Leon. And they make a bloody meal of sloping down to pick it up. Come on, guys, there's a schedule to keep to here. If you take too long to get on stage, we're going to end up with credits running over the Pet Shop Boys.

Kings Of Leon thank England for the prize. Dude, there's a reason they're called the Brits, you know.

And they thank bloody Columbia again.

People are now running through the audience with lamps. Exciting! Is it a raid? Is it the police? Are Jack and the boys going to set fire to the stage?

Oh, no, it's Take That from the Marks and Spencers adverts.

9.00
Take That are wearing spectacles and floating in the air. Like secretaries who only need to be told they're beautiful and, simultaneously, rescued by the fire brigade.

Actually, that platform doesn't look too safe, to be honest. Health and safety, anyone?

9.05
CMQueen suggests that the spaceship is a dig at Robbie Williams.

Ooh, they're ascending now. Hope they don't win best live show, otherwise they're going to need rope ladders to get down.

Nick Frost presenting now - probably glad to not be forced to back up Simon Pegg, although it might be a sign they're running short of people willing to head out to give awards in return for a nasty meal and a goodie bag. This is the best live prize.

Is it just me, or does every time Scouting For Girls pop up in a nominations clip, does your belief in British music die a little more?

Iron Maiden have won this prize - they pick it up on film. "We can't be there" they explain, listing international tour dates for the overseas sales. When did Iron Maiden last win a prize, exactly?

The Maiden do a bit of business with Eddie zapping them all into smoke, which must count as the most "one for the fans" Brits moment ever.

9.10
David Hasselhoff is on now - tomorrow night, he's doing the One Show. It's all go for him, isn't it? He seems to think that we care what he might have to say.

He's only introducing the best british band prize, but he's written a speech as if it was first contact.

Wouldn't it be nice if Elbow won this? Unlikely, but nice.

Oh... well, that's a surprise. It *is* Elbow.

"It's nice to know quality music gets recognised, even if it takes ten years or so" says Fearne - i think she means Elbow's success, but it sounds like she's suggesting you only get a decent artist winning a Brit once a decade.

Guy Garvey has the air of a man who had thought all he'd get this evening would be the free beer.

9.15
Twitter applauding the Elbow win. Kings Of Leon come on. Time for a pee, I think.

9.20
You see? Dull but inappropriate personal information can thrive on long form blogs as well as it does on Twitter.

The Kings Of Leon's performance is the only straight one so far tonight - and after all the costumes, and saluting and feathers, it's refreshing to see a band who are happy to perform as a band. Pity they're just not very good.

Hasslehoff flirting with Fearne Cotton. Who knew there was a 'down' from Holmes and YoYo slathering over Kylie?

9.22
Rory Cellan-Jones is apparently using the Brits as background noise: "perfect TV to watch when doing something else(blogging about myspace), requires no concentration whatsoever".

Another Craig David joke. Perhaps not listening might work for us all.

The Critics Choice award now - pre-ordained to go to Florence and the Machine. In return, they get three seconds of a video played. "There is no machine" observes Shawndra, as ITV blank out the soundtrack again. If the critics really love them - and they should - couldn't they have a, you know, slot to play some music? Wouldn't that be a good idea?

But they have to chase Florence off, to make room for Gok Wan. "Do you look good naked?" asks Gok. It's the music industry, Gok. You don't want to picture the head of A&R fromanywhere anything other than fully dressed.

International male, is it? Do they check Beck is still alive before they pop him on the shortlist each year?

Kanye West couldn't even be arsed to find a decent place to film the acceptance video - it looks like he's in his garage.

"It's time" warns Kylie "for one of those unique collaborations that can only happen at the Brits."

Ting Tings and Estelle, then.

The Ting Tings, hilariously, in today's Guardian claim to still feel like outsiders. Estelle seems to have just been told to sing her song over the top of Shut Up And Let Me Go. they said at the start this was the first time they'd performed together - who knew that meant they hadn't even rehearsed?

9.30
How far doesn't this work? MDG27 is begging for the Klaxons and Rihanna gto come back.

Ouch - an awful crunch of gears into That's Not My Name. You'd have thought they'd at least get Estelle to do the singing bit... oh, she just has, and she's out of tune.

9.35
ChuckDarw1n pointing out Twitter is putting him off the idea of watching the Brits on TV.

Alan Carr is giving the best single prize - the only one that we're to suppose hadn't been leaked beforehand, anyway. Nice to hear a reference to High And Mighty, the bigfatbloke trouser shop.

What have the people done to us? Its... Girls Aloud, winning for Promises. "It's official" says Fearne "Girls Aloud are national treasures." Because they won an ITV phone vote? Don't they only exist because of an ITV phone vote?

You're doing a boring list of thanks. You're never having an award again. "This", apparently, "is the cherry on the cake."

9.40
"It's the one we've all been waiting for" says Kylie... has the last hour and forty minutes been nothing more than an empty sham, them? [Runs through Sky+] Oh.

Tom Jones has come on, trying to make a lewd remark about Girls Aloud but accidentally winding up sounding quite sweet.

This is album of the year, by the way.

Maiko Miyabi has it about right:
Tom Jones = hasn't it been a great night? Audience = indifferent.

Bloody hell, Duffy wins again.

Fearne puts it into context, with all these awards she's entered an exalted plane occupied by the likes of Robbie Williams and, erm, The Darkness. So: scrubbing floors and hiding from blinking lights in twelve months, then?

Duffy is trying to claim that she paid her dues - "I travelled this country playing my songs to old ladies who are probably watching this saying that they'd heard my songs"... okay, we were wrong, Duffy. Don't prepare anything. You're better winging it.

Fearne announces the next performance will go down in Brits history. Shouldn't we at least wait until it's happened before popping it into the history books?

9.44
Scott Mills off the radio is chivving the Girls Aloud: "Sarah Harding seems to be having fun anyway. May be the others could follow her lead..." Only it's not Scott, of course, he's too grand to update his own Twitterfeed.

9.46
"How many of the top ten bands are British?" asks the trail for the News At Ten. Please keep watching! Nobody ever watches us! We'll talk about pop, if you like that.

Brandon Flowers looks like Maxwell Demon as he comes on to give a prize to the Pet Shop Boys for still going. Flowers is detailing this one time he was in a record shop trying to choose between The Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths and... oh, he chose the Pet Shop Boys. Has Flowers *really* always believed Chris Lowe to be some "sort of wizard"? Really?

Oh, please just bring them on.

They're accepting a big floating heads on the screen! This is what we want! And now Lady GaGa has come out of their giant floating head. (No, not really, it's just Chris in a wig.)

if you must do gimmicks, make them great gimmicks.

Louis Walsh looks confused and a little frightened.

Unfortunately, it sounds a little less than Earls Court filling.

Suburbia.

9.50
Neil Tennant's coat looks a bit like a DIY bondage outfit. Not self-bondage; bondage with DIY equipment.

You have to wonder if they should try giving this award to Erasure next year. Clearly, nobody under the age of thirty is going to make it to the end of the event, so inviting along someone to do a bit of a Stars On 45 of their greatest, mostly forgotten hits is quite a nice way to end.

Go West has brought more marching people onto the stage - perhaps they're being drilled by U2 backstage?

9.55
Here's Lady GaGa, singing What Have I Done To Deserve This, as, erm Gordon Smart didn't announce exclusively in the Sun. Presumably, though, she'll have to come back to do more than just a couple of lines?

Brandon Flowers is now on, having a crack at making It's A Sin a little less in tune. He bought a Pet Shops Boy best of back when he was a kid, you know.

9.57
Actually... I think I'd have preferred a reminder of a couple of the truly great songs they've done, rather than being reminded of snatches of absolutely every thing they ever released.

Another shot of Matt Lucas, and David Walliams jiggling about pretending that he doesn't think he's the Chris Lowe of his double act.

GaGa back for West End Girls. Did I mention she was wearing a waste-paper basket on her head?

10.00
And there's the closing credits... is nobody going to actually say goodbye to us? That's just bad manners, surely?

So, what was that, then? Not a car-crash like last years, just rolling on, in a safe way. And even the Pet Shop Boys felt like they wound up not going anywhere - particularly with all the excitement over the collaborations turning into little more than a couple of lines being sung along. And surely Neil Tenant knows that you need to have a crescendo to end on? Some balloons or something?

Jemima Kiss tweets "The Brits is just a dirty great marketing exercise. Fifty teens at the front & the rest of the audience is suits. I prefer Dicky Atten'bro." - but she forgets to mention the fifty teens are hand-picked from the Brits school.

Actually, that was missing this year, wasn't it? Normally they throw in one or two mentions of the Brits school, to make it look like the event is a charitable bash, and to pretend the UK music industry is investing in talent - not a word this year. Why so quiet?

10.15
There's now a Brits hashdictionary entry.

Gordon in the morning: Your cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the Brits

It's Brits day, the most important day in the year for record company executives and Gordon has published a small guide to everything you need to know.

Like Coldplay being involved, for example. That tells you all you need to know.

Coldplay are thinking of doing something nice for their fans. Chris Martin is worried about the high cost of tickets:

“What we want to do is try to giveaway a live album for free.

“We’re playing a lot of shows in the summer and I think what we would like to do is — bearing in mind the recession we are in — record the live album then give it as a gift.

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“We are just trying to work out how to do that.

“It’s obviously a bit tricky in terms of record contracts and things but it would be great.

“It’s a way of saying thank you.

“It’s a tough economy and people are paying a lot of money for tickets.

“We are trying to work out a way that, when you hand your ticket in at the door, you get given the recording.

“It would be such a cool thing to do.

“We just feel really grateful at the moment for all the support we get from our fans.”

Actually, that is quite a nice gesture, but to be honest: if you're worried that your fans are paying a large price for tickets for the gig, why not just drop the ticket price?

You know who the real losers will be, though? The poor music lovers who've been dragged to a Coldplay gig by loved ones or children who actually like the band and will not only have to sit through a show, but will have an album of live Coldplay foisted on them, too.

Coldplay's life right now? It's crazy, right Chris?

Chris adds: “We are touring until November. We fly straight to Australia after the Brits, which is crazy."

God, yeah. That's absolutely crazy. Getting into a plane and flying across to do some work in a foreign country. It's not like people in every field of business do that every day, is it?

With a straight face, the Kings Of Leon try to pretend that the Brits mean more to them than The Grammys:

Frontman Caleb says: “We always knew The Brits was the Grammys of the UK. So we basically knew that was our Grammy. It was always the biggest shot that we had."

Actually, that sounds more like they'd assumed the qualifying bar had been set lower for winning a Brit. Still, it's nice that Caleb knows to flatter the provincial audience.

It's funny that one-third of Gordon's Brit coverage is handed over to the Kings Of Leon, though - wasn't Gordon saying just the other day how there's so much major British talent you can hardly find space to fit it all in?

The Pet Shop Boys interview is palmed off to Chris Stroud - somehow, had Gordon written it, I doubt you'd have got a plug for the Friendly Fires in there. And you can't go wrong with Neil and Chris:

Singer Neil, 54, explains: “Chris never usually gets excited about awards. When we won for West End Girls, he watched the event from the comfort of his living room.

“He’s coming this time, though. If you’ve got the entire music industry saying they quite like what you’ve done over the years, you can’t be too cynical.”

Chris, 49, says: “I thought they only gave this kind of award to rock bands.

“It was a real surprise. But it’s also our silver jubilee this year. So I reckon we should stage some street parties to mark the occasion.”

Gordon, meanwhile, is sticking himself in the middle of his story about Ant and Dec releasing 'competing' charity singles for charity. The pair are trying to help out cash-strapped ITV, and raise awareness of the plight of a channel too often ignored in these days of well-crafted entertainment. "It's all too easy to turn away from ITV, especially when times are hard and you feel you've heard all their stories too many times. We just want people to give them a second chance" explained Ant.

Gordon's teamed up with Ant, or possibly Dec, to throw his support behind his record rather than Dec's. Or possibly Ant's. It's not like he's been assigned one by the PR team, though. Oh, no:

Dec is a good man, but he lost the vote of me and every other bloke in the UK when he started dating Sky Sports stunner GEORGIE THOMPSON.

"Oh, yes, I shan't be buying that young man's charity record, as he has apparently had a date with somebody I've never heard off from the football programme."
Here's Gordon and TV's Ant "at Bizarre HQ". Gordon is explaining the ancient craft of journalism to Dec - "and then you click on the little pair of scissors, and then come back here and click on the pot of glue, and change all the bits where it says 'Heat has been told' to 'I, Gordon, have been told'..."

Win with Weller? Bookies suspend betting

Bookmakers have stopped taking bets on the Best British Male category at the Brits, after a rush of support for Paul Weller suggested the winner had been leaked.

Unlikely, countered the awards team:

A Brit awards spokesman said of the possible leak: "Every precaution is taken to keep results under lock and key."

Ah, yes. Given how successful the music industry are at keeping something as tangible as a pre-release album secure, you'd not give them much hope of being able to cope with holding information safely, would you?

Gordon in the morning: Profumo in the country

You've got to love the Pet Shop Boys, choosing Nothing Has Been Proved for their Brits performance - rounding off the 2009 British Music Industry Awards show with a twenty year old song about a scandal in the Macmillan cabinet feels like a tongue has been affixed firmly in cheek. Gordon, of course, has to explain the song for his readers:

The song is about 1963 political sex scandal the Profumo Affair, which blew up after minister John Profumo had a fling with showgirl CHRISTINE KEELER.

You might spend half a day pondering why Keeler gets her name in capitals while Profumo doesn't. Perhaps Smart's version of Word automatically caps any showgirl's name?

Of course, he doesn't waste too much time sticking 'The Profumo Affair starring John Profumo' into Google, as what's really important is that we might see a bra while the song is being performed:

LADY GAGA has won the race to perform with PET SHOP BOYS at Wednesday’s Brits – promising the raunchiest show ever.

This comes under the unlikely headline:

Pet Shops Boys Gaga-ing for it

Um... Gordon... you do know the Pet Shop Boys are... oh, never mind. Never mind.

Scientists do assure me, by the way, that by the end of the year headline-writers will be able to come up with a headline other than "Gaga-ing for it" whenever Lady GaGa makes an appearance. "That," explained Professor Finebold, who holds the Our Price Chair in advanced Chartology, "or mysteriously you won't be hearing anything about her by then. Like Princess Superstar."

So anyway, Gordon, "raunchy", you say?

And a Brits insider said: “It is going to be the raunchiest show the Brits has ever seen.

“The organisers wanted a female singer who would really shock to sing this track about the Keeler sex scandal.

“GaGa is the girl. She will be perfect. Don’t expect many clothes.”

The Brits organisers really sat down and said "this song is about a 1963 political scandal really needs to have a shocking singer to perform it. It is, after all, about sex." On the same basis, if the Boys had chosen Go West, they'd have had to have got in Dave Prowse to do the singing.

And how, exactly, is Lady GaGa going to "shock"? While it's always nice to see attractive people dressed briefly, it's not like "woman in underwear on stage" is really going to make the BPI's guests drop their monocles in horror, is it? Now, if they'd got Katherine Jenkins, for example, and she came on in tassles and a thong, there might be some shock. But Lady GaGa? A little ho-hum, surely?

Gordon also has the news of the theme of this year's show: Sweaty executives wondering how much they dare put on expenses. Sorry: Glastonbury.

Presenters JAMES CORDEN and MATHEW HORNE — fronting the ceremony with KYLIE MINOGUE — will jump from a caravan to host the event.

Ah, and that would be the gap between the music industry and the people who keep them in business. Us lot? We associate Glastonbury with camping.

The set will have a pyramid shape — like Glasto’s iconic stage — and will be filled with farm animals and other props more likely to be seen in the countryside than at a glamorous London award show.

Except there aren't any farm animals at Glastonbury because they're all taken to other farms. You've got love Gordon's vague "other props more like to be seen...", though. I wonder what these typical countryside "props" will be?

Let's exclusively reveal those props in full:

- An 18th century coaching inn converted into a private house for a now-disgraced middle-ranking HBOS banker
- A bus-stop (disused since 1986)
- A Daily Mail journalist writing an article, surprised that it's possible to get heroin as much as ten miles from the nearest town
- A blameless woman trying to contain her anger as some people from London make jokes about inbreeding
- The corpses of the Famous Five, laying undiscovered since 1971, when they found out the hard way that you couldn't stop your food becoming contaminated with salmonella simply by putting it behind a waterfall
- Three men complaining bitterly about the European Union
- Senior Tories shooting things and hoping nobody recognises them
- Otis Ferry punching a badger
- A guy from Bovis putting up some signs

It should be brilliant

Darkness at 3AM: An apparition quips from deep inside the Brits

The 3AM Girls might be pleased to have discovered that this years supposedly-surprising collaboration is going to be The Ting Tings and Estelle. It's the common Brit organisers trick of making the less-well-known act double up with someone a little bit more familiar, so they can have the credibility without losing too much of the ITV audience during the three minutes they're on.

But could they just tell us? Oh no. They went for a joke first:

We're sure to be Gavin' a laugh at this year's Brit Awards - especially with Gavin & Stacey funnymen Mathew Horne and James Corden hosting the annual music extravaganza.

Sometimes, you do wonder if they've got a bet on to see at what point an editor might intervene, don't you?

Gordon in the morning: Seasick and buried

If only I had a range of made-up prizes to share out, like Gordon's 'Shagger Of The Year' prize, I'd be reaching into my sack to give Bizarre one today, for giving an unlikely lead story to Seasick Steve. It's unexpected, and it's quite a nice piece:

The former hobo told me: “I didn’t even know what the Brits was. My record label had to explain it to me. I thought they were joking."

That's a wonderful quote. They can add it to the press releases, right after someone from the BPI tries to claim that the Brits are one of the most impressive global events of the year.

Nice work, everybody. And putting a bloke with a beard and a check shirt at the heart of your double-page spread is surprising and uplifting.

What a pity, though, that the online edition of Bizarre has the story buried away at the bottom of the page, making vital space for stories about Caprice in her pants and Lady GaGa in her pants.

There is some breaking news, though: Universal have sent an executive out to have a word with Amy Winehouse. Sorry, I say "executive" - according to Richard White, he's actually a "bigwig":

AMY WINEHOUSE’s record label yesterday flew a bigwig to her holiday resort for a heated showdown.

Universal’s commercial director Brian Rose was dispatched to St Lucia to “drive some common sense” into the singer.

A heated showdown, eh? Is that one that you pop into a microwave for thirty seconds before using it?

For those who haven't been keeping up, there's a recap of Amy's behaviour:

The 25-year-old has been snapped crawling under tables begging for alcohol from other guests after staff at the swish Caribbean resort refused to serve her.

Guests also said the Rehab star has been blowing as much as £8,000 on food and drink for people she barely knows.

Actually, if she's been taking drinks off people, and buying drinks for people, doesn't that make her more or less square with the other guests?

So, Universal is putting its foot down, is it?

Universal last night confirmed Mr Rose had flown to St Lucia but insisted the meeting was to discuss future projects.

Well, yes - but that could take the form 'when are you going to stop crawling under tables and start making us some more money', couldn't it?

I think we know how this story ends, though, don't we?:

CHERYL COLE was looking as good as ever at London’s Zuma restaurant, where she was discussing plans with American music execs to crack the US.

We have that she was doing this on good authority because, erm, of some eavesdropping:

A fellow diner at the Japanese hotspot said: “They told her she’s in big demand.”

... before explaining that he'd dropped a bread roll on the floor, and that was the only reason he was crawling around under the table listening, you understand.

Cheryl Cole is in big demand in America, is she? Can we have some calibration for this - is it more or less than the demand for a revival of Melrose Place, for example?

Gordon in the morning: No That? Can't be right

Gordon Smart is not a happy man this morning, and it's the Brit nominations which have upset him.

Specifically, the "snub" handed out to Take That. And he might have a point - it's not a snub, really, because they're in the running for Best British Band - but it seems, at first glance, to be rather odd. Gordon fumes:

I’m baffled.

The Circus sold a million copies faster than any other album so far this millennium.

It deserves recognition way ahead of THE TING TINGS, who are up for Best Album.

Of course, Gordon will have carefully checked the cut-off date for inclusion in the Best Album category before fuming like this, won't he? After all, in previous years, to qualify for Best Album for any particular year has had a cut-off date of the end of November, and Circus was released on December 1st. But Gordon wouldn't be making himself look stupid by fuming about a snub to an album because it wasn't nominated for an award it didn't qualify for, would he?

Brits 2009: The nominees

It says a lot about the BPI and the Brits organisers that they're foolish enough to hold their nominations bash right at the same time as the inauguration. Even had Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd made it through to the cheese board, it was always going to be like trying to raise interest in a hand-held fan during a tornado.

Perhaps, though, the idea was to sneak out the shortlists at a time when it would do least shame to Britain's reputation:

Best British male
Ian Brown
James Morrison
Paul Weller
Will Young

Best British female
Adele
Beth Rowley
Duffy
Estelle
MIA

Best British group
Coldplay
Elbow
Girls Aloud
Radiohead
Take That

Best British live act
Coldplay
Elbow
Iron Maiden
Scouting For Girls
The Verve

Best British single
Adele - Chasing Pavements
Alexandra Burke - Hallelujah
Coldplay - Viva La Vida
Dizzee Rascal/Calvin Harris/Chrome - Dance Wiv Me
Duffy - Mercy
Estelle Ft Kanye West - American Boy
Girls Aloud - The Promise
Leona Lewis - Better in Time
Scouting for Girls - Heartbeat
X Factor Finalists - Hero

Best British Album
Coldplay - Viva La Vida or Death And All His Friends
Duffy - Rockferry
Elbow - The Seldom Seen Kid
Radiohead - In Rainbows
The Ting Tings - We Started Nothing

Best British breakthrough act
Adele
Duffy
Last Shadow Puppets
Scouting For Girls
The Ting Tings

Best international album
AC/DC - Black Ice
Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
Killers - Day & Age
Kings of Leon - Only By The Night
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

Best international male
Beck
Neil Diamond
Jay-Z
Kanye West
Seasick Steve

Best international female
Beyonce
Gabriella Cilmi
Katy Perry
Pink
Santogold

Best international group
AC/DC
Fleet Foxes
Killers
Kings of Leon
MGMT

Critics' Choice: Florence and the Machine

Outstanding Contribution To Music: Pet Shop Boys

The slim interest here is in the international sections - the surprise of Seasick Steve making a shortlist, and the inclusion of MGMT and Fleet Foxes alongside old, clumping stadium acts for best international group. It might, perhaps, have been more exciting had the 'best international band' and 'best international album' lists not been identical, mind.

It's certainly more interesting than the UK album choices. I love the Ting Tings album, but it's hardly a great, flawless work. Elbow and Radiohead both feel like they're albums that are as old as Jimmy Saville - but you suspect that Elbow will pick up the prize in the end.

The constant applause for Duffy sounds more and more like a music industry trying to convince itself that it the 'y' isn't misplaced in her name. But - in a reverse of the old days, when Annie Lennox was always needed to top up the Best British Female category regardless of if she'd even been seen outdoors during the previous twelve months, the Best British Male listing this year seems like it's desperately in need of a rest. Ian Brown? James Morrison? Weller? Will Young? If that really was the best British male solo talent we could muster, you'd put a bet on Eggon Quim from the X Factor making the list next year. Actually, he probably will be there, won't he?

Coldplay. Coldplay are the stick with which you can calibrate the judges. Four nominations for Coldplay. The ears are cloth, but the fingers can still weigh the earning power.

Brits 2009: Presenting the presenters

Much excitement over the announcement that Kylie, James Corden and Matthew Horne will be presenting this year's Brit Awards. And there's no way the excitement of today's announcement was in any way ruined by, erm, Corden having announced it all on the Sunday Night Project eight days ago.

Still, it's a good choice - even with Corden at the stage in his career which he'll refer to, in years to come, as the bit just before "I realised I was in the gossip columns every morning and the clubs every night, and I was making everyone heartily sick of me". The pair are probably the only presenters who've managed to shake off the ghost of Russell Brand on Big Brother's Big Mouth, and the self-indulgence of the musical longueurs on Gavin And Stacey are done with love. And Kylie Minogue will wear some nice shoes.

The Osbournes aren't exactly a hard act to follow, mind. If Corden and Horne manage to stand facing the right way for at least a couple of links, they'll be ahead.

Brits 2009: U2 take advertising space on the show

You can see why the organisers of the Brits wouldn't turn down the offer of U2 for their programme this year: in 2008, they were scraping up Mika-and-Beth-Ditto duets to try and fill out the time. They'll be pleased at having someone who most of the ITV audience will have heard of.

Naturally, they're excited. They've rushed out a press release, busting its buttons with pride:

The BPI, the UK record labels’ body, today announced the exciting news that the mighty U2, one of the world’s biggest bands, will perform their brand new single ‘Get On Your Boots’ live at The BRIT Awards 2009 with MasterCard. This highly anticipated annual event takes place on Wednesday 18 February at London’s Earls Court.

Highly anticipated? If by 'highly anticipated' you mean 'foreshadowed by dread and foreboding', perhaps.

This year’s BRIT Awards, the premiere event in the British music calendar...

If you don't count Glastonbury, or the Proms, or the electric Proms, or the Mercury, or...

...is shaping up to be one of the strongest yet...

In other words, with no bloody Osbournes, no reliance on Mika and/or the Scissor Sisters, it's hard to see how it can be quite as duff as previous efforts.

...with U2 confirmed, Pet Shop Boys being honoured with the Outstanding Contribution to Music Award and further intriguing live performances to be announced over the coming weeks. The show will be a spectacular night of great music, featuring and honouring the hottest music talent and thrilling the eleven thousand audience at Earls Court, as well as making it a must tune-in for the millions watching The BRITs live on ITV1.

Featuring and honouring the hottest music talent. With U2 and the Pet Shop Boys. If it was 1987, you might have a point. In 2009, that's a bit of stretch.

Still, at least they drop the hyperbole for that last sentence: normally, you'd claim that a big event was simply a "must-see". Honest to admit it's the sort of programme that those who watch will want to watch. Let's hope they keep that realistic line and don't suddenly say something that makes them look silly.

Ged Doherty, Chairman of The BRITs Committee said, “We’re thrilled to be able to confirm that U2 have chosen The BRITs for their first global TV performance on their new album. Their addition to the line-up for this year’s show makes it possibly the best we have ever had. This cements The BRITs as one of the biggest TV events in the world.”

One of the biggest TV events in the world? Last year it barely scraped six million in the UK. It got fewer viewers than, perhaps understandably, the announcement of the new Doctor Who; less than the first episode of Dancing On Ice. Bloody hell, even All Star Family Fortunes managed a broadly similar figure over Christmas. It's not one of the biggest TV events in the world, it's a fairly solidly-performing mid-range entertainment for ITV.

But, still: quite a coup for them to actually get Bono to do something that doesn't involve him talking.

Brits nominations announcer announced

A new round of awards ceremonies for a new year, and what could be more exciting than an announcement about the person who's going to read the autocue during the announcement of the people who are in running for the announcement of the winners of the Brit Awards?

Given that last year's shambles on ITV2 was handled by Kelly Osbourne, it was always going to be easy for whoever came next - after all, compared to Kelly, even Fearne Cotton would look halfway competent.

It's going to be Fearne Cotton.

Next year, surely, this announcement should, in its turn, be made on live TV - perhaps SkyReal Lives could bid? - with the name of the person supposed to deliver the clunky links being unveiled to a small audience of half-drunk journalists at one of the swisher branches of Costa Coffee near London's West End.

An ITV spokesperson, revealing the appointment of Cotton, looked worried for a moment and said "hang on a minute... was it her or Tess Daly that does Dancing On Ice?"

Gordon in the morning: Rapid comebacks

It's worth keeping an eye on Gordon Smart's Bizarre column to be first with the news, you know. Alongside a piece that hints that Blur might get back together - something that hasn't been the subject of a million pieces of coverage in the last week all over the net - is a report that Ultravox are reuniting. Which was announced over a week ago. I can only presume it's taken so long to make it to Smart's column as it has taken a while for the completion of the diligent fact-checking for which Gordon is known.

Still, Gordo does have a decent story about Girls Aloud being set-up to perform as part of the Pet Shop Boys coronation as 'band to satisfy ITV's regular audience by reminding them of their kids' youth' in next year's Brits:

The PET SHOP BOYS, to be honoured with an Outstanding Contribution gong, want them to help perform What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Wouldn’t West End Girls Aloud be more appropriate?

It's been apparent from Gordon's writing that his sense of humour might not function like normal people's, but does he really not see why picking up a lifetime achievement award by playing What Have I Done To Deserve This is witty enough on its own?

Brit Awards 2009: Can you wait?

The 2009 Brit Awards will, again, be televised live by ITV. Although there's no word yet on who will host, the chances of it being better than this year's horrorshop have to be high. February 18th is the date for your diary; the nasty ITV2 nominations programme is scheduled for January 20th.

Which does give us a chance to ask: what on earth were they thinking they were doing when they kind-of redesigned the ITV2 logo? The ITV family of channels at least looked coherent, if they lacked any other sort of coherence, and now they've got on channel whose logo fits, except it's been turned through about 30 degrees and then made 3D for no good reason. If they really wanted to try and give a sense of personality to the channel, they could have tweaked the 2 and left it in the standard ITV logo layout; this just looks like fifteen minutes before a press launch they got someone to knock something up using the graphics capability of Microsoft Word.

Brits 2009 venue confirmed

Despite a story in this morning's Sun suggesting the Brits are to decamp to the Millennium Dome, organisers have confirmed they're staying put:

“The BRITs Committee and the BPI would like to clarify that The BRITs 2009 will be staged at London’s Earls Court.”

Presumably having all the atmosphere sucked out of a venue is expensive, and having done it for Earls Court, they want to get their money's worth.