NME understands perspective

What, would you say, is the most important facet of a story about BBC2 making a drama about Boy George's early life?

The NME knows:

Shockwaves NME Awards host to star in BBC Boy George film

He hosted them two years ago, though, didn't he? And Matthew Horne is only playing Jon Moss:

Horne will play Culture Club drummer Jon Moss, who had a relationship with the singer in the 1980s, in the 90-minute film, titled Worried About The Boy.

What? Jon Moss had a relationship during a film? Or was Worried About The Boy Jon Moss' title?

To be honest, I think a film about Moss would be more interesting than yet-another-churning through the Boy George story. But probably be harder to get funding for.

Woot-ton: You leave Matthew alone, you hear?

Dan Wootton talks up the "stalker" who has been, apparently, making Matthew Horne's life a misery"

COMEDY king MATHEW HORNE has been living in fear after being targeted by a crazed STALKER.

Living in fear, eh?

Mat, 30, endured months of misery, but he admitted: "It's kind of dealt with now."

Yes. That sounds like a man coming out of a living nightmare.

Of course, nobody wants to be stalked, but since stalkers like to feel they've made an impact on their victims lives, isn't over-writing the extent of their influence effectively helping them in their aims?

The woman had been stalking him and had even discovered his top-secret home address causing the police to step in.

That is quite scary. She knew where he lived, you say, Dan?

My source added: "Mat often feels very exposed because diehard fans try to follow him when he leaves the theatre.

"But this one took it too far and there was a real concern that she had discovered his home address. That's when he knew he had to call in the big boys to deal with it."

Ah. So they don't actually know that she knew where he lived, then?

Still, as Wootton helpfully points out, having someone know where he lives is the least of his troubles:

Mat has really been feeling the rougher side of fame recently. He's had to put up with some unfair reviews for his film Lesbian Vampire Killers and TV sketch show with pal JAMES CORDEN.

Unfair reviews? A unfair review would be "compared to The World At War, Lesbian Vampire Killers fails to explain the causes and consequences of the Second World War with any degree of insight or clarity." Reviewing Corner And Horde and saying "it's not very funny and the punchline seems to be that the bigger one is fat. Every time." might not be generous, but is hardly unfair.

Gordon in the morning: Yes, Virginia, there is a rule of law

The big news in Gordon's kingdom this morning is Madonna being told 'no':

Madonna screamed ‘Whaaaat’ and held head in her hands

That's probably 'what' as in 'what does this thing 'no' mean? It's a word I've heard, of course, but not one that has ever been directed towards my face before.'

Yes, Virginia Wheeler is finally doing some reporting from the court room in Malawi.

STUNNED MADONNA screamed “Whaaaat?” and held her head in her hands yesterday after a judge sensationally DENIED her bid to adopt a second Malawian orphan.

Perhaps Madonna was so surprised because she'd been reading Wheeler's reports that the whole thing was a done deal. Court was a "rubber stamp", wasn't it, Virginia?

The head of the orphanage where Mercy will today return said the ruling would be “like a dagger in Madonna’s heart”.

Annie Chikhwaza, who runs the Kondanani Children’s Home where the tot has spent most of her life, re-introduced Mercy to Madge when the singer touched down in Malawi last week.

And she revealed the excited little girl’s first word when she saw Madonna was “Mummy”.

Now, you or I might think this is a sign that the orphanage and Madonna have been handling this whole thing really badly - Madonna, apparently, making promises to a child that she thought were underwritten by her cash; the orphanage not cautioning that no child should be told they're being adopted until the paperwork is in place. This seems pretty scandalous.

So, surely Virginia will want to make sure her readers remember exactly who has been at the heart of this story, and the only person who should matter?

Well, sort of:

A family friend said: “Madonna is an amazing woman who always gets what she wants.

“This is a massive embarrassment for her. She is furious, shocked, devastated and cannot believe what’s happened.”

Back in Britain, and more surprise for anyone who relies on the Sun's reports to understand the world. You'll recall yesterday how the triumvirate of Gordon Smart, Sara Nathan and James Clench diagnosed Matthew Horne's illness:

The actor, said to be suffering from exhaustion, was taken off on a stretcher, breathing with an oxygen mask[...]
A source said: “Mat has been working so hard. He is a fragile guy. Friends worried he was taking on too much. It’s been stressful.”

Doctors last night said Mat was suffering severe stress.

Oddly, though, today a fourth writer, Rhodri Phillips turns up to deliver today's update:

COMIC actor Mathew Horne — who collapsed on stage during a West End show — is suffering from a virus, it was revealed yesterday.
[...]
It had been thought the Gavin and Stacey star, who appears in a TV sketch show and the film Lesbian Vampire Killers, could be suffering exhaustion.

Really... I wonder what could have made it "had been thought" that?

Gordon in the morning: The low groan on the treadmill is the sound of Madonna being shattered

What's this? Has Virginia Wheeler had second thoughts about Madonna's "adoption"?

Madge is unfit mother

Has Virginia considered the reasons why plucking a child, labeling him or her an "orphan", taking them from their family and pushing them into the arms of a nanny or two, might be bad for the child, however good it makes the 'adopter' look?

No, of course not:

MADONNA’S tour of African orphanages was suspended yesterday after she twisted her ankle falling off a treadmill.

[Footage of Michael Parkinson looking concerned unavailable at this time]

Yes, a treadmill. In Malawi. Why do you find that strange?

The singer, 50, had gym equipment specially flown to Malawi so she could keep fit.

Does anyone remember Madonna taking part in Live Earth? Something about trying to reduce our carbon footprints? Perhaps she was flying in orphan-powered treadmills on planes that floated on the power of Kabbalah alone.

Our local expert on Africa has confirmed that, while some nations on the continent lag behind richer Western nations in infrastructure, Malawi does possess long, flat surfaces upon which those keen to have a little jog could have a little jog. "The other advantage of running on the ground," he observed, "is that it's much harder to fall off."

Also falling over yesterday was Matthew Horne out of Little & Wise. He collapsed on stage during a performance of Entertaining Mr Sloane. Man falls over? That's quite a big story, isn't it? Who's going to write it down?

By SARA NATHAN

Yes, the TV editor. Horne is on television. All the bloody time. Of course. But this is a big story. Can Sara handle it on her own?

, GORDON SMART

Naturally Gordon must help with the story. He knows a lot about... he's... he has expertise to share.

But hang about... Sara is a busy TV editor from London's Wapping, and Gordon has many demands on his time. Those shots of a man in a cardigan looking awkward don't take themselves. We're actually going to need someone to write the story, aren't we?

and JAMES CLENCH

Good. The team's all here. Two editors and a person who has access to a keyboard. A superpowered reporting team. They'll be able - between them - to gain access to secret sources and entertainment deep throats to bring coverage of this man falling over that the general public would never be able to tap into. Hit us with your discoverage, SaraGordonJames:

His MySpace page yesterday said he was “drained”.

Brits 2009: Presenting the presenters

Much excitement over the announcement that Kylie, James Corden and Matthew Horne will be presenting this year's Brit Awards. And there's no way the excitement of today's announcement was in any way ruined by, erm, Corden having announced it all on the Sunday Night Project eight days ago.

Still, it's a good choice - even with Corden at the stage in his career which he'll refer to, in years to come, as the bit just before "I realised I was in the gossip columns every morning and the clubs every night, and I was making everyone heartily sick of me". The pair are probably the only presenters who've managed to shake off the ghost of Russell Brand on Big Brother's Big Mouth, and the self-indulgence of the musical longueurs on Gavin And Stacey are done with love. And Kylie Minogue will wear some nice shoes.

The Osbournes aren't exactly a hard act to follow, mind. If Corden and Horne manage to stand facing the right way for at least a couple of links, they'll be ahead.