Gordon in the morning: TV company pay for overnight accommodation shocker

Here's a surprise. It appears The Sun's TV editor Colin Robertson doesn't realise that TV productions pay people's accommodation costs if working on them takes them away from home. Otherwise, why would he think this is a story:

THE BBC is shelling out nearly £15,000 in licence fee cash to put up The Voice star Sir Tom Jones in London’s posh Savoy Hotel.

That's London's posh Savoy Hotel, just so you don't confuse it with the Savoy Hotels in London that aren't posh.

I suppose you could argue that Tom could have been put up in a Premier - after all, if it's good enough for Lenny Henry and all...

But even more surprising is Colin admits his opening sentence is a lie further down the article:

The show’s production company Wall To Wall is said to be handling the payments using the £11million budget handed to it by the BBC.

Ah. So, the BBC isn't actually spending anything on Tom's hotel; it's coming from Wall To Wall's margins and even if Tom slept in the street, it wouldn't make any difference at all to the sum the Corporation is paying (sorry, "handing over") for the series.

[Quick hint to Colin, by the way: Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns the Savoy. He also owns a fairly big chunk of your newspaper's parent company.]

Gordon in the morning: The Zayn vanishes

Not entirely sure why this story falls under the remit of Colin Robertson, TV editor, rather than Gordon himself, but - brace yourself - Zayn Malik has quit Twitter.

Apparently he was upset that he was being given grief because he's in some sort of relationship with Perrie Edwards out of Little Mix - I imagine tweets along the lines of 'What, won't Cowell let you date outside the church' were being fired in his direction.

That this is something of a non-story is more or less proven by one of the reactive tweets that Robertson has diligently harvested and reproduced:

Shocked supporter VaynZayn wrote on Twitter: “I feel like Zayn’s just broken up with me. Our non-existent twitter relationship is over."

Shocked? Really, Colin? You can't hear a rather sharp eyeroll and a 'nothing to see' when you come across it?

Gordon in the morning: Cheryl's Ray of hope

Oddly, the news that Cheryl Cole is supposedly going to record an unwanted Lana DelRay song is brought to us by...

By COLIN ROBERTSON, TV Editor

Which seems a bit surprising. Perhaps so many people are being kept busy at Wapping helping the police with their enquiries articles are written by anyone who happens to be around.

Of course, it's all down to a "source":

A source said last night: "Cheryl is a big fan of Lana and was intrigued to hear she had lots of songs written which she wasn't going to sing herself. She got hold of one and was really taken with it.

"The record label are pretty happy about it because Lana has a massive following."

And it's well known that pop singles tend to sell on the basis of the writer's credit.

Gordon in the morning: Britain's Next Top Bad Idea

Ah, poor Gordon, pressed into duty to try and promote one of his guv'nors other properties. Today, he's struggling to spark interest in a judging change on Britain And Ireland's Next Top Model.

The last series was rotten - random prizes based on who'd pony up for product placement made the 'what you'll win' sequence look like a table at a well-resourced church tombola night; the addition of Fearne Cotton and endless episodes of casting dragged things down; and a production team blithely slapping whatever happened to be in the Top 10 six months ago over the top conspired to make this look like a franchise whose time is up.

But Sky Living doesn't have much local programming, so instead of quietly letting the beast die, it's going to have a revamp. A desperate revamp.

How desperate? Bizarre scribblebot Colin Robertson reveals the full horror:

WILD child Kelly Osbourne is bouncing back on to UK telly — as a judge on Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model.

Really?

A source "explains":

"The plan is for Kelly to come on board and shake things up. She is a massive fan of fashion and has good pedigree working on fashion shows."

That's true, if by "good pedigree" you mean "squeezed the air out of the British version of Project Runway so badly a can't-fail format stuttered out after two botched series".

"Crucially, she is also young and the whole point of the show is to find the next big thing."

Now, without wanting to sound cruel, this suggests the sole thing Kelly has going for her is being "young" - although one of the judges she's replacing, Charley Speed, is only five years older than Kelly, making her closer to the "old" being replaced than the would-be models she's judging.

But the idea that "Kelly Osborne", who has been cluttering up showbusiness looking for a role since 2002, somehow reflects "the next big thing" rather than "the last number in the contact book" is amusing. Perhaps the series is going to try and save itself through post-modernism?