Stephen Fry intersects with modern music

Newsbeat got Stephen Fry in to listen to some pop music and say what he thought.

He was, reliably, all high-court-judge-what-is-beatles about his task:

“I could lie, but I couldn't even say what it is. I don't know the names of anybody. I'm not interested,” he admitted. “There's someone called Adelia? Adalia?”

“Adele,” replied the interviewer. “Adele. I've heard of her,” he said.

They played him some Little Mix:

As the English popsters sang the ‘sha-la-la-la, woo-ooo chorus’, the 58 year old asked: “Oh, they're not still singing ‘sha-la-la-la’ are they? It's got bits of Phil Spector right at the background through '70s bubblegum pop into a sort of modern version and it's a hideous, toxic compound. It's basically the musical equivalent of Haribo Starmix.”

Actually, Stephen, that's not really an insult.

Little Mix take the big prize

I think that Today managed to do a piece on the Popjustice £20 Music Prize yesterday means that it's now moved beyond a thing that happens to a Vital Part Of Our Cultural Hinterland.

Although Little Mix won it this year with Move.

Which is nowhere near as good as last year's winner...

... but then what is?

Gordon in the morning: Money for nothing

You remember how on Friday Gordon Smart was telling us how bloody loaded Little Mix are?

This morning, a piece by Will Payne on Bizarre tells us that actually they barely earned anything. Especially when compared with... oh, let's not spoil the surprise:

X FACTOR bad boy Frankie Cocozza made more than £120,000 last year.

The tearaway thought he had blown the chance of a lifetime when he was booted off the 2011 series in week six after boasting about taking cocaine.

But he has gone on to make more money than any other contestant from that year, including that year’s winners Little Mix. The four girls made £116,223 each in the same period.

So Gordon's impressed noises on Friday about how it was paying off for the girls, working so hard have now been drowned out by the revelation that Cocozza is pocketing more cash... doing what, exactly?

Most of the cash came from his stint on Celebrity Big Brother — worth £30,000 — plus magazine deals and club appearances worth up to £4,000 a night.

Frankie Cocozza is, it turns out, a one-man Only Way Is Essex. He's the artisan option for reality TV.

Gordon in the morning: Little Mix, big money

Gordon has got ever so excited at Little Mix's earnings. He starts off with the headline that they've banked over a million, but then the detail makes this a little less exciting:

In the financial year ending December 2012, the girls made £1.2million.

Gordon smacks his lips expecting more:

That’s before all of the income from their UK tour and album royalties would have come in, so they’re looking at another decent whack in the next 12 months.

Perhaps, although who knows how much the cost of all that help for the album was?

So, let's just focus on the money for the year to December, shall we?

£1.2million you say? That's not bad... except...

After their expenses — lots of hairspray — they netted a profit of £464,893

So as people, they actually only earned less than half a million.

Still, that's good, isn't it?

That’s almost £200,000 more than the US President earns a year.

That's true - Obama takes home about £265,000. Depending on exchange rates, of course, and remembering that he lives at the place he works which makes a mockery of the concept of "take home pay".

Except, of course, there's only one president of America, and there are four Little Mixers.

So that works out as £116,000 each, or about half a US President.

That's still not bad - although about forty grand less than MP Andrew Bridger makes when you add his second job and his MP salary, and Andrew Bridger says that's not enough.

And, as Gordon's "source" points out, they've worked bloody hard for that cash:

A source said: “The girls have barely had any time off since they won The X Factor. They got straight into the studio, then their tour, then were thrown into trying to crack America."

The band might want to look into who that source is, though, as they might have been dumped in it with HMRC:

“Given the girls have almost no expenses — they are always working, they get most of their clothes free and things such as bottle service in nightclubs are gratis — a lot of the income into that business will be saved up.”

Really? Because remember what Gordon said earlier:

After their expenses — lots of hairspray — they netted a profit of £464,893

Interesting that a band which has very few expenses managed to claim three quarters of a million difference between net and gross. Little Mix might want to find out who represents Vodafone.

Little Miss

Daybreak trumpeted the "takeover" of their Twitter feed this morning. Little Mix were coming, and they were going to answer questions...

... it just looks like someone forgot to post any of the answers to the feed. Whoops.

Gordon in the morning: Unlikely claims

Caroline McGuire meets Little Mix:

Leigh-Anne: A lot of girls tell us we’re their inspiration and role models and that is just from us being ourselves.

I think parents see us as their kids’ role models as well because of the inspirational lyrics that we write. Maybe that’s part of it — they love Change Your Life out there because of the message it has. We’ve had parents come up and thank us for giving their children someone to look up to. That’s an amazing feeling.

Really? Really?

Gordon in the morning: Things that never happened

Gordon does a spot of one-hand typing this morning, as Jade Thirwall tries an anecdote:

“I heard the rubbish lorries coming and realised I hadn’t taken me bins out, so was like ‘Oh my God.’

“I ran to the kitchen, grabbed me bin bag, ran out to the bin man and gave it to him.

“He was like ‘Oi oi!’. So I was like, ‘What?’ and I looked down and I had my thong on.

“I was just in my T-shirt and a thong.

“Full-on cheeks out and everything. I wasn’t even thinking,

“I was so embarrassed and just crept back in the house. It was awful.”

"... and then I suddenly realised this wasn't actually a thing that happened to me, it was a rejected script from the Benny Hill Show circa 1973, so that was alright then. Oh, and then this bald guy came up and so I had to keep hitting him on the head..."

Gordon in the morning: The fame monster

Oh, can you imagine the horror of being in Little Mix?

Yes, you probably can, as it's going to be a lot like everyone else's life.

Hang on a moment, though, it apparently involves getting mobbed:

LITTLE MIX star Jesy Nelson relies on her mother to avoid being easily recognised in public.

The singer admitted it can turn into quite an ordeal when she’s mobbed by fans.

She said: “I’ve started getting my mum to call me something else instead of my name when we’re out shopping."

Really? There's a massive subset of fans who would recognise your name but not your face?

Unless, maybe, your mother calls out things like "Jesy Nelson from Little Mix - yes you do, off the X Factor, imagine The Saturdays on powersave mode - could you get me a packet of Paxo from the gravy aisle, please." Then I guess it might happen.

Gordon in the morning: The Zayn vanishes

Not entirely sure why this story falls under the remit of Colin Robertson, TV editor, rather than Gordon himself, but - brace yourself - Zayn Malik has quit Twitter.

Apparently he was upset that he was being given grief because he's in some sort of relationship with Perrie Edwards out of Little Mix - I imagine tweets along the lines of 'What, won't Cowell let you date outside the church' were being fired in his direction.

That this is something of a non-story is more or less proven by one of the reactive tweets that Robertson has diligently harvested and reproduced:

Shocked supporter VaynZayn wrote on Twitter: “I feel like Zayn’s just broken up with me. Our non-existent twitter relationship is over."

Shocked? Really, Colin? You can't hear a rather sharp eyeroll and a 'nothing to see' when you come across it?

Gordon in the morning: Bad call

There's a photo been released by Bliss magazine of Little Mix bouncing about, styled after a girl's night in. Gordon seems a bit obsessed by it, though:

BLONDE X Factor winner poses with phone as she reveals girlband are still in touch with Tulisa
[...]
WONDER how long the other Little Mix girls waited before they told Perrie Edwards she’s holding a telephone and not a microphone?

Obviously, for the column which gave us Piers Morgan, Andy Coulson et al, misuse of the telephone is something of an expert subject, but is it really such an odd pose that it's worth mentioning not just as the intro, but also the teaser for the story?

And how come Gordon either doesn't seem to have noticed or care that, er, one of them appears to be singing into a lollipop.

Gordon in the morning: Sometimes, we share the same thought

Gordon brings news of a future publishing sensation:

LITTLE MIX are barely out of their school uniforms but have announced plans for an autobiography.

The girlband will put out Little Mix: Our Story So Far on September 16 with publishers HarperCollins.

Jesy, Perrie, Leigh-Anne and Jade will also release an official annual for 2013 in the same month.

From time to time, Gordon and I do react in the same way:

They'll need a hit first.

Being fair, they have had a hit, Gordon - they had a number one last year - but the spirit of your response is spot-on. Announcing an annual aimed at the Christmas 2012 market when you'd mostly been forgotten by Easter is a bit of a bold move.

But it's good news for Poundland, who can expect to take delivery of both books around this time next year.

The X Factor: A Warning From History

Little Mix, who apparently won The X Factor last week, and Marcus Collins, who didn't, have been sent a warning letter from Joe McElderry:

"You'll find it isn't really about coming first or second. I don't believe, Marcus, that you will have more creative control than Little Mix because you came second," he wrote. "It's up to you all to take it to the next level. There's no rule book for popstars. Everyone does it differently. X Factor is an amazing platform.

"You are in control of your own destiny. I know people think Simon Cowell is in control, and yes, sometimes you have to follow what the record company says, but Simon likes people who can stand up to him, who say: 'I don't want to do this', or, 'I like that song'."

On Cowell, McElderry continued: "He's a very busy man and spends a lot of time in America, so most of the time we'd chat on the phone, but now and again I'd go into the office and he'd be there and we'd chat about songs. I'd say: 'I'm not keen on this one and I really like that'.

"He'd say: 'Can you try this?' It's about building a working relationship, not who controls who."

All good advice. Slightly weakened by it having been scribbled between shifts on the back of a McDonalds tray liner.

The recipients got it, shrugged, and asked "who the hell is Joe McElderly? Never heard of him."

Showbiz Zoe with Zoe Showbiz goes to Romford

You'll remember Zoe Griffin, the former Sunday Mirror showbiz writer who now... well, you remember her.

Let's catch up with her "live like a VIP" blog where, yesterday, she went to a shopping centre in Essex to watch some people from a gameshow do a PA. That's less living like a VIP, more like living like someone on their way to Greggs to pick up lunch.

The PA was from Little Mix, off the current series of X Factors. You'll recall they used to have a different name. Zoe certainly does:

The band, who had to change their name from Rhythmix to avoid trouble with a long-established charity with the same name (don’t mess with do-gooders), bounded on stage to rapturous applause at the shopping centre.

"Don't mess with do-gooders" - what a nasty, sneery way of dismissing a charity which has been doing good work with young people for years. There's an implication ("to avoid trouble") that this was some sort of good-natured tussle, rather than a case of the band having to change their name because it refused to roll over simply because Simon Cowell attempted to bulldoze their name off of them. Griffin conjures a vision of angry do-gooders rather than good people having their work disrupted by an entertainment programme which thought its marketing needs were more important than people who help people.

Still, fair play to Zoe for pointing out the fundamental flaw in the day:

After the gig came the signings. As the band don’t actually have any material of their own yet, it made this particular part of the day a bit difficult.

At least they've got a name of their own, I guess. Or rather are able to use a trademark owned by Simon Cowell.