Kelly Rowland appears to believe that God is responsible for Verizon infrastructure

You're at sea. You have a small bit of trouble. Your phone is able to get a signal and you can call for help.

That, most people would assume, was a combination of luck and investment into the mobile phone network.

Not Kelly Rowland, though. She puts it down to God:

Speaking about the accident and how she came to be rescued, Rowland told Metro: "I remember thinking to myself, 'Lord, please don't let this boat capsize'." She added: "I was like, 'Please Lord, give me two bars. He gave me two bars and we contacted some folks that were on land and they helped us." The boat was 33 miles (53km) north of Provincetown when it was stranded.

Why would you only pray for a weak singnal? "O, lord, give me 4G, but not yet."

Furthermore, why would you ask god for a weak phone signal rather than, say, a boat, or help, or one of those whales out the Bible that you can live in assuming it's not a mistranslation of a metaphor for depression?

And, come to that, what sort of God is it who'd see one of his children bobbing about on the ocean, and decide that the intercession required was limited voice-carrier capability?

Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away.

Gordon in the morning: Spray job

Gordon's second-biggest story this morning is him looking a photo of Kelly Rowland and speculating.

What does he speculate?

KELLY Rowland's stylist must have used a whole can of hairspray to make her barnet stay in place for this shot.

It's really hard coming up with stories these days, huh, Gord?

Mobos moaning: Kelly Rowland's not happy

Perhaps the only piece of comfort for Kelly Rowland - livid at the poor sound of the MOBOs stage - is that it was only the MOBOs, and so it's not like anyone would have heard her performance.

What's hilarious is the way the MOBO organisers are trying to deny there was a problem at all:

A Mobo spokesman said: "Kelly Rowland looked at the BBC's iPlayer and thought her performance was better than she initially thought when she came off stage and is completely happy with her performance."

That seems a little unlikely, given that it sounds rotten on iPlayer and - even if you could ignore the muzak-in-a-cow-shed mix, that she is pulling a face of a woman trying to hold a feisty kitten in a room full of birds throughout suggests that she wasn't comfortable while it was happening.

Her Twitter stream recorded her anger...

OK. So, I'm at the MoBo's and getting ready to have a GREAT show with David and the MoBo's F'd my sound up!!!!! PISSED!!!!!

HONESTLY, that just makes me work harder! But, what I will say is the MoBo's owe me an apology!!!! I was LIVID after the show!

I wanted you guys to be the 1st to hear it from me! rehearsals. were fine. soundcheck. was fine. performance, wad a struggle at 1st

But, I got through it!!!!!!!! So-----It happens! The next show will be Better!--------TRUST!!!!!!!!!

Poor woman. Not only was her sound awful, but it looks like her exclamation mark key is sticking too.

There is, it's worth noting, no further tweet going "oh, it looks fine on iPlayer. Chill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Destiny regained

Rav Singh perhaps oversells the chances of a Destiny's Child reunion a little:

Beyonce's getting back with Destiny's Child

DESTINY'S CHILD are planning a Bootilicious comeback next year, I can exclusively reveal.

The R&B trio—KELLY ROWLAND, BEYONCE KNOWLES and MICHELLE WILLIAMS —want to reform and record some hotter-than-ever tracks.

Really?

Well, not quite - Kelly Rowland muttered something to him about a vague possibility that they might work together next year:

"Me and the girls never split up—we are as close as we always were, like sisters, and may do some projects next year".

That Kelly was talking to Rav (a) at all and (b) at some sort of launch for a car might suggest there's more than an element of wishful thinking involved here.

Still, nice to see Rav taking "may do projects" as "wanting to record some hotter-than-ever tracks."

Gordon in the morning: Business as usual

You'd have thought with the new 3AM column launching this morning, Gordon would have pulled out the stops for Bizarre this morning.

Nope.

The lead story is Kelly Rowland wore a basque. Or, as Gordon put it:

The former DESTINY’S CHILD star has covered up her assets for too long.

So it was great to see her strutting her stuff in this basque and sexy fishnets at London Astoria’s G-A-Y night on Saturday.

Gordon takes the opportunity to have the first of, what we fear might be many, unsubtle jives at Adele for not conforming to his idea of what's sexy:

She’s obviously been taking notice of the chart battle between ADELE and BASSHUNTER and realised it’s not just good vocals that get you ahead in the music world.

You'd have thought that even Gordon might have thought his story that Amy Winehouse is getting better would have been of a higher priority - although since she's only been in rehab for a couple of days, it seems unlikely that she's in a position yet where the headline ("Amy has cracked it") is anything other than over-optimistic. The story is hung on claims by a "close family friend" but, we suspect, the real meat of the tale is the large chunk in which yesterday's News of the World 'interview' with Blake is torn to pieces:

The family friend also slammed Amy’s jailed husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL for saying he fears her habits could kill her within three months.

Blake is in Pentonville Prison in London awaiting trial over trial-fixing allegations and GBH.

The friend went on: “That is a complete joke. Before Amy met Blake she never took any Class A drugs.

“It is him who started her off on crack and heroin.

“She has gone into rehab so she lives to see her thirties, forties and fifties.

“It would destroy her to read his comments."

Ah, the Monday Sun - or "don't believe anything our sister says".

Kelly Rowland's ghetto heaven

Kelly Rowland has recorded a song with Snoop Dogg, and, for her, that's as good as growing up in the Bronx, as the fabulously rich w:

I feel like everybody has some sort of element of ghetto in them. Think about it. Right? Wouldn't you say so? And everyone knows what the ghetto is.

Well, yes. But I also know what the North Atlantic Ridge is, Kelly, but that doesn't give me the right to go round claiming to be a blue whale.

Rare occurence: Pop star falls over through not drinking enought

The unfortunate soul in question being Kelly Rowland who fell down, all dehydrated like, during a Lagos festival. She spent some time in hospital but is all fine now, apparently.

That's the way to attack the charts

Kelly Rowland attempting to crack the all-important Cheeky Girls market.