Mobos announce shortlist. Pretend to look interested.

The annual MOBO awards - or the annual procession of self-defeat as it's also known - are just thirty four days away. The website has a countdown clock, which might give the impression of a world waiting, breath held; or put you in mind of the little calendar they print on the side of bicarb of soda boxes for keeping the fridge cool.

You might imagine that the excitement around N-Dubz getting three - or is it four - nominations would be the most useful way of calibrating your response to the shortlists, but there's something even more damning: Mr Hudson, (Hank Kingsley to Kanye West's Larry Sanders in a show without an Artie) is in the running for Best UK Act.

Although it's possible that the Mr Hudson listed in the nominations is actually the butler to the Bellamy family. It would only be slightly less plausible.

That actually not very shortlist in full:

Best UK Act

Alesha Dixon

Bashy

Beverley Knight

Chipmunk

Dizzee Rascal

DJ Ironik

Donae’o

Mr Hudson

N-Dubz

Tinchy Stryder

Best UK Newcomer

Alexandra Burke

Jade Ewen

JLS

Laura Izibor

Master Shortie

Best R&B/Soul Act

Beverley Knight

Ciara

Jeremih

Keri Hilson

Lemar

Best Hip Hop Act

Chipmunk

Dizzee Rascal

Drake

Eminem

Kanye West

Best Video

Bonkers - Dizzee Rascal

Boy Does Nothing - Alesha Dixon

Diamond Rings - Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyonce

Supernova - Mr Hudson ft Kanye West

Best International Act

Akon

Beyonce

Ciara

Drake

Eminem

Jay-Z

Kanye West

Keri Hilson

Lady Gaga

Mariah Carey

Best Song

Beat Again - JLS

Diamond Rings - Chipmunk ft Emeli Sande

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes - K.I.G. Family

Number One - Tinchy Stryder ft N-Dubz

Strong Again - N-Dubz

Best Album

808s and Heartbreaks - Kanye West

Catch 22 - Tinchy Stryder

Catch Me If You Can - Bashy

I Am... Sasha Fierce - Beyonce

Uncle B - N-Dubz

Best Reggae

Movado

Sean Paul

Serani

Tarrus Riley

Vybz Kartel

Best Jazz Act

Diana Krall

Herbie Hancock

Madeleine Peyroux

Melody Gardot

Yolanda Brown

Best African Act

Amadou and Mariam

Baaba Maal

Eidee

Femi Kuti

K’Naan

Lira

Mujava

Nneka

Oumou Sangare

Salif Kelta

Best Gospel Act

Desire to Worship God

Kiki Sheard

Mary Mary

New Direction

Crew

It's unbelievable that Lemar even now is getting a nomination - does he lend them the microphones for the finals or something; it's depressing how much the Mobos newcomers category implies that Black British talent is best defined by Simon Cowell's whims and the ITV1 audience.

Amy Winehouse discovers nepotism

The News of the World is thrilled - thrilled - this morning to report that Amy Winehouse is launching her own record label:

MEET Amy Winehouse, (the ever so unlikely) Music Mogul.

The recovering drug addict is spending a whopping £1 million to launch her own record company.

Well, that makes sense. She's done so well at managing her own affairs, why wouldn't she take on some other, younger, less together artists under her wing? I'm picturing something like putting Anakin in charge of the Younglings.

The trouble with running a record label is that you have to spend time trudging about, watching bands, listening to mp3s. How is Amy going to make room in her busy minesweeping and trapeze schedule to find acts to sign?

She’s named the business Lioness and has already made her first signing — her uber-talented 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield.

Amy Winehouse is somebody's godmother? Supposedly pledged to protecting this Dionne from Satan? Presumably by distracting him and keeping him busy?

Yes, by a fabulous stroke of good fortune, Amy has managed to find an "uber-talented" artist for her label simply by concentrating hard to remember some people she knows.

Naturally, what parent wouldn't be delighted at the thought of their preteen being taken under Amy's protective wing and being shown the route through the potential pitfalls of the music industry?

Amy is so confident that Dionne has what it takes to become Britain’s next pop sensation she’s teamed her up with US star Lady Gaga, soul singer Lemar and X Factor finalist Eoghan Quigg to record duets.

Lemar? Eggand Quim? Short of making the poor child dress up in a Mr Wimpy costume and record a song with Michael Barrymore, it's hard to see how the kid could be any more hobbled. Perhaps Amy is approaching it like when twelve year-olds get swimming certificates: everyone knows that in the real world you won't have to rescue someone clinging to brick while wearing pyjamas, but being able to overcome the extreme disadvantage is good training.

Lemar: Forget 'talent show loser', think 'Peter Stringfellow on a budget'

Oh, Lemar, why don't you just buy a magazine if you're that desperate, lad?:

"I'm thinking of putting poles either side of the stage and having girls from the audience dance for me.

"It would be a good way to catch my breath between songs - I'd need lots of water though."

If you really have decided that your music is so weak it's going to need busty-dancing to keep the audience's attention, couldn't you at least pay someone to do it? Or is this meant to be like user generated-content for the live arena?