Lindsay Lohan throws her hat into overcrowded 2020 ring

Kanye West - the character out of the Kim Cardigan show - has already made noises about perhaps running for president in 2020. I think we're all assuming he's using the phrase "running for president" in the sense that Donald Trump uses it, as in "mugging for the cameras".

Now, a second name drawn from the "I think they used to make records, didn't they?" file has announced her intention to run. Step forward, Lindsay Lohan. No, really, step forward, I struggle to remember which one is you and which one is Hilary Duff.

Lohan is already constructing her platform:

The first thing I would like to do as president of 🇺🇸 is take care of all of the children suffering in the world.🎹💜🌎🌏👊🏻👊🏾👊🏼👊🏽🙏🏻💋🙌 #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country 🇬🇧

Just as a side note, this is the first emoji-strewn post in over a decade of No Rock and Roll Fun, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm using "proud" in the sense that Jeb Bush uses when he says positive things about Donald Trump, as in "jesus, this is still a thing?"

Anyway, leaving aside the manner of delivery, let's just examine Lohan on her policy platform. It might come as news to residents of the UK that the Queen - or hashtagLiz as she's being officially rebranded - is diligently taking care of all the suffering children.

It may also be something of a surprise to discover that hashtagLiz "had" Lindsay in the country - presumably that VIP fast lane at Heathrow immigration is more elaborately staffed than you've ever imagined as you watch people waft into it. I'm assuming the Queen sits at the desk muttering "oh, yes, Mean Girls. One thought so much of Diana when one watched that one. Do come in".

There is a possibility that we're over-thinking this - perhaps Lohan's plan is that you can stop children suffering just by having the Queen let them into the UK.

Imagine. Nigel. Farage's. Face.

And for that reason, and that reason alone, No Rock And Roll Fun is pleased to endorse Lindsay Lohan for 2020 - the first president whose entire policy is to troll UKIP from the White House. I'm already sending an email pledging to work on ads attacking Kanye West - I'm thinking mostly just rolling the "in the French restaurant/ Hurry up with my damn croissants" line over and over in every ad break from now until 2019. Eating in a French restaurant will play really badly in the midwest, and being rude to waiters will kill support pretty much everywhere else apart from Beverley Hills.

Lohan is as good as on Rushmore.

Gordon in the morning: He's vital

You know, I might have been a bit tough on the old police-bribing, army-compromising, phone-hacking, murder-interfering team over at News International this last... well, this last forever.

But people like, say, Joanne Cash are adamant that the papers that ooze out of the edifice are vital to the health of our democracy.

It's true, of course. Today, Gordon starts a story with this paragraph:

PUFFY-FACED Lindsay Lohan draws a picture of a burger during a game of Pictionary on a US chat show

Can you imagine a world in which such a story didn't get published?

Darkness at 3AM: Lesbians eat food - just like everyone else

Surely, a couple of years back, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson going into Somerfield would have been a story so slight it would have struggled to make the grade for a "spotted" item? Now, though, 3AM clears space for in-depth reportage:

Good old Linds... she seems more than happy to muck it along with the rest of us.

With the cream of the capital's shops to choose from she and girlfriend Sam Ronson ended up in Somerfield.

And, fair play to the American lovebirds, they seemed to love every minute of it!

They were buying snacks. Of course they'd nip into the nearest convenience store. Even spray-tan millionaires aren't going to drive to Selfridges to buy a box of cereal, are they?

Linds was positively beaming as she handpicked her Coco Pops and Fanta, even swiping them through at a self-service till for the full experience.

She handpicked her CocoPops? Or did she just pick up a box from the front of the shelf?

Isn't it wonderful being normal? We can just imagine her gushing to Sam about all the fabulous bargains.

It is normal, you're right, 3AMies. Normal. As in "an everyday bloody occurrence of no consequence whatsoever, even if you list the purchased items". Normal. Even if you "imagine" a conversation where Lohan talks to Samantha Ronson about the price of breakfast cereal.

Darkness at 3AM: But isn't one of them "the man"?

Clearly there's nobody left at the Mirror who reads the copy - as the 3AM feed shows, the original copy suggested they weren't aware that even if a lesbian is called Sam, she would still be a she not a he.

Also: how embittered does the item make them sound anyway? God forbid that people who love each other should express emotions - after "hours" apart.

Lohan: Palin pregnancy a distraction

Lindsay Lohan has taken to her blog to air her worry that press obsession with Bristol Palin's pregnancy is taking attention from what's really important: Lindsay Lohan. Sorry, "the issues":

"Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place," Lohan wrote. "It's distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.

She continued, "I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter's pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them — if elected. I get Sarah Palin's views against abortion, but I would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what."

Lohan, of course, is known for her focus on public policy - hence her nickname Lindsay 'Medicare this, surge that' Lohan - and, I guess, it's this concentration on policy detail that has led her to get confused and apparently believe that Palin clambered onto a stage and bellowed "my daughter doesn't seem to offer my hope that my desperate belief in abstinence will work".

Still, let's hope Palin will heed Lohan's call and start to focus on the important questions, like, when will these Alaskans get off the gossip pages and leave them to those who work for it?

Lohan update

Since Lindsay posted her last, Micheal, her father, has been back on to his blab-outlet of choice, X17, with this classy riposte:

My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral. THIS will show her true colors!

Now, kids, that's respect - you actually wait until your parent has expired before issuing the challenge to your ex-wife and kids. Nobody warms to a guy who starts turning the funeral into a celeb-slapfest before the corpse is cold.

It's unclear if Lohan also left the hospital room before sending out his challenges to Dina, although since his Blackberry couldn't do any harm once the medical equipment was no longer required, we shouldn't think badly of him if he didn't.

Lohan behold

Time, once again, to turn our attention to the happy world of the Lohans, where Lindsay Lohan's dating of Samantha Ronson has now brought the Kaiser Chiefs just one degree of separation shy of getting a spot on E! Entertainment Television.

Lohan's father, though - who seems to be offering TV networks a chance to pay for him to slag off his daughter - is incensed that Samantha Ronson is making herself famous by kissing his daughter. Though, to be fair, even if that is her motivation, surely that still puts her one moral notch above a man who makes himself famous by verbally bitch-slapping his daughter.

Still, Lindsay can take this no more - and let's be generous and not assume that the "this" isn't "the spotlight being on someone else for a moment" in this case, and lambasts her father's decision to air what remains of the family's dirty laundry in public:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face -- that's what I have believed my whole life. Don't be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world.

The effect of this high-minded appeal to talk face-to-face and not, via advertising-supported proxies, over each other's heads to the court of public opinion is only slightly diminished by being published on Lohan's MySpace blog.

MTV plot over-literal Katy Perry performance

Given that Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl has all the subtlety of a Simon Heffer think piece, it's surprising to discover that MTV executives are afraid that their viewers might not have got the point of the song, and are trying to get her to kiss a girl while performing her hit single Look! Look! I've Had A CosmoGirl Style Bi-Try Experimental Snog With A Girl! Me, Over Here! Little Bit Gay! OMG Not "Gay" Gay Though Like, Cringe Or What?.

And through a process which we can only conclude involved typing FAMOOS LESBIAN into Google, they're angling for Lindsay Lohan. Which would take a grindingly obvious stunt record, add a screamingly hackneyed stunt, and call for a flatly unsurprising guest appearance.

Now: if it was Blanche from the Golden Girls, then we'd offer some respect.

Britney's knickers nix snappers

There's been an attempt in LA to introduce some sort of law to curb the excesses of the paparazzi - clearly, the city is worried that if it becomes impossible for anyone who has ever had a guest slot on Lost to walk down the streets without having their arse photographed from sixteen angles, the celebrities might take their lovely money somewhere else to live.

However, the local police - seemingly keen to live up to their doughnut-eating, crime-missing stereotype - aren't that keen on having more work to do and so are suggesting that, oddly, there isn't a problem any more:

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank god; and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," [LAPD Chief William ]Bratton told KNBC, L.A.'s local NBC affiliate.

He went on to offer similar sentiments to several other local outlets, calling the would-be crackdown on paparazzi a "farce," and further claiming that interest in candid pics has already waned.

Bratton is a grown man, and yet he believes that Lindsay Lohan going sort-of-perhaps Sapphic has made photographers less, rather than more, interested in her. He should try standing outside his police station and shouting "look - isn't that Lindsay Lohan kissing A LADY" and seeing just how uninterested they are.

"If the ones that attract the paparazzi behave in the first place, like we expect of anybody, that solves about 90 percent of the problem. The rest we can deal with."

Now, it's true that Britney might have drawn a little attention to herself, but given that she was clearly, actually, out of her mind - not to mention hounded every time she steps outside the house - it's hardly fair to just snort "she brought it on herself". Is Bratton really suggesting that the mentally ill shouldn't be protected if their behaviour makes them draw attention to themselves?

Still, let's take Bratton at his word, and see this as a wonderful victory for self-regulation. Presumably he'll be pushing for the city to adopt the same approach to pimping and drug-dealing. LA might wind up not needing a police force at all.

Darkness at 3AM: What and the city?

It must be great for the 3AM Girls having an early-evening world premiere on their patch - no need to hold the mighty Daily Mirror presses; they can just slip the red carpet gossip into the paper before the sun sets.

So, what went on, 3AMies?

Oh. Lindsay Lohan is going to sell her tights? Kelly Osbourne had a Subway sandwich? Did nobody tell them about the premiere? Or are they just waiting until it comes out on DVD?

Lindsay Lohan becomes a poster child for drunk-driving

Several states in America are currently pondering legislation which would make convicted drunk drivers install a device in their vehicles which would make their cars incapable of starting if they try to drive drunk.

The drinks industry is, for some reason, confused by this - it's decided that while drunk-driving is bad, it's also some sort of human right. And so it's running adverts with photos of Lindsay Lohan. No, really:

The full-page black-and-white ad appeared in USA Today on Friday and was paid for by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry. The ad reads "Ignition interlocks are a good idea for" above Lohan's mug shot from her July 24, 2007, arrest and "But a bad idea for us" above smaller photos of people drinking.

We're not entirely sure if they're suggesting that Lindsay Lohan - and Lindsay Lohan alone - should be breath-tested every time she starts a car, and that everybody else should be free to drive while intoxicated lest it interfere with their business, but it does seem like that.

Lohan's people, meanwhile, have suggested that she thinks the ignition interlock might be a good idea all round:

USA Today is idiotic to run such an irresponsible advertisement suggesting that drinking and driving is some kind of American 'tradition' we should protect," Lohan's lawyer, Blair Berk, said in a statement. "Not identifying that this ad was paid for by the liquor and restaurant industries is profoundly reckless.

"Drunk, white businessmen, drunk housewives out for girls night out and drunk wedding parties should be kept off the roads of America," Berk continued. "Lindsay Lohan fully endorses ignition interlock devices, which have been well-proven to save lives."

The US drinks industry seems to miss the reason why people are upset by the idea that some Americans should be allowed to drive drunk as if it upholds a tradition:

The American Beverage Institute stood by its use of Lohan's image.

"People magazine, Smoking Gun and a lot of people have republished this mug shot," said Longwell. "It was publicly accessible. We're not using it for any kind of commercial gain. So we're well within our rights to use it."

It's not that you used Lohan's picture, you idiots, it's that you think it's a good idea to campaign against the measure in these terms in the first place.

Lohan reaches for the sky

Lindsay Lohan's reluctant return to making records - for some reason, time is weighing heavily on her hands these days; will Disney not commit to a new Herbie movie? - is at least one she's taking seriously:

LINDSAY LOHAN has revealed that she would like her new album to be a party classic in the style of KYLIE MINOGUE and RIHANNA.

Yes. I'm sure you do wish that. Perhaps you should think about setting the bar a little lower - maybe Mandy Moore? Or the younger of the Simpson children?

The young actress, who has previously released two albums SPEAK and A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL, added that she hopes to tour with the record, telling Now magazine "I hope to really promote it".

Since it's unlikely to sell many copies, and you're going to be relying on income from people coming for a little look-see, you better hope you do.

Still, at least with the experience of the last couple of years behind her, there might be some substance to the record - some of the grit that's been picked up each time she fell?

Erm, no:

"I think the past is the past and it should be kept there," she told People magazine.

"It's a new slate for me, and I want to show that in my new record."

So, having done something interesting, she's decided to pretend it never happened. 'I've been to hell and back - let me tell you about the back' is perhaps the least alluring proposition she has to offer.

Gordon in the morning

Keira Knightley has done a shoot for Elle magazine with a not-especially-short skirt. Gordon welcomes this, of course:

WE are so used to seeing KEIRA KNIGHTLEY dressed up to the nines in Victorian clobber.

Which makes it a nice change to see her show off a bit of flesh and, of course, wearing a pair of boots.

We're surprised that Gordon has got "used to seeing" her in Victorian clothes. Perhaps she goes round trussed up in outfits especially for him. Or maybe he thinks that Atonement is Victorian rather than inter-war [Corrected - see comments]. Or that Pirates of the Caribbean and Sense and Sensibility are Victorian rather than Georgian. Or perhaps Gordon just thinks anything before Trainspotting came out is Victorian.

He's also got pictures from Lindsay Lohan's "comeback" advert campaign, which sees Lohan sharing the stage with what looks like Marvel superheroes reimagined by a not especially talented facepainter. Naturally, there has to be a reference to the upskirt shots Bizarre is so fond of running, but how to do it without making it sound gratuitous?

Lohan also made headlines for forgetting her knickers - which could explain where Baby Spidey came from.

Eh? What does that even mean? Does Gordon think that if you don't wear pants you get pregnant as a result? By, erm, a superhero? Or is he confusing pubic hair and webs?

Lohan discovers a contract is a contract

Perhaps as if to prove the sort of difficulty that Universal is in when it comes to making shrewd decisions: They've decided to force Lindsay Lohan to deliver the third album of her contract, despite the demand for the product being so close to absolute zero it could preserve the dead back to life and the prospect of trying to handle a press-junket to promote the album being as delightful as a chance to go skinny-dipping in broken glass.

Some promises, people, it is best to just let slide.

Ricky Gervais' clean break

The news that Doherty has slipped - again - won't impress Ricky Gervais, who's been snorting derisively at the praise the Lohans and Spears get for kicking addictions:

"I feel sorry for those people who don't know any better, have these addictions and go off the rails (but) it makes me laugh when someone says, 'I haven't taken drugs for three years,' and they get a round of applause.

"Most people haven't taken drugs their whole life! It's like, 'I haven't murdered for a week - way to go!' I'm one of those people who think, 'Pull yourself together!'"

Yes, it's true that, Ricky. It's almost like they're glamourising drugs by turning the struggle against them into something noble. You know, like making a video game about drug dealers might be thought of as doing.

[Thanks to Michael M for the link to the quote]

Love offers Winehouse light

As if having adopted the role of Official Spokesperson for Owen Wilson's mental health wasn't enough, Courtney Love has taken on the Amy Winehouse account, too.

Oddly, she doesn't seem to blame Steve Coogan for this one. Or hasn't yet, anyway. Instead - and you'll want to hold the front page here - she reveals that Amy Winehouse does drugs:

“Amy does more drugs than anyone I’ve known.”

“I’ve been with lots of people when they’ve taken coke, including stars like LINDSAY LOHAN and KATE MOSS.

“But I’ve never seen anyone take as much coke as Amy. Even I wasn’t that bad.”

Wasn't that bad? If Courtney proceeds with the re-writing of history this way, she's going to be revealing details of the Home For The Fallen Women she was running while married to Perry Como by the end of the year.

It's not clear what Courtney was hoping this intervention would do.

Lindsay Lohan gets her day in court. And prison

Lindsay Lohan has been sent to prison for her DUI offences.

For a day.

With good behaviour, she could be out in time for Deal Or No Deal.

She's issued a statement, so if you have tears, prepare to shed them now:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

"Recently I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case."

She's also going to do some community service, and, naturally, there will be a "drug treatment programme" for Lindsay to finish. If the programme's half as good as the Herbie film, we're all in trouble.

Beth Ditto continues to have a Pop

The latest edition of Pop is embarking on a plan to subvert the idea of size zero models.

Not really, of course - that would involve hiring models for their magazine which reflects more accurately what real women look like. Instead, they're just going to lob in a photospread with Beth Ditto and hope that everyone mistakes tokenism for activism:

Katie Grand, fashion stylist and editor-in-chief of POP, said: "Beth Ditto has become an accidental size hero for the size-zero age ... She has become a generational icon, confounding the tedious stereotypes of what it is to be a wonderful 21st-century woman."

Grand's decision to feature Ditto is significant because it goes against the grain in a fashion industry where size still rules. "She is a very good, positive role model. There is something about her that makes everybody say, 'I'd like to be like that,'" Grand adds.

Apparently that quote took the Independent on Sunday's Susie Mesure five goes to transcribe, because it was hard to make out the words against the sounds of backs soundly being slapped.

Mesure doesn't ask Grand in what way Ditto's position has been "accidental" rather than calculated, thereby removing one of Ditto's saving graces: she hasn't just wandered into this by mistake, she's clearly playing the game two moves ahead of everyone else.

Nor does Mesure ask Grand why, if the usual, wafer-thin models are so "tedious", does she fill Pop with them? This issue does have more "real women", to be fair: Yoko Ono, Lily Allen and Lindsay Lohan. All women you might meet down the local chip shop, then. It's actually quite amusing when you stop battering your head on the table long enough to think about it: Pop Magazine's idea of what people in the real world are like is Lindsay Lohan.

Sorry, did we say amusing? We meant something more akin to the noise of a long, damaged howl.

Ditto, for her part, pops up for an interview:

"I'm afraid of being naked!" she says in the POP interview. "I was scared to death of being in a bikini for POP. I grew up poor white trash. I have hairy armpits. I'm fat."

This might be more convincing if Ditto hadn't already done the cover of NME naked, nor had a reputation for stripping down while playing live. And - since she's always maintained, correctly, that it's the choice of the individual to depilate or not, why would she be "afraid" of showing hairy armpits?

Rav reads the runes: Lohan is goin'

If Rav Singh is to be believed, Lindsay Lohan is about to be dropped both by film company and record label. Although it's debatable how much credibility you want to give a man who types this with a straight face:

Tinseltown sources tell me entertainment chiefs have held a string of meetings to discuss Lindsay's future.

Tinseltown? Has anyone called Hollywood "Tinseltown" since about the mid 1970s?

Leno blasted for Lohan jokes

What would be the least of Lindsay Lohan's problems right now? If you thought 'being the punchline of Jay Leno's jokes', you're actually wrong. Old mother Lohan has taken time out of her busy schedule of baking cakes with files in and filling tennis balls with neat vodka in order to issue a statement about a skit on Leno:

"We have a great respect for Jay Leno but we are disappointed in the path he chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation concerning Lindsay. This is a very personal and private matter and our only concern is to get Lindsay the help that she needs."

So personal and private, indeed, that Dina Lohan issued this statement to Access Hollywood.