Beatles also not in this chart

Interesting toy developed to help push Vodafone's business: the Real-time UK Top 40. It's simple - you tweet what you're listening to with a #realtimetop40 hashtag, they knock up a chart.

Depressingly, it turns out a lot of people are listening to Patrick Swayze's She's Like The Wind right now. Even if you were still in mourning, you just wouldn't, would you?

Gordon in the morning: Cancer sticks

Last week, Gordon was using his column to encourage people to send positive thoughts and happy messages to Patrick Swayze. Today, he's running long lens pap snaps of Patrick puffing on a fag and getting Emily Smith to tick him off for it.

[Swayze's brother] also said Patrick’s wife Lisa, 51, is liquidising high-fat dinners as he is having trouble keeping down solid foods.

Yeah, a man who's that ill really deserves to have a newspaper lecturing him about one of the few pleasures he might have left. If you've got pancreatic cancer that is so far advanced, not having a cigarette might make very little difference, surely?

Gordon, meanwhile, has... shall we say issues? He looks at a photo of Eva Longoria-Parker, and what does he see?

Now this new pic of her struggling to keep her lady lumps in her dress has got me craving chocolaty mallow-filled WAGON WHEELS. Yum.

Wagon Wheels is one thing. We're trying not to picture Gordon's Sherbert Fountain.

There's also a really bemusing piece about Miley Cyrus:

THIS is the most Googled girl on t’internet — teenage actress MILEY CYRUS.

Yes, "t'internet" again.

The star, daughter of mulleted Achy Breaky Heart singer BILLY RAY CYRUS, has coined it in since her success in Disney sitcom Hannah Montana.

The reference to coining it is merely to try and prop up the dreadful headline:

Montana star is silly pay Cyrus

Oddly, Having been confident with the programme that made Miley famous, Gordon then seems to forget it again:

The nippers tell me Miley plays Miley Stewart in the show, whose alter-ego is pop sensation Hannah Montana.

The showbiz editor of Britain's largest daily newspaper affecting to not know about Hannah Montana in 2008 is a bit odd, but then Gordon caps it:

Hannah Montana, THE TING TINGS, JOE LEAN AND THE JING JANG JONG?

The world is going completely mad...

Not only does he pad out the piece with a 'these young people and their crazy names' line that would have looked weak in a Mike Yarwood sketch in the early 80s, but also makes some sort of connection between Cyrus and the Ting Tings. He gets paid for doing this, you know.

Gordon in the morning: Swayze and means

Well, it could have been worse. We were worried that this morning's Bizarre would have attempted to crowbar in a reference to how he was once a ghost, but the coverage of Patrick Swayze's cancer isn't quite that cloying. Not quite, anyway. With Emily Smith covering the story, and Emma Morton (the Sun's health and science editor) explaining what cancer is, Gordon is left with little to do but invite people to send messages of support:

Now, the 55-year-old could be spending his last few precious weeks with his family as pancreatic cancer takes hold.

Leave your messages of support by using the MySun link below.

If you did have weeks to live, it's not clear how much of that "precious time" you'd want to spend wading through heartfelt but poorly constructed messages from Sun readers.

Gordon and Emily have a difference of opinion over exactly what Patrick is like. For Gordon, he's:

DIRTY Dancing heart throb PATRICK SWAYZE

but for Emily, he's:

DIRTY Dancing hunk PATRICK SWAYZE

Presumably Gordo was worried that calling a man a hunk makes it sound like it's your opinion, whereas "heart throb" is an observation of other people's reactions.

There's something heartwarming about Emma Morton's attempts to explain pancreatic cancer to the Bizarre readership:

THE pancreas is a gland that secretes digestive enzymes and produces important hormones like insulin, writes The Sun’s Health and Science Editor Emma Morton.

Pancreatic cancer is notoriously difficult to treat. And it is hard to diagnose, because of its location at the back of the abdomen.

Emma's faith that "abdomen", "enzyme" and "insulin" are going to illuminate the matter for Gordon's readers is touching. Perhaps she should have seen how Gordon handles pregnancy before deciding where to pitch her piece. Angelina Jolie, we're told by the HTML page title, is

Busty and pregnant

while

Super-fit NICOLE KIDMAN also looks swell as her baby bump begins to bulge.

There's not much sign that Gordon thinks his readers did more human biology than giggling over page 72 in the text book.