Gordon in the morning: Shingles chart

In the midst of a pile of jibber-jabber about the making of the new Girls Aloud video, Gordon throws away the one interesting fact he has:

Nadine, now on her sickbed with a bout of shingles, wanted Irish talent in the mix while Nicola no doubt asked for some redheads.

Shingles? Really? But before we're able to focus on this, Smart is yammering away about rubbish again ("she has red hair, so she'd probably want red-haired people in the video"? Why - do they stick together or something, Gordon?)

Even more bizarrely - perhaps as a sign that he's even boring himself - Gordon suddenly starts talking about Duff McKagan's clunking Loaded band instead. The vague reason is that McKagan apparently likes Girls Aloud, but it looks more like Smart was desperate to smuggle a reference to a band nobody cares about into his paper and used this paper tiger as a Trojan horse. Although if you really used a paper tiger like that, your troops would fall out the tiger and everyone would be a little embarrassed.

There's trouble, too, with the non-story about Eva Longoria perhaps being pregnant. The piece is so slight, it's got three headlines on it and none of them make any sense.

On the online front page of Bizarre, it's

Eva is so sexy

Eh?

On the top of the webpage window, someone has decided that the headline should be

Eva Longoria looks chest swell

On the news page itself, the headline is

Evarest

What?

When even the subs can't work out what the story is meant to be, surely its a sign to spike the thing?

Gordon in the morning: Cancer sticks

Last week, Gordon was using his column to encourage people to send positive thoughts and happy messages to Patrick Swayze. Today, he's running long lens pap snaps of Patrick puffing on a fag and getting Emily Smith to tick him off for it.

[Swayze's brother] also said Patrick’s wife Lisa, 51, is liquidising high-fat dinners as he is having trouble keeping down solid foods.

Yeah, a man who's that ill really deserves to have a newspaper lecturing him about one of the few pleasures he might have left. If you've got pancreatic cancer that is so far advanced, not having a cigarette might make very little difference, surely?

Gordon, meanwhile, has... shall we say issues? He looks at a photo of Eva Longoria-Parker, and what does he see?

Now this new pic of her struggling to keep her lady lumps in her dress has got me craving chocolaty mallow-filled WAGON WHEELS. Yum.

Wagon Wheels is one thing. We're trying not to picture Gordon's Sherbert Fountain.

There's also a really bemusing piece about Miley Cyrus:

THIS is the most Googled girl on t’internet — teenage actress MILEY CYRUS.

Yes, "t'internet" again.

The star, daughter of mulleted Achy Breaky Heart singer BILLY RAY CYRUS, has coined it in since her success in Disney sitcom Hannah Montana.

The reference to coining it is merely to try and prop up the dreadful headline:

Montana star is silly pay Cyrus

Oddly, Having been confident with the programme that made Miley famous, Gordon then seems to forget it again:

The nippers tell me Miley plays Miley Stewart in the show, whose alter-ego is pop sensation Hannah Montana.

The showbiz editor of Britain's largest daily newspaper affecting to not know about Hannah Montana in 2008 is a bit odd, but then Gordon caps it:

Hannah Montana, THE TING TINGS, JOE LEAN AND THE JING JANG JONG?

The world is going completely mad...

Not only does he pad out the piece with a 'these young people and their crazy names' line that would have looked weak in a Mike Yarwood sketch in the early 80s, but also makes some sort of connection between Cyrus and the Ting Tings. He gets paid for doing this, you know.