Darkness at 3AM: Oh, god, here comes autumn

It was funny watching Tonight Without Trevor McDonald Anymore last night, wailing about how rude and ill-mannered everybody is these days, when the only programme anyone watches on ITV any more consists of Simon Cowell and that simpering balloon-head who used to edit the Mirror being paid millions to be rude to people.

And, while Britain's Got Talent has only just got underway, the other half of the never-ending Cowell story is already preparing in the wings, with Dannnii Minogue getting space in 3AM to stoke the choreographed "feuds" between her and the other judges:

Referring to her run-ins with the pair, she adds: "I just kept my mouth shut through all that. I found it somewhere between funny and disturbing.

"There were some moments when I felt like I was back at school. It was distressing but I'm prepared for it this year."

Like being back at school? Well, yes, if you used to be part of a very lightly talented amateur dramatics troupe in your class.

The 3AM Girls are a bit hard up for copy today: they've got a story about the Queens of Noize's rider for a TV promo event. The Queens Of Noize? Even their mums would have trouble placing them, surely? What next: Sean Keavney's holiday plans? So obscure, indeed, are the DJs that the Mirror manages to spell their name incorrectly.

GlastOn TV: A glimpse of Pete Doherty

I'm not going to pretend that I'm television production material, but I'm struggling to understand the thought process which led BBC Three to show a sliver of Babyshambles - and I mean a sliver, I don't think Doherty actually sang a coherent word in the slice that made it to screen - before cutting away to The Kooks live.

Okay, it was absolutely live rather than taped, like the Babyshambles performance, but since they could join The Kooks at any point, wouldn't the fascinating experience of watching Doherty in front of a massive crowd, basking in having his words sung back to him, have been worth persevering with for a while longer? It would have been nice to see if he rose to the occasion; as if he really fitted in this sort of environment as much as the glimpse made it seem. This Glastonbury appearance could be the point where Babyshambles, where Doherty, finally loses his claim to be any sort of cultural outlaw and admits he's become a Fast Show character - well-loved, but poorly sketched. It could be a musical turning point. It might not be, too.

But you know that it's at least got to be more interesting than the bloody Kooks, live or not.

The Arctic Monkeys have just got round to doing Diamonds Are Forever on the press red service (a world where time runs differently, and last night is forever now) - it's nice to see what they can manage with a song that calls for a little bit more than their own compositions.

Bjork - besides inspiring someone to shout out "she's got scary lady trumpet players" - was notable for reprising her swan dress by wearing what appeared to be pigeon roadkill wings yesterday evening.

The most perfect experience so far - from a multiscreen point of view - has been CSS, although if we find out who stole Lovefoxx's headband, we'll kick their asses from here to Rio. It looks like security - in something of a first - have learned to not immediately treat a singer touching the audience as a code red this year. Although maybe if they had, she'd not have lost her headband.

Oh dear. Perhaps the Queens of Noize would have been better off if they hadn't scripted their links. The big question, though, from a presentation point of view is why they whipped the big sofa out from under Phil Jupitus and Lauren Laverne on BBC Two during the pre-Doctor Who portion of the evening. They threw to one of Colin Murray's "reports" (he is the one-man skateboarding duck of the festival) sitting on it; upon their return, it was gone. Perhaps it was banished because it gave the air of Jupitus having come up trumps on the mail-order bride deal.