A second shot at obscurity

Revenge is a dish best served well past its sell-by date, apparently:

A TALENTED singer, who was once dropped from a hit girlband by Louis Walsh, is to make her TV comeback this weekend.

Cork woman Paula O'Neill (33) will appear on this Sunday's Voice of Ireland, more than a decade after being dumped unceremoniously out of the band Bellefire.

Paula was never given an explanation as to why she was kicked out of the group, co-managed by Louis Walsh, and said that she would love to finally hear an answer.

If, as the Herald claims, she is a talented singer, it'd make sense why she wouldn't have fitted in with Bellefire.

Still, you can understand her continued ire at being kicked out of the band. For the last decade, she's known the pain of not being in a hugely successful pop group.

Which, to be fair, she'd also have known if she'd been in Bellefire.

Mel C demands Louis Walsh's credentials

Mel C is delighted that Louis Walsh is leaving the X Factor, because she doesn't see the point of him:

"Louis Walsh and myself have had a bit of a spat running over the years," she said.

"He has been very rude about me. We had an argument on CD:UK.

"He's a very lucky man to be where he is in my opinion. What does he actually do?"

Louis Walsh has been coasting, doing ten consecutive series of X Factor. Mel C, on the other hand, only did one stretch as a judge on that Jesus thing.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon in the limelight

Rather than bothering with Bizarre this morning, instead here's a quick look at a story in MediaGuardian where the fallout from scuttlebutt about Louis Walsh continues.

Last year, The Sun had to apologise to Walsh after admitting its story claiming he was being "probed" over a "sex attack" was total bollocks. It continued to unravel, as the Sun's "source" and claimed victim Leonard Watters was sent to jail.

Walsh, though, still has a burning curiosity about how the story came to be published in The Sun, and on Friday, a Judge in the Irish Republic ordered the paper to hand over all its paperwork:

The judge ruled on Friday that Walsh was entitled to all documents associated with the investigation by the newspaper's crime writer Joanne McElgunn. He also directed that the newspaper should provide all documents identifying or referring to any payments made or offered by the newspaper to Watters and statements of McElgunn's expenses.

The documentation must include the booking of a hotel room for Watters, bank statements, text messages, emails and records of phone calls.

The orders, made by Mr Justice Iarfhlaith O'Neill, also apply to The Sun's editor, Dominic Mohan, its Irish editor Michael McNiff and the editor of its Bizarre column, Gordon Smart.

Still, I'm sure everything will be in order.

Gordon in the morning: Louis Walsh is cleared

The man who made allegations of sexual assault against Louis Walsh has withdrawn the claims, and The Sun couldn't be happier:

SIMON Cowell last night spoke of his joy after close pal Louis Walsh was cleared over false sex assault claims - with the X Factor boss saying he always knew they were rubbish.

Larissa Nolan files a long story about how Louis never touched a man in the toilet:

The man who claimed Louis groped him in a club toilet is now being grilled by cops on suspicion of making a false statement.

Ballroom dance teacher Leonard Watters, 24, was arrested after retracting his complaint.

In fact, The Sun is so delighted Gordon Smart himself writes a little think-piece about how absurd the very idea of the allegations were in the first place:

WHEN I first heard the allegations being made against Louis Walsh I was genuinely shocked.

Ask anyone who knows him - he's one of the nicest blokes in showbiz.

I've known him for seven years and he has always been one of the most friendly, decent and warm characters I have met in the music industry.

There's a lot of this.

Earlier this year we had a night out in Dublin, with some late night drinking.

On those occasions it was obvious to me he hasn't got a bad bone in his body - even after a big drink.

It was obvious.

As soon as I heard the allegations, I rang Louis to let him know that police were investigating. In that phone conversation he categorically denied he had done anything wrong.

What Gordon doesn't mention, of course - and the reason the paper is fawning desperately over a man who doesn't have a bad bone in his body - is that despite knowing what a great bloke he is, and having phoned him and having got a flat denial, the paper still ran the story as a page one splash.

Interestingly, Nolan manages to drop part of Walsh's statement of vindication. Sun readers are told this:

Irish multi-millionaire Louis, 58, said: "I have been informed that I am no longer under investigation. I have robustly maintained from the outset that this alleged incident did not occur.

"This has been a hugely distressing time for me but I would like to thank friends and colleagues for their support.

"I am now just looking forward to getting back to work."

Can you spot the difference with The Guardian report of his statement?

He added that he had instructed his libel lawyer to "vigorously pursue legal action" against the Sun.

"I have robustly maintained from the outset that this alleged incident did not occur. While I obviously welcome today's confirmation from the Garda that the matter has been dropped, I remain outraged that this story ran in the first place in the Sun and I have instructed my libel lawyer to vigorously pursue legal action against the paper," Walsh said.

"I have no intention of letting this matter rest until I have received total and absolute vindication. This has been a hugely distressing time for me but I would like to thank all my friends and colleagues for their support and I am now just looking forward to getting back to work."

So Gordon's flattery looks like a desperate attempt to try and head off Walshs' learned friends.

I'm not sure it's going to help - not just because the news of the dropping of allegations is reported way down Bizarre (after something about Megan Fox and a tale of Wayne Rooney going to the toilet) while the original story was splashed over the front page. More importantly, surely Gordon going into print this morning saying "I didn't believe the story for a moment, and Louis told me it wasn't true" makes the appearance of the allegations on the front page even worse, not better?

Gordon in the morning: Crimes and allegations

Curious - Bizarre does carry Richard White's story that Amy Winehouse was "pushed back" on stage in Belgrade when she tried to leave - complete with the official denial:

But he denied Zoe's claims that Amy was pushed on stage and said she voluntarily walked on with a friend.

Yes, it has the story, but you wouldn't know from looking at the front page of Bizarre, which instead makes space for the sentencing of Blake Fielder-Civil to prison.

Gordon is on hand to co-author the claims that Louis Walsh is being investigated over claims of a sexual assault. Walsh denies the claims, and it shan't detain us here, but it's worth reading the first paragraph of the report for a classic piece of Sun writing:

X FACTOR judge Louis Walsh is being probed by police over claims he indecently assaulted a young dad in a nightclub toilet.

"Young dad" is, of course, code for "normal, heterosexual male who has fathered children and so clearly wouldn't be in the toilet looking for that sort of thing, if that's what you're thinking".

Wonderland: Shh, don't say "anyone remember The Thunderbugs"

A piece in the Mail's You magazine yesterday "introduced" Wonderland:

Fresh faces, high hopes and an Airstream trailer… Jane Gordon hits the road with Louis Walsh’s latest protégées on a video shoot in the Californian desert – and is charmed by the girl band that everyone’s talking about

Actually, hardly anybody is talking about them - this is already a relaunch of the band who were first spotted (again, not by many) on some godawful ITV2 programme about Louis Walsh and Kian Egan.

There was, back then, an "open audition" which somehow, out of the thousands who took part, managed to turn up Kian Egan's wife as one of the final members - what are the odds, eh?

Now, there's a struggle to try and get the band to sell some records without an unwatched ITV2 programme to help:

Louis and Kian (who co-manage the girls) have taken time to develop their sound –the nearest comparison any of them can come up with is the American girl group the Dixie Chicks – and with a major investment from their record company Mercury (who signed them in April 2009 and report very high pre-sales for their debut album Wonderland) they are being hailed as the biggest and most talented act to emerge from Ireland since the Corrs.

Really? Has Ireland got such a terrible problem that 'an album just outside the Amazon Top 50' become the biggest thing since 1990?

A clumsily manufactured Irish band who, if you struggled, you might say were a bit like a poppy country act? This is just B*Witched, isn't it?

There's something quite nice about the idea of a "girl" band with some members closer to thirty than thirteen, and who shudder - at this stage - at the very idea of wearing PVC minidresses. Sadly, though, I suspect either the innocence will disappear, or the band will.

Boyzone: Louis Walsh finally comes round to our way of thinking

Louis Walsh has washed his hands of Boyzone and told them to split up, according to the News Of The World this morning. Digital Spy has paid to peek over Murdoch's paywall:

Low ticket sales for their latest tour and Ronan Keating's affair with a dancer were blamed for the move, the News of the World reports.

"Louis has told Boyzone they're finished. Ronan doesn't want to accept it but without Louis they have no chance," a source said. "The affair changed everything for many fans. It destroyed the family-friendly image that made the band popular.

"They kept a diehard fanbase but the 'Brother' tour earlier this year wasn't a big success. Louis didn't bother seeing a single show. [They] just couldn't compete with the Take That comeback and lots of tickets weren't sold. So Louis decided it was the right time for the band to finish."

You suspect that Keating's extra-curricular diddlings have nothing to do with the decision, but gave the News Of The World a chance to lob some sex into a story which otherwise would be "clapped-out old warhorse put out of its misery".

The downside is that Boyzone are choosing to plough on anyway. It's not like any of them have got proper jobs they could do instead, is it?

Walsh confuses hindsight, second sight

Talk about going out on a limb: Louis Walsh has revealed he's not sure Nadine Coyle has much chance of a solo career taking off:

"It's going to be very hard for her to cut it as a solo star," Walsh said. "She needs to get a really big record producer or manager behind her, or it doesn't matter if she's written the greatest songs on the planet because not enough people will be exposed to them."

After this, Walsh looked into middle distance. "You know who does have a good chance, though?" he continued. "That David Cameron. I reckon he might get to be Prime Minister one day. But..." - here he dropped his voice to a gravel whisper - "... I wouldn't put money on the Titanic ever arriving in New York. Just a feeling."

Is that a tear in your eye, Louis Walsh?

Like a man sobbing as he throws kittens down the well, Louis Walsh regrets having to let Shayne Ward go:

"I thought Shayne had the X factor," Walsh told the Daily Mail. "I thought he ticked every single box. He had the looks, the talent, the ability, the attitude and the ambition. I believed in him 100%.

"I gave blood, sweat and tears in working with him - I absolutely did. Then there was no record, it all dried up."

He continued: "There was nothing I could do at all. My hands were tied. I only wish him the best because I think he's a great guy. But I reluctantly had to let him go."

Yes, what could Louis do? He believed so wholeheartedly in Shayne, and yet there was no single. It's not like Louis was Ward's manager or anything, was it? He wasn't the man responsible for Ward's career and the person whose job it was to ensure the record got released, right?

Oh, really?

Still, Ward is still notionally signed to Syco, and has a new manager, Alan Edwards:

"I'm not surprised that Simon has not dropped Shayne because he really is a great singer," Edwards told the paper. "When he offered to play me some of his new tracks, he blew me away.

"I presumed it would be formulaic music, but it was very free feeling. I know Shayne's fans have missed him but music is art - it can't be rushed. I think that a bit of time between now and his last album could be an advantage - it puts a bit of distance between him and the show."

Brilliant - Shayne's now got a manager who believes he has the X Factor, and who is convinced that he has the talent to succeed. Again. What could go wrong? This time?

"We've checked, and apparently there is no exit which allows you to leave with dignity"

Even though nobody really likes Louis Walsh, you do have to wonder why someone didn't step in to tell him to not do this.

[With thanks to Michael M]

The ol-factor

I can just about see the thinking behind an X Factor perfume - the sweet smell of quickly fading success in a bottle.

What seems odd is producing a range themed around the judges. Yes, splashing Cheryl Cole and Minogue about might be attractive; maybe even Cowell might attract a certain sort of man.

But who would want to put themselves into this scenario:

- Darling?
- Yes, darling?
- Is there a funny smell in here?
- I don't... think...
- Like a desperate pantomime dame waving the wrong end of a shitty stick about in a bucket of sweat?
- Oh! I'm wearing Louis Walsh toilet water

X Factor: Louis Walsh squares it in his head

They're doing the X Factor again this year, you know. This year, the "isn't he brave" patronisation will be turned full-force on Scott James. Scott has Asperger's Syndrome, and hadn't left the house for seven years. The noise you can hear is Simon Cowell's sweaty palms rubbing together, over and over.

Louis Walsh has his concerns:

When Walsh was asked if someone like James could take the strain of appearing on The X Factor, he said: "I don't think they can, if I'm honest.

"People don't realise the pressure that these acts are under, especially when they're competing with everybody else backstage. It's a very difficult show to do, even as a judge.

"It's very gruelling, and it's 10 weeks of very intense performance. Everything you say and do is being watched. It's like Big Brother meets Jerry Springer. It's a massive reality check for some people."

Let us just pause for a moment to wipe away the tears all of us are weeping at the thought of how tough the X Factor is for the poor, poor judges, and instead listen to what Louis is saying: that the X Factor puts people under too much pressure; more pressure than they can cope with.

Surely, then, the programme shouldn't go ahead? Or at least, if Louis Walsh had the courage of his convictions, he'd have nothing to do with it?

Unless... Louis, can you come up with an ethical workaround that will allow you to carry on drawing the massive paycheques?

'Course he can:

However, Walsh denied it was unfair to allow James to appear. "Nobody forces anybody to go to an audition," he said. "I think it's a real-life story. Is he under too much pressure? I think it has to be his choice."

Except, Louis, this doesn't actually work as a justification, does it? "It's a real-life story" isn't a justification for putting it on the television (and how real is it, anyway?)

More seriously, if Walsh is using the standard Cowell/Morgan line of "nobody forces them to audition", how does that square with his own admission that "people don't realise the pressure that these acts are under"? If nobody - least of all the participants - understand the pressures contestants are under, how can turning up at audition be considered to be informed consent?

From the Archives: No Minstrel Show Fun, May 1889:
... Mister Louis Walsh, whose role is to prod the exhibit when Lord Simon of Cowell is collecting gratuities from the audience, explained most forcefully that there was no compulsion upon Merrick to appear. "Sir, had he not wished to be the focus of the public gaze, he had to do nothing more than not accept the gift of a comb. No force prevailed upon him to join our travelling show other than free will. And that sack."...

X Factor: Sunday Mirror reporting live from the fantasy dome

Nobody, surely, from the "band" themselves, through Louis Walsh, to the Sunday Mirror believes for a single second that Louis and Michael Jackson are going to meet "in Ireland" to discuss X Factor rootveg JLS supporting Jacko on a tour that doesn't really exist.

So why is the paper even bothering to run the tale? They might as well add in that some unicorns have had telephones installed inside their Atlantis hidey-hole to allow them to vote for JLS, or that Dannii Minogue's skin is the same one she was born with.

Louis told us: "It's fantastic news for JLS.

"I hear Michael had been looking around for some fresh young talent for a long time.

"If talks go well then going on tour with Michael would be an amazing opportunity for JLS."

Well, we've all heard that Michael enjoys scouting round for fresh young talent, but nothing was ever proven in court, Louis, so you'd better watch what you're saying.

Given that Jackson doesn't have a flat in Granadaland, the whole story might be in danger of collapsing, so a "source" is shuttled in to try and explain how Michael might even have been made of aware of the lets-call-them-a-band-shall-we?:

"Having a potential tour with Michael Jackson isn't going to take any pressure off - it has just motivated them to push on and win the competition.

"Michael has been an avid fan of the X Factor since the beginning.

"He loves musical themed reality shows and keeps up with it on the internet."

Really? But since ITV doesn't - indeed, mustn't - broadcast its stream internationally, you must be trying to claim he's looked them up on YouTube rather than hoping we'll believe he somehow watches the programme as its going out, right? You wouldn't want to stretch a palpably false story too thinly by conjuring up the image of Jacko switching on for Harry Hill's TV Burp and then staying put for the rest of the evening, would you? I mean, that would really be treating us with some contempt.

Oh:

"When JLS came on, he was immediately drawn to them because he said they reminded him of a young Jackson 5.

"They would be a perfect warm up act for the UK dates of his tour.

Of course, it's true they'd be perfect - they're a made-up band who don't really exist, and the tour is exactly the same. Perfect match.

Given that there isn't a tour for the band to not support him on, the 'source' suddenly gets quite cagey. Hey, nobody is saying this going to happen, you know:

"Michael can, and has changed his mind about touring for the last couple of years.

"But if he follows through with his word this time, JLS could be catapulted into the spotlight all over the world."

What 'word', exactly? He hasn't promised anything to anybody on this occasion. There's more than enough reasons to attack Jackson - breaking a non-existent promise to take a bunch of game-show gumballs on a non-existent tour isn't one of them.

Darkness at 3AM: Oh, god, here comes autumn

It was funny watching Tonight Without Trevor McDonald Anymore last night, wailing about how rude and ill-mannered everybody is these days, when the only programme anyone watches on ITV any more consists of Simon Cowell and that simpering balloon-head who used to edit the Mirror being paid millions to be rude to people.

And, while Britain's Got Talent has only just got underway, the other half of the never-ending Cowell story is already preparing in the wings, with Dannnii Minogue getting space in 3AM to stoke the choreographed "feuds" between her and the other judges:

Referring to her run-ins with the pair, she adds: "I just kept my mouth shut through all that. I found it somewhere between funny and disturbing.

"There were some moments when I felt like I was back at school. It was distressing but I'm prepared for it this year."

Like being back at school? Well, yes, if you used to be part of a very lightly talented amateur dramatics troupe in your class.

The 3AM Girls are a bit hard up for copy today: they've got a story about the Queens of Noize's rider for a TV promo event. The Queens Of Noize? Even their mums would have trouble placing them, surely? What next: Sean Keavney's holiday plans? So obscure, indeed, are the DJs that the Mirror manages to spell their name incorrectly.

Heather Mills on the wheels of steel

From somewhere, the News of the World has got hold of a rap track it claims Heather Mills made to raise awareness of the plight of disabled children "forced" to rely on the NHS. It's called Disability Rap, and while Heather clearly thinks its political, it actually turns out to be a really patronising insult to the staff in British hospitals:

"So you go to the NHS and they do their best with the limited budget they have. They make her limbs but she can't wear them — they're painful.

"And every step you watch her take is even more painful to you. So you thank them because it is the best they can do. Or is it? No Mr Minister, it's not. And you know it."

McCartney is supposed to have persuaded Heather to not release the track - on the grounds of, while it's the best she can do with a limited talent, nobody can bear it - it's painful.

The highlight of the NOTW's report, though, is this bit:

we spoke to someone who REALLY knows a hit from a stinker, music supremo Louis Walsh, and the X Factor judge was not impressed.

That's the only mention of Louis Walsh and his opinion - clearly, the man didn't want to get involved in the story at all.

You! Me! Um... Louis Walsh?

Quick, lock the doors: Louis Walsh likes Los Campesinos!:

"I love that song. There's a really good vibe about the band, there's an innocence that is very nice about them.

"I don't think the business has tarnished them yet, and I hope it doesn't. And it's great to see three girls and four boys together. Historically that doesn't happen much."

You might argue that being praised, in public, by Walsh, is all the tarnishing a career needs.

Goodness... Dannii really hates Louis. Apart from the 'really' bit

Having treated its audiences like cash-cow schmucks, ITV now seems content to really treat them like they're stupid: The latest in a long line of staged X Factor 'arguments' happened on Saturday when Louis Walsh read out a line that cued up a walkout from Dannii Minogue:

She failed to return following an ad break, leaving Sharon Osbourne to fill her absence by clambering on to Simon Cowell’s lap.

We're not quite sure what "absence" it is that The Sun is suggesting Osbourne was filling there, and we really don't want to picture it.

Spice against Life

We can hardly contain our excitement at the mounting prospect of a chart battle between the Spice Girls and Westlife.

Actually, that's not true, we've just found a small yoghurt pot which has more than enabled us to contain it.

We're assuming that Mel C has started tearing strips off Westlife that the party line at Camp Spice was supposed to be saying nothing in public:

"We've just sold out 17 nights at the O2 Centre... We've got nothing to prove!"

And referring to her longrunning spat with Louis, she added: "I think Louis secretly fancies me. In the playground if you fancy someone you just smack 'em. Whenever Louis gets the chance he slags me off!"

That's quite a brave thing to say, really, as it's impossible to formulate a sentence of that sort without imagining the other person's sex face looming down on yours in the smaller rooms at a Ramada Encore.

Let's not count the number of perfectly good Internet Rumours that a Mel C-Louios Walsh marriage would destroy.

Westlife seek a little Xtra help

James P alerts us to the surprising news of Westlife's new album, and the way they seem desperate to build their release schedule around the X Factor:

Westlife want to showcase their new album on a TV programme scheduled just before X Factor to help boost record sales.

The 'Flying Without Wings' boyband reportedly believe that by previewing new tracks around the popular ITV reality show they will be helped in achieving a hit with new single 'Home'.

A source told The Sun: "It will be a Saturday night type of show so it’d be great to run it before the semi-final or final of X Factor as the ratings have been so good."

Isn't it a bit rich for a supposedly successful band to be seeking a leg-up from the unknowns? Surely the last thing Cowell wants is for his shaky new act to be sharing the limelight with Walsh's creaky old barbershop outfit? Or was pushing Westlife part of the deal cut when Walsh agreed to take the faux-fall?

Baby blues: X Factor dump pregnant woman

Lovers of Victoriana will be delighted to hear that an almost entirely-preserved Victorian Attitude has been discovered in Simon Cowell's permafrost: X Factor tryout Katie Boothand has been kicked off the show because she was pregnant:

With Dannii Minogue the only one to say "no", the 24-year-old was stunned to learn she has got through to the next stage, but after she leaving the room, the panel had doubts.

Cowell said: "A part of me thinks we shouldn't have just done that because she's five and a half months pregnant. That should have been a 'no'. It doesn't feel right, I'm almost inclined to change my mind now."

Louis Walsh agreed, and Minogue says: "I've got nothing against pregnant women but you can't be singing on live TV and giving birth at the same time."

We love the "I've nothing against pregnant women but..." - it's not that Louis Walsh comes over all squeamish at the thought of vaginas and blood and babies and breathing, oh no. Not at all.

Isn't there, you know, some sort of rule about discriminating against women because they're pregnant?