Svenagliobit: Lou Pearlman

Here's a sentence that might bring you up short:

Figures from the pop music world have paid tribute to Lou Pearlman, the founder of Backstreet Boys and Nsync, who has died in prison aged 62 while serving a 25-year sentence for a $300m (£229m) fraud.

Yes, the death of Lou Pearlman, without whom we'd not have had Backstreet Boys on NSYNC, has got those who owe him everything trying to thank him while not upsetting those from whom he took everything.

The Nsync singer Lance Bass tweeted: “Word is that #LouPearlman has passed away. He might not have been a stand up businessman, but I wouldn’t be doing what I love today without his influence. RIP Lou.”

The US singer Aaron Carter also paid his respects on Twitter:

#LouPearlman my old manager died in prison... Rip Lou not the best business guy really at all but he did discover me karma is real

"Not the best business guy" is how you'd describe someone who tries to sell hamburgers at a vegan festival. Pearlman was a disgraceful con merchant - and even Bass' "not a stand-up business man" doesn't really come close to how huge his deception was:

According to the Florida Office of Financial Regulation, at the time of Pearlman’s investigation he owed his investors $96 million, but had less than $15,000 in the bank. The investigation found that Pearlman’s records neglected to show the more than $38 million he had withdrawn for himself and his companies.

You can see why Bass - one of the minority of people who shook Pearlman's hand and came away with the same number of fingers he started with - would be trying to look on the positive.

He ended up in such disgrace that when the Hollywood Review met with Pearlman in jail, you could hear Simon Cowell walking away backwards from a claim to kinship:

So yes, he is well aware of record-breaking pop juggernaut One Direction and boasts, "I know if I was out there, we'd give One Direction a run for their money." He reminisces about his "friendly rivalry" in the '90s with that band's puppeteer, Simon Cowell. (Responds a spokesperson for Cowell: "Simon hardly knows him. They were only ever introduced once, and there wasn't any kind of friendly rivalry.")

And that's before you even get to the rumours of sexual abuse, most deeply investigated by Vanity Fair in 2007:

In the November issue of Vanity Fair, Pearlman, for the first time publicly, is described by several former singers, aspiring singers and their parents as a lecher, who used the same deceptive charms to cop cheap feels off teenage boys as he did to allegedly bilk 1,400 investors out of more than $300 million.

Talking to The Hollywood Reporter from prison, Pearlman offered a watertight defence:

He adds that fellow inmates have come to know the real Pearlman through the years and never hassle him about the molestation charges: "They realize that none of that can be true."

'The guys on B Wing don't think I'm a nonce, so how could I be?'

The only trouble with this is that while he's saying he's not a sexual abuser, he also denies having run a ponzi scheme too. In fact, the only thing faster than Simon Cowell trying to distance himself from Pearlman is Pearlman trying to distance himself from the likes of Bernie Madoff. Pearlman insists that he was different because he had a way of making money to repay those he fleeced.

Which is puzzling, as a lot of people invested in a fleet of airplanes which turned out to exist solely as photos in a glossy booklet.

Lou Pearlman was 62. He'd been due to stay inside until 2029.

Gordon in the morning: Wanted - a different direction

The Wanted, who are very much the Spandaus to One Direction's Duran, are desperately trying to put a brave face on their position by insisting that the comparison - that comparison - is odious:

Max, who kicks off an Australian tour with his five-piece group today, said: “If you had to tick all the boxes of what’s a boyband, I don’t think we’d fit.

“We’re not the most attractive bunch that has ever been in the pop world. We don’t dance. But we can all play instruments, which is what is good about us. We don’t want to be the stereotypical boyband.”

Oh, yes, that's very true that. Here's a picture of the band onstage at T In The Park:

You'll notice they're playing all their own instruments, if you stretch the definition of the band to include all the people who have come on stage to play their instruments while they, er, dance at the front of the stage.

But very different from One Direction. Very different indeed. More like Busted, right?

Boybandobit: Rich Cronin

Rich Cronin, a member of late 90s short-lived boyband Lyte Funky Ones, has died at the cruelly young age of 35.

Cronin co-wrote LFO's 1999 hit Summer Girls, but the band struggled in a stalling and overcrowded market. They split in 2002; three years later, Rich was diagnosed with leukemia.

In one of many periods of remission from the leukemia, Cronin went on to appear in the Mission Man Band series of MTV alongside other struggling former boyband stars. Although not doing much for either music or television, the show did create some solid friendships - Chris Kirpatrick was one of the first to express sympathy after news of Cronin's death was announced.

He had launched a charity, the Rich Cronin Hope Foundation, to raise awareness and encourage bone marrow donations.

Perez Hilton and Simon Fuller come together to create something

Perez Hilton is trumpeting all over his website about big news. Sadly, this isn't that he's about the merge with Whizzer And Chips:

PEREZ HILTON AND RENOWNED DIRECTOR JAMIE KING JOIN FORCES WITH AMERICAN IDOL CREATOR AND SPICE GIRLS FOUNDER
SIMON FULLER TO ASSEMBLE:

The Boy Band for the Next Generation!

The next generation - we can see them from here - is looking a bit confused and saying that they hadn't really asked for a boyband, thanks, while this generation is saying that perhaps, if the next generation did want a boyband, couldn't they knock one up themselves, as it's not that difficult. It's like having a contest for the cheese sandwich for your flatmate.

Anyway, Hilton pads his part extensively:

As entertainment power players with tremendous influence over today’s music marketplace, Hilton, King and Fuller are determined to form the next great Boy Band!

I know modesty isn't Hilton's strong suit, but fancy writing a piece of puff about yourself that auto-felating. Even an Apprentice contestant might think that was overdoing it a bit.

Says Perez, "I am beyond thrilled and honored to be working with Jamie King and Simon Fuller, both legends. We are looking for the best, brightest and boldest! This is a boy band unlike any other before. ALL of the members will sing. ALL of the members will dance. Finding our talented group won't be easy, but the end result is going to be soooooooo worth it. I can hear the screaming girls already!"

A boyband like none other before, on the grounds that they'll all sing and dance. We're looking forward to the launch of Hilton's range of socks unlike any socks ever before, where both socks will be worn on the feet.

By the way, "I can hear the screaming girls already" is a direct translation of the phrase "how hard can it be to separate an eight year old from her dollar bills?"

Jamie King, he's involved, too:

"Now is the moment for the creation of a full-throttle, high-octane boy band! There's a huge opportunity for the next generation of performers to create spectacle, both musically and physically, with kick-ass dance moves, amazing voices and mind-blowing concert skills," says King.

How did King decide "now is the moment"? In the past, he would have had to sacrifice Jason Orange and inspect his entrails to tell if the time was auspicious, but nowadays they can do it with computers. Simply plug in the date you'd expect your main singer to check into drug rehab, and the software works out the back trajectory to the point where you'd have to start hanging round gyms.

Simon Fuller says, “I’m delighted to be working with Jamie and Perez. Boy bands have always been at the heart of pop culture with huge potential to excite a massive audience both here in the States and the rest of the world. With Jamie and Perez at the helm we have a real focus on what we are looking for. Together we will do everything to ensure that whoever is discovered becomes one of the most successful groups in recent years.”

Boy bands have always been at the heart of pop culture. If you assume that there was no popular culture prior to New Edition. Or The Monkees, at a stretch.

Fuller's quote seems honest, if puzzling. The other two are honking away about how they're looking for people who have all these astonishing talents - dancing asses, voices, the ability to carve likenesses of Michael Jackson out of butter - but, really, Fuller admits the success or otherwise depends not on how pretty the band is, or how well it sings. They're running a competition to find some flesh to push into an already-constructed marketing plan.

The plates are warming, the table laid, the ketchup and pickled eggs are already open. There's going to be a fish supper - who really cares if it turns out to be a piece of coley or a bit of haddock that gets picked up from the chip shop? It's only going to be battered, consumed and then shat out the next day.

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet - Boybands

Jude Rogers talks to five singing hatstands from various boybands, including one of East 17, The Jonas Brothers. Oh, and Simon Webbe:

I don't think an all-black boyband like JLS would have been signed in the days when we were starting out. The X Factor's great in that way: it shows the record companies what people really want – especially as most labels are run by old guys who have no idea what's going on in clubs or on the streets.

Send for Duncan-man

You have to wonder what sort of a fight it is that can be broken up by the intervention of Duncan James, don't you?

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