Hold the Daily Mail front page: Kelly Clarkson causes cancer

Kelly Clarkson isn't normally incendiary, but she's managed to generate to fug of outrage as she brings the great news about fags to young people:

US pop singer Kelly Clarkson has been criticised for allowing an upcoming gig in Jakarta, Indonesia to be sponsored by a local cigarette brand.

Promotional materials for the concert on 29 April have a logo for LA Lights featured prominently.

I know for a fact, instead of dry ice, she was going to rely on dozens of small children puffing away at the side of the stage.

Imagine - a major public figure flogging cigarettes to poor people in poorer countries and thinking they could get away with it.

Kelly Clarkson: Great news for lesbians

Kelly Clarkson has ruled out being a lesbian, even although, you know, she's constantly being propositioned by gay women:

Clarkson, the first and one of the most successful winners of TV talent show "American Idol", told AOL's pop culture news site, PopEater.com, that she was accustomed to being asked if she was secretly gay.

"Lesbians tell it to me all the time. I'm like, 'I'm glad it works for you and I wish I liked women like that because often times men are very hard for me, but I happen to like boys.'

"I could never be a lesbian. I would never want to date (someone like) myself, ever. I'm a crazy person. I need some kind of stable, quiet man," Clarkson, 26, said.

Yes, yes, she did just say "men are very hard for me" - could we all please settle down in the back row, please? Let's not pick apart Clarkson's "oh, how I wish I could be gay" statement - it would take a week and a half to even try to explore the suggestion that all women are like her, and that there are, apparently, no stable, quiet lesbians. Let's just be pleased that Kelly is able to bask in the glow of being an unobtainable figure of desire for the every gay woman.

Kelly Clarkson: What if you leaked an album and nobody heard?

Kelly Clarkson is really upset that tracks from her new album have found their way onto the internet - somehow, oh, who can know who?

In fact, she's been talking about how sucky it is:

"The fact that people have heard music that's not ready yet sucks, but I hope they like it."

It must suck, and it's in no way a carefully orchestrated release of work-in-progress in an attempt to try and stop people talking about, you know, the whole last album.

Kelly Clarkson: In reduced circumstances

Kelly Clarkson has finally got round to reorganising those tour dates she pulled when foolishly exploring artistic freedom earlier in the year; the venues are much, much smaller.

Kelly Clarkson abandons 'artistic integrity' for 'cosy life'

After having a taste of the life beyond the confines of top 40 pop, Kelly Clarkson has followed up her grovelling retraction of anything bad she might have said about Clive Davis with a promise to record whatever he sees fit. Which will be formula-fixed, tightly-targeted top 40 pop, of course. It'll be ready next year.

Now that her heart isn't in it, though, you might wonder what the point of it all is.

Kelly Clarkson recants

Perhaps it must have been mouth herpes, but something made dumper-edge-dweller Kelly Clarkson suddenly feel the urge to clarify (i.e. withdraw completely and pretend she meant the opposite) remarks she made about label head (i.e. her boss) Clive Davis:

"I want to set the record straight on this by saying that I want my band, my advisors [sic], those close to me and my record label to be one big, tightly knit family. Like any family we will disagree and argue sometimes but, in the end, it's respect and admiration that will keep us together."

"Contrary to recent characterizations in the press, I'm well aware that Clive is one of the great record men of all time."

Respect and admiration will keep you together. And, of course, the creeping realisation that it's merely the support of the record label which is keeping you aloft.

Kelly Clarkson fears cold sores

Don't go expecting to get a snog and a feel-up from Kelly Clarkson. She doesn't do that:

"I just don't make out with people. That's a waste of my kisses and time.

"And it's so personal - it's, like, my face. I'm afraid of mouth herpes."

Leaving aside the mouth herpes bit - which sounds like someone who's been a victim of an over-enthusiastic personal skills teacher - surely it being your face, and close-up, is the whole point of making-out? It really is one of those jobs you can't palm off onto your personal assitant.

And "a waste of my kisses"? She has a limited supply?

The crushing shame is that Clarkson turns out to be so goal-oriented that, much as she clearly makes music to shift units and not express her personality, she doesn't see that sometimes just kissing with people - even people you might not be intending to spend the rest of your life with - can be fun in its own right.

Clarkson cancels due to lack of interest

It seems like Kelly Clarkson might have acted a little too soon sacking her management - she needs every fan she can get. Her US tour has just been canned as nobody really wanted to go. There's a statement:

"I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to getting out there to perform for y'all... It really is disappointing for me to have to tell you that I won't be coming out to tour this summer.

The fact is that touring is just too much too soon. But I promise you that we're going to get back out there as soon as is humanly possible to give you a show that will be even better."

LiveNation, the promoters, have been a little bit more honest:

"Ticket sales have not been what we anticipated and we came to the realisation that we had bit off more than we could chew.

"In the end, we are in the Kelly Clarkson business and for that reason we believe that this decision will only benefit her and her fans in the long run."

Yes. Nobody wants to be stood in a nearly-empty room watching the death throes of a career, do they?

Clarkson's album woes continue

Kelly Clarkson's difficult bringing to market of her next album hits another bump, as Clarkson fires her manager, Jeff Kwatinetz. US Magazine has buttonholed an insider:

"It happened last night. They disagreed over the songs and the direction. Everyone is surprised," says the source, who adds that Clarkson has not yet decided on a new manager. Another source adds, "Kelly had enough."

The problem seems to stem from Clarkson's belief that the album she's recorded, is great, and everyone else's belief that it's not up to standard. Clarkson fumes:

“I’ve sold more than 15 million records worldwide, and still nobody listens to what I have to say. Because I’m 25 and a woman.”

Which is fair point, although the people who aren't listening to her have been the ones who've shaped her career from a win on a TV game show to selling fifteen million records worldwide, so it's possible that it's less her 25 year oldishness and womanlynisms that make them think they know better than her, and more that they've shaped her to fit a market and don't expect the cookiedough to suddenly start suggesting the shape the cutter should be.

Oh dear, what can the matter be...

Kelly Clarkson was so far from keen on meeting her fans - and who can blame her - she locked herself in the toilets. Still, she's got a song out of it:

"It was literally the lowest point I've had in my life... I was just so burned-out.

"I was really struggling at getting somebody out of my life and finding people that really cared.

"The whole song is a prayer. I wrote it in a bathroom of the venue after the show... It was just a really, really bad night."

It explains the chorus, which is someone yelling 'You gonna be in there all night/some of us gotta pee/what, you got the runs?/how long's it take a girl to pee?'

Kelly Clarkson: the last desperate hours

Trouble is clearly brewing for Kelly Clarkson, winner of the Gong Show a few years back. There's already been leaks suggesting her label made her head back to the studio to re-record her next album; now, it looks like Clarkson has started taking her problems with her bosses out public, wailing they asked her to cover a song previously recorded by Lindsay Lohan for the collection:

"While Lindsay sings the song well, it's been on an album. I don't care what pop star it is."

Let's all keep our eyes open to ensure that Kelly never does any cover versions ever again - regardless of who the original artist may or may not have been.

Clarkson told to start over?

We're not entirely sure how you could tell a bad Kelly Clarkson record from a good one, which, presumably, is why Sony-BMG haven't been on the phone offering us work. But the Daily Star says Clive Davis reckons he can tell, and has told his singer the album she's delivered isn't good enough:

A source at the record company tells the paper, "It was an extraordinary presentation. Clive was absolutely merciless in his criticism of Kelly.

"She's one of the biggest priorities on the label and her new songs were savaged."

Were I shareholder in Sony-BMG, I might be worrying a little less about Clarkson's performance, and more about Davis: should a major label be investing so much hope in so slender an talent? And if she is so crucial to the future of the label, shouldn't someone in management be keeping a closer eye, rather than waiting until the head guy gets to hear the tracks, to avoid this sort of thing happening?

+/- adds to money/reduces reputation

Chris Deane, who you and your family will know as drummer with +/-, has got himself a whole new gig. In a whole new world. Drumming for Kelly Clarkson.

In a world where the bottom benchmark is set by the Robert Smith/Ashlee Simpson pairing, this isn't the worst decison we can think of.

Deaner is going to carry on with +/- duties in between sitting on a small stall, determining the rhythm while watching Kelly Clarkson from behind.