The Arctic Monkeys: let's have a quick unwrap

So here's the new Arctic Monkeys video:

Clearly, there's a tongue in a cheek here, right?

Mr Discopop points out that some people might have missed that:

"More gratuitous, self-aggrandizing tripe from the ego of the century," grumps, arrloid, who is not alone in feeling Alex's ego has run rampant like a feral donkey.

"His confidence is sexy but this is a bit much," writes Anna Farid. "The only thing bigger than his ego," concludes FSAfykm, "is his nose".

Mr D shakes his head:

The clip, for Snap Out Of It, pokes fun at Alex Turner's "sexpot" image, with actress Stephanie Sigman (that's her above) in floods of tears, smooching pictures of Alex on her TV and hungrily devouring a steak.

Over on YouTube, though, everyone has missed the point spectacularly.

And he's right.

Up to a point.

Because this is a wonderful cake-eat, cake-keep moment. Yes, there's a terrific sending up of the sexyliciousness of Alex Turner, but at the same time, the very act of sending up the idea is a reminder of that status. And there are less self-satisfied ways of lampooning your sexysexysexy credentials than hiring Stephanie Sigman to prance about in her bra.

It's all a bit 'ooh, fancy that people think little old me is sexy', innit?

What the pop papers say: Turner over, it's done

For the last few weeks I've been telling people that the NME had turned a corner, and that it was packing something of a punch in a way that it hadn't for years.

And then it does this.

Genuinely, despite having watched the Brits and liveblogged them, I had no idea what speech they were talking about. After all, the speech that actually did create a minor stir was Kate Moss-as-David Bowie mutter about Scottish independence; if anyone did mention Turner after the event was over it was 'what the hell was he babbling about' and by the following morning even that had been forgotten. To claim that people are still talking about it a week later is a bit of a stretch.

And the cover itself?

Oh, my.

But the Neneh Cherry piece inside? That's worth reading. To be fair, you probably wouldn't want to have put Cherry on the front page, either, but at least you'd be showcasing what's great about the magazine at the moment.

Gordon in the morning: Ringers

Alex and Matt from the Arctic Monkeys gave an interview in the US where they talked about doing an Oasis song at a school assembly - Gordon has taken this as "dressing up as Oasis" and created one of his fabulous Photoshop mock-ups (actually, this is probably one of the better ones).

He allows this eye-catching claim, though, to pass without comment:

[Alex] explained: “With Oasis, it’s just that attitude — it’s resistant against everything else that’s going on in music.

Oasis? "Resistant against everything else that's going on in music"? I must have been hiding from Ocean Colour Scene on the day that happened.

Gordon in the morning: First discs

Lucky for Gordon, his copy of Q has turned up, giving him the chance to "report" on its contents. To mark 25 years of the magazine, they've asked people about their first single. Alex Turner attempted to make some sort of point:

"I think it was a cassette single and if it wasn't Let's Get Ready To Rhumble it might have been Edwyn Collins' A Girl Like You.

"The new generation have got it easy now. You'll ask some kid and because of downloading it will be Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures.

"I'd like to be able to say that but it probably was Let's Get Ready To Rhumble. Actually, it might have been Zig and Zag... "

It's an interesting reaction - in fact, you might ask with downloading and streaming, will Q be able to ask the same question in 25 years time in any meaningful way - but Gordon can't get past PJ And Duncan:

NEXT time Arctic Monkeys are asked to do a cover, they should go for one of the first songs frontman Alex Turner ever bought –

Alex confessed the song that saw Geordies Ant & Dec "wreck the mic" was an early feature in his music collection.

There's even a clunking headline:

Alex Turner, are you Geordie sure?

To which the answer is, er, no: clearly he's saying he isn't sure what his first single was, if you mean 'are you sure this was your first single'; or, yes, he's sure he bought it, if you meant that.

But then, writing a scoffing article about how embarrassing an early single purchase was when the subject was trying to illustrate that very idea seems confused enough without the headline.

Elsewhere, Gordon takes one for the team, writing a piece plugging his bosses' Sky Living Steps Reunion series:

STEPS have revealed one of the reasons for their bitter split ten years ago — BRITNEY SPEARS.

The band's Ian "H" Watkins hit it off with the singer when they supported her Baby One More Time tour in the US during 1999.

He began flying to venues in the star's private jet while his bandmates slummed it on a bus.

That doesn't really sound like Britney Spears was the "reason" for the split, but to be fair, if Gordon didn't stick Spears into the headline, the story would probably have got as many readers as the Steps series will have viewers.

Gordon in the morning: The guy won't go far

Having endured the slow march to the Madonna/last husband divorce, we're now being invited to be witnesses to the "actually, we've been better friends than ever" stage. Gordon gives space to Virginia Wheeler to explain that Ritchie is buying a house near Madonna's:

MADONNA’S ex GUY RITCHIE has bought a home 200 YARDS from her London mansion.

Movie maker Guy paid millions for the four-storey house to be near his sons when Madge brings them to Britain.

Well... yes. To be near the kids. For the children. Is that really unusual?

The friend revealed the singer had even laughed when Guy made a crack about her new Brazilian toyboy JESUS LUZ, 22, speaking little English.

Guy said: “Blimey, no wonder the whole thing works so perfectly.”

Although an inability to string a sentence together in decent English didn't help you, did it, Guy?

Gordon, meanwhile, is running more pictures of the Girls Aloud tour - presumably, unless hemlines drop, he's going to do this every day until they're back home. But there is a news angle, as Sarah Harding (that's "Girls Aloud Stunner Sarah Harding" to you) has worries:

She added: “Our pyrotechnics are great. I’m worried, though.

“I wear a wig for a lot of the show and if one of those sparks go astray I could go up like a Christmas tree.”

Go up like a Christmas tree? Does Sarah Harding set fire to her tree every Christmas? Has she got the tree and the pudding fatally confused?

And Gordon has rumours of discontent amongst the Arctic Monkeys. The rest of them:

WHEN ALEX TURNER told his ARCTIC MONKEYS mates he was moving to London to live with girlfriend ALEXA CHUNG, there were serious rumblings of discontent.

Because when the frontman left Sheffield behind last October, the rest of the lads — JAMIE COOK, MATT HELDERS and NICK O’MALLEY — stayed in Yorkshire.

Things are going to get worse, he warns:

Now the distance between the boys is set to grow even larger — as Alex is following his TV presenter missus across the Pond as she tries to forge a US career.

Blimey. Still, when they come back in the middle of June, I'm sure everything will be forgotten, right?

Maybe I'm being unfair - it's not like every pretty autocue wrangler who turns up in the US gets repelled within weeks. After all, Julie Brown managed to make the massive leap from TV-AM to MTV, and since then... well... there was Anne Robinson. And Craig Ferguson. And... look, I'm sure Alexa has got plans and isn't just turning up on spec.

Gordon, certainly, thinks that Alex Turner moving to the States is just about as serious as it gets. Oh, yes:

Rock ’n’ roll folklore is full of cautionary tales of love affairs tearing bands apart.

The most famous case was when JOHN LENNON shacked up with YOKO ONO.

THE BEATLES didn’t last long after that and many people blamed their relationship for the split.

Hear that, Arctic Monkey fans? Gordon thinks you should start a pre-emptive misogynistic hate campaign...

Gordon in the morning: Smart on smart

They teach you at journalism school - lesson one - that dog bites man is not a story while man gets a little older, buys a jacket to keep warm? That's news, isn't it, Gordon?

WHEN ARCTIC MONKEY ALEX TURNER met TV presenter ALEXA CHUNG last summer he looked a typical Fred Perry-sporting Sheffield lad.

Now it’s like he has taken on board all the advice from Gok’s Fashion Fix, the Channel 4 show she works on.

In a double-breasted grey jacket and striped shirt, he appeared more country gent than boy-next-door yesterday as the pair arrived at Heathrow from LA.

Actually, Gordon, he looks like an indie kid who has decided to wear something appropriate for the weather. But still, you wouldn't have embarked on this piece unless you had a rounding insight with which to conclude the piece, would you? Otherwise you've just published a fairly rubbish shot of a bloke because he looks like he's decided its too cold to go out without a jacket of some sort. Share you insight with us, Gordon.

He’s...

Yes?

He’s certainly come a long way.

Oh.

Alex Turner, we salute you

Can you still nominate people for OBEs and so on? Only, surely, Alex Turner deserves one for his brave attempts to save us all from the Kooks. Luke Pritchard reveals all:

"We've had a weird relationship with the Arctics since we first met. I had to kick Alex in the face because he was trying to pull the leads out of my guitar pedals while we were on stage."

Next time, we're sending Alex Turner out with wirecutters.

Mojo Awards: They like their Duffy

The annual Mojo awards, which they call the Mojo Honours (slogan: 'Every bit as important as the Q Awards') have issued their shortlist for 2008. It's come out now so you can manage your expectations down.

The nominations in full:

Breakthrough Act
1 Duffy
2 Foals
3 Pete Molinari
4 The Last Shadow Puppets
5 Bon Iver

Best Album
1 Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!! (Mute)
2 Arctic Monkeys – Favourite Worst Nightmare (Domino)
3 Radiohead – In Rainbows (XL)
4 Duffy – Rockferry (A&M/Rough Trade)
5 Robert Plant & Alison Krauss – Raising Sand (Decca/Rounder)

Compilation Of The Year
1 Theme Time Radio Hour With Your Host Bob Dylan (Ace)
2 The Very Best Of Ethiopiques: Hypnotic Grooves From The Legendary Series (Buda/Manteca)
3 Cries From The Midnight Circus: The Ladbroke Grove Scene 1968-1971 (Sanctuary/Universal)
4 From The Motion Picture Control (Warners)
5 Juno OST (Warners)

Song Of the Year
1 LCD Soundsystem – All My Friends (DFA/EMI)
2 Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!! (Mute)
3 The Last Shadow Puppets – The Age Of The Understatement (Domino)
4 Richard Hawley – Tonight The Streets Are Ours (Mute)
5 Duffy – Mercy (A&M/Rough Trade)

Best Live Act
1 Arctic Monkeys
2 Rufus Wainwright
3 Seasick Steve
4 Led Zeppelin
5 Neil Young

Actually, it's easy to mock the Mojos (go on, have a go) and, yes, of course it's got Alex Turner running through it like a rust-stain on a public lavatory wall, but at least there are a couple of names on the shortlist which mark it out as having a slightly different intent to the others. We love the idea that Bon Iver is an act which has, in some way, broken through something in the last twelve months.

Of course, they'll wind up sharing out the prizes between Turner and Duffy and, thus, turn themselves back into a simulacrum of every other awards ceremony. But at least they've tried.

Darkness at 3AM: 3ANME

Perhaps Gordon was too busy honing his Pete Doherty thunk-piece, as he seems to missed a lot of the detail his rivals at 3AM have picked up - he mentions Alexa Chung being sick, but the Mirror spotted her hurling over Alex Turner; and while Gordon tells us what he thinks about Doherty's prize, the 3AMies report that some of the crowd booed as he was getting his prize, and that The Enemy weren't happy with his win:

The Enemy's Tom Clarke was unimpressed, telling us: "Doherty doesn't deserve to win anything. He isn't in the music industry any more, he's in the drugs trade."

Which is both pithier than Smart's tirade, and from a more wounding quarter.

Alex Turner: Rock and roll - or MOR

Naturally, the Sky Showbiz team are excited by the story of Alex Turner gatecrashing a party. 'What a rock and roll bad boy he is', they trill, for all the world like residents of a cyberCranford.

But is it really so iconoclastic to gatecrash Sharleen Spiteri's 40th birthday bash? Isn't that a bit like stealing cash from your gran's electricity money jar - neither very difficult, nor especially anything to be proud of.

Alex and Alexa: It'll all end in tears

The slightly unlikely pairing of Alex Turner and Alexa Chung have been goofing around in Foyles. 3AM is on the case:

The Mardy Bum singer was seen acting out scenes from Romeo And Juliet with the TV presenter in a bookshop. A fellow shopper at Foyles in London said: "They were lying on the floor having such a laugh, acting out scenes, passing the book back and forward. It was so sweet."

Ah, yes. Very sweet. Unless they were doing the ending, of course.

The road to Glossop

Alex Turner can't stand Sit Down by James:

"I can't listen to Sit Down, it makes me feel sick. That's not because it's a bad song, it's just bad memories. It reminds me of things I don't want to remember. Nothing bad, just a long journey to Glossop. I can't even listen to it now."

A trip to Glossop? Most of us, Alex, have to struggle with memories of rooms full of drunken students attempting to sit down on the dancefloor - and then failing to get up, like a hooded-topped Its A Knockout - when we hear that song. Don't try and tell us you've got problems, pal.

Arctic Monkeys plan to live forever; learn how to fly

This morning, for reasons that we can't begin to unravel, Victoria Newton has invested effort "proving" that the Arctic Monkeys and Alex have changed:

[He] has always made a point of shunning the showbiz spotlight and acting like he is not affected by the fame game.

But [...] maybe it is going to the cheeky monkey’s head.

How so, Victoria? She points to two previous events:

The band have become increasingly obsessed with fancy dress and recently wore clown costumes for a performance on JONATHAN ROSS’s BBC1 chat show.

And earlier this year they wore Wizard Of Oz outfits to record their Brit Awards acceptance message — having shunned that ceremony, despite winning the two top gongs.

Now, most people - even those not keen on the Monkeys - would interpret turning up to play a song on Ross' show dressed as a clown or accepting the Brits dressed as friends of Dorothy as being a shrug at the institution rather than an embrace of fame's tender caress.

Besides, this is all somewhat old, so does Newton have some new "evidence" for this change in attitude:

“He has set up an email account in the name Aleks and now signs off with it. It’s the sort of quirky and rather puzzling thing that he does. I hope it doesn’t go too far. He’ll start replacing his name with a picture of a monkey next.”

Victoria then Googles Aleks to fill up some space ("provide some background"):

I’d love to know what Aleks’s inspiration is for his new name.
“Aleks” is an artificial intelligence system designed in the US for testing students and there’s also an obscure Mexican singer/songwriter called Aleks Syntek.

Yes... or maybe it's just a phonetic spelling like when Ashleys turn themselves into Ashlees. Because it would be a bit of a strange coincidence if Mr. Turner happened to have been so inspired by an American educational tool he decided to change his name in its honour, and it just happened to sound the same.

Newton - afraid she might have gone so far, and aware the bottom of the page is still some way off - then adds in the sort of empty flattery that Basil Fawlty would reserve for minor royals:

Alex is one of the most gifted songwriters of his generation so we’ll let him off — the Arktiks’ latest single, Fluorescent Adolescent, is an example of his greatness.

"is an example of his greatness" is such a clunking phrase it deserves to be put in some sort of museum, or at least used in journalism training courses as a warning from history.

It's not nice to taunt the 3AM Girls, Alex

It's all fun and games making things up and enjoying seeing the 3AM Girls write them down, but now everyone is going to be awaiting the Arctic Monkey/Klaxon/Lily Allen/Dizee Rascal supergroup Alex Turner has promised:

Alex told us backstage at Glastonbury: "It's definitely happening. We're recording an album. It will be out before you know it."

Alex worked with Dizzee on his fab album Maths And English. And Dizzee teamed up with Lily on his hit Wannabe. The three roped in James [Righton] during a fancy-dress do in the VIP bar.

An insider tells us: "Their fans won't know what's hit them."

You have to love that "insider" comment - it's only one step away from an insider said "with eight legs between them, that's forty toes." An insider inside what? A non-existent record? Did they have to phone up a studio that hasn't been built and keep asking to speak to someone who hasn't been employed yet?

Winehouse: I've an Ivor

The Ivors, described by BBC News as "considered among the most prestigious awards in British music" - right up there with the Little Rissington Battle of the Bands and the TV Hits Readers Poll - have given out their prizes.

The winners, as ever, in full, then:

BEST SONG MUSICALLY & LYRICALLY

Elusive

Writer: Scott Matthews

Performed By: Scott Matthews

UK Publisher: Universal Music Publishing


BEST CONTEMPORARY SONG


Rehab

Writer: Amy Winehouse

Performed By: Amy Winehouse

UK Publisher: EMI Music Publishing



BEST ORIGINAL FILM SCORE

Ice Age The Meltdown

Composer: John Powell

UK Publisher: EMI Music Publishing



BEST TELEVISION SOUNDTRACK

Broadcast: The Virgin Queen

Composer: Martin Phipps

UK Publisher: BDi Music Limited




PRS MOST PERFORMED WORK

I Don’t Feel Like Dancin'

Writers: Sir Elton John / Scott Hoffman / Jason Sellards

Performed By: Scissor Sisters

UK Publisher: HST Management Ltd / Universal Music Publishing / EMI Music Publishing



INTERNATIONAL HIT OF THE YEAR

Sorry

Writers: Madonna / Stuart Price

Performed By: Madonna

UK Publisher: Warner Chappell Music


BEST SELLING UK SINGLE

A Moment Like This

Writer/s: John Reid / Jorgen Eloffson

Performed By: Leona Lewis

UK Publisher: BMG Music Publishing Ltd / Sony/ATV Music



ALBUM AWARD: Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

OUTSTANDING SONG COLLECTION: Yusuf Islam

THE IVORS CLASSICAL MUSIC AWARD: John Rutter

PRS OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO BRITISH MUSIC: Norman Cook

SONGWRITER(S) OF THE YEAR: The Feeling

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT: Peter Gabriel

THE SPECIAL INTERNATIONAL AWARD: Quincy Jones

THE ACADEMY FELLOWSHIP: George Fenton

Nice to see George Fenton - who combined his soundtrack work with a spell as Martin Gimbell in Emmerdale Farm - get an award; and it's slightly surprising to see Scott Matthews, who we'd assumed was there purely in a making-up-the-numbers capacity take "best song musically and lyrically". Winehouse cut short her not-actually-a-honeymoon to pick up her award for the "not actually any good musically or lyrically, presumably" contemporary song, while Jake Shears thanked Elton for his help:

"This is really special. I want to give a big shout out and thank you to Elton.

"About 18 months ago, I was so depressed and Elton was doing nothing short of tap dancing and pulling my eyeballs out to make me feel better. Elton came into the studio and we wrote the song.

"This is a great day to feel not just like a colleague of Elton's but to call him a friend too."

We're not entirely sure how having your eyeballs pulled would make you feel better - although if Elton John was tap-dancing in front of us it might seem a better option.

Meanwhile, Elton John seems to be lining up Alex Turner's eyeballs next:

"Alex, I'm off to Sheffield in the helicopter right after if you fancy a lift."

Dan Gillespie of The Feeling seemed relaxed picking up a prize amongst such august company:

"I normally get very embarrassed by awards ceremonies because you don't go into music to be in competition with people.

"The Ivors are a bit different because there is more of a sense of fellowship, like a weird club. And that's right up my street."

The tragedy of the evening? Poor Amy spent it dry:

"Thank you all very much, I didn't even have time to get drunk, I've only been here about 15 minutes."

Perhaps her handlers have finally got a technique.

Monkeys shop themselves

When he bumped into a fan while out shopping in Sheffield, Arctic Monkey Alex Turner whipped out his laptop and played a forthcoming b-side. We hope it was a fan, anyway.

Whoever he was, Ian Theasby was impressed:

Ian Theasby told NME.COM the track "could be one one of the most classic B-sides for the greatest hits in 10 years time".

As good as one of the better tracks on a contractual-fulfilment album, eh? Can't wait.