Blur might not have a future

This may have been shocking news if it had come in 2001, but in 2014 it's not quite so jaw-dropping: Alex James doesn't know if Blur has a future:

He shared: ''To tell you anything other than 'I don't know' would be completely misleading.

''Getting back with the guys has been emotional each time because fundamentally we all really get on and there were never any major problems between us. I love them all like brothers. But our lives have moved on. We're all busy. That's the great thing, we all found new things to do. So to do it as and when works for us.''

It's not entirely clear what Alex James is busy doing, although it's possible that playing go-karts with Jeremy Clarkson eats into the day.

James was talking to Hello, by the way. Hello.

Gordon in the morning: Ellie of a job, Smarty

This morning, Gordon meets Ellie Goulding, who seems to be on a press to try and make herself seem a bit more interesting. We're now getting, it seems, her struggle:

The odds were stacked against her making it in the cut-throat music industry after a tough upbringing.

Why would having a "tough" upbringing "stack the odds" against making it in a "cut-throat" industry? Wouldn't coming from a tough background toughen you up for a tough job?

It turns out, though, that while not idyllic, Goulding's childhood wasn't especially unusual:

Her dad walked out when she was just five, leaving her mum to bring up four children.

Ellie hated the man who became her stepdad and witnessed some traumatic scenes growing up, including visits from bailiffs who repossessed the TV as she sat watching it with her brother and sisters.

Not fun, but not out of the ordinary for a lot of people.

And the stepdad?

"We didn't have much money and my stepdad was horrible. He wasn't strict and he wasn't drunk, he just wasn't very intelligent.

"He had no brains at all. He was a lorry driver with a tattoo of a bulldog smoking a spliff. The other tattoo he had was a snake with a dagger through it."

I'm surprised at this point none of the senior Sun staff came through waving their arms, given that Goulding is describing the paper's hardcore demographic.

It might not have been much fun, but living in a council house and sharing a room with your sister isn't really going to get her past the first round in a Four Yorkshiremen debate.

Unhappy, yes, but...

"I think a lot of people would be closed about such a weird childhood"

'We didn't have much money and I didn't like my stepdad' isn't weird, though, is it? You wouldn't wish for such an upbringing, but I think you'll find there's thousands and thousands of kids who are a lot worse off.

Ellie, do you have anything that bad which happened to you?

She is dating Radio 1 DJ GREG JAMES

You poor, poor thing. Quick, WH Smiths, clear a corner of the Tragic Life Stories shelves.

Elsewhere in The Sun, their battle against Southampton continues:

TODAY we are printing the most one-sided match report in the history of The Sun.

That sounds unlikely, given the England coverage, but do carry on.

While applauding Plymouth's amazing victory we are deliberately ignoring one of the hottest title favourites in history.

All this is down to Southampton's draconian executive chairman Nicola Cortese. His totally crazy decision to ban national and local newspaper photographers from the game will hurt his club more than he thinks.

This senseless move will not make him extra money but it will turn the fans and, more importantly, sponsors away from the club.

Southampton have banned agency photographers from their ground, insisting that all photos be sourced via the club. The worry is that the football team might then start adding all sort of strings to the photos - trying to use the access to the pictures to shape what's actually reported. In extremes, Southampton might insist that you could only use their pictures if you write in positive terms about the club.

The Sun isn't going to allow such a situation to develop. Can you imagine a proud title like The Sun throwing away its journalistic integrity just to get a few snaps? Thank god it has integrity and knows a line in the sand when it sees... hang on, what's this in yesterday's Guardian diary?

Clunk! A contract thumps on our desk from Stuart Higgins Communications offering the Guardian rights to republish Hello! magazine's coverage of Robbie Williams's wedding to Ayda Field. How could we refuse such a prospect from Higgie, known in his days on the Sun's newsdesk as the human sponge? Well, one or two problems: we could probably cope with the requirement that the magazine cover should be reproduced in full colour and not smaller than 7cm in size and even the tag that it is really a Hello! exclusive. We're just a bit foxed by clause 3: "No derogatory references to be made to Hello! magazine or to the artists referenced. The piece must appear in a positive context." Well, really – as if we'd do anything else ...

Apparently The Sun operates one rule on the sports desk, and a totally different one in Gordon's kingdom.

Gordon in the morning: An overlooked guest

Poor Gordon Smart. Given how The Sun has fawned over Robbie Williams for years, it must hurt that Hello got the plum seat at the wedding, and it's there, in all the photos, grinning alongside the Happy Couple.

No wonder Gordon couldn't bring himself to write about the event, instead handing his copy of Hello over to Tom Wells to do the copying from.

Just a point, though: how shabby is it for a man making as much as Williams does to sell his wedding for a few extra quid?

Do Hello! own a map?

Or even the slightest grasp of American geography?:

New mum Billie Piper, who's been enjoying a two-week family break in Miami with her husband Laurence Fox and their two-month-old son Winston, made the most of the US jaunt by popping over to Hollywood.

"Popping over"? From Miami to Los Angeles? Four and a half thousand miles?

Never ask if a Hello journalist could pop down the shops to pick up some milk - they'd head off to Syria or somewhere.

Mel B keeps her child on-brand

You or I might see Mel B putting her daughter into a "Spice Baby" tshirt and think "what a cloying and slightly heartbreaking idea."

This is why we don't work for Hello magazine. They see it, and think:

Mel B's girl Angel Iris proclaims her Spice Girls heritage

Angel Eyeball is eleven months old, and thus, we'd suggest, fairly incapable of proclaiming anything much beyond 'hungry' or 'poop-covered', much less choosing a wardrobe in order to ride on her mother's coat-tails.

Although, we fear, come 2022, we'll start to see that happening.

Why media managers love Hello!

The happy, smiley world of Hello! recreates something a bit like the relationship between the media and celebrities in the 1950s - closet doors firmly shuttered, skeletons unremarked. Take, for example, the report on Amy Winehouse's appearance at Paris Fashion Week. Possibly the only thing written about her in the last six months NOT to mention drugs, crack or unsuitable husbands in chokey.

[Edited to add in the all-important "not" - thanks, Robin]

Amy and Pete: Hello, co-dependents

The fawning nature of Hello - which has never heard of a celebrity activity it doesn't love - always offers a degree of amusement. While the rest of the world hears of Pete Doherty turning up at Amy Winehouse's house at four in the morning and thinks "uh-oh", Hello! thinks it's charming:

'Back To Black' singer Amy seeks solace in kindred spirit Pete

Amy Winehouse seems to have found a like-minded friend to help her through her current troubles. The jazz sensation has been turning for support to fellow musician Pete Doherty, with whom she's working on a duet, while her husband Blake remains in detention.

Kate Moss's former flame has had his fair share of problems, too, so it's easy to understand his empathy with the singer.

Ah... it's a like-minded friend helping her with her troubles. Possibly even not by adding to them.

Woman's valiant struggle

At long last, someone has stepped forward to break the duopoly on celebrity weddings. Jackie Hatton, editor of Woman, pants to the UK Press Gazette of her vital blow for the freedom of the press:

“As far as I’m aware it’s a first for the mainstream woman’s market. Weddings have been the province of the Hellos and OKs of this world, and we relaunched last year to bring the title bang up-to-date and embrace the market trends. Once you start looking at celebrity and the ways that celebrity is covered across the media, the big attention grabbers are the big events – the births, the weddings, and the engagement parties.”

She's put her entire operation on standby to turnaround the vital story as quickly as is possible:

A team of 10 editorial staff worked to produce the coverage within 24 hours of the ceremony.

And who is the latter-day Princess Grace whose nuptials have been snatched from under the very nose of OK and Hello!?

Erm, Colleen Nolan.

Still, Hello must be annoyed at losing a perfectly serviceable story it could have used on a half-page somewhere near the back. And how, exactly, did Woman secure this scoop?

Erm, Colleen is a columnist for the magazine.

Oh.

J-Lo makes the poor folk dance

Jennifer Lopez is casting for a dancer to appear - briefly and not centrally - in her new video. Oh, and she's turned it into a talent seach. Hello! is thrilled:

In a scene reminiscent of Fame, the 38-year-old singer looked on as hopefuls strutted their stuff to the beat of songs from her albums.

Reminiscent of Fame, yes, but surely more reminiscent of, ooh, some sort of programme that might encourage young hopefuls to try out for a taste of celebrity glitz.