How can we hate each other? We're wearing PVC trousers

Friendship, so the song claims, never ends. So, if we're to believe the Daily Mail - difficult words, I understand, but stick with me - everything is fine between the five disparate characters who make up The Spice Girls.

How do we know this?

The Spice Girls have put on their raunchiest show ever in a bid to convince fans they are as close as ever.

Now, since the costumes and the men-on-chains dance routines have been present throughout the show's run, you might think this is just an excuse by the Mail to publish some pictures of Mel C wearing PVC trousers. But, no, it really was the raunchiest show ever, by some distance:

Scary Spice Melanie Brown roused the audience when she groped Victoria Beckham's surgically-enhanced breasts.

Okay. By precisely that distance.

By the way, does anyone know what schools the Mail's writers went to? Only they seemsto have been a bit more, well, liberal, than mine:

Keeping to her schoolgirl style, Baby Spice Emma Bunton wore a laced-up PVC mini-dress.

You know what sucks, though: when you're a parent on a tight budget and your kids' school insists you buy the laced-up PVC mini-dress from a designated uniform supplier.

Suprisingly, the Mail also resurrects the story about the band supposedly getting tattoos, only this time it's Victoria rather than Mel C who was supposed to be the prime mover. In this version of the tale, Beckham turned up at a tattoo parlour only to wait... and wait... and wait.... Because, of course, if you're going to have ink put into your skin as a group bonding thing, you'd all set out individually.

Ditto: now she's coming for Kirstie & Phil

Credit where it's due: this is quite a good gag on house prices from Beth Ditto:

"Posh and Becks even moved because they were too poor to buy a house here [in the UK].

"Do you know what the pound is compared to the dollar? No, way.'"

Of course, we're not quite clear how it fits with her downhome image to be worrying about property prices. Beth seems to suddenly realise that, too:

"I don't have the money to buy a house or the sanity, geeze-louise!"

... because "not wearing a shirt" is a Nobel Prize category

We're not amongst the greatest admirers of Victoria Beckham, but if you're going to criticise her, you should at least have grounds:

"David's talented but what does Victoria do? Nothing."

That was Jordan. Now, it's true that Beckham might be the slightest of contributors to The Spice Girls, but she does at least have some claim to having sold a lot of records. And you, Jordan? What exactly is your special talent?

(We should stress that we don't consider owning breasts to count as a talent, nor charging for a peek at them, come to that.)

Still, Jordan does concede that they can all rub along:

"But there's room for all of us out there so I do wish them well."

That's mighty generous of you. With so many pages of Hello! and Ok! to be filled, everyone can get their beaks wet.

Don't you wish your career was hot like ours?

In her increasingly frantic efforts to try and shore up her American profile - in the wake of Radar magazine pillorying her and David as the "most over-rated couple" - Victoria Beckham is angling for a guest appearance with the Pussycat Dolls.

Although, really, she should be thinking about a small role in whatever panto the Krankies are doing this year instead.

Britney shrugs at Posh

It could have been one of the great meetings of our time; a "Doctor Livingstone, I presume" for the 21st Century.

Instead, Britney meeting the Beckhams was even better than that: Britney didn't have a clue she was supposed to know who they were:

A source said: “They bumped into each other in the Chateau Marmont and Victoria said, ‘Hi Britney. I’m Victoria from the Spice Girls’.

“But Britney had no idea who she was. She just looked at her with a vacant and bemused expression and turned and walked away.”

Victoria Newton simply cannot believe that Britney would have no idea who Victoria thingy is:

I realise Britney’s not likely to be a soccer fan, and she’s probably been too busy running around LA behaving strangely to have caught up with the latest on the Beckhams in the news.

But the Spice Girls were huge in the States and you’d have thought that, as a fellow pop star, Britney might have caught a glimpse of the girl band at some stage.

In fact, Newton wonders if not recognising the great Victoria Beckham - famous for, erm, you know, stuff - might not be it's a sign of a need for rehab:

I wonder if the Spice Girls really went over Britney’s head or if she is just too out of it to remember?

In contrast to Britney’s fall from grace, Posh has made a real splash in the States, enjoying the company of a host of top stars.

(Well done for remembering the Spice reunion fawning, Victoria - every little helps.)

Victoria Beckham, our greatest living comedian

As the prospect of the Spice Girls tour sends the newspapers into a flurry of activity, you can smell the fear in their nostrils that anything other than total surrender to the women might result in missing out on some juicy exclusive access. Yes, we're in for months and months of the tabloids rushing to try and wipe out five years of coverage suggesting that Geri was a weight yo-yo fuck-up, that Mel B was a loud-mouth nympho fuck-up, that Victoria was a humourless bitch, that Mel C was queen of the dwindling audience and that Emma had virtually disappeared.

It's like the government is about to change and everyone wants to be in with the new administation.

Which is the only explanation for David Lowe's bemusing review of Victoria Beckham's Coming To America in the Sun:

Victoria Beckham certainly has a way with words.

Posh proved she's Queen of the Quip in the recent telly documentary about her move to the States, Coming to America.

Really? Who knew that Beckham was the Dorothy Parker of our times?

Lowe illustrates his point, with 'quips' like this:

After a party with some LA wives: "They were fabulous, they were glamorous, they were gorgeous, they were well dressed. The lipstick was just major, major red lipstick. I'd never seen lipstick like it. As soon as I walked in that room I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, pass out or get on the next flight home."

'The women had lipstick on' - maybe that one's just gone over my head. Let's try another:

Speaking to her new personal assistant: "We'll get on well together. Of course, everyone has a fat friend. No offence or anything."

That would seem to be ignorant rather than witty.

After hearing Lionel Richie had laid the floor in her rented home: "Lionel Richie laid the parquet floor while he was dancing on the ceiling!"

Well... we can see that that has many of the ingredients you'd look for in a bon mot, but it doesn't actually make any sense. If there had been a lovely chandelier, then saying "I hope he didn't bump into that while he was dancing on the ceiling" might be worth it, but otherwise, this is little more than nodding and saying "I have heard of him."

Giving some serious advice: "Always keep shoes by the bed, preferably nice ones because the emergency services may be on their way and you want to be looking good."

Trouble is, while this is amusing, it's in a laughing at her way.

Responding to professional gossip Perez Hilton when he asked her to eat a cookie: "I can't. I don't want to ruin my image. I don't want to be seen smiling, eating or having fun. Perish the thought!"

That's actually mildly amusing, but again, we're not entirely sure she was attempting to be funny.

While sunbathing in LA: "To think that this is what Paris Hilton does every single day."

Far from being witty, that's one of the most heartbreakingly sharp insights into how empty her life is, surely?

John Hegley reported himself "unworried" this morning.

Beckham has a plan

Victoria Beckham is planning on giving up smoking to help her voice improve in time for the Spice Girls tour.

We're not sure why - perhaps its so she can shout more effectively if the guy who plays her lip-synching taper in screws up.

"Always down and keeping it real"

Presumably Victoria Beckham's happy at the sort of leak of the truly horrifying Full Stop, a weak, milky rap where Glamour Magazine's entrepreneur of the year tries to suggest that we should forget the "good girl" because she's - yes - "always down and keeping it real". Nas is on board for as long as it take his people to put the Switch card through the machine and transfer the fee.

Are we hearing things, or does she really claim that she wants to live "like hot knives"? How does one do that - hang around in dingy student flats and wait for the loan cheque to clear?

We're choosing to see this as a threat - "sure, object away to a Spice Girls reunion - if you don't want my clumsy musical stylings safely drowned out by a bellowing Mel B..."

Could America have tired of Victoria?

The latest news on TMZ suggests that, just perhaps, Posh has worn out her welcome:

Victoria Beckham blah blah shopping blah L.A. blah blah Friday. Blah blah!

Posh, 33, blah blah Kitson -- blah blah purple dress blah, Spice blah blah photogs blah blah blah blah!

Paparazzi crush blah blah Robertson Blvd., blah blah emaciated blah blah blonde bob blah blah blah. Blah!

Good lord, when a news service which reports Kelly Clarkson's doings as if they might mean something starts to take the piss quite so violently, your stock has really tanked.

Posh fights the size zero tyranny

Victoria Beckham has announced she intends to do something about all the images of "size zero" models in the papers, by hiring "curvy girls" to prance about in her new jeans range.

Presumably Victoria sees this as being like a carbon offset scheme - every time she appears in her role as spokesperson for avoiding swallowing, she'll pay for a picture of someone with a bit of flesh elsewhere to balance it out.

The trouble is, this is Posh's idea of "curvy" - Daniella Sarahbya, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Sarahbya is now on the Beckham payroll.

Is it just us, or is suggesting that Sarahbya is a "more normal" bodyshape just as bad for women's self-image as running pictures of ill women in fashion magazines? Indeed, isn't it just a little bit worse?