Won't somebody think of the Nickelback?

At this time of year, it's good that someone is prepared to make a stand for a cause that they believe in. Even if that person is Avril Lavigne, and the cause is fucking awful.

A few days ago, Mark Zuckerburg - The Riddler of the Information Age - made a funny video in which, in part, he made a joke at the expense of Nickelback. Avril Lavigne wasn't having that:

Dear @facebook, pic.twitter.com/1SCjWVV9TK

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) December 23, 2016

The first paragraph isn't even coherent, and I suspect a whole sentence got forgotten to try and link 'people not liking Facebook' with 'Zuckerberg not liking Nickelback'.

At the other end of the notelet, why is Lavigne putting hashtags into something she's going to share as a screenshot?

In the middle... in the middle, that's where it's really rough. If 'selling lots of records' makes someone worthwhile or significant, based on the wheezy figures achieved globally by Avril Lavigne's most recent album, Lavigne has effectively been invisible since about 2011. Selling lots of a thing doesn't mean you're doing anything worthwhile; not selling lots of a thing doesn't make you worthless.

But if that crude dollar-equivalent basis of cultural value is the one Lavigne's going for, then Zuckerberg - having persuaded millions upon millions to seal their online experience inside his unlovely scroll-jail - would be in a position to pass judgement on nearly every artist or musician in known history.

Let's set that aside, though, and just focus on the core claim that Lavigne is making - that criticism of a musician is akin to bullying.

The joke was Zuckerberg asked his AI to play a good Nickelback song; the AI replied that there were no good Nickelback songs.

Lavigne has done a lot of really good work to promote anti-bullying charities online, and it's sweet that she's defending her ex-husband in this way. But it undermines real victims of bullying to try and conflate a weak gag about a band's music with bullying. Music is immensely personal and music fans are incredibly tribal and - clearly - it's not unknown for that to boil over into actual bullying. But Zuckerberg's joke is no more than the equivalent of giving an album one star in a review and, really, if you don't want to be told that some people don't like what you make, you probably are in the wrong business.

My Mum used to say 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all', but she never let that stop her having a go at Cliff Richard whenever he appeared on the radio.

Presumably the royalty cheques help soothe the pain a little, but what really should count isn't the people who don't like Nickelback, but the people who do. If you're making something that you care about and want to make a connection, you'll understand that sometimes it's a passionate connection, and sometimes it's going to be a firm rejection. That's the whole point of artistry.

Unless of course you don't really care about your music and just value the number of units shifted.

Avril Lavigne has no mouth; she cannot scream

Surely the worst things about Avril Lavigne's dubious Japanese-themed video is that:

1. She's plodding about five years behind Gwen Stefani's no-less-uncomfortable pillage-and-repackage of Japanese culture as exotica for the the US market

and

2. The song was co-written by her husband. Yes, that's Chad 'Nickelback' Kroger writing a song about Hello Kitty.

A very cold dish of revenge

Remember Deryck Whibley used to be married to Avril Lavigne? And that Lavigne is now engaged to Chad Kroeger?

Guess who Deryck and his current partner dressed up as for Halloween?

"Ha ha, you're engaged to someone from a dreadful rock band, Avril" scoffs Deryck, recalling a phrase written on gifts given to Avril back at her last wedding shower.

You get a free gift and your Nickelback

If you wanted to give away a free Nickelback video, you'd probably be hard put to find anyone who'd want it. You'd need to find some way of identifying those odd souls who might actually think it delightful. Luckily, though, US phone company Sprint have come up with a foolproof way of finding Nickelback fans. Actually, you wouldn't want foolproof, would you? It'd be like make a butchers carnivore-proof.

What Sprint are going to do is tickle Nickelback fans' mobiles as they arrive at gigs, using wifi and bluetooth to offer the download, and to slap it on if they say yes.

Not quite sure how the bandwidth would cope if everyone said 'yes' at the same time - I have a happy fantasy of Chad Ogre trying to start the gig while the audience are saying "hang on, mate... the download is only 3% completed..."

The technology has been used at Def Leppard gigs, too, but the interesting point is that is could also be used for good purposes.

Chad Kroeger drops his drink driving appeal

Drunk-driver Chad Kroeger of Nickelback had been trying to wriggle out of responsibility for his actions; he wanted to appeal against his conviction because a policeman had asked him to blow into his face. (Frankly, we'd be paying the cop ten dollars out of public funds for going above and beyond the call of duty.)

Now a similar appeal has been thrown out by the Canadian courts, Kroeger's plans to appeal have been dropped.

Nickelback... back... back

As James points out in the comments on the Shakira piece, LiveNation have also signed a 360 deal with Nickelback.

Which is enough excuse to mention the hilarious - but not in the way they think - sofa store advert currently churning out on ITV right now, which isn't even a parody of the Rock Star video; it just is the Rock Star video - people miming to Chad Kroeger's vocals, albeit this time with sofas behind them. The idea being, you see, you don't have to be a rock star to buy a sofa at this sofa store. (On this occasion, I'm not being cussed by not mentioning the company - I really can't tell remember what company it is, which probably is best for them.)

You wonder why Kroeger - a man who apparently made £34million from touring in 06/07 - happily allowed the advert to be made, almost as much as the company who chose to make the advert. It's like seeing the word "misbegotten" mimed out for you by the 2006 Charades World Championship winner. Are they that hard up for a few quid?

Chad Kroeger: A little bit hissy

Splendid bloggage fun on the Guardian this morning, with Ian Winwood detailing Chad Kroeger's inability to calm down, at all, ever:

In 2003 Kroeger challenged me to a fight - by name, and from the stage at every show Nickelback performed on their UK arena tour. He wanted us to duel, for charity, in a boxing ring. Make no mistake, he harboured - and possibly still harbours - enough anger toward me that was he to see me, he'd end me. Noticeably short on breath, I accepted Chad's challenge.

The nicest detail of the story is that Kroeger attempted to wrap his pre-evolutionary violent response in with a donation to charity, as if a cheque to some good cause made his macho petulance somehow honourable.

At last, Chad Kroeger says something we can agree with

Chad advises the paparazzi to not bother with him as nobody cares what he's up to.

Unless he's drunk driving, of course.

Kroeger's witty comeback

You would have thought by now Chad Kroeger must have come up with a standard response to being told that "Nickelback sucks" - obviously, you wouldn't expect him to be honest and say "yes", but even so, "and yet we keep selling records" would be both factually correct and, depending on the tone of voice, be a statement with which everyone can agree.

Kroeger, though, isn't one of the great minds of our time, so it appears that when he was outside a Vancouver nightclub and someone - apparently - yelled "Nicklelback sucks", he punched them instead. It's part of a golden age for the hairy groaner - last month there were reports of a fight with cops at a strip club, and he's still waiting for his day in court for driving while tight. Perhaps if whoever it is buying his records stopped, and cut off his access to royalties, he'd have to stay in, and we'd all be a little safer.

Nickelback make their cash by not really connecting with anyone

Nickelback are about to churn out another album, helmed by famous drunk-driver Chad Kroeger. You might be wondering 'why', or more likely, 'who the hell keeps buying these things?' Chad has an answer:

"In a climate that a lot of people aren't doing that well, we're very, very fortunate," Nickelback's leader, vocalist
Chad Kroeger, said in a recent phone interview.

"We're just lucky that we've been able to make a connection to fans of all ages, instead of just hitting with one group of fans or one age group," he added. "Our fans are really over the map, and that makes it really easy when we pull into town to draw a large variety of people who want to sit and listen to Nickelback songs."

It's perhaps not surprising Chad shares a name with a popular supermarket own brand. Nickelback's appeal seems to lie in being a bit like a King Sooper's soup: it's not perfect, but it's just about appealing enough to the unfussy, and priced to sell.

Don't worry - Chad doesn't mind people criticising his rubbish band. After all, it's all about the money, not the art:

"We don't listen to critics anymore. I don't think we've ever listened to critics, but we don't even pay attention to it anymore," Kroeger, 32, said.

We're not sure how there's a difference between 'not listening to' and 'not paying attention to' - we imagine that Chad's getting confused between 'not paying attention to' and 'not hearing'. Here's a handy way to remember the difference, Chad:

I am not hearing the moaning sound of Chad Kroeger's songs, because I have put my hands over my ears
whereas
I am not paying attention to the songs Chad Kroeger has made, because although I hear them, they're clearly just empty, bombastic yammering

The gruff-voiced, curly haired Kroeger, who is also the group's lyricist, has tuned out the doubters before — especially when it came time to release "All the Right Reasons," as industry insiders told them they'd never repeat the success they had with "Silver Side Up" or even "The Long Road."

"Usually, if (bands) do what Nickelback has done, you watch it decline. You always watch, they come out and they'll have some success early on and it always seems to trickle off, it never seems to gain momentum," he said. "We worked so hard to make sure that that didn't happen with this album."

Are we being unfair, or has Kroeger just said that he's made an album to sell to people rather than, say, one that he can be proud of, or one that fits with an artistic vision? No, we're not surprised that he's done it, just that he's so upfront about it.

SOMEONE STOPS CHAD KROEGER

We've never been able to work out why Chad Kroeger is able to keep getting away with it - "it" being, of course, just so distressingly terrible. We know there has to be room for bad music in the world, but Nickelback just push past the boundaries. If Bon Jovi are sneaking a packet of Post-It notes from the stationery cupboard into your pocket to take home, Nickelback are kicking down your bosses' door and forcing them eat their gradmother's corpse.

Anyway, the cops have finally started taking an interest in Kroeger's behaviour - so far, they've just caught him driving erratically at 2am in the morning, but it's a start.

music nickelback chad kroeger

CHAD KROEGER WANTS HIS NICKELS BACK

Chad Kroeger, the part-man, part-gargoyle who leads Nickelback, seems outraged that his former drummer Ryan Vikedal dares to be asked for the work he did when he was in the team. Kroeger is asking a court to declare that he, and he alone, made the songs:

Kroeger says he has demanded that Vikedal sign registration forms returning their interests in future performance royalties and repaying any royalties since January.

Kroger says Vikedal has either neglected or refused to comply and has continued to receive payments. Vikedal could not be reached for comment.

So - and we don't have Nickelback records here to check - it seems like Vikedal has been given the writers credits, and now Kroeger wants him to give them up. Vikedal, not surprisingly, seems less than keen on doing this - but we do love the way Chad seems surprised that he's not just signed the papers and given up his income stream. The question would be, if Vikedal hadn't written any of the songs, why was Kroeger happy for him to be earning royalties off them in the first place?

music nickelback chad kroeger

OH MY, WHAT A WAG: Chad Kroeger might come across as a glum type, but it turns out that behind that grim exterior, there's a brightly coloured waistcoat, "character" socks, a Looney Tunes tie and a complete Colin Hunt just struggling to get out. Chad, it seems, is a bit of a "practical joker" (or, as we call it, a bit of a bully who attempts to disguise his attempts to humiliate his employees as being a bit wacky):

Recently, lead singer Chad Kroeger planned retaliation for a previous prank. It involved the band's bus driver and a lightning storm (which shook the tour bus) and resulted in incriminating photos of the band and crew sitting on top of bags of garbage, protecting themselves from lightning.
"This joke traveled for a good week and a half," Kroeger told The Associated Press during a break before the band's upcoming summer tour.

Oh, my. While we dry our watering eyes, let's just wonder about a man who thinks this isn't only worth doing in the first place, but then - teehee - tells the Associated Press about it and brags that he - giggle giggle - banged on about it for ten bloody days. We know from the records that he's clearly got no idea when something has been milked to death, but this surprises even us.

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: 'Okay, we'll refrain from asking if you hate black people; you revoke your demand for Danny Kelly to be handed over; and neither of us mention Southpaw Grammar. Deal?' edition
There’s a really disturbing picture of the Strokes in the new edition of Word. Disturbing in that, high upon an Edinburgh hillside, they look just like Tenpole Tudor.

They also rate the new Morrissey album, track-by-track, for potential controversey. The flashpoint, it seems, is going to be All The Lazy Dykes. Although we can’t see shiftless lesbians getting up in arms about it, somehow.

Eric Clapton is constantly harrassed by a woman who thinks he’s stealing ideas from the inside of her head. So, either she’s completely mad, or she’s been responsible for Clapton’s last few records, in which case she’s dangerous. Either way, she needs help.

Nice piece compiling some the odder amazon.com reviews: they’re rather harsh on Anne Frank, who “does nothing but complain”; but she gets off lightly compared to whoever bought Trout Mask Replica: “I am now perified to sleep in my own bed.”

“Keane originally formed as school friends in 1997” informs a get-by-in guide to the proudly pudgy pompadors, which seems an odd way of putting it. Drummer Richard tells a story about how he recognised the audience from Top of the Pops on the way home, which is quite sweet.

The closure of Just 17 is more than a media there-but-for-the-grace-of-god moment for David Hepworth, because he helped give birth to the magazine. He reckons the death of the title is a side effect of the death of the teenager, which makes you wonder who it is buying all those copies of Bliss.

Now, where are we up to with that 80s revival? Duran have had their reunion, Five Star have coughed up a remix, the Spands have flirted with getting back together, George Michael is confessing to being in Wham and KajaGooGoo have reunited and already kicked Limahl out again. That means about now, Martin Fry should be... why, yes, here he is. He’s got a theory about music: you can’t be any good at it without having had a miserable childhood. He’s also got a past to live down: his kids used Google to track down pictures of him during ABC’s ill-advised cartoon period.

What people like: George Michael loves West Side Story and Cabaret (well, duh), the never-actually-funny Jimmy Carr claims to be a long-term Lloyd Cole fan (so, that’s why the long face, then). Katie Melua makes the odd claim that “censorship isn’t as tight in Georgia as it is here.” Mmm.

In the report of Shaun of the Dead - Simon Pegg’s new movie - it’s revealed that they had to get permission from the artists whose records they used to decapitate the zombies. Sade said yes; Mark Knopfler refused to allow Brothers In Arms to help save human lives.

“I thought my pain was greater than yours; but the truth was I was just a junkie, so I couldn’t deal with the usual shit everybody else has to deal with. I really believed I was different.... There were points when I mistook lust for love. Like with some of the people I married. Most of them, actually.” Steve Earle, as it happens, but you just knew that it was a country singer, didn’t you?

There’s a big cut-and-come-again fruitcake of an eBay article; it’s disguised as a beginner’s guide, but the real pleasure is from the recognition of yourself in some of the behaviour.

The supposedly exhaustive guide to musical genres doesn’t have Raggle-Taggle or New Wave of New Wave. But there’s lots of headings for cover boys Franz ferdinand to choose from, although when asked they instead place themselves “somewhere between Boyzone and Joy Division.” (i.e. like everyone except Robbie Williams and X, then) Word identifies the band’s strength as being they don’t pretend to be thicker than they actually are. You might want to compare this with Blur, who did try and disguise their smarts; then, when Graham Coxon left taking the clue with him, the residue suddenly started to show off in the hope we wouldn’t notice their bottom had shot.

Clark Collis goes to see The Passion of the Christ, the film based on The Bible (I wish they’d kept the name of the book; I hate it when they do that.) He worries that Gibson’s work will look like a first shot in a fundamentalist war when viewed beyond the Christian world - if only we were still back at that stage.

Talking of those that died for your sins: What, more Kurt Cobain? At least this piece is by David Cavanagh, although you do wonder if he’d not been better off keeping it back for the twentieth anniversary rather than the arse-end of the tenth. “It all seems a long, long time ago” concludes Cavanagh, without the hindsight of all his readers who will have spent the last month feeling like they’d only just tripped over the corpse.

Next month, they’re putting the Smiths on the front, which again might look less like a good idea since it’s starting to look like by May we’ll have had enough Morrissey to bring down Mr Happy. But for now, it’s still a novelty to have him back - especially on the cover of the NME, which neatly plumps for a stripped down front-page, echoing the classic no-words-at-all cover of, ooh, years ago. After a couple of weeks of Kurt and now this, it’s looking increasing like the NME has decided that its long, illustrious past is an asset, not an embarrassment. In fact, with a Mozzer front and an advert for Prince on the back, it’s only the glossy paper that makes it clear you’ve not picked up a 1986 back issue.

But, hey, bang up to date is a small throwaway section sponsored by O2 to launch its download service. What would the stars download on to their digital music players? they ask, not apparently aware that, erm, everyone’s got a digital music player already. And the first star they ask is Conor McNicholas, the NME editor. Star? He’s not even been on ‘Today’ for the last couple of weeks, dammit. It seems this is going to be a monthly giveaway - like that one that used to be sponsored by Miller beer which disappeared without fanfare a while ago. Cameron from Jet is taken off to one side to be asked questions. He’s currently reading a book about John Lennon. Of fucking course.

In the NME proper, Nic out of Jet has been taken to one side, and given to Peter Robinson to play with. If he could put anyone on top of a mountain, he’d stick Chad Kroeger up there. Presumably because Nickelback’s rock for people who don’t like music is direct competition for Jet.

Okay, okay, one final Kurt thing, and then we swear we’ll be so over it: A fan called Natalie announced she’d come to London especially to mark the tenth anniversary. “And then we’re going to the Hard Rock Cafe to look at his guitar. He’s a huge influence on everyone we know.” Really? And yet none of them mentioned that marking his death by going to a burger to gawk at his guitar, displayed like a trophy, might be the closest you could get to pissing in his heroin and making him record Time For Teletubbies?

The big picture is Jack White and Loretta Lynn, which is just stylish.

Keane - here dubbed “Brit Pack anthem makers” (look, nobody’s using that, you know) do the CD thing: Charlatans, Radioehad and, um, Michael Jackson.

radar band are the dead 60s - they’re label mates and management share with The Coral, but they swear blind they’re not part of the Cosmic Scouser Bandwagon Zanzibar scene. Specials Meets the Clash is the verdict (although that sounds scarily like Beat spin-off General Public to us)

So, the return of the Manc, then. Firstly, we don’t want to be shallow but he’s got more hair than he had last time, hasn’t he? His quiff used to be sat like a small, silvery lemur balanced atop his skull; now, there’s a luxuriant abundance of black hair. Morrissey had been refusing to speak to the NME since August 8, 1992, when the whole ‘Are you now, or have you ever been a racist’ thing got out of hand - oh, how much could have been prevented with a simple ‘no’ - but now he recognises that “the people who are at NME now are a different breed; not the old, crusty geriatrics who were there in the early to mid 90s.” So that’s why the detente. That and because the crusty old guard are now in charge of the music pages of the national press and if he doesn’t plug You are the quarry in the NME, it’s going to be a jostle for coverage in Saga and the Oldie. But its good to have him back, you know, pointing out that Tony Blair is turning into Larry Grayson, and chatting about the whole decade that he skipped. It’s kind of how we imagine Blair and Gaddafi’s meeting would have been, only with slightly less farting . He reckons nobody has offered him so much as a pound to reform the Smiths. And just as things are warming up: end of part one. More next week. Well, we’ve waited about six hundred issues, we can wait another seven.

Karen O seems to have disappeared recently, but she’s back as well, talking up the soon-come Yeah yeah yeahs tour; going in the opposite direction are Razorlight, off doing that cracking America thing. Good luck to them, but why do bands always set themselves that goal? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just concentrate on, say, cracking Rhode Island first? Anyway, they kick off the live reviews, too, scoring 8 for their New York gigs. Then...

Kasabian, Islington Academy 2 - “edgy, euphoric, electrifying”, 8
Part Chimp - London Metro - “pain that reminds you you’re alive”
selfish cunt - whitechapel rhythm factory - “London’s finally burning again”, 10

albums
the zutons - who killed the zutons - “waiting to pounce”, 7
syd barrett - radio 1 sessions - “sounds like its been under water for a thousand years”, 6


singles
sotw - franz ferdinand - matinee - “is this what they mean by a win/win situation?”
Pink - last to know - “murderous, corkscrew wielding, hungary for man-blood...”

And finally, who do you reckon Dangermouse has chosen for the ‘why I love’ column? If you said REM, then curse you: you must have peeked.

WOT - NO BANANAS?*: The worrying thing is, Chad Kroeger isn't being wry: "The stage is going to be even bigger than last time. The flames we had last time? Instead of going 40 feet, they'll now go 60 feet in the air. And if you're looking for meat and potatoes, we'll be serving up mountain-sized plates of meat-and-potatoes rock 'n' roll." No word on how the sourcing of the model stonehenge is going.

What's a little more interesting is the hairy one was stopped from making a single with santana by his record label - it turns out that he hadn't realised when he took a large pile of money from Roadrunner that he'd actually signed over himself to the label. Roadrunner were worried that if he worked with Carlos, he'd 'ruin his rock credibility' (like Disneyland losing its gritty realism, surely?). But now we're not sure - since his visual rights are no longer his (i.e. he can't stand in front of a camera without the approval of Roadrunner) is he allowed to cut his hair without their say-so?

It's easy to mock, but if it wasn't for the NME, who'd even think of giving Coldplay an award?

Or, the NME Brat awards (apparently sold to some lager company) - those nominations, in full.

BEST UK BAND SPONSORED BY VIRGIN MEGASTORES & MEGASTORES XPRESS
>The Libertines
>Oasis
>The Coral
>Radiohead
>The Cooper Temple Clause
>Coldplay
Interesting that all these bands are sponsored by Virgin, isn't it? No, really, we're killing ourselves. The nominations for the Coral, TCTC and the Libertines seem to have blown in from a different category - maybe Fopp is sponsoring an award for "best uk band not overcome with belief - supported by their team of advisors and PAs - that they actually can fly higher than a rainbow" and they should have been in there. Because its a mismatch, isn't it? We're guessing Coldplay will pick up the big one, being crowned as "Band who are perceived as being 'proper' by the sort of people who don't really like music of the Year"

BEST INTERNATIONAL BAND
>The Strokes
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Vines
>The White Stripes
>The Hives
>Foo Fighters
See, this is more like what we>d imagine a NME list of nominations to look like - if they'd followed the same convention as the UK category, we'd have been choosing between The Strokes, the Foos, Dave Matthews Band and probably Midnight Oil. We're rooting for Meg and Jack, but we know that it's Dave Grohl's. He's already bought some duraglit.

BEST LIVE BAND SPONSORED BY 4MUSIC
>Muse
>The Datsuns
>The Vines
>The Polyphonic Spree
>Oasis
>The Hives
Nice to see the cash-strapped purse at Channel Four hasn't stopped it from lashing out on the sponsorship for this one. Money well spent, plugging a programme strand that nobody I have ever spoken to ever actually mentions. Still, it could have been worse - Best Live Band sponsored by attheraces would have sucked even more. Maybe E4 could look into using some of its incredibly expensive downtime to carry stuff from Channel 4's twenty-year music archive? Obviously, once that endless hairdressing salon thing has ended. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Nominations. We're presuming that the inclusion of Oasis in this field is merely to set up some comedy moments for the awards evening - a band who spent most of the year either marching off stage, telling its audience to fuck off, being booed or not showing up at all doesn't really seem to be up to code, does it? And curious that the nme shortlists The Vines in the same issue it carries endless reports of just how shit the Vines live were (according to Australians). The Polys, then, should win this - each member could keep the prize on their shelf for two hours, forty five minutes before passing it on to the next.

BEST SOLO ARTIST
>The Streets
>Pink
>Avril Lavigne
>Ryan Adams
>Eminem
>Ms Dynamite
For some reason, while bands are segregated in a way the Archbishop of Canterbury would approve of - foreigners over there, brits over here - solo artists are all lumped together. We hope it's Pink, just to piss off the people who don't like her.

BEST NEW BAND SPONSORED BY CARLING
>The Coral
>The Vines
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Libertines
>The Datsuns
>The Music
Oooh, it's so hard to choose - when was the last time you saw a list of Best New Bands and all of them had potential (other than the potential to make you wind up in court explaining why you had to take the axe onto that tour bus). Maybe they could all just share it?


BEST VIDEO SPONSORED BY MTV2
>>Fell In Love With A Girl> The White Stripes
>>No One Knows> Queens Of The Stone Age
>>The Scientist> Coldplay
>>Tribute> Tenacious D
>>Whatever Happened To My Rock 'n' Roll (Punk Song)> Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>>You Know You're Right> Nirvana
And, again, the perplexing fascination with Tenacious D rears its ugly head. The video, if anything, was worse than the song alone - doing the video in a Karaoke Video booth is an old concept, put to far more inventive use by Sonic Youth; watching it, you'd be hard pressed to believe that Jack Black is actually meant to be an actor by way of his day job. The Nirvana inclusion is even more puzzling - sticking some old clips together with sellotape isn't that inspired an idea for dealing with a dead artist; it made the claymation Jackie Wilson doing Reet Petite look clever. Still frightening, but clever. For once, Coldplay really do deserve their nomination - not only because The Scientist was a great idea well executed, but also because anything that smashes Chris Martin through a sheet of glass is fine by us. But it's got to be Fell In Love. Like nothing else.

BEST ALBUM SPONSORED BY CARLING
>>Highly Evolved> The Vines
>> A Rush Of Blood To The Head> Coldplay
>>Heathen Chemistry> Oasis
>>The Coral> The Coral
>>Songs For The Deaf> Queens of The Stone Age
>>Original Pirate Material> The Streets
Hey, drink enough Carling and we're sure that Heathen Chemistry might start to sound like something other than a wanking contest between eunuchs. The Coral's album isn't really a coherent work; more career end compilation than an album proper. Coldplay will get it; the Streets deserve it.

BEST RADIO SHOW
>Chris Moyles, Radio 1
>The Breezeblock, Radio 1
>Gary Crowley, BBC Radio London
>Mark & Lard, Radio 1
>The Evening Session/Lamacq Live, Radio 1
>John Peel, Radio 1
Again, you fear for the sanity of people who'd actually sit down and nominate Chris Moyles for anything other than a long, slow, painful death. We know a lot of people listen to him, because he'>s "on in the office". Actually, he's on at the moment, isn't he? [Retunes]. Oh god. Oh god. Make it stop. [Retunes again]. Lamacq. Perhaps the BBC will then realise what they've done.


BEST TV SHOW
>Gonzo
>The Office
>I'm Alan Partridge
>Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
>The Osbournes
>Jackass
Forget Zane Lowe, the really cute and nervous guy who was sitting in for him today on Gonzo deserves some sort of award. He's lovely. The Osbournes we're assuming was written in as an excuse to try and get Kelly "She's So Unusual" Osbourne to turn up. The not-actually-quite-as-good-as-people-said Phoenix Nights will win this.

BEST SINGLE
>>Get Free> The Vines
>>All My Life> Foo Fighters
>>No One Knows> Queens Of The Stone Age
>>There Goes The Fear> Doves
>>The Scientist> Coldplay
>>Envy> Ash
Of the ones on offer, Envy should win. Maybe Get Free could deserve it. The Doves would be nice to see. But it won't be, will it?

BEST ALBUM VOTED BY NME
>>A Rush Of Blood To The Head> Coldplay
BEST SINGLE VOTED BY NME
>>There Goes The Fear> Doves
We're not sure why they give separate awards for this, unless it's to underline that the other awards are voted for by the readers who, apparently, can't be trusted to get it right. These, then, must be seen as the House of Lords awards, selected by an appointments committee, to the other, Commoners, awards.


THE F*** ME! AWARD FOR INNOVATION VOTED BY NME
>The Neptunes
>The Streets
>Interpol
>Fischerspooner
>The White Stripes
>Panjabi MC
You'll know that we love the White Stripes as much as anyone, but we're not quite sure what's so innovative about them - faux incest? Fischerspooner's nomination must be for being the first act ever to bring together Pet Shop Boys style stage shows with totally valueless music. We scent that this whole award is merely barked up to allow Panjabi MC to get an award, so if you're disabled, say, or from another majority, you might like to try and beat Tatu to the "The candidate must demonstrate a commitment to the company's equal opportunities policy" prize for 2003.

PHILIP HALL HOT NEW BAND VOTED BY NME
>Jet
>Kings of Leon
>The Kills
>The Thrills
>Yeah Yeah Yeahs
>The Warlocks
Again, the duplication of categories is puzzling. They should give it to the yeah yeah yeahs, though. Any failiure to give a prize to karen o should be punished.

ARTIST OF THE YEAR VOTED BY NME
>Coldplay
>Oasis
>Pink
>Eminem
>Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
>The Vines
Are there really that many Pink fans in Kings Reach Tower? Presumably The Vines have blown it, and Eminem won't turn up. Oasis? No, Coldplay, again? "If we tell them they>re getting lots of prizes, Gwyneth might come with them. And she might wear a dress you can see her tits through again."

BEST FILM
>24 Hour Party People
>Minority Report
>Bowling For Columbine
>28 Days Later
>About A Boy
>Goldmember
Goldmember? You're 'avin a laugh, aintcha? Although, of course, not in any literal sense. Unless there's some sort of outstanding debt from the paper to Danny Boyle, Michael Moore should expect a call here.

MOST SEXY MAN
>Chris Martin
>Liam Gallagher
>Fab
>Craig Nicholls
>Dave Grohl
>Julian Casablancas
Julian is quite cute, we guess, but really, his little face doesn't say "sexy" does it? The closest we can get is slipping him five bucks to make himself scarce while we screw his brother. Dave Grohl also a curious appearance in a sexy man list - really, he just gives off that whole vibe where you'd feel unsettled doing it, like he'd be asking you to explain exactly why you're touching him there all the way through. Liam Gallagher - to be fair, he should be judged on his gormless, ugly, pre-prehensile face before it got smashed repeatedly by that Italian, as its a 2002 award. Fab we wouldn't piss on if he was on fire - and since his appearance suggests he sleeps next to the dumpster out the back of Cherry Tree in Runcorn, we wouldn't be surprised to find ourselves in a position where that course of action may become something we'd have to face one day. Chris Martin could, conceivably, triumph in a sexiest man competition, if he was up against Morph, Johnny Vegas and the shadow cabinet. But all considerations are dancing in the sand. Craig Nicholls. The man is so sexy, he could turn a Jeep gay.


MOST SEXY WOMAN
>Kylie
>Avril Lavigne
>Karen O
>Charlotte Hatherley
>Christina Aguilera
>Meg White
The trouble with Meg isn't so much that she's indie's Charlie Dimmock; not even that you find when she approaches you in a dream she keeps asking "Do you mind if my brother watches?" but that no matter how you try, it's impossible to think of shouting out "Meggggg" at the moment of orgasm. Kylie might be sexy, but there's always the risk that too enthusiastic a shag and all that skin scraped up at the back of her skull will come lose and you'll find yourself mid-screw with a baggy duvet cover. That Christina Aguilera is even here is just ridiculous - lots of stars find themselves the subject of sploosh websites, where fans post pictures of their heroes that they've recently wanked over. Christina is the only current recording artist we know of who has an Official Sploosh site. Avril Lavigne may look like Jennifer Aniston, but has the charisma of Kelsey Grammer. We can't choose between Karen O and Charlotte. Actually, that's not true. We just wanted to take a little longer over it. Karen O has the poise - she's sexy and knows it. But Charlotte is a lot more innocent-looking. And that's always going to be the clincher.


VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
>Osama bin Laden
>Robbie Williams
>George W Bush
>Simon Cowell
>Pete Waterman
>Tony Blair
Bit harsh on Osama Bin Laden, isn't it; all he did in 2002 was to stick out a couple of poorly thought out recordings. Although you could say the same about Robbie Williams. It's hard to believe that any NME reader could really get so worked up about Cowell/Waterman - ooh, they were rude to the Cheeky Girls, lash them. Probably choosing Bush would lead to the paper being banned in the US, so Blair it is, then.

HERO OF THE YEAR
>Liam Gallagher
>Dave Grohl
>Chris Martin
>Craig Nicholls
>Graham Coxon
>Ozzy Osbourne
Right - so, in order then, the achievements of the NME heroes are:
- getting the shit beaten out of them in a nightclub and not quite making it to the end of any gig
- managing to go a year without endorsing the dangerous crap that HIV isn't connected to Aids
- having polite sex with Gwyneth Paltrow
- managing to stop the mantits
- being sacked by his bandmates and trying to spin it into leaving in disgust
- squandering the last of any respect he may have had as an artist to become a sweary pantomime dame
How does one choose?

BEST LIVE VENUE
>Brixton Academy
>London Astoria
>Glasgow Barrowlands
>Shepherd's Bush Empire
>Nottingham Rock City
>Birmingham Academy
It>s usualy impossible for a non-London venue to win this, sadly. And the two Academys should be instantly disqualified for having sold their name for a mess of potage (Carling? Carlsberg?) The Astoria actually deserve it - and its not often we>re nice about the Mean Fiddler group - for staring down the even more satanic Westminster City Council and their apparent bid to make London the least fun place to be on the planet.

BEST HAIRCUT
>Liam Gallagher
>Didz
>Craig Nicholls
>Dave Grohl
>Fab
>Jack White
This is a shit and pointless category that has had no value since the end of the New Romantic era. It's only a step on from having a "Dressed Most Like Someone In Greek National Dress" round.

BEST DRESSED
>The Hives
>Julian Casablancas
>Jack White
>Liam Gallagher
>Taylor Hawkins
>The Polyphonic Spree
The Polyphonic Spree wear sheets, for crying out loud. And Julian Casablancas looks like a boy starting work experience at the Bradford and Bingley. "Mam said jeans'd be okay providing they were ironed." Still, compared with Liam - appearing in tonight's Life of Mammals foraging for clothes in black sacks left outside Banardo's - he's quite the snizzy dresser. Jack White at least has his own furrow.

BEST WEBSITE
>NME
>Ash Unofficial
>Oasis
>Foo Fighters
>BRMC
>Popbitch
*clears throat* No, really, we couldn't care less. No, that's fine. Seriously, its funny to watch Popbitch trying not to look excited about the nomination, isn't it, like an older brother at a kid's party struggling with his inner desire to join in the game of musical chairs. We can't help wondering why the nme is so immodest as to even allow its name to go forward here, by the way. The thing is, nme.com is quite good, but its really crappily built; even with broadband it takes ages to download; the floaty menu boxes are shite; it throws up too many pop-up windows; and the news ticker thingy just seems designed to make things hang even further. It's morally wrong to vote for Oasis' website here, of course, as let's not forget the bully boy tactics they used to shut down their own fan's sites not so long back. Ash Unofficial? It'll have pictures of Rick and Charlotte; how could it fail?

WORST ALBUM
>Robbie Williams -'Escapology'
>Gareth Gates - 'What My Heart Wants To Say'
>The Streets - 'Original Pirate Material'
>The Vines - 'Highly Evolved'
>Westlife - 'Unbreakable'
>Coldplay - 'A Rush Of Blood To The Head'
What, no Will Young? It may well go to Coldplay. But Westlife are evil, and so lets hope for their victory here.

WORST SINGLE
>Las Ketchup - 'The Ketchup Song'
>The Cheeky Girls - 'Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)'
>Will Young and Gareth Gates - 'The Long And Winding Road'
>Nickelback - 'How You Remind Me'
>Robbie Williams - 'Feel'
>Blazin Squad - 'Crossroads'
To suggest that the ketchup song is bad is misplaced - it never really set out to be anything other than a backdrop to summer drinking in the first place. If an award was being offered for Most Pointless Purchase, that would make a bit more sense. Likewise, the Cheeky Girls. It'd be like mocking Brighton and Hove Albion for being a bit shit at football - they'd counter that its not their fault they found themselves playing above their natural level. Williams is shit, but the git would probably turn up to pick the award up thinking it was being clever. Really, Nickelback need this award. You know that it'll make Chad cry knowing that his heartfelt grunting was the subject of eye rolling and tittering.

WORST BAND
>S Club Juniors
>Westlife
>Stereophonics
>Nickelback
>Atomic Kitten
>Blue
Let's just not bother with even treating the banged-together acts as bands - it's like Egon Ronay considering a Happy Meal - which means that its between the 'Phonics and 'back. And since the Stereophonics should be slowly washing up, limb by limb, on beaches along the North Sea Coast - don't worry, we got Arts Council funding - the prize belongs with Nickelback.

WORST HAIRCUT
>Gareth Gates
>Kelly Osbourne
>Kelly Jones
>Jack Osbourne
>Pink
>Chad Kroeger
Uh? Which Pink haircut? Sorry, I almost seemed interested, didn't I?

WORST DRESSED
>Gareth Gates
>Christina Aguilera
>Mike Skinner
>Kelly Osbourne
>Robbie Williams
>Robert Harvey
Christina Aguilera surely should be disqualified for failing on the "dressed" part of the qualification. And although we don't think much of Osbourne, we do always think she's nicely turned out and wouldn't want to use this merely as an excuse to bash the talentless twatbourine unfairly. Mike Skinner? Williams? We really can't be arsed since there's no box for Fischerspooner.

EVENT
>Ozzfest
>Oasis at Finsbury Park
>Glastonbury
>Carling reading/Leeds Festival
>T In The Park
>V2002
How can you vote for Reading *and* Leeds at the same time? Surely not possible. And Oasis in a park? Hmmm. Oh, Glastonbury. That'll do. Nobody'll be sober by the time they get to this one anyway.

What can't we face if we're together?

Nickeback goat-man Chad Kroeger has been whining because his friends couldn't get into a backstage event at the Billboard awards.

"They wouldn't let our people in because they didn't have laminates."

Right, and your point being, Chad? Look, if your people fucked up and didn't get your guestlist in in time, that's your problem, not theirs. Or maybe there's some sort of exception to the rule because you're so ugly you think security would just know someone turning up at the door saying she's your wife would have to be, as nobody else would claim that even to sneak into a party? You might not have heard, Chad, but the whole of the US is a little jumpy right now, what with the smallpox and the rap wars and the shooting of one of Run DMC and the Iraq crisis.

Maybe you should think about the security implications before you open your mouth and sound like a bullock head. Oh, and - really - don't worry about the same thing happening at next year's awards. Can you say "Stiltskin"?