Nobody has thought how Chris Brown has suffered

Given that even his supporters are admitting that at least some of what Chris Brown is accused of happened, you might wonder just who those supporters are.

People like Tyrese Gibson, who is concerned that the world seems to be forgetting what's really important here: Chris Brown.

"Although he appears to be really strong through all of this, it's really taking a toll on his spirit," Gibson reportedly told [People.com] on Sunday at the 2009 Ball Up Street Ball Tour in Los Angeles. "People like me and Puff [Diddy], we're just trying to show him love and keep his spirits up while he's going through all of the heat, and there are a lot people doing the same for Rihanna."

Hey, it's only fair that Diddy and Tyrese are offering a shoulder for Brown - it's not like Rihanna doesn't have people looking out for her, right? It's only fair.

Gibson also pointed out that the two are still quite young, which makes the situation even more difficult. "And a lot of people forget that he's 19, she's only 21.

"It's really hard for him to focus right now on his music, even though he really wants to," Gibson continued. "At the end of the day, I'm not trying to justify it because wrong is wrong, but unfortunately, us as entertainers, we have to grow up onstage with a lot of people looking at us."

I'm not trying to justify it, but he's young. And kind of in the public eye. How would expect someone who has only had two decades on the planet to know that hitting people is wrong? Especially what with having to do an over-paid job. Have you any idea how difficult it is to adhere to the sort of basic rules of decency when you have to sing a few songs every so often and then bank a large cheque?

Won't someone please, please think of Chris Brown. She hurt his fist with her face, after all.

Lattitude festival: Headliners announced

Thanks to Sweeping The Nation off of the Twitter, we now know that Nick Cave, the Pet Shop Boys and Grace Jones will be headlining this year's Lattitude Festival.

It's a good job that line-up came through the new-fangled Twitter, otherwise we'd have assumed it was a news story that had taken since 1990 to arrive with us.

I would never do that to you, I would never drive that fast

Hold the front page. No, hold several inner pages, too. A team of "scientists" have done some sciencing and discovered that listening to faster music might make you drive faster.

The scientists are based at Ben Gurion University - we mention that because they deserve to hang their heads in shame - and their findings are being pushed by a company which does something to do, vaguely, with cars:

A team of scientists at the Ben-Gurion University in Israel carried out the study exploring the effect of music tempo on driving. They found that music tempo consistently affected both driving speed and the driver's perceived speed estimates: as the tempo of background music increased, so too did the driving speed and the driver's speed estimate. The tempo of background music also consistently affected the frequency of traffic violations; disregarded red traffic-lights, road crossings and collisions were most frequent with fast-paced music.

But hang about... if you're driving faster, that means you're going to be less in control of your car, stopping distances will be longer, and so on, which means that it's the speed which makes you more likely to screw up and make mistakes. Not the music.

Although if you're playing George Sampson's Headz Up, you might be tempted to spin your car on its roof.

The car-related business then chips in with some findings of its own:

[They] also ran a recent consumer survey which revealed that 73% of respondents admitted to having speeded in the past and of those over 70% revealed that they listened to loud rock and fast dance music.

So... most people have, at some point in the past, driven faster than the speed limit; and most people listen to rock or dance music.

I haven't done the survey, but I very much suspect that if you did, you'd find at least two thirds of people in the UK have worn trousers. And I bet at least two thirds of them have eaten pizza. Therefore, eating pizza makes you wear trousers. (If Pizza Hut and Next want to send me an email talking money, I'll even do them a press release.)

Do they have another expert on hand to try and explain these surprises?

Eve Oldfield, Cognitive Neuroscience specialist said: "The study results imply that music tempo increases driving risks by competing for attentional space in the brain; the driver is distracted and driving capacity reduced with the increase in the number of temporal events which must be processed and require larger memory storage."

If you Google Eve Oldfield, the first response is the press release with the story in it; you then get a Facebook public listing which lists that Eve Oldfield as a fan of Ben Goldacre. That would be the Ben Goldacre who spends much of his time pointing out flaws in this sort of non-science. That could just be a wacky coincidence.

But why should rock music be the only music that does that? Wouldn't a convoluted lo-fi romance song also command your attention? How about if you liked singing along with quiet-is-the-new-loud stuff? Wouldn't that demand more of your attention than merely flinging in a Top Gear compilation CD?

In short: Hasn't Ben Gurion University just wasted a bit of its money and time and tarnished its reputation?

[Thanks to James P for the tip]

Amy Winehouse: Baby's on fire

Not that she's trying to create her own headlines which will see her recast as a saint and England's Amy or anything, but Ms Winehouse has been attempting self-immolation:

The 26-year-old singer
who recently burned herself while getting herself a fake tan after falling asleep on a sun bed, was jamming with her friends at her new home when the incident happened, mirror.co.uk reported.

As Amy and her friends plugged in their instruments, the fuses blew and sparks lit up her hair. But the Grammy winning artiste quickly doused the flames to salvage her brunette locks

This is not at all vague and in no way probably never happened. Who would "douse" flames caused by electricity? But just in case: Living TV, are you ready?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse of pain

Credited solely to "an insider", Gordon gets all scoopy with claims that Island have knocked back Amy Winehouse's new record faster than Amy can knock back a bottle of vodka:

“She seems to have ditched her trademark vintage soul sound and is now heavily influenced by reggae. Her bosses don’t think it’s a wise move to change her style so sharply and have told her that.”

Perhaps this is true. But what's completely lacking from the article is the vital detail of whether the new stuff is simply a sudden and sharp change of musical style, or if it's not any good, either. In other words: is Island panicking at being presented with something creative and challenging, or holding something that doesn't actually work.

The source added: “It’s crucial Amy’s return is handled properly.

“If she puts out a record that is in any way half-baked, that could severely damage her long-term prospects, so everyone’s focus at the minute is getting it right, even if that means telling Amy some things she probably won’t want to hear.”

But if Amy is the sort of talent Island has spent the last half-decade telling us she is, shouldn't they trust her a bit?

You might have seen Pete Doherty's TV complaint about how the media has created an 'evil twin' version of him:

"I call him my evil twin, this fella they've [the media] created. He looks a little bit like me, apart from he's filthy and he's always pulling a weird expression, or doing something violent or illegal."

How frustrating that must be. Mind you, the evil twin does work with the press, doesn't he? Yesterday, you could hear Gordon punching the air as he read Pete's Q interview and found a lovely, lovely big quote:

He moans in an interview in the new issue of Q magazine: “I wanted to see LILY ALLEN play the other week.

“But her label EMI got in touch and said, ‘We don’t want you there because Kate Moss will be there and it will take attention away from Lily. Can you not go?’

“I was so insulted.

“I don’t know. I think I would have been courteous enough.

“Then I’d probably have head-butted her new boyfriend, put her over my shoulder and run off.”

Nice to see, by the way, that EMI has so much faith in Lily Allen's ability to hold people's attention that they ask people not to go to her gigs.

Gordon then takes Lewis Hamilton to task for buying 'cheapo' sexy underwear:

YOU would think FI flyer LEWIS HAMILTON could afford to buy his raunchy missus some top-dollar undercrackers.

But when he took PUSSYCAT DOLLS singer NICOLE SCHERZINGER out to buy lingerie, strangely he kept a brake on the spending.

On the back ledge of their car was a bag from keenly-priced frillies store La Senza.

Strange. I wonder where Lewis might have got the idea that La Senza was a sexy, sexy place to buy knickers from, then?

Perhaps it was Gordon Smart's drooling write-up of photos of Danielle Bux in La Senza pants.

Or the time Gordon Smart dribbled over another Danielle Bux in La Senza knickers shoot.

Hang about - maybe it was the time Gordon's column ran a piece by Stuart Pink that got all excited by yet another set of adverts featuring Danielle Bux promoting La Senza.

Oddly, on all those occasions, Gordon forgot to mention that he thought La Senza was a bit cheap and nasty.

Perhaps, though, it might help if Gordon read his own column. Gordon Smart's Bizarre USA features a fascinating video:

While Lewis was enjoying his new title, it was back to the day job for his PUSSYCAT DOLL missus NICOLE SCHERZINGER - after a quick message of love and congratulation which you can see by clicking below or right:

Nicole joined her band-mates to model their La Senza lingerie range, called Shhh.

So, the store is good enough to sell pants in, but not buy pants in, then, Gordon?

Or... and this may be uncharitable... but you don't think the carefully-placed and folded La Senza bag was simply an advertising ploy, do you?

E!Online gets all haughty at MIA

After Dan Wooton had a go at MIA for being annoyed at the press for getting her baby's name wrong, just because they got it wrong, E! Online has joined in:

You may recall that the recent new mom went all ballistic when the name was announced, saying in her MySpace blog, "My baby is not called Ickitt, Pickit or Lickit thank you very much to all the Hollywood press. Hes a baby, he don't need press!"

The only trouble is, the baby kinda is named Ickitt.

Based on a birth certificate obtained by TMZ, it turns out that the baby's name is actually not Ickitt, but Ikhyd. Yep, the spelling's a little different, but it's pronounced exactly the same. We stand corrected. But only on a transliterated technicality. Woot!

Except, of course, it's not pronounced "exactly" the same. And not having the name spelled correctly is, you know, quite a big deal. And E seemed to have just sidestepped the main point of MIA's complaint, which is not simply that they got the name wrong, but that it was none of their business at all. And TMZ rummaging around to dig out the birth certificate more-or-less proves that point.

Heavy rock on the taxpayer

Interesting and successful experiment just happened over in Norway, where Rikskonsertene, the state cultural sponsor, paid for a tour by metal band Opeth.

Normally, the body funds the sort of thing you'd expect an arts council type organisation to pony up for - ballet and opera and stuff. But they're happy to spread their wings a little:

Kristin Stoltz Thomassen, the information consultant at Rikskonsertene, told Norwegian music industry magazine Faro Journalen that the OPETH tour was part of an initiative Rikskonsertene is doing with the pop and rock genres.

"This project is supposed to bring established artists to a young and energetic audiences around Norway, especially in smaller places where promotors would not normally be able to bring artists," he said. "Young people and students get the chance to see artists they otherwise would not be able to see.

"OPETH has been on our radar for a long time, and with the success of the 'Watershed' album, ongoing touring and a dedicated fanbase, we regard this as a jackpot, but also the result of focused work."

So it's about helping out a younger audience, and taking music to them. Which is laudable.

Although you could equally argue that - having been around for two decades - Opeth are as much a part of the Norwegian arts establishment as anyone in a tutu or Wagnerian helmet.

Chris Cornell: ... and if anyone else enjoys it, it's a bonus

Chris Cornell has issued a grumpy response to fans who don't like what he's doing now. Tough, this is Chris time:

"Older American fans don't like it because they are typically my core fans that really supported me in SOUNDGARDEN and really loved that band," Cornell said. "To them, that's kind of who I am, I'm that guy in that band, and I'm that guy who wrote those songs."

Cornell claims that he is a musician that needs to take chances to grow and be imaginative with his music.

"As a songwriter and creative person, I have to do what makes me happy. That changes, it goes into different worlds," Cornell explained. "Sometimes it's going to be in the world that those core fans of my earlier period love, and sometimes it won't."

Someone really should make "Core fan of earlier Chris Cornell period" t-shirts. They'd make a killing.

He is, of course, half right: musicians who don't adapt and change and experiment and grow will continue to just churn out decreasing-return-soundalike-stuff for the rest of their natural lives. Or "turn into Noel Gallagher" as medical people call it.

The other half of the rightness, though, is wrongness. Chris, sweetness: your core fans of your earlier work aren't recoiling in horror because you've changed. They're not afeared of your mad experimentalistics. It's because - despite swallowing Soundgarden - even the core fans can spot that your current stuff is a little ripe.

Daily Mail notices woman with job, man with job, don't work in same place

It takes quite a lot to make me have any sympathy for Gwyneth Paltrow and/or Chris Martin, but the Daily Mail manages it, with this:

Gwyneth Paltrow heads for Hollywood - without husband Chris Martin

By Katie Nicholl

It wasn't going to be long before tongues started wagging following the news that Gwyneth Paltrow was heading to LA without her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.

And what were those wagging tongues saying, exactly? Something like "is Katie Nicholl really holding down a job at a national newspaper when she doesn't seem to understand that Chris Martin is off touring the far east at the moment, and so unlikely to be able to travel to Hollywood, which is the place where his wife tends to do most of her work, like filming the sequel to The Iron Man?"

SXSW 2009: Another round-up

You know what? It sounds like it's become fun again for Justin Hawkins:

The frontman, formerly of The Darkness, got a fan to hoist him onto his shoulders towards the end of the band’s 11pm (CST) show at Emo's Annex, with the fan making a circular walk around the venue while Hawkins played guitar.

Mind you, you have to watch it with using the fans as personal transportation devices. Those things break down on the motorway, and it's really hard to get spare parts.

Polly Jean Harvey remebered her manners after doing some stuff off the new album with John Parish:

Harvey thanked the packed Austin crowd, noting that it was her and the band's first time in the city, saying that they had been "having a really nice time".

Actually, PJ never having been to an SXSW before is more surprising than the supposed-surprising appearance of Kanye West. The LA Times never quite got round to answering its own question:

Is Austin excited about Kanye West?

But does point out that West's appearance is like introducing myxomatosis into the rabbit population of SXSW:

Kanye will have the attention of nearly every journalist in Austin tonight. Here's hoping he makes the best of it, as the three-hour window in which he's scheduled to perform will be pulling attention away from the hundreds of artists aching for a piece of the spotlight.

And so it proved.

Mind you, West did no more damage to the ecosystem than the lumbering presence of Metallica. It's a strange musical world when Rachel Ray seems less out-of-place at a festival than Lars Ulrich. But then Ray seems to be there for the fun, while for Metallica it long since started to just be a day job.

Pinning all their hopes on their trip to Texas was White Lies, who told XFM they saw this as their big chance to break America:

"Obviously we already have a label over here and they're working really hard for us," he explains, "but this festival is a great springboard. Our album's just coming out, we have a month of touring here after that and if the right people come to your show at SXSW it propels you into a different place. But who knows? It's a good thing to be a part of."

Well, yes, a good thing to be a part of. But it's not really going to replace the need to do the big slog round small cities to build an audience, is it? Indeed, with so many bloody acts turning up to play, you're almost faced with the same struggle to get attention bands usually face, only played out in a much smaller physical place. If every act in the world is there, you have to wonder if there's much point in bothering to turn up.

Woot-ton: Taking down the blurtings of drunk men

You could almost feel sorry for the Sunday tabloids, what with the event they've all been waiting for occurring long after their print halls had finished for the day. You could almost feel sorry for the daily tabs as well, who are still hours and hours away from publishing. Almost feel sorry. On the other hand, I'm sure they'll still come up with a thousand grisly ways to make money off of Jade Goody's back, so it's not like it's worth shedding a tear for them.

Online, the News Of The World's team is rushing to rebuild the webpages to push anything not related to the Jade onto the edges. It's worth pointing out that their left-hand navigation actually has an item today that just reads:

Nude: Star bares all about men & motherhood

- without even bothering to mention who the naked celebrity is. It's Tina Hobley, actually, who's recreated her first FHM shoot, only using a baby instead of thigh-high boots. Which is slightly disturbing. Not that the NOTW noticed anyway.

So, what has Dan Wootton got for us today? News of a Kate Moss wedding:

SMITTEN rocker JAMIE HINCE has blurted out his big secret —he wants to marry wreck- head girlfriend KATE MOSS.

The Kills guitarist told me she’s The One and he’s ready to pop a ring on her finger.

Wow. Really? It's not just he blurted out something about being madly in love while he was a bit tiddly, then?

As Kate knocked back the vodka lemonades at London’s Volstead club on Thursday, Jamie pulled me aside and shouted in my ear: “I want to marry that girl.”

He then toasted his vow with a vodka cranberry before singing very loudly: “She’s all I want. She’s all I need.”

That's not quite "I'm ready to make a long-term commitment", no matter how badly you slur it.

Meanwhile, Dan is sticking up for his celebrity journalism skills, which are great, right?:

I’ve discovered the real name of Brit rap queen M.I.A’s baby son.

He did this through hours of diligent research, numerous interviews, and hard hitting of the books.

Oh, unless he read it online when TMZ published the birth certificate yesterday.

She denied rumours that she’d given her newborn the bizarre name, ICKITT.

But it’s actually not far off. According to the official birth certificate, his full name is Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman.

Somehow, Dan seems to be upset that when people claimed that MIA's kid was called something other than his actual name, that MIA pointed out the error. What was he expecting? That she'd go "well, that's near enough"? Or "oooh... warm... warmer... getting colder"?

People said he was called Ickitt. He isn't.

If the News bylined his pieces "by Damn Poothorn", would Dan go "well, it's almost a homophone"?

Still, does Dan have anything insightful to say about the actual name?

Alrighty then.

He's a bit of a loss to the political pages, isn't he? You might at least have thought he'd have had a little coo over both the grandad's names being given as middle names, wouldn't you?

Pretend your name is Keith

The Observer is warning - and warning is the word - that there's a new version of Agadoo being prepared:

In accordance with a recent EU decision the Scottish Executive is putting in place a Protection Zone of a minimum of three kilometres radius and a Surveillance Zone of 10 kilometres.

Keepers of birds in the protection zone are being instructed to isolate their birds from wild birds, by taking them indoors where ever possible.

Measures to restrict the movement of poultry, eggs and poultry products from these zones will be brought into effect immediately.

Oh... sorry, that's bird flu, isn't it? It's easy to muddle the two, because the main risk is people picking something up overseas and then bringing it back on the plane before infecting the UK.

The Observer seems convinced that Agadoo is the worst song ever, although surely Superman was worse, wasn't it? A rush-released follow-up that managed to be even more lame-witted - "come on, spray that can", anyone?

It's not just a straight re-release, oh no. It's a whole new version, which picks up on the cutting edge of British culture:

The new mix has now been recorded, and a video shot at Albir, on the Costa Blanca, featuring former Coronation Street actors Bruce Jones, who played Les Battersby, Kevin Kennedy, who was "Curly" Watts, and stars from the ITV series Benidorm.

Admittedly, the cutting edge of British culture from about a decade ago - could they not at least have put in a call to George Sampson? - but cutting edge nevertheless.

The plans then manage to straddle the worse/better boundary:

There are hopes, too, of a pumped-up version of Agadoo aimed at Ibiza, undoubtedly stripping the Spanish island of any last vestige of clubbing cool.

You know what? I could almost put up with a re-release if the payback was the DJs at Manumission being badgered into playing it twice a night, every night, for the entire season.

[Story plucked from Emalyse's Twitterfeed]

This week just gone

To mark Mother's Day, here are the ten most popular mum search terms amongst No Rock visitors:

1. Whatever happened to Samantha Mumba (and variants thereof)
2. Samantha Mumba naked (and variants thereof)
3. Mum's gone to Iceland
4. Mum rock
5. It's Just Porn, Mum
6. My two mums
7. Eminem's mum
8. Jarvis Cocker mum conservative
9. Jonathan Ross' mum sacked after 'enders leak
10. Johnny Borrell mum

Amongst other mums, generating a single search each, are Duncan James' mum, Edith Bowman's mum, James Skelly's mum and the slightly confused Janet Ellis Bextor's mum.

You probably should at least investigate this week's releases:


Black Lips - 200 Million Thousand


download 200 Million Thousand



Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Beware



Marianne Faithfull - Easy Come, Easy Go


download Easy Come, Easy Go



Wavvves - Wavvves



Depeche Mode - Music For The Masses
Part of a re-release sweep

Download Depeche Mode back catalogue



Eyeless In Gaza - All Under The Leaves


download All Under The Leaves

Woodstock again?

You'd have thought that after the 30th anniversary event descended into fire, riot and claims of rape that nobody would be bothered about a doing a 40th anniversary Woodstock.

Michael Lang is keen to press on, though. He thinks the smell of acrid fires and sexual assaults has dissipated:

"I think it always hearkens back to the '69 event, somehow," he said. "When people think (of Woodstock) they don't think '99 or '94. They think (of) the '69 event. I think (1999) has its ramifications, but I don't think it did any real damage in that sense."

Yes. They might think of 1969 when they think of Woodstock. But when they think of ill-conceived anniversary revivals of Woodstock, it's always going to be 1999.

It's not going to go ahead unless it can find a sponsor, which perhaps is just intended to be some sort of humorous punchline to the original's much-proclaimed hippy ethos.

Alice In Chains struggle with the 21st century

Sean Kinney, drummer for Alice In Chains, was asked by Crushtor.net about making music in the 21st century:

"It's a world where people steal music and record companies can't sell music. They sort of screwed up. It's such a different time and place; there are so many real unknowns now. It's going to be really cool. . . The great thing is that you can get your music out to a lot of people. But on the flipside, people want it for free. Studio time isn't free; we put a lot of money and effort into what we do. They expect us to be talking to them twenty-four hours a day on blogs and things. It takes the mystery away, I think. We're not from that 'era.' That was never really our 'thing.' It'll be interesting to see how we fit in, if we fit in."

So, let's see if we can get this straight: he loves the internet because you can reach large numbers of people, but he only wants them to be interested when it suits him? He thinks that it's "going to be really cool" but seems to hate all the opportunites that actually make it really cool.

What's really horrible is that - in about three years - we're going to hear the scream as he catches up with Twitter.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Too old for the charts

The Western Mail got incredibly excited at the news that the Pet Shop Boys might have written a song for Shirley Bassey, even although the PSBs didn't make it sound like a record coming to shops near you any time soon:

Pet Shop Boys keyboardist Chris Lowe said: “I didn’t think anyone knew about that.

“Well, we’ve written a song for Shirley Bassey which we’ve heard she likes so that’s all I know.”

But here's the problem: how can the Western Mail make a full story out of a couple of words from Chris Lowe that suggest there's not really much of a story anyway? Is there someone, perhaps, they could call; someone willing to work up analysis out of the throwaway mention that Shirley might have heard a song written by Lowe and Tennant?

HMV music expert Gennaro Castaldo said: “She doesn’t have to worry about getting in the charts anymore, she is past all of that, but she might find it quite appealing in conjunction with the Pet Shop Boys.

“You could be looking at a number one.”

Or possibly a number 37. Or maybe even a song which never sees the light of day.

Still, charming to see that HMV's obsession with bringing in the youth to their stores has reached such Logans Runesque proportions that being a bit older than the average pop star sees you being pegged as "past" wanting to have a record that sells well. It's not as if Chris Lowe is going to be welcomed a Club 18-30 holiday, is it?

Roger Daltrey defends Iggy's insurance spots

BBC News asks Roger Daltrey if selling out isn't so bad after all:

You've just re-released your third album, The Who Sell Out - which attacked the commercialisation of rock. What do you think of people like Iggy Pop making car insurance adverts?

Who cares? Everybody's trying to feed their kids and earn a living. That advert will be gone in two years and people will forget about it. He's still Iggy Pop, he does great performances and he's still a great artist.

It's perhaps unsurprising that Daltrey has no problem with people shuffling from the edge of the counterculture into doing telly spots for financial services products. But he might be kidding himself if thinks nobody will remember them a couple of years on. For example, I can't quite shake the image of, ooh, somebody doing TV spots for American Express from the edge of his trout farm a couple of decades ago...

Drink deep from Justin Timberlake's well

If you'd asked us to come up with a drink product to be marketed under a Justin Timberlake brand, I'd have suggested a weak lemon drink. Or maybe a watery alcopop.

Instead, though, he's decided to start his own tequila. I wouldn't have thought of associating Timberlake with that particular drink, although perhaps "shriveled worm that nobody ever wants to touch" is meant to be the link.

Timbo is calling his booze 901 - which is both his hometown dialling code, and a time:

“that time of night when your evening is ending, but your night is just beginning.”

If you're reaching for the tequila by nine o'clock, your night is probably going nowhere, unless he's thinking of launching a sister product 1017, to represent the time when your concerned friends find you facedown in the toilet cubicle, unable to remember where your trousers were when you saw them last.

The Edge digs a trench

What's most surprising about the coverage of The Edge's alleged despoiling of the environment around his LA home is that people are surprised - after all, it's not like he's not got form for pushing on with redevelopments in the face of local objections. What with the Clarence Hotel being given a "futuristic" look and the hubristic U2 Tower in Dublin, it's not like The Edge has a reputation for being sensitive to the environment when there's a few quid to be made.

And, according to LA Weekly, he's got some grand plans for one of the nicer, wilder bits of the city:

Residents in the Coral and Latigo canyon areas of the Malibu hills are in an uproar over the Edge’s plan to build five homes across a proposed area of nearly 1,000 acres on two key sites, one bordered by the spectacular Latigo Canyon and the other at Serra Retreat.

They're not entirely surprised, though:

Among those most frustrated by the Edge’s plans is Candace Brown, a resident and longtime partner of Malibu mayoral candidate Councilman Jefferson Wagner. She accuses the U2 guitarist of spearheading an overly ostentatious and self-serving development that will upset the ecosystem and create an eyesore of, in her words, oversized “McMansions.”

“They evicted the archery club, which was an institution in Malibu,” says an exasperated Brown of the Edge and his project partners. She says that they also dug a 15-foot trench “the size of three football fields,” and that eyewitnesses have reported seeing wildlife, including deer and fox, trapped in the trench.

It's not believed, though, that The Edge is eating the trapped animals, nor smearing their blood over his face before dancing around under the moon, naked save for the skins of the captured wild creatures.

God alone knows why The Edge needs such a big trench. Perhaps he's burying his money. Or maybe he doesn't trust them modern flushing toilets.

It gets worse, though. Apparently he's going to have a crack at a job usually best reserved for faith - moving mountains:

One disgruntled neighbor, Jim Smith, a building contractor who has looked at the Edge’s plans, estimates that the proposed construction would affect the community for years to come. Smith says that an existing mountain on the property will, in effect, disappear, and that approximately 5,000 truckloads of earth removed from the site would be transported along a road not nearly large enough to handle the load.

The Edge "declined to comment" on the story to LA Weekly, but it's not just his environmental destruction which is upsetting the neighbourhood. He turns out to be a bit of an all-rounder when it comes to knobbish behaviour:

“There was one occasion when his enormous tour bus stopped dead on the road to my house, blocking it. Myself and several other cars had to wait behind it for some time until I became annoyed and approached the window of the bus. I asked the driver to move, though he said I’d have to wait, as he didn’t want to interrupt the Edge and Axl Rose [a fellow Malibu resident], who were in an intense discussion at the back of the bus.”

It's far from clear why The Edge would want to even get involved in building houses. He clearly doesn't need the money. Now, what would be the word for someone who just loves money so much he doesn't care what he has to do to get it?

Vedder fights for Tomorrow

It really is a pity that Pearl Jam sound so bloody awful, as Eddie Vedder really seems a genuinely nice guy who often is right about stuff. Like his attempt to organise support for Tom Tomorrow's This Modern World cartoon.

Tomorrow's strip has been dropped from twelve US alternative weeklies:

“Obviously that means a loss of income for him,” Vedder says. “Perhaps even worse is the lost connection to readers who faithfully turn to Tom and his sardonic penguin Sparky to help them survive the absurdities of the world around us.”
[...]
“When you write, please be polite and respectful,” Vedder asks. “Many of the editors at these papers are friends of the cartoonists we’re supporting... after all, they’re the folks who gave the cartoons a home in the first place. Suspending the work was a corporate decision made during incredibly tough times for all newspapers.”

It's not only Tomorrow who's suffering: Matt Groening's 22 year-old Life In Hell has also been caught up in the cull, as Village Voice Media drops all its syndicated cartoons. And the papers are also losing staff writers. The question might be if there's any alt weeklies left to not publish cartoons in for much longer.

Gordon in the morning: Paint along with GaGa

Gordon shuffles his papers this morning and finds some photos of Lady GaGa:

SPRAY painting palm trees can be an exhausting pastime.

Just ask LADY GAGA.

The curvy chart-topper, clad in tiny black pants and high heels, could only manage a brief ten-minute graffiti session before she had to call it a day.

Hang about - since when did The Sun, scourge of the yob, start to criticise people for not putting in the hours on a vandalism kick? Are we going to see Rebekah Wade running think pieces lamenting that the gang who did the bus shelter down the street could only be arsed to smash two of the four panes of glass?

But hang on... why was GaGa painting trees anyway?

The wacky stunt on Venice Beach in Los Angeles was staged for a photoshoot.

A photoshoot? Really? She wasn't just spraypainting trees and happened to be spotted, then?

In which case, surely she only needed to do it for a few minutes while she was being photographed, didn't she?

Elsewhere, Gordon runs one of those pieces which seems to be cobbled together from a couple of vague facts and a lot of jumping to conclusions - Ricky Wilson ditching music for TV, anyone?:

KAISER CHIEFS are taking a sabbatical after single Good Days Bad Days flopped and frontman Ricky will use the time to try to break into TV.

A source said: "He’s really good on telly. Lots of people have commented on his appearances on music shows and think he comes across well.

"He’s funny and has a good manner. They want to give the band breathing space and I think he could do really well on music or youth TV."

Let's give Gordo the benefit of the doubt and assume that there really was a source and it wasn't just Pete Samson muttering something as he passed by the desk: wouldn't giving at least some sort of indication who this source might be, or what their background is, help in allowing us to work out if it's significant that the "source" thinks Wilson would be good on TV?

Because if it's someone like a controller of a channel, or a seasoned producer, that would mean something. But if it's Wilson's mum, then "I reckon he'd be great" becomes a lot less significant.

And since when would someone say "he could be a good TV presenter" only do so on the condition of anonymity? Unless, you know, you were merely allowing Wilson's agent to dictate the contents of your column in a bid to try and find their client some work. But that's not going to happen to a proper columnist, is it?

SXSW 2009: Enter Shikari, pursued by fans

The beautiful-and-discerning Enter Shikari couldn't have had a better time at SXSW if they had been covered in cream frosting and jam: NME reports queues round the block as they played Emos.

Also having a good SXSW is Graham Coxon; having a bad SXSW are AT&T, as the combination of SXSWi geeks and SXSW music hipsters brought a slew of iPhones to Austin, taking down the only network on which they work.

Rolling Stone has been thrilled by Circle Jerks and the Dicks:

When the Dicks hit the stage — a little chubbier and grayer than they were in the ’80s — pot-bellied lead singer Gary Floyd offered these words of thanks: “For me, to thank the little people is very easy.”

Rolling Stone is having a go at cultural institutions for getting flabby and grey? Mote-and-beam, surely?

Amongst the kindaexclusives gathered between sets and Mexican food, the LA Times discovered that Devo are about "half-way through" their next album. Since they've already had 19 years to work on it, we'll expect that in 2028, then.

And the Associated Press spoke to Big Boi about his debut solo album. What's it going to sound like, Mr. Boi?

"They can't put Big Boi in a category. Rock, funk, blues, soul, gospel — some of everything."

That's a problem, though, as in that case the record shops are just going to have to pile the CDs in the middle of the floor. Unless they have a section marked 'Hip hop acts who think that putting a few guitars on the record makes them into Jonathan Miller'.

Twittergem: Danrebellato

Pete Waterman: "I spent 3 months trying to find out what a 'Venga Bus' was". 3 months? What form do we think this investigation took?

- from twittercom/danrebellato

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet: SXSW

It's worth keeping an eye on Mark McNulty's photoblog - he's in Austin, but taking photos of stuff away from the stages. (He'll be doing the bands too, though.)

Beatles only: Dhani Harrison suggests private shop

Still convinced that there's an enormous market for Beatles downloads, Dhani Harrison has been suggesting that the estates & survivors of The Beatles might eschew iTunes and the other altogether and create their own store:

It seems they’re mulling going it alone with a Beatles digital store, rather than signing on with iTunes. “We’re losing money every day, so what do you do?” he says. “You have to have your own delivery system, or you have to do a good deal with Steve Jobs… [Jobs] says that a download is worth 99 cents, and we disagree.”

You're right, Dhani - given that Freemantle Media are suggesting that the sweet spot for TV programme downloads might well be five pence, or 7.5 cents, it really does sound like Jobs is able to artificially inflate prices.

Oh, you didn't mean that you thought Apple were overpricing, did you?

Harrison says he’s the most tech-savvy person at Apple Corps

That's kind of ominous - if he's the smartest guy in the room, and can't see that iTunes manages to eke a premium out of downloads through the store's ease and range and convenience, if he really believes that Maxwell's Silver Hammer has a per download value of more than a dollar a pop, it sounds like Apple could be losing money every day for quite a while longer.

Gordon in the morning: Death and drink

Much of the online version of Bizarre is given over to Natasha Richardson this morning - for the third day running, though, the coverage is built on the "wife of the more famous Liam Neeson" platform, although the paper has also remembered there's a crucial Lindsay Lohan angle. If you relied on The Sun, you'd come away thinking "it's terrible about Liam Neeson's wife - and did you know she used to make the occasional light comedy in her own right back in the day?"

There's also room found for yet more coverage of the last days of Jade Goody. Indeed, with all this real death around, John Squire's artwork referring to descerating the grave of the Stone Roses isn't appearing in the happiest of contexts.

Elsewhere, it's business as usual. Apparently Lily Allen hasn't really given up drinking. And Amy Winehouse hasn't really given up drinking again. Last summer the Sun's leader column was insisting that parents should teach kids about responsible drinking, wasn't it? How would 'getting drunk and falling over makes you famous' fit in with that education aim, exactly?

Still, it's not all death and hangovers. Cristiano Ronaldo (who apparently plays football for a job) has decided he'd like to become a pop singer when he has to get a proper job.

Hang about - has he really, Gordon?

Ronaldo says: “Somebody mentioned to me a few years ago that it would be a great idea if myself, the Brazilian Ronaldo and Ronaldinho made a band called The Three Rs."

He went on: “I loved the idea, it was so funny. I’ll mention it to them when I retire, we might even have a No1.”

Ah - so it would be a joke, then. He's joking, Gordon.

He adds: “I don’t know what the other two would like to do but it would be brilliant if I was lead singer.

“You never know, I will have to do something after football.”

He's joking, Gordon. It's a... oh, what's the point?

Why there should be no concerns about LiveNation and Ticketmaster merging

After all, it's not like you can't trust them, is it?

Take, for example, their work in New Jersey, where LiveNation decided to bring in a six dollar parking fee per ticket for the PNC Bank Arts Center.

Yes, that's six dollars per ticket. So if four of you go to a gig in the same car, you end up paying twenty four dollars for parking.

The New York Daily News asked why everyone was charged six bucks to park a car - even if they intended to arrive at the venue by taxi, or on foot, or by hovershoes. So LiveNation took the six dollar parking fee off.

And, erm, put the prices of all tickets up by six bucks instead.

And then, when that was noticed, reintroduced the parking fee.

LiveNation reckons it's always been there, though:

"We have always operated under a system at PNC Bank Arts Center where parking is charged as a per-ticket fee. This policy is in place to alleviate traffic issues ... to ensure that all fans can enter the venue in a timely and safe manner," a spokesman said.

Really? How exactly does charging every single person going six dollars "alleiviate traffic issues"? How does a flat fee have any influence on people entering the venue in a timely or safe way?

If the idea was to use a fee to control the flow of cars arriving at the venue, wouldn't you have to make the fee voluntarily? Because otherwise, if people are foreced to pay a parking fee, won't they think 'if I've paid for it, I might as well use it' and be more likely to drive?

Of course, LiveNation know this. Their spokesman knows that his explanation makes no sense. But it's not like he's going to admit "yeah, we're grabbing cash because we're chiselers. What you gonna do about it?"

Do you see what Snoop Dogg has done there?

It's not so long ago that newspapers campaigned to keep Snoop Dogg out the country because he was "a sick bastard". Now that he's spoofing Slumdog Millionaire with Snoop Dogg Millionaire - for all the world like a closing number on the Two Ronnies - he's asking to be turned back from Heathrow on grounds of taste.

Commercial radio: it's not going to live forever

The Guardian's Changing Media summit today had a poke at the state of the UK's commercial radio sector and made a sucking noise:

UK commercial radio 'dying out'

That was the gloomy headline, although it's not quite as bad as it sounds:

Commercial radio could die out within 15 to 20 years as advertising revenues dwindle, the MediaGuardian Changing Media Summit heard today.

Claire Enders, the founder of Enders Analysis, made the prediction, pointing to the large number of radio stations in the UK that are currently unprofitable.

In twenty years? Seriously? In twenty years we're all going to have music and news weeped straight into our faces by highly trained, internet-connected fact bats, so predicting there might not be a space for thirty thousand variants of Heart FM isn't quite so daring.

She said revenues from classified, online and search advertising all outstripped those from radio, and that advertising agencies were tuning out of the medium.

"There is a next generation of people in agencies who are not that keen on radio," she said."

Which is unfortunate, as - listening to commercial radio - there also appears to be a generation of people in radio who are not that keen on radio.

Clive Dickens, out of that station that used to be Virgin, reckons he knows what the problem is:

"As an operator who has been in the sector with this brand for five months, [I would say] a whole range of failed models – plc models – have failed to grasp what consumers wanted: extended choice not upgraded sets," he said.

"Greater choice in the first seven years [of digital radio] came from the BBC. As someone operating for five months, I say watch this space."

Dickens is keen to stress that he's only been doing it for five months, but he's being modest: in that time, he's managed to chase away audience in numbers that some more seasoned heads would take years to lose.

Is it true that audiences want more choice, though? Isn't it that they want to feel a connection with the station they listen to, and most of the UK's commercial sector has been busily losing the valuable sense of connection by turning well-loved local brands into centralised, one-size-fits-all megabrands?

Nirvana untouched: Plans to work Cobain's corpse flops

Back in 2006, Courtney Love did a deal bringing in a company called Primary Wave Music Publishing to work on the Nirvana back catalogue. They paid her fifty million dollars, with the plan of using the songs to soundtrack adverts and video games.

It hasn't been a staggering success, with the company having managed to scrape a return of a little under two and a half million.

Why so? Partly because it's Nirvana - you're not really going to get that many supermarket chains lining up to use Polly as a soundtrack for their ad spots, are you?

And partly - perhaps more so - because Primary Wave only controlled 50% of the catalogue; the other 50% was controlled by Love and the rest of the band:

A source told Portfolio that one deal to license a number of NIRVANA songs for a special episode of "CSI: Miami", that would be written around the music, collapsed when Love, the publisher and former members of NIRVANA asked for "twice the industry standard" in licensing fees, leading CBS-TV to back off.

At least Courtney didn't insist on writing the episode of CSI. CBS should thank its lucky stars it didn't spend weeks taking delivery of small pieces of paper with the words "plottKILLRy ANADAms" scrawled all over.