Angry nuns against Katy Perry

The story of a group of nuns in LA who have sold their convent to a restauranteur, at the same time as the Church has sold it to somebody else, would be entertaining enough without the added extra that the Church has flogged the building to Katy Perry.

The nuns have now gone to court in a bid to stop Perry getting her hands on their private quarters.

"Well, this ranch certainly impressed Suzy and Tim, but can it beat the cottage in the Lake District that Johnnie showed them?"

It feels like Neverland ranch is constantly at the centre of about to be sold stories - even when Jackson was still doing what I guess we can best understand as "sort-of-alive" it was repeatedly being refinanced or eyed as part of a possible firesale, but this time round there's a snooty statement from an auctioneer:

The estate agents have warned off fans hoping to get a glimpse inside the piece of Jackson history, telling the Wall Street Journal anyone wanting to view the property would be subject to "extensive prequalification".
"We're not going to be giving tours," said Suzanne Perkins of Sotheby's International Realty.

I'm not quite sure what the "extensive prequalification" will consist of, but suspect it's going to involve some sort of wallet weighing.

Selling Houses with Papa Roach

Here's a lovely story of domestic bliss: Papa Roach's Jacoby Shaddix has sold his house, and his realtor is delighted:

Elizabeth Glyzweski of Lyon Real Estate, who worked on the sale with partner Anthony Metz, also of Lyon, said the touches Shaddix and his wife Kelly added to the home helped it sell.

“Every time they’ve purchased a home, they made it fabulous,” Glyzewski said.

And why is Shaddix moving? Is it to get closer to a hellmouth? Is it he needs more space for his monsters of annihilation in the backyard? Does he just need somewhere he can rock out louder?

But not only was the house in far better shape than one might expect from a former rock star owner, the couple moved for a very everyday, domestic reason: They wanted to be closer to the school their kids are attending.

Ah, by day, a beat-pumping rock beast bellowing about Hollywood whores; by night, a sharp-elbowed parent juggling league tables and catchment areas.

Homes under the hammer

Coming to the property market: Neverland, Michael Jackson's old home (or Six Flags Xanadu, as it'd have been more appropriate to call it).

It was once a toy town wilderness, complete with carnival rides, artificial lake and a zoo that housed a five-tonne elephant and an orangutan named Patrick.

Now Michael Jackson's famed Neverland Ranch is up for sale for the first time since it was acquired by the King of Pop in 1988 and, despite being valued at $30m (£18m) by California property experts, could sell for between $75m and $85m.

Yes, because who wouldn't want to pay nearly treble the value of an already overpriced house on the off-chance there might be skeletons buried underneath the master bedroom ("for its links to one of the most famous celebrities of the 1980s")?

The funfair has been taken out and replaced with a "zen garden", but they still reckon just upkeep will cost the new owner five million dollars a year.

But there's almost certainly no ghosts of small children haunting the place, so that's an upside.

If the idea of a place where a rich man abused kids and got away with it isn't for you, how about the former home of an angry flying man?

John Denver's Aspen home is on the market:

The main house (6 bedrooms)and the guest house (5 bedrooms)are on two separately deeded lots with separate entrances and driveways but has a lovely walking path between the two featuring the red mountain ditch gurgling along the way.

I think I'd be nervous about anything in the Colorado mountains that has a small stream gurgling away, what with how Colorado floods so easily, but it'd be worth the risk of the views.

Adele selling house: vacant, possession

In other property news, Adele is flogging off her Sussex mansion:

Singer Adele puts her ‘haunted’ house in Partridge Green up for sale

Wow. Haunted? Really, The Evening Argus?

Adele famously gave a US TV host a guided tour of the mansion in 2012 but also reportedly believed it was haunted.

She told 60 Minutes presenter Anderson Cooper that one corridor in particular was “quite scary really”.

By the way, "Adele's Scary Corridor" is a great option if you're looking to give a Shambling Revival band a name.

So not really haunted, then, just a corridor. Anything else?

She also claimed to have heard strange noises in part of the building which used to be a convent – so she reportedly paid a bodyguard £100,000 to stay with her in the listed building.

What, exactly, would be the point of a bodyguard if you've got a ghost nun clattering about your vestibule? You'd want a Ghostbuster, or at the very least an exorcist.

The house is on at six million, but Kirstie and Phil suggest you should be able to get at least ten per cent off to cover the costs of cleaning the ectoplasm off the hardwood floors.

Liam Gallagher is selling up

Trouser-magnate and former Beatles tribute star Liam Gallagher is selling his home on Central Park:

You can have your own little “oasis,” if you purchase Liam Gallagher’s two-bedroom, 2½-bathroom, 1,575-square-foot condo, which is on the market for $4 million.

The ’90s British rock star who started the band Oasis with his brother Noel is putting his 17th-floor unit at the Essex House at 160 Central Park on the market.

For someone who strutted about believing he was a reboot of John Lennon, you've got to admit that buying a flat on the skirt of Central Park does take a certain degree of guts.

The flat apparently has a 40-bottle wine cooler and maid and valet service. Man of the people.

Kurt Cobain's house on the block now on the block

Oh, Sarah Beeney. Oh, Martin off of Homes Under The Hammer. You think you know how to add value to property, but have you ever managed to make a $67,000 house increase in value to $500,000?

All you need to do is have Kurt Cobain grow up there. And maybe update the tired carpet in second bedroom.

Cobain's mother is selling the place, mattress and all:

"We've decided to sell the home to create a legacy for Kurt, and yes, there are some mixed feelings since we have all loved the home and it carries so many great memories," Cobain's sister, Kim Cobain, said in an emailed statement.

"But our family has moved on from Washington, and (we) feel it's time to let go of the home."

Martin off Homes Under The Hammer writes: Of course, not every developer can have Kurt Cobain in the attic bedroom adding value, but later in the programme we'll be meeting Kevin and Keveena to see if their plan of installing Eddie Vedder in the family bathroom has helped them make a profit on their Camberley terrace house."

Shocking news from East Grinstead

Oh no!

Yes, there are "For Sale" signs outside Peter Andre's house, and East Grinstead is in pre-emptive mourning:

The news will undoubtedly come as a shock to the pop star's legion of fans who had grown used to spotting him in and around the town.

Strictly speaking, Andre lives in Dormansland, which isn't even in the same county. But given that he's not bothered the Top Ten since 2009, Andre's not really a pop star, either.

Gordon in the morning: Estate agency

Harry Styles is thinking of buying a house. Oh, but there's a worry:

The ONE DIRECTION star is having second thoughts about moving to a £3million north London mansion said to be haunted by the ghost of Dick Turpin.

Harry’s not fussed about the ghostly presence inside – just the boozy punters making their way home from the pub next door.

A source said: “Harry loves the area and the house but is a bit unsure about the pub.

“He’s been advised that it could affect the sell-on value as potential buyers may be put off by having a boozer so close.

“He’s very business-minded and appreciates it could be a bad move long-term.”

He's very business-minded, and yet doesn't seem able to work out that if there's a pub there now, it's reflected in the price, which would cancel out the effect of there being a pub there when he comes to re-sell. It would only be a problem if the pub opened up after he bought it.

And, sadly, we live in times where pubs are more likely to close down than open up.

The Prez des res

Want to live in Elvis' house? Not the one where he died, but his Beverley Hills pad. It's just come on the market at $12.5million.

For that, you do get a home with five bathrooms - handy if a music legend has died on one, I guess - and a lot of land.

But can the agents resist the temptation to sneak an Elvis pun into the listings?

A private master suite features a large master bath and expansive closet space – plenty of room for shoes. Perhaps some blue suede ones?

No.

Gordon in the morning: An Englishman in New York

Liam Gallagher is buying a home in America, reports Gordon. Sorry, did I say "home"?

LIAM Gallagher is taking his bid to crack America so seriously that he’s bought a gaff there.

A gaff. I suppose we're lucky he didn't call it a sweet, sweet crib.

I'm not entirely sure "buying an overpriced flat" really shows a desire to crack America in the way that, say, appearing on a never-ending slew of regional breakfast TV shows and playing a number of smaller venues in the sort of States that tend to score well when they're answers on Pointless. But no matter.

Ooh, Gordon - can you crowbar in a reference to Liam's awful fashion range before we all move on?

The apartment also comes with wine cooler for 40 bottles, an in-building laundry and valet plus 24-hour room service.

These days, he’ll no doubt be putting in requests for his Pretty Green mac to be dry-cleaned.

Thank you.

Bob Geldof wants you to put your money into bricks and mortar

Like his chum Bono, Bob Geldof isn't just interested in equality and aid; He's also fascinated with making a quick buck out of property.

He's turned up to push a thing called Progressive Property - shill is such an ugly word, isn't it, so let's use that. He shills in the least attractive way possible, by claiming that land-grabbing is exactly what Gandi would do. PlanetyPropetyBlog raises an eyebrow:

They’re a bit like ... Gandhi (I swear, I’m not making this up!)... who, as we all know, was famous for preaching the redeeming qualities of buying Below Market Value.

Then he goes on to laud Germany for its relatively stable housing market – it’s not a casino economy based on property says Bob, because lots of people rent and rents are capped by the Government (“not something you want to hear”, he admits).

Ooops. Quickly changing tack, he then gets back to the flattering stuff (you’re all great entrepreneurs who will save the country!) and slags off the banks for not lending money to property investors and for giving themselves big bonuses.

Hmm. You can watch the full video here; it's rather long and a bit rambling, but in short: free Daily Expresses and Bic-style razors all round...

Gordon in the morning: The upside of negative equity

Something we all can enjoy: Robbie Williams has lost a pile selling his Wiltshire house:

It was little more than a year ago he bought his Wiltshire mansion for £8.2m and it is now being touted on the market for "just" £7.5m.

Still, on the plus side he won't have to pay upfront for a HIPS survey, so that's a few quid he's saved.

In other news, Gordon's busily choosing a hat for the wedding of Nicole Sherzinger and Lewis Hamilton, who he reckons are about to get engaged.

You remember Nicole and Lewis; they were the couple who Gordon exclusively revealed had split up a few weeks back.

Gordon in the morning: N-Dubz on the move

Starting a rubbish piece about N-Dubz moving house, Gordon clears his throat:

N-DUBZ will forever be remembered as those scamps from Camden in north London.

Well... if by "forever" you mean "at least until the back end of next weekend", and by "those scamps from Camden" you mean "like Cabbage Patch dolls allowed to make pop videos", you're on the money, Gordon.

Ministry Of Sound under threat

If the National Trust have the time and the energy after dealing with Abbey Road, they might have to move on to protecting the Ministry Of Sound. There are Homes Under The Hammer types measuring up to put in flatlets and modern-style bedsits over the street:

The dance club, which has been running for 18 years in Southwark, is in danger of losing its license if proposals are approved by Isle Of Man developer Oakmayne to build a residential building opposite the club.

It would seem a bit of a cheek to put homes opposite an established nightclub and then block the club's licence because it might disturb the sleep of people who moved in there. MOS ain't happy:

Ministry Of Sound Group CEO Lohan Presencer said: "When Oakmayne told us that 'nightclubs come and go', we were horrified.

"Ministry of Sound is not just any nightclub, it’s the most famous nightclub in the world and the heart of a global entertainment business. We must do everything in our power to save our club and our business."

It's not the most famous club in the world, you silly, but it is quite well known. And, frankly, the existence of the club hardly seems to connect in any way to the rest of the business - which is about releasing tatty compilations and workout DVDs.

Even so, it seems totally unfair that new neighbours can move in and close a club down. You'd have to support Ministry Of Sound on this. Unless the whole protest is merely a ploy to try and persuade the developers to buy the MOS building too.

Gordon in the morning: Steady, there

Gordon's a little excited this morning:

ASTON MERRYGOLD did somersaults and gave the girls a glimpse of his oiled six-pack performing at radio station Key 103's Jingle Ball in Manchester on Wednesday.

Deep breaths, Gordon, deep breaths.

In other Gordon news, Mick Hucknall is embarking on a long legal battle to stop his neighbour going onto his land. He could save his money by just putting loudspeakers round the boundary which play bits of his back catalogue?

Rihanna and her neighbours

Turbulent times in the Los Angeles real estate market - Rihanna found herself being sued by a neighbour who found her noisy and unpleasant. Now, her landlord is counter-suing the neighbour, claiming that if next door hadn't been shouting and yelling at Rihanna all the time, she would have bought the house off him.

The landlord wants the profits he would have made from the deal, although surely going so very, very public with an announcement that the people living next door to a house you're trying to sell is going to cost you more in the long run?

Gordon in the morning: Even a "look, it's a belly" punchline can't cheer him up

This morning, Gordon is worried about a mate. Or, rather, someone who he has had his photo taken with, but that's kind of a mate, isn't it? In fact, being in photos with people is better than being real mates as you don't have to worry about what to get them for Christmas or anything, while you can still show people pictures of you with them and everyone will assume you're tight with them.

Anyway, Gordon's worried about James Corden, on account of how the clouds are starting to gather:

IF Family Fortunes asked 100 people to name a popular, chipper, chubby comedian, JAMES CORDEN would be the top answer.

But the big lad from Gavin & Stacey has recently been far from the bubbly Smithy the nation has grown to love.

Big Jim hit rock bottom last week after taking to heart brutal criticism of his new TV comedy sketch show Horne & Corden.

If the nation has grown to love him, how does that square with him being criticised into feeling miserable? I know the United Kingdom can be a complicated place to track emotion - you never find out that you were a national treasure until you get bad news from the doctor - but that sounds awkwardly complicated even for us.

Gordon knows James is down because a mate told him. The sort of mate who runs to the papers to let them know that you're having a bad day. That sort of mate:

A mate said: “James is having a real crisis of confidence at the moment. He has been worried that the honeymoon period has come to an end.

“It’s the first time since everything kicked off for him that the non-stop good times have really turned bad.

“He has been depressed because he feels it has all been a bit personal."

Well, yes, the criticism has been a bit personal, what with the writing-and-starring-in-a-comedy-show-named-after-you nature of the work.

Gordon then goes on to churn through the setbacks that Horne's had recently - although neglects to mention "nation screaming 'don't you bloody dare' when the idea of launching a band was floated" - before offering some sparks of comfort:

Lesbian Vampire Killers, James’s recently released flick with Mat, has bagged £1million in its first week.

Although, of course, the reviews for it made the mauling Horne & Corden got look like a Chinese Burn. And it seems to be trailing behind Mall Cop right now. It's hard to imagine James Corden is going to cheer up thinking that people would rather watch a man called Blart than his movie.

As I revealed a couple of months ago, James has also landed a leading role in the Hollywood remake of Gulliver’s Travels.

Although the IMDB has yet to add him in to their cast list. And since he's not Gulliver, or Gulliver's wife, it's not entirely clear quite how leading he was.

James and Mat got through hosting this year’s Brits unscathed — where bigger names have come tumbling down.

Yes, James: hold on to the smattering of polite applause.

On top of that, Gavin & Stacey has been commissioned for a third series, with a Christmas special to boot.

Yes... stick with the sitcom. The public like the sitcom. You've got a sitcom.

And Gordon points out that James isn't entirely alone:

In her absence a man who is no stranger to controversy and the occasional bad review has been offering his new chum some support through the bad times — JONATHAN ROSS.

Rossy. Rossy will help you through.

Jonathan Ross cheering up a guy stuck in a sitcom, wishing he could be thought of as more than just a punchline, being accused of spreading himself too thinly, getting a critical mauling. Why does that sound so familiar?

Also today, Gordon has the scoop on where Michael Jackson will be staying during his three year residency in Camden:

THRILLER star MICHAEL JACKSON will stay next to HAUNTED CAVES during his 50-concert stint in London this summer.

Jacko, 50, has paid £1million to rent a 28-bedroom Kent mansion on the edge of an ancient 22-mile maze of spooky passageways.

Let's hope there's a spooky passageway linking Kent to Essex, as it's only a couple of weeks since Gordon claimed Jackson was renting Rod Stewart's mansion to stay in.

The UK building industry theme-time radio hour

Somewhat oddly, Tim Wheeler (not the one out of Ash) has tried to explain the current state of the UK property market by, erm, quoting Bob Dylan:

Tim Wheeler, chief executive of Brixton, turned to Bob Dylan on Tuesday to help explain the outlook for the UK property market.

Mr Wheeler said the opening lines of the American songwriter’s All Along the Watchtower “seem to capture the beleaguered mindset of the UK commercial real estate market”.

The song, more famously recorded by Jimi Hendrix, says of land that none “know what any of it is worth”.
[...]
Mr Wheeler said that the fundamental problem was how to assess property values when “there is no real depth of buyers and sellers”. Referring to the lines in the song, “there must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief,” he said “if the ‘thieves’ are the funded or equity based opportunist buyers and the ‘jokers’ are the owners who won’t sell, there is ‘no way’ out of this impasse – yet.”

Wheeler's head actually exploded when he attempted to find a line in the song that could be used to illustrate the idea that by not committing to a stamp duty holiday, Alistair Darling has made the problem worse.

Gordon in the morning: Barry Norman makes his own pickled onions

Now, it could be that Guy Ritchie's new film RocknRolla is a brilliant movie. But the decision to give first sight to the soft-landing of the easily-impressed Gordon Smart doesn't bode well.

Of course, Smart - delighted to have been asked to see it - gives it a great big gush:

GUY RITCHIE’s brilliant new gangster movie RocknRolla is about to hit our cinemas.

And on Friday night I had the pleasure of being one of the first to see it.

I spent the evening in the company of a millionaire Russian, some Cockney gangsters, a sexy, corrupt accountant, a charming Scottish thug and some junkies.

No, no - not the Showbiz Squad. In the movie, you see.

If that wasn’t enough for a decent night out, Guy had a beer with me to toast his latest movie.

Why, you might wonder, that odd construction of the sentence of "to toast his latest movie"? Simply to stack up the headline:

Rolla toaster

Gordon attempts to explain what he's so excited about. Not hanging out with the man who sometimes has sex with Madonna, oh no. It's the film:

Russians buying up top London property with their deep pockets is Guy’s latest interest.

A serious worry for Guy - if the Russians start buying up property, what will be left for his wife to hoover up?

One of the best things is that the film has a To Be Continued ending, so a cast of criminals are ready to be unleashed again.

Apparently Guy has "sketched out" plans for a pair of sequels - which sounds more detailed than the finished plot of Snatch.

Elsewhere, it's almost as if Smart has started parodying himself. Yesterday, you'll recall, he was praising Noel Gallagher for enjoying a takeaway. Today, he's having a go at Kanye West for appearing to have enjoyed a takeaway:

KANYE WEST is opening a chain of burger joints in Chicago and, judging by this snap of the rapper in Hawaii, he’s been testing the menu.

The long-lens, utterly pointless snap, barely shows a belly at all. I suppose the kindest thing you can say is that it's equitable of Gordon to pay as much attention to half-naked men as he does to half-naked women:

His rap rival 50 CENT goes out of his way to show off his six-pack. This’ll be why Kanye doesn’t.

Or perhaps a little more attention.