No Rock And Roll Fun

POP PAPERS ON WEDNESDAY 3/4/02:
or, rather, and mainly, what the nme is up to; if only because tarrying with other titles would mean I'd have the cover (Liam with a crucifix in his mouth, stubble a la George Michael circa three years after it was fashionable and ladies Reactolite Rapides) gooning up at me for longer...

page three is given over to the news that Fisherspooner have signed for a £2million sum to Ministry. Is this an april fool's spoof? Or is it really time for a sigue sigue sputnik revival?...

julian casablancas punched the lights out of someone from his own record company and the band want to hear ryan adam's cover of all of Is This It; Asher D might have a top ten hit while being inside for waving a gun at a traffic warden; slipknot are appearing in this month's Viz; the nme prints a cut out and keep list of emi acts since "any could be due for the chop" - well, yes, nme, but shouldn't you do some journalism and suggest who *might* be in trouble, since you include Kylie in the list, you buffoons; there's nothing cynical at all about the proposed new order remake of world in motion with david beckham - and, of course, nothing to do with a soft way of preparing the ground for ole Mr. Posh's already-recorded album, is it?; the week after the nme stated that it was unlikely the so solids would ever play in the UK again, the nme reports that, um, they're playing belfast; and Muse are planning to release a single in the summer. So that's the long term weather forecast: intensely grim, then...

gossip without names: boyband member being targetted by fading star; superstar sulks after being denied cocaine; frontman now has drugs "deal" with a proper doctor...

on bands: pay as u go cartel - it's the mini so solids; the bellrays - scuzzpunk with singing lady; james yorkston and the atheletes - appears to be classic Thames sitcom Shelley set to music. Not in a good way...

"Mali music is as exciting as punk. This is the first time I've felt I'm part of something that's really going to change music" opines Damon Albarn, apparently not having noticed that Kershaw, Eno, Simon and about three million other people have already been there. Someone send the boy some tapes of Big World Cafe...

the vines are sick. in the head. they say so themselves. Singer Craig got so obsessed with music, he forgot to eat...

cooper temple clause do burn it - sticking add n to (x), kraftwerk and the edible five foot smiths onto their imaginary cd...

"Noise has a lot to do with sex. Women scream when they have an orgasm, so thats why I like riot grrl. Things like Destiny's Child are just repressed sexuality. It happens with boys and men, too. I feel embarrassed for them when I listen to Stereophonics or Coldplay. That's not music for men. It's music for sissies." Ooooh, Alec Empire, you were going so well, then you had to condemn the sissies to a life listening to 'yellow', didn't you?...

but seriously, the fact alec gets a page and a half, while liam gets four sums up exactly how far off the ball the nme has it's eyes these days. And, frankly, Jason Fox is one fox that badly needs hunting down (clever, eh? oh, please yourselves) - had he actually seen the Hindu Times video before he committed himself to describing it as "A clockwork Oasis" - it's some black and white soundcheck-style footage with the occasional flash of the phrase 'Bombs' and 'Pills.' It's not political in the least, although clearly it wishes it was. Fox then describes the album name "Heathen Chemistry" as "heroic", and takes at face value Andy bell's description of it being "like the White album." Clearly, this is a man who came to write a hagiography, and a hagiography he would wring from magic such as an anecdote about Liam throwing up while drinking with Richard Ashcroft, going to watch Travis and so on. Interestingly, Liam describes his audience as "the kids", seemingly unaware that his audience, like the band themselves, are now reaching the age of paunches, of pushchairs, and that they embrace the concept of a gig in the park precisely because it won't end too late, and they can get back before the babysitter gets her boyfriend in the shower. Liam, see, has no ability to process - he still thinks Lydon is cool, because he turns up at awards shows and berates those assembled there, missing the point that Lydon is turning up to accept the awards from the people he affects to deride. Still, at least Lydon used to have it. twenty five years on from the Pistol's punt up the Thames to mark the Silver, Liam is asked to comment on the Golden Jubilee. What will this voice of a generation come up with? "I'll be having a rather large shit that day." Fox reckons Liam *is* rock and roll. And he might be right - rock is a past it, ideas-free, inarticulate irrelevancy right now...

albums: badly draw boy - about a boy ost ("hits the heights", 8); Luke Slater - alright on top ("you need this in your life", 8); pet shop boys - release ("worst album to date", 4); 24 hour party people OST ("if the other two already mean anything to you, don't bother", 8)...

sotw: hoobastank - crawling in the dark ("why paul left s club 7 to join a metal band"); wsotw: flicknife ricksahw - spring collection 02 ("carter usm - only worse")...

live - system of a down in birmingham ("visions of sky-rending apocalyptica"); marianne faithfull in london ("the songs largely ruin one's enjoyment of the evening"); weezer in manchester ("the best stuff's right here")

next week there's a free cd. oh, and a free oasis poster. the week after, a colouring book. Probably.