No Rock And Roll Fun

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME - SORT OF: What the pop papers say, 10/4/2002:
yes, in a moment, live, here, we'll be opening our bag that the nme has come in to see if my free Oasis poster is one of the fifty signed ones - apparently after that Liam forgot to spell his name. How exciting is that, then?...

anyway, although there will still be pop papers next week (no groaning, please), this is the last one ever which has a name that speaks truth. for, as you know, next week there will be no more pop papers, only pop magazines, and a bit of us all have died. nobody say nothing about how the reduction in size probably has as much to do with saving on newsprint costs as it does getting a "good" position on the newsstands - after all, look how that worked for the melody maker...

this week's private eye (which could start to produce a smaller edition and call it Inch high Private Eye) reviews Tony Wilson's admittedly headfucking novel based on the film of his life, and gets all vexed because it doesn't know what is real and what is just made up. Sigh. Obviously Tony is no Jeanette Winterson, but surely someone in the Gnome's employ has heard the dictum "There is no such thing as autobiography - there is just art and lies"? My god, if the literary pages of the Eye ever stumble across Popbitch, they'll throw a goose in their knapsack with the lies, lies, lies entwined with the truth...

okay... small roll on the drums... let's see if bsn has won... no. shame. sadly, I shall have to destroy a poster untouched by them. grrr. another free gift, however, is nicer: a heavenly CD - with the Doves, Beth Orton, Manics and - oh yes - Flowered Up's 'Its on.' Any one of these tracks is worth everything Liam has ever signed, and more...

there's also a paper in there, too - Doves have the honour of being the last decent sized picture in the nme, ever (again, though, the ugly band get a cover because its not visible on the newsstands...)

page three screams "New Primal Scream Album to bomb in the US" - 'Bomb the pentagon track may lead to stateside blacklisting post September 11th.' The crucial word here is "may", as this is a total non-story. The sole fact is that the band are going to include a version of Bomb the Pentagon on their new album. Which isn't even due for release in the US as they don't have a deal there. They've not even bothered to raise the issue with any American labels, or the state department, or even the band. Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy journalism, and especially shameful to be barking up non stories off the back of September 11th...

other news: "the nme can reveal" Robbie is doing that G'N'R thing that we banged on about last week; Liam is back on the booze, and probably going to piss away another tour; So solid are going to hold their own festival - well, they won't need security, will they? they can do their own; Dr Dre says that R Kelly better not be on *that* tape - "If you touch a kid, that's it, you're over" - um, unless you reach a healthy out of court settlement, eh, Michael?; Phil from Radiohead is running in the London Marathon - apparently he wants to ask Jimmy Saville some questions; we don't often say fairplay to the nme so gold star for actually bothering to mention in a bit about what parts of britney are sponsored that they're AOL's whores. Although they do seem to think that Britney's endorsement of milk was something to do with her tits; talking of shite bands named after band members: Shaun William Ryder...

popbitch stories they pinched, but wouldn't provide names for: hairy and hot tipped rock newcomers are "secret Christians"; brit band festival rates slump; art-rock band with lead singer smack problems (erm - all of them?)...

on bands: emo types Save The Day; Vue - san fran band with one non-man; and blackpool towers The Shining...

run for your lives: most downloaded ringtone from nme.com this week is the bloody hindu times. Prepare your "Who's phone's got the abba ringtone" gag now...

Idlewild threaten to eat Mark Beaumont in the course of a ramble around Scotland. They don't though. Bah. The new album is about a sense of identity you can't understand, which is good news; Roddy doesn't slag around on tour, which is bad...

Morisette! The Sugababes announcing that "I don't think the whole world should start doing the bootleg thing now. That would just kill the flow" - which is splendid, because (i) you don't think that your cover of 'we don't give a damn about our friends' - a cover of a fucking bootleg - might already be a sign that the underground has already been shrinkwrapped and ready-rolled? and (ii) hurrah! finally, a music scene that really is more indie-schmindie than indie - "we can do it, but if you do it - it's shit"...

Chicks on Speed are, apparently, electroclash - which seems wrong to us. And, personally, we'd have our doubts about ladytron being described as part of a scene that we're not entirely sure actually exists. Interesting pisspoor journalism: Fischerspooner are described as having signed their two million deal with Ministry of Sound "in February, in a blaze of publicity" - um, how come the nme only reported it in April, then? Did the blaze of publicity not burn bright enough for the paper to notice, or is this just wrong? And am I the only person who feels the Fischerspooner are like the London Theatre of Brent doing Romo?...

"This time, we had confidence, and you can hear that" claim the Doves. What? No more mumbling?...

album reviews: damon goes to mali thingy ("You don't have to be WOMAD to work there, but it helps", 6 - it also politely points out that this time last year, Albarn was pushing an album of Icelandic music); Girls against boys - you can't fight... ("dangerously close to getting what they deserve", post-strokes, 6); I Am Sam OST ("Nick Cave [covers] Here Comes The Sun", 5); Hoobastank ("truly do suck ass", 4)...

sotw: doves- there goes the fear ("moping unlikely to be banished forever"); wsotw - cosmetique - jackson ("Krishnas with theremins")...

live - the strokes in brixton ("woooh"); Mclusky in the metro club ("even the hecklers go home happy"); jimmy eat world in portsmouth ("not quite convincing")...

did I mention that this week's nme costs £1-50? Did I mention next week's costs £2? Remember, the kids: It's you who fund AOL's DVD case mail-outs...