No Rock And Roll Fun

LISTED SINGLES: Back when Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman were turning the beautiful incest-tinged majesty of Something Stupid into a crassly commercialised novelty hit (the sort of thing Comic Relief would do, but without even the saving grace of a charity blanket), we proposed somewhere that certain records should be given the status of listed buildings. Not that they would be put on a list of untouchables, but that a committee of genuine music lovers should be approached for permission. We were, of course, only joking at the time, but we're now thinking about making our plan solid. As if the limp-lipped cover of Light My Fire by Will Young wasn't bad enough, news reaches us that Andy Williams is being persuaded somehow to re-record Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You. With Denise Bloody Van Outen. Our panel would call in Ms VanOuten and Mr Williams, and ask them "Why are you doing this?". Andy presumably has either massive debts owed to the Russian mafia, or his family being held hostage; Van Outen clearly has no sense of what it is she does (we saw a couple of episodes of Babes In The Wood, so we know this for a fact.) The motto of the new regulatory body will be: Covers should add something, not diminish. And certainly never destroy.