No Rock And Roll Fun

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: CHOSEN WITH GEORGE BUSH'S BLESSING EDITION
scenes from the decline of a magazine, number 377: The Face, once ahead of the field, this month gives The Osbournes the front page. A cultural phenom so mainstream that even the Queen has heard about it and assimilated it. Next month it'll be Fischerspooner, we betcha...

talking of the Queen, Private Eye waspishly points out the similarity between the parent group of nearly all the artists at the Jubilee Jamboree and the label due to cash-in and release the album of the gig. It's EMI, of course, in case you hadn't guessed...

the nme comes in a bag - to stop the Fly, um, Bring It On falling out, but also as a handy item for Glasto go-ers - you can sit on it, or fill it with milk. At last, then, a use for Bring It On, which already feels 'How soon can we junk this idea' thin. Hundred Reasons lead the live league table, whatever that means. Especially since Fischerspooner are new in at 2...

the nme proper has Chris from Coldplay on the cover. Luckily, it says, because I wouldn't recognise the fucker otherwise. Still, it's nice to see a move away from complete Festival Pullout blockage in the nme - over previous years it's been 89 pages of coverage, even when they lost the sponsorship...

news: if you have five spliff's worth of blow at the V festivals you'll be labeled a drug dealer and will probably wind up banged up. And with a criminal record. That's the voice of realism, then; there's a final warning to Glasto fence jumpers to not do it. The strange thing here is that, to try and discourage people sneaking in, they're not going to show the World Cup on the big screen. Discuss, with illustrations if needed, why people who buy tickets are going to be less interested in football than those who don't; The Hives have had a hit in America (erm, number 77 with a bullet); Thom Yorke is pushing for fair trade. Bravely, he concedes that he doesn't expect to see a change in government policy as a result of his campaign - so, still more humble than Bono, then, who expects Blair to dance a little dance singing "I'm a little piggy" for him every day; John Peel said the only reason he accepted an OBE was because otherwise he'd turn into the sort of bloke who stood around telling everyone that "I was offered one - turned it down, of course." Which we mention, because Pandit G from ADF has been going on about how he turned down his MBE; the Leeds Festival organisers will be delighted that the paper has chosen to report its appeal against its licence being turned down by ragging out its coverage of 'Terrifying Climax To Leeds Festival'...

on bands: the rapture - NY funk disco (looks like Men in stephen malkmus masks and bouffant hair); jolly music (italian house thing using sonya echobelly on vocals) and tenacious d (jack black semi-novelty side dish)..

okay, so there is a *little* Glasto overkill: Misteeq are taking a packed lunch with them; billy childish proudly says nothing's changed with his music over the last thirty years; michael eavis does the ten track thingy (REM, elvis costello, and the stone roses); there's pictures from the archives; coldplay say "we have no desire to be quite good, we want to be great" but chris concedes "we felt like a bunch of students who'd struck it lucky" (next week - "I was a mancunian chancer" shocker from Noel)...

lps: oasis - heathen chemistry ("what did anyone expect, Fischerspooner?", 8) - nb: the nme has been promoting the album on nme.com all week, and andy bell has got a beard that is frankly, shocking; muse - hullabaloo soundtrack - please notice the spelling; not hulabaloo soundtrack, or hullaballoo soundtrack; or hullaballoo soundtrack or... you get the point ("they're entertainers, no less. they're certainly no more", 6); fonda 500 - No1 Hi-Fi Hair ("a neat little treat", 7); nelly - nellyville ("a persecution complex can be put to good use", 7)...

sotw is idlewild - american english ("makes K2 look like a pimple on a midge's cock" - presumably not Midge Ure's?; also considered are Prodigy's baby's got a temper ("does this mean leroy was actually the talented one?"); and Sheryl Crow's steve McQueen ("she's beaten the rush to be the new Ryan Adams")...

live: primal scream in shepherd's bush ("even the models were cheering") and garbage in barcelona ("Shirley returns to perform Queer a cappella)...

from the ads: 'young rock band seeks boy singer... must have a good voice; influences greenday and blink 182' - erm, so why the voice, then?