No Rock And Roll Fun

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: NME FEATURES INSPIRED CHOICES SURPRISE EDITION
Diva magazine - the number one choice for lesbians in newsagents, albeit by default - have put Le Tigre on the cover, resulting in my need to go and sit down for a moment. Unfortunately, the sole copy WH Smiths had was so mangled, I can't bring you anything about the contents...

Music Week reveals how little Pop's producers understand what they're doing - leaving aside how they excitedly promised they'd look beyond the charts (Anastacia, Primals?), they're quite excited by the the advantages offered by using the Marquee stage for their daytime channel five show. "Sometimes, in a studio, the lead singer will be looking for the camera, giving little winks" they gurgle - apparently unaware that this sort of thing works rather well on television, actually...

there's a lovely horse on the cover of the nme, spoiled somewhat by having the queens of the stone age on the back of it...

news has john squire insisting that the stone roses will never reform (read: try increasing the bid to half a million, Mr. Power); there's a load of stuff lifted off the net about the new Radiohead album, which we shan't quote as that would be circular and scary; the Hives might find themselves locked into some sort of litigation hell that might stop them releasing anything for a very, very long time - don't be alarmed, that didn't do Michelle Shocked any harm, did it? Yes, you do remember her... oh, hang on, then, maybe it did; some sort of charity album combines might of ashcroft, badly drawn boy, charlatans and, erm, KLF; Oxide and Neutrino have had a bit of a think and decided that, y'know, the line about how their rap is going to "blow your two speakers up like the Twin Towers" might be a little insensitive. In fact, O&N just don't understand how it on the promotional version of their new album at all - "I don't know how it got on that" (erm, maybe by one of you rapping it?) - "I hope people don't really pick up on that" (yes, so do we) "we don't want to joke about the twin towers" (erm... but haven't you done just that?). Next week: Paul McCartney says "Blimey, the public wasn't meant to hear the racist version of Get Back"; Dr Dre has threatened to quit because he doesn't have anything else to say anymore - clip this article and send it to Coldplay, Toploader, Oasis...; there's a nifty collection of bands the Coral have been compared to - The La's, Russian Cossack Music, Captain Birds Eye and The Stairs, amongst others - although apparently nobody has spotted they've merely released a lost Inspiral Carpets album with their own name on it; nme readers have slammed the Mercury prize - which must strike fear into the hearts of the judges on a par with Tuvalu declaring war on America; Ryan Adams is plugging an awkward gap in his release schedule - erm, giving fans a treat - by sticking out an album of demos called 'Demolition' (a lame music gag first sighted 1877); we've had Chris Martin on his late virginity; now he's worried about going bald; U2 are going to release a record...

there's a serious investigation into whether superclubs are on their way out - yes they are, but new ones will take their place is Simone Baird's conclusion in an article that compares the elephantine likes of Cream and Gatecrasher with the more human likes of Chibuku and Trash...

on bands: bowling for soup - put your shirts on, men, for god's sake and stone sour, which is corey slipknot's equally shit side project - put your mask back on, for god's sake...

bright eyes and desaparecidos are forced to share a page, which hardly seems fair. Conor is given space to vaguelize on a "any bad times are bearable if you can play music" (he should try working in my office - as I write, NERD are being drowned out by 'amusing' renditions of Achy Breaky Heart in a pub singer style), but the lions share is taken for stuff like this: "The rise of emo coincided with the fall of Enron, while corporate rock rings more hollow than ever after 9/11" - didn't the rise of emo happen before Enron actually appointed Arthur Andersen's lying accountants? and how exactly did 9/11 make Fred Durst anything, apart from even more loudly bellicose?...

but let's not be too churlish - at least the nme is talking to Conor. And then to Miss Kittin. Hurrah! NME gets with the program shock. And it turns out Kim Wilde has approached her offering a collaboration - which she's turned down, sadly, because we'd like to see that. "I make no compromises" she insists, but adds "but I would not refuse a private jet"...

the sugababes select the tracks for the pretend cd, then the producers come in and the resulting remix includes alicia keys, michael jackson (but Liberian girl, for crying out loud) and jodeci...

and here's the Pattern now saying "being in a rock and roll band is all about having a lot of fun - it isn't difficult" - hear that, Nicky? Listening, Thom?...

the queens of the stone age come along and spoil the party, of course. But even they seem pretty happy with their lot - "we can't wait to get on the road and play these songs." Hurrah for bands who enjoy it...

so, onto the album reviews: bright eyes - lifted, or the story is in the soil ("he can spin a terrific yarn", 8); queen adreena - drink me ("occasionaly grates; never less than inspired", 7); toploader - magic hotel ("would have Rod Stewart guffawing like a sexist drain", 1); bruce spingsteen - the rising ("his best for some time, but not his best ever", 6)...

sotw: the music - take the long road and walk it ("love them... gloriously out of step") rather than george michael's shoot the dog ("oddly compelling") and... The Darkness - I believe in a thing called love ("so perfect, you may as well give in to the 80s poodle metal revival now"...

live - sex pistols at crystal palace ("the living heart and soul of a nation of drunken barbarian scum"); weller in hyde park ("new songs treated with gritted teeth tolerance") and magic alex in manchester ("better than K or dogstar - just not good company to be keeping")

finally, in angst... (sorry, nmemail - but doesn't the way the nme readers survey calls it "nmemail - formerly angst" demonstrate it needs its proper name back?) someone suggests most bands in the nme would kill their grandmother for a George Michael sized flop - which we'll leave, over here, with a hanging punchline, shall we?