No Rock And Roll Fun

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Bistro in Bahgdad Edition
"It's like the Avril Lavigne song Sk8r boi" reckons some bint who writes in Elle about her time dating Chris Martin during the early days of Coldplay. Erm, only it isn't, really, is it? The low point of a fantastically meaningless article is when she talks about "hustling some tickets" for Coldplay at... the Barfly. What would that have been, then - four quid you saved yourself there? She takes an opportunity to swipe at Chris - yeah, we do, but we've never fucked him - while still sounding incredibly bitter that he's gone on to become incredibly rich and famous since. More of this, please, Elle - next month, how about "I sat behind Thom Yorke on the bus to school?"

OK magazine is still interested in Kym Marsh. We wonder why - maybe its some sort of really bad contract they entered into that they have to give her three covers a year for the rest of the decade? Or maybe they've simply run out of famous people, and are now doomed to become a 'looks familiar' style title in the manner of Yours, the magazine for the nearly dead that exhumes the likes of Bob Wellings to grace its front page.

The NME has got a much better cover - Karen O and the other Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Let's face it, even if they weren't the sleeperiest sleeperblokes since sleeper went to sleep, the Other Two wouldn't make much of an impression being stood next to the Cadbury's Strawberry Jam MiniRoll of front people, but lets not label them "surplus to requirements" just yet. The tagline for the 8 page (yes, eight page) White Stripes special is "in-depth guide to the brilliant album of the year", which is at least missing a "most" if not a "so far"

News... Kelly Osbourne to support Robbie Williams on is european tour - we're losing count of just how deeply into the minuses her rock rating has gotten now; annoying jingoistic dimwits three doors down try to put into words why they're so happy to support the US armed forces - "those guys [the US navy] are out there keeping us so we can sit here and bitch about stupid shit. Those guys rely on us and all we can do is sit here and say 'no war this' and 'no war that.' Did you see the two tallest buildings in the world collapse due to terrorism?" Leaving aside the odd thought that the US navy is in such dire straits it relies on a bunch of dimwitted pub rockers, and the complete lack of any connection between September 11th and the war in Iraq beyond the words "a convenient excuse", I'm actually a little surprised to discover that terrorists have apparently managed to destroy the Petronas Tower and the Sears Tower and nobody noticed; in a similar odd piece of phrasing, Madonna's American Life as "latest victim of pro-US backlash" - victim? In what way? The big tipsy blouse pulled her own fucking video; hardly "victimisation" - more her credibility has lost out to her desperate desire to be liked, even if it is by bull-necked honkers in shirts made of the stars and stripes.

The Kills' Hoel chooses PJ harvey, Dock Boggs and Jonathan Fire*eater for a made-up CD.

"The Hidden Cameras just made Tatu look tame" trumpets the paper. Coming next week: The Hidden Cameras just made S Club look washed up; make Kelly Osbourne look like a spoiled brat who we should all ignore forever.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs piece makes an attempt to try and make the Ones That Aren't O seem interesting, playing Mr & Mr & Mrs (a conceit that Number One magazine was doing twenty years ago, when - presumably - their target audience would have remembered the show; we look forward to The Strokes being invited to play The Golden Shot in the coming weeks). The trouble is, you still find yourself skimming through to get to Karen's answers. Her guiltiest pleasure is chronic masturbation. Or it might not be. It's edited too badly to make much sense.

Best indie clubs right now, apparently: Suicide, manchester; Optimo, glasgow; Junk, southend; emerge, cardiff; firerock and roll, newscastle; and hideout in london.

Eight pages on Elephant: Why? presumably because they couldn't review it for a third time. If you love the Stripes, it's a must-read. If you're only half hearted, it'll bore you rigid. There are some early shots - Jack not wearing red or white; Meg wearing a bra.

Reviews
Albums
Run DMC - greatest hits - "a way cool guide to their sadly truncated career", 8
Various - all tomorrows parties 3 - "a mixed bag", 3
american hi-fi - the art of losing - "a melody... [no] worthy cause", 5

singles
sotw - blur - out of time - "suddenly songbird doesn't sound so clever afterall"
inme - neptune - "unlovely, pretend portentous guff with constipated vocals"


live
the libertines - highbury & camden - "electric in every sense"
the donnas - kings cross la scala - "it makes you wonder who these guys are who keep knocking them back"
kelly osbourne - "this crowd are hardly in a critical mood" and har mar superstar - "unintentionally poignant" in detroit


and that's pretty much it. Next week, they're threatening "unseen coldplay pictures" which is pretty much on a par with, say, new scientist trailing "Some New Moulds Discovered."