No Rock And Roll Fun

PUTTING THE SPECIAL INTO AGENT: Having done a guest slot in that hotbed of Stanilavsky stricture Hollyoaks, Darius now thinks he's ready to have a crack at being James Bond. Not that mumbling "Nice bikinis, blonde girls" in a soap opera has gone to his head, he does admit that maybe ewan McGregor might be in front of him in the queue when Bond is recast. Really? Jesus, man, Jeanette Krankie would be ahead of you in the bloody queue.

Equally winningly, talking about the "book" he's "written", all about his life, he says "I did English at Edinburgh University and have always had a secret desire to be an author. It's a dream come true." Darius is a really nice guy, and apparently he's hung like hank, but even so... he thinks a slapped together ghostwritten memoir is "being an author"? Boy, did Kafka ever get it wrong.