No Rock And Roll Fun

"... AND I THOUGHT IF BLOODY FERGIE COULD DO IT, IT MUST BE A PIECE OF PISS": Commercial spokesperson and actress Madonna (you might recall her recent comedy turn in the 'Britney kisses her grandmother' sitcom) has issued an audio statement explaining her children's books. Now, you might wonder about a supposed author not being able to write a statement like that and you may also think 'shit, if she can't write a kiddie's book that doesn't need further explanation, what sort of writer is she, anyway?' but that's a little unfair. Imagine the pain of those gnarly hands tapping away on a keyboard for longer than a ten minute stretch.

"Have you ever heard of the English Roses? Here is what they are not. A box of chocolates, a football team, flowers growing in the garden. What they are is this. The English Roses is the first of five stories I have written. It deals with envy and jealousy and how these emotions cause so much unnecessary suffering in our lives. I only wish I had read about some of these subjects when I was a little kid. I hope these children's books inspire kids of all ages, even grown up ones".

Hmm. Of course, we can't speculate as to why Madonna didn't read, say, Fifth Form At Mallory Towers, or any of the hundreds of similar titles that covered this sort of thing when she was a child - perhaps too busy shopping for Boob Tubes. How she's not heard of the thousands of titles that have been written since does puzzle us somewhat.

According to information released by the publisher, Callaway Editions, "The English Roses tells the story of four little girls-Nicole, Amy, Charlotte, and Grace-who are eleven years old and the very best of friends. "They are practically glued to each other at the hip," writes Madonna in her book, and they are all "a little bit jealous of another girl in the neighborhood"-a beautiful girl named Binah, whose seemingly perfect life makes them "green with envy." However, when a feisty, pumpernickel-loving fairy godmother takes them on a magical journey, they learn to their great surprise that Binah's life is not nearly as enviable as it had seemed. The English Roses is an inspiring story about the importance of compassion and the rewards of friendship."

Sounds... erm... like Madonna's run a few Enid Blyton books through Word and merged them to us.

Madonna drew from personal experiences to write the book. "As a child, I experienced jealousy and envy toward other girls for any number of reasons: I was jealous they had mothers, jealous they were prettier and richer," she says. "It isn't until you grow up that you realize what a waste of time those feelings are."

We're wondering why she's never actually mentioned the whole magical trip-fairy godmother thing before (we're supposing this means she dropped a shitload of acid once, yeah?). It's encouraging to learn that, having grown up and become incredibly rich, famous and successful she realised that it was ridiculous to continue being jealous of a girl she once knew years and years ago who had had a pony or something.

We're looking forward to the end of the story, which will presumably have all the English Roses being photographed being fucked up the ass by Vanilla Ice thinking "that'll show Binah."