No Rock And Roll Fun

BRITS LIVE:
7.55 - except, of course, it's not really live as there's a massive two-hour or so delay between the ceremony and the programme hitting ITV1. Long enough to paint Janet Jackson a bikini top, pixel by pixel. The BBC's Six O'Clock News attempted to give away all the winners so far - no "If you don't want to know the results, look away" here.

8.00 - ITV are using horrid idents with not-very-good lookalikies; and the Mastercard break bumpers aren't much better, either. Why do they persist in using that horrid font?

Black Eyed Peas are on first - Shut Up. They've got a really cheap looking street set which looks as if it's been stolen from a school doing West Side Story as half term show. Why are they doing Shut Up when their big success was Where Is The Love? An attempt to show there's more to them than one hit. There's a dancer who seems to have come as Ozzy Osbourne.

vocal theatrics at the end - the Pea with the hat stands looking bored while she gets her business finished.

8.05 - Cat Deeley, dressed in a top hat comes on sitting astride a big bottle of champagne. It's like a cross between Cher and Charlie Chaplin. And - woosh - we're in to International solo artists. They're not trusting the celebs to do the nominated artists, just a few clips of the names - which, since Shania Twain fluffs her bit, might be just as well. The prize goes to Justin Timberlake who looks more like my old woodwork teacher every day. He thanks "everybody who voted for me" as if the prize had come from proper people and not a bunch of horsetrading record execs.

8.07 - Martin Kemp does the business for best group, calling it "the best night on TV all year, easily." Well, he's not doing some godawful drama tonight, which helps. He claims the Darkness are his favourite group. Justin says that he thinks they probably are the best British Group. He has the air of a man expecting to make many speeches this evening.

8.09 - Cat Deeley is now dressed in a fluffy thing - oh, we're being XChristina tonight, are we? - introduces Busted doing Teenage Kicks, which is okay, but all a little unconvincing. I doubt John Peel will be shifting his loyalties to this new version.

8.12 - First break. Coca-Cola's irritating woman handing out bottles of pop, in a desperate bid to find a new 'teach the world to sing'

8.16 - Cat is still in the fluffy thing. So, wardrobe budget blown already, then? It's pop act time - oddly, the Black Eye Peas have been nominated here. Samsung Fun Club customers have helped choose the winner to this, apparently; and oh, my splitting sides, Avid Merron as Mel B is giving the prize. After a series of belly-flopping 'jokes', Busted are called to pick up their prize, but Avid continues with his slightly unpleasant faux-sapphic routine. Busted wear suits and are polite.

8.20 - Dermot O'Leary comes on to the White Stripes to present the best dance act to Basement Jaxx.

8.22 - Cat tells us that what makes the Brits so special is the once in a lifetime collaborations. "This year we've outdone ourselves" - Beyonce, Andre 3000 and Outkast. Outkast have come on dressed as skeletons, presumably in the hope they won't upset the dead the way they dropped the bollock at the Grammy awards.

8.23 - although Daft Punk will probably be a bit pissed off. Hey ya is the first thing to actually sound in any way life-affirming, or indeed alive. Which is ironic, what with them being dressed as skeletons.

8.24 - here's Beyonce; the switch from one song to another (Crazy In love, of course) is a bit wonky but who cares? You can see why the Brits team have plumped for American talent at the heart of tonight's award, and sort of melding together the two big choons of last year was shrewd even if so far its not especially collaborative.

8.29 - and never the twain did meet, apart from a spot of underwear flashing from one to the other. So, less a collaboration than two acts back to back.

8.30 - was the Jamelia presenting the Best British Rock award (voted for by viewers to Kerrang TV). Justin claims the category was invented purely for them. He still has an air of a man who plans to be back.

8.37 - After another break, Cat has removed her fluffy cardigan in time for best British solo artist, a very thin field indeed. Kerry McScouse has turned up to give the prize - "this is brilliant... I'm nervous..." Daniel Bedingfield isn't there, and with the joy of modern technology, he's able to accept the prize... over a crappy phone line. Apparently ITV don't run to so much as a webcam.

8.40 - There's a really rubbish bit of business to get fifty cent on stage, with a fake news flash and a rather poor quality filmed insert - gasp, 50 cents has been arrested by immigration... but he's escaped... and - oh, how surprising - here is on stage, doing Birthday. What's the betting he's chased off stage by men dressed as police at the end?

8.42 - Earls Court might be a great place for the Daily Mail Ideal Home exhibition, but as a venue for the Brits, its lousy - like being outdoors but with none of the majesty of nature.

8.44 - Oh, there isn't a pay off at all to the 50 Cent act, which just... stops. Oh. On with the awards - Best British Urban act goes to Lemar to reward him for... um, all the things he did last year. He's very excited, and lists every member of his family before moving on to thank everyone else he's ever met.

8.47 And now here's Best Single; really, the awards are just being rushed through like they're not really worth anything. Which, probably, is true, but they could at least pretend. Dr Fox comes on and claims this is the "greatest Brits ever" - no, it isn't Doctor, and you know it. White Flag wins the prize, Dido can't be fucked to turn up of course, so there's a little filmed insert. "It wasn't easy for me to write, or to sing" she says. Not as hard as it to accept this as supposedly the best thing anyone did in 2003

8.50 If Love Cats was meant to be done as a Courtyard by Marriot jazz lounge work through, we're sure that Robert Smith would have mentioned it. Jamie Callum makes it back onto our list of punchable faces, doing this with Katie Meulah in a way that doesn't so much suggest they're love cats cuddled by the fire, but two businesspeople who've never met before sharing a lift after a very strong curry. It swings, that's for sure, but they're both too busy showing off their own types of quirky to actually bother working together. Beyonce and Outkast at least didn't stand side by side while not collaborating.

8.54 - Another break. 3 Mobile are trying to relaunch again, this time with Anna Friel getting her kit off. An idea whose time has past, promoted by an idea whose time has past. And now here's the Beyonce-Pink-Britney Pepsi advert, which is sadly the best thing Pink has done in the last twelve months.

8.58 Cat has changed her dress in honour of the appearance of Muse. We like Muse, but can't help feeling that they're a bit of an unlikely choice to join in tonight - it smacks of someone making their way a long way down the list headed 'credible, successful, British rock.' Presumably it was either Muse or getting The Darkness to do two songs. Matt Bellamy's just sunk to his knees and skidded across the stage and is now moonwalking sideways. Probably wishing they'd bought a blow-up dinosaur or some half-naked street girls along, then - "shit, we need a gimmick." They actually sound pretty good, though, and if there's any justice a nation will be reminded of their existence and go out and buy some of their music at the weekend.

9.03 International Female is being presented by LL Cool J, who is wearing a different hat to the one he wore for presenting the Brits. Beyonce wins, of course, so no upset there. She says "this is my secong home" - Britain, we guess, not earl's court. "I'm terrible at [accepting awards]" she says, but you think she'd be getting used to it by now.

9.06 Lionel Ritchie comes on with no delay to announce The White Stripes have won the International Group award. Jack White comes across like a bit of a knob in the taped acceptance. Meg keeps her mouth shut and looks cool.

9.07 Missy Elliot, Alicia Keys and Gwen Steffani doing Kiss - why? It doesn't sound like a coming together of minds, more like the people left in the dressing room. Alicia makes Tom Jone's version seem underplayed while Gwen goes for the Prince falsetto. Missy doesn't even make any attempt to pretend she's doing the same song as the other two, bursting in to rap something about Michael Jackson we couldn't quite make out. It's more a party piece than a showstopper.

9.15 Another outfit for Cat - clearly a taxi had been sent to Top Shop - as the Breakthrough Artist reels round. This has been voted for by radio one's dwindling audience, so Chris Moyles is here to do presentation. "I'm on telly" he says, which would be funny if we hadn't all not seen his Channel Five series. After banging on for hours, he announces it's Busted, who come on and are a little bit drunk and so slightly less polite.

9.19 It's Ronan Keating for Best British female - "it is of course dido" (why of course?) Dido pops up on video to thank Sinead O Connor and Kate Bush, who are apparently her inspirations. Maybe she means she's painted her bathroom the same colour as they have?

9.21 Duran Duran's outstanding contribution award, hailed by a bunch of clips of all their best singles (no 911 is a joke, sadly). Justin Timberlake comes to present the prize, which is like Matt Busby getting given his dues by Wayne Rooney - it's a bit of an insult to use someone not proven over the distance to give an award that marks a career lived to the full; it blunts the honour.

9.23 Simon LeBon making an acceptance speech - suddenly it's like the old Nationwide Rock and Pop Awards all over again.

9.23 John Taylor looks like an agrument is about to break out in a plastic surgery clinic

9.24 How long has Ron Wood been in Duran? Shit, is that Andy?

9.25 Nick still looks bloody good. And stylish. Not many people can carry off a white suit.

9.26 Roger still has nothing to say.

9.27 Hungry Like The Wolf. Of course, this is so old it's like the Beatles had turned up to do Let It Be when Duran were winning awards on talent rather than longevity, but man it still sounds like brilliant pop should.

9.28 - mostly, the odd bum note apart. Oh, they're Jive Bunnying themselves. Into Ordinary World it is, then. Although they are old men, so probably need the musical equivalent of a bit of a sit down mid-set now. Nick plays the keyboard like it's not his favourite Duran track, either.

9.31 - while Andy plays like it's best thing ever.

9.32 Wild Boys! Wild Boys! Wild Boys! I don't think i've ever seen Simon LeBon do this slim before.

9.35 "and you're telephone's been ringing while you're dancing in the rain" - of course, this is so dated now as people dancing in the rain would have their Nokia N-Gage in their pocket. Simon runs round the outside of the stage, looking slightly out of puff (halfway to a Tommy Cooper?) when he makes it back to the centre.

9.36 Oh. Is that it? No Girls on Film? No Planet Earth? Another ad break it is, then.

9.41 Cat Deeley is wearing something that looks a bit like a caveman's catsuit and has had her hair... um... distressed, would be the word. International Breakthrough Time, with Alicia Keys who's still wearing her dress from Kiss. I hope she uses a strong deodorant. The prize goes to 50 Cent, who we gather is the only one who turned up tonight. They don't take the opportunity for another spot of pre-filmed fun, which is a shame - this time they could have pretended he was being chased by some ghosts or something.

9.44 Best International Album is being presented by Gwen Steffani - did everyone else sneak out the back while they were doing Kiss? At least she's changed. She sounds thrilled that Justified by Timberlake has won, rather than puzzled at who really would consider it to be better than Crazy In Love or the Outkast album. Although, actually, his acceptance speech is one of the best of the night: "this is my first album - stick with me, we've got depression we've got drug addiction to get through..."

9.47 So, then, this is the Darkness performance which everyone's been talking up. Some back projection fish, some plastic sea horses. Everyday Darkness stage costumes. I Believe In A Thing Called Love. At the end, Justin stands on a hydraulic platform. Don't get us wrong, it's a fine performance and nothing to be ashamed of - it's just, compared to the build up, and compared to the previous Brit centrepiece performances it's all a bit of a ho-hum.

9.50 Scarlett Johansen comes on for the best album prize - and, yes, it's permission to land. Not bad for a debut album. Justin still has the air of a man expecting to be back picking up more awards, even although they're fresh out of prizes now.

9.55 So, to celebrate the Darkness get to do another track - You're Really Growing On Me - which ITV clumsily fade down to plug the Kate Thornton leftovers show on ITV2 and then cut off half way through. Which is ridiculous - as they had the luxury of knowing how much ceremony they had, couldn't they at least have edited the bloody thing so we could see all of the climactic performance? Surely it's got to go back to the BBC now. It didn't look like they were about to do anything extraordinary, mind.

So, that's it then: Not the worst bunch of winners by any stretch - let's pretend Dido doesn't count- and some great performances; but nothing at all memorable about the event. In fact, we're glad we did this as it went along because otherwise we'd be sucking our pen trying to remember what happened.