No Rock And Roll Fun

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: NME eats itself edition
It's funny how Alex James never quite got round to slagging off the Brits off when Blur was winning them, but this week - with just the odd token nomination and not much point in them hiring a bus to get to Earl's Court - he decided the time was right to moan about it in the Guardian Review [Friday]. The main problem? No beer, apparently. Which suggests something very wrong in the British Entertainment Industry - can they really only put on a show when they're three sheets? (He apparently didn't know the 'dry' edict had been lifted for this week's festivities; not that you could have told.)

Of course, as we suggested before, the NME is suffering a little from being lumbered with last week's awards giving the issue a whiff of the chip papers. And there's the second composite cover in a row, a spot of over-enthusiastic photoshopping has taken the upright finger off the Brat award being held by Thom Yorke [Or So we thought. It actually turns out we were wrong - the finger was physically detached from the award.]. Alex from Franz Ferdinand looks like he's hoping for lead role in a remake of Blame It On The Bell Boy. Brody Dalle is biting her award. But a very nice dress. Oh, yes.

She's back on Page Three, in a non-composite embrace with josh Homme, who won an award presumably so that they'd both turn up and could have an epoch defining Rock Couple Pin-Up Shot. They look really mismatched - Brody could probably sleep in the wrinkles on Josh's head and we can't help but think of those cartoons when the Abominable Snowman falls in love with Daffy Duck - "I will hug him and squeeze him and call him Brody..."

The big picture is from the end of the NME tour (that's mentions of NME stuff on the cover, page 3 and pages 4-5), although its a pretty nifty capture of the moment when Marcie Bolen apparently unaware that Carrie Smith has smashed her head open - what is it with the Von Bondies and hospitalisation?

Josh pops up to talk about shitting on Nick Oliveri (this is at the NME awards show backstage, so that's 1,3, 4-5 and 6-7). "I love making music but it's more important to me to brothers with Nick" he explains, clearing things up not at all.

There's another NME tour in the offing, and The Vines are number one in the MTV2 chart (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8), but it's good news from the Streets - their work with Chris Martin has been dumped.

Peter Robinson will obviously have to rename himself the NME Peter Robinson, as there's no mention of anything sponsored on page 10 when he takes on Jamelia. Who's twenty-three, you know, which surprised us because we'd always assumed she was only a couple of years ahead of S Club 8. But there you go. PR tells her there was an outbreak of Smallpox on the day she was born in 1962, which causes her to gasp and say "That's the worst one." We're not sure what she means, and we know for a fact she's wrong when she insists "There's no scandal on the Open University." The tales we could tell...

63,100 people went to see the NME tour (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13); more interestingly, Ian Watkins from lostprophets is a dead ringer for Ned Murphy from Waste.

The letters page kicks off with someone who's "just returned from the NME awards" (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14) moaning that Funeral for a Friend fans are "the biggest dicks in the world." Oh, how we wish. And then you can win a signed table plan from - yes! - the NME awards (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15). Now, if there was a prize that allowed you to set the seating plan: that would be a prize worth winning.

Radar plan is Bloc Party. They believe that "rock is sold on a macho premise, discounting a whole cross-section of ideas in the process." Yeah, it's about time rock started to embrace its feminine side - will we ever see a rock star happy to wear a boa or make-up, or perhaps mince about the stage in a catsuit?

They slip in a refrence to Lady Sovereign's appearance at the NME Awards in a little piece on the side (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17)

reviews
live
black rebel motorcycle club - nme awards gig, brixton (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18) - "beautifully nonchalant" - oddly, there's no score barometer for the nme awards gigs
lostprophets - nme awards gig, astoria (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19) - "having the last laugh"
Har Mar Superstar - nme awards gig, astoria (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20) - "I stake my claim to my very own NME awards category, best fucking solo artist" - yes, HM reviews himself
The Music - nme awards gig, astoria (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21) - "the music are the rave Jane's addiction"

There's then a "twelve pages of total rock excess" supplement (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23-35*) in which we discover Thom Yorke really likes Franz Ferdinand; Arthur Lee doesn't much care for Jet; Jack White thinks the NME brat award statue is "offensive" and tries to hide the rude finger; Kelly Osbourne - you might remember her preChristmas hit 'There's no-one Quite Like Grandma' - still hasn't got over the fact that Brody Dalle has no time for her; Dizzee Rascal thinks tim Westwood is a genius; Ozzy Osbourne's godlike genius award was picked up by Ozzy "because he was too ill to fly to accept it in person" - erm, really? This would be the Ozzy who had an accident in Buckinghamshire and yet somehow managed to make the trip to present a Grammy Award in the US the night before the NME awards, would it? Did he send a note signed "Ma Osbourne" saying he was too ill to attend? Brody Dalle wants to make a record "or do something" with Peaches and Pete Libertine wants to get off with Lauren Laverne.
It's a great awards supplement; if only it had come last week and kept within its luxurious spread.

There are, of course, posters as well, including one montage where a headless chest is wearing a 'Lick Cunt' tshirt, except they've blotted out 'cunt', so it's just a picture of a tshirt. Right. (1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23-35*, i-viii)

back to reviews - albums
auf der maur - auf der maur - "feels like coming home", 8
paul heaton - under the influence - "the rich whiff of filler", 4
trash*palace - positions - "a beat more tired than a two buck hooker", 4

singles
sotw - eastern lane - saffron - :wild, wicked and wonky"
stellastar* - my coco - "no wiser, but tired and far happier"
placebo - english summer rain - "it's rude to still be around when your revival happens"
There's also a plug for the NME chart show here, and then the agenda of course has plugs for NME.com and next week it's... oh god, another NME awards special, like almost five years after the event. Full page plug for it, though, so thats NME promoting NME promotional events on pages 1,3, 4-5, 6-7, 8, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23-35*, i-viii, 51, 56-57 and 59. We'd be excited, too, but we're not entirely sure if the NME is becoming little more than its own in-house journal; like our 1.80 a week is merely buying a whole bunch of promotional fliers.

* - although one page is an advert for Woolworths, which obviously isn't meant to be counted since their idea of 'rock excess' is over-ordering Robbie Williams singles