No Rock And Roll Fun

ALL DOWN THE LOOS?: "A royal wedding we adore/ the pomp and pagentry of yore/ we'd just as soon headline, of course/ a scandalous royal divorce" - Leon Rosselson.

Of course, the press have been waiting for something like a schism in the Beckham's perfect world for years - happy couples sell papers, but unhappy couples sell far more. And so they've taken great care not to set their hares running too soon, waiting until something meaty enough to at least please the braver of their lawyers came along. And now, in Rebecca Loos, they've got security guards witnessing kisses between David and his PR girl, or so they say; dubiously obtained text messages which may or may not have been filthy and even more dubiously sourced quotes, apparently spoken in pure journalese. Beckham, of course, is denying it all; the Sun can barely contain itself: Victoria is 'ashen faced' and 'deep in thought' (well, that's a first) - but taking care to run the Beckham denial next to a picture of Posh Spice looking like she was caught mid-puke (at least let the lady finish her morning beauty routine, guys), producing a handy guide for choosing sides if, you know, the worst happens and getting way too excited that "Beck's Girl" is bisexual ("lusts after both men AND women", the paper explains for the benefit of its slower readers.)

It's difficult, though, to feel any sympathy for either Victoria or David in this whole mess - they ignored the advice about using long spoons to sup with the devil, virtually inviting belzebubb to a finger buffet by turning their love affair into a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder. All couples choose their wedding colours to look good in the pictures; the Beckhams picked theirs to go well with the blue and red of the OK! masthead. And when the public appetite for happy, snuggly pictures starts to wane, it's only to be expected that the press will try to work their investment in some other way.