No Rock And Roll Fun

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK: Tommy Mottola has finally started to try and rebuild his position in the music industry by pushing a frightening act Hello, Paedos ("Not So Sweet Sixteen") - or NSSS for "short." You don't need to wonder what they look like - all pert breasts, crop tops and pouts like teenagers shopping with Mum in Asda. The press release pushing them is a minor classic:

Tommy Mottola Makes a Comeback With Not So Sweet 16
Tommy Mottola makes a definite come back with his new girl group
Los Angeles, CA (PRWEB) April 23, 2004 -- One of the most powerful record label moguls, Tommy Mottola does it again by signing NSS16 to his record label- CASABLANCA RECORDS. Not So Sweet 16 is already receiving highly acclaimed reviews by notoriously high ranking radio DJs Nasty Nes who broke Mariah Carey’s first record that went platinum, and Yoshi the exclusive Tristate DJ. “This joint is FIYAH!” continues to be the sentiments of the radio DJs across the country. DJ Yoshi reveals, "This is going to be a HIT!” This single is sure to be played at every club and radio station. The release date is April 20th, 2004.

It really is almost as if Tom believes there's a chunk of record buying people out there who give a shit about who the A&R person who signed an act is - "blimey, I hear Larry Greasespotnik signed this act, they really must be something..." -which is the only possible reason why the release focuses on him rather than the band he's supposedly selling. Having said which, there's so little to say about the band - "another bunch of Destinys Child would-bes, woefully short of a Beyonce" not sitting well in a release - you can kind of understand why they did it. It was worth a shot, but when the band is being sold on the bloke who owns their label, you might as well just unroll the black and yellow tape round the scene and call the coroner.

And the record is "sure to be played at every club and radio station" - maybe, just maybe, it's so amazing that there won't be a dancefloor complete without the tune. But even so, we're betting that there'll be loads of Classic Rock, AOR, classical and speech stations that don't decide to mess with their format to fit it in.

We're not sure why a high-ranking DJ would be "notoriously" so; nor what a "highly acclaimed review" would be - one that's exquistely written, we guess. Most puzzling of all is why a release to promote a record released on April 20th is dated April 23rd. Perhaps that explains why it reads like it was written in a total rush, without time for a check-through: later on, much is made of Mottola's back catalogue: Carly Simon, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez Destiny Child and Celine Dion. Now, leaving the punctuation for Lynne Truss to pick over, Destiny Child?

Oddly, the release finds much space to say what a top bloke Mottola is, and how good the band's manager is ("Not So Sweet 16 manager is GRAMMY WINNER- Greg Lawson. Mr. Lawson is responsible for hits such as Jennifer Lopez’s LOVE DON’T COST A THING, Ginuwine’s song, Queen Latifah, Lil Kim, Anastasia and many more." He was responsible for Ginuwine's song, was he? Does Ginny have just the one?), and to enthuse over the bloke who made the video. But nowhere does it find room to mention the names of the girls who make up the band. It all comes across as shockingly low-budget. And believe me, we know low-budget when we see it.

The last line, though, is the triumph: "Mr. Mottola will prove once again with this group why he has the respect from every artist and fan in the music and entertainment industry. " Now, that is just so factually inaccurate as to be a surprise anyone could type it with a straight face.