No Rock And Roll Fun

WHEN BODYGUARDS RELAX: We imagine there must be a snug, somewhere in London, where bodyguards gather to share stories and compare notes. We picture a scene, with three musclebound types, each nursing a beer, discussing their most recent jobs.

"I had a bad time" says the first, "intruder downstairs at four in the morning, carrying a rape kit and a stun gun. I had to use a move to avoid him knocking me out, while bringing a chair up behind him to knock the geezer down. Then I was able to get his own gaffer tape on him until the police arrived."

"My last one was a nightmare, too" offers the second. "My boss had managed to offend the local triads. One of their guys attempted to force us off the road up on the moors. I struggled to keep the car on the road while getting up enough speed to evade the guys."

They turn to third, sat silently staring into his pint. "What about you, then? What have you been up to?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He stares deep into his pint.

"Go on, it'll help" says guard one. "Yeah, you know - we've all been there. We know what it's like."

The third guard shakes his head, grimly. "You don't. This is too much."

Another round, accompanied by chasers, and he's starting to loosen. More beer, more good whisky, and the third guard is feeling more comfortable sharing the details with his two friends. So much, that when the second guard settles back down from a trip to the lav, and asks "Come on - what happened on your last call that was so awful?" the third guard leans in to his buddies. Checking they're not being overheard, he whispers:

"First, I had to make the hot milky drinks, stirring the marshmallows just enough so they were soft, but not dissolved. Then I had to check there were no snakes under the bed, and fetch Mr. Bunny from the TV room. Finally, I did a quick tour of the room to make sure the Fimbles night lights were all working. Then I tucked Mr. Blankey tightly round the bosses' neck, kissed him goodnight, and got into bed."

His two hardened friends tried not to show their horror at the tale, but could hardly control themselves. And, inside, both gave silent thanks that they'd not been assigned the job of being Robbie William's sleepover security.