No Rock And Roll Fun

WE HEAR ROLAND RAT AND BARRY FROM EASTENDERS ARE STILL AVAILABLE: Poor, sweet Mariah Carey. She's plotting her London Stage debut (apparently at a West End Theatre, although even the notoriously open-minded Drill Hall might draw the line at Mariah) and she's worried about finding a leading man to be opposite her for The Princess and the Showgirl:

"I need a strong Englishman, someone who can hold his own when next to me on stage and of course someone who is drop dead sexy."

Someone who can hold his lunch when next to you would be more apt, surely? We love the idea that the woman whose acting talents seem to extend no further than wearing a bikini and bouncing around a bit, waving - the woman who made Glitter - thinks that it might be a bit of a challenge to share a stage with her. She's got her eyes set on Ralph Fiennes; we'd suggest she scales her sights back and gets her agents to see if the "little white sticks you put in your mouth" man from the smoking ads is available this autumn.