No Rock And Roll Fun

THE NEWLYWED GAME: We're told that, following their marriage at the weekend, Britney and Kevin spent forty-eight hours locked together in their hotel room. We don't think they were shagging, it was just when they shut the door there was a 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on the back of their door so they were scared to open it for two days.

Meanwhile, Christina is trying her hardest not to be bitter. "It should have been me" she wails, looking at all those front pages. Actually, she seemed bemused by Britney's decision not to turn her wedding into a three-ring circus but to go for something quiet with a few guests and no helicopters full of long lenses flying overhead:

"I'd never have thought that girl would have done it this way. I know she really loves Kevin, but this is like really low rent this time. It's surprising. The whole affair seems somewhat pathetic."

Lucky that Christina found time between getting her pubic bone pierced, kissing the hatchet-faced Paris Hilton and stuffing dollar bills into lapdancer's gussets long enough to accuse someone holding a quiet wedding of being low-rent and pathetic.

Meanwhile, there's some sort of rumours circulating that the priest had no authority to marry Spears and Federline, and it's just "in name only" to protect Britney if it all goes wrong. Which is a curious way out of having to sign a pre-nup: it's virtually a de-nup.