No Rock And Roll Fun

THOSE BRIT AWARD NOMINATIONS IN FULL:
BEST BRITISH ALBUM
Coldplay ('Parachutes' )
Radiohead ('Kid A')
Robbie Williams ('Sing When You're Winning')
Craig David ('Born To Do It')
David Gray ('Lost Songs')

Setting the tone for a crap collection of nominations, I'd guess I'd have to plump for Kid A as the lesser of the evil, evil list - certainly giving Coldplay an award would only encourage another twelve months of grey-faced indie whine. And I'd like to hear Davina McCall or whoever say "Radiohead *could* have been with us tonight, but they're not, they're hiidng in a cupboard upstairs..."
Best guess: Robbie Williams, I'm afraid.

BEST BRITISH DANCE ACT
Moloko
Fatboy Slim
Craig David
Sonique
Artful Dodger

Moloko should pick this up, since Fatboy Bus' album was so slim (hahahahaha) it wasn't true. The likely winner, though, will be Craig David...

BEST BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Dido
Jamelia
Sade
PJ Harvey
Sonique

Dido? What the fuck for? All she did in the Uk last year was provide a single verse for a US artist's hit, and, erm, thats it. PJ Harvey gets the XR&R vote, but the Brit awards people will probably give Sade the award for services to Overcoming Heroin

BEST BRITISH GROUP
Moloko
Coldplay
Radiohead
Toploader
All Saints

Toploader? Surely some mistake. Moloko are probably just too quirky (read: good) to get the win they deserve, so put your money on All Saints. ("We're sorry they couldn't all be here tonight, but they can't stand the sight of each other...")


BEST BRITISH MALE
Badly Drawn Boy
Robbie Williams
Fatboy Slim
David Gray
Craig David

We fear it'll be Robbie, though it should be BDB...

BEST INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Pink
Kylie Minogue
Jill Scott
Madonna
Britney Spears

By any rating, its got to go to Britney, hasn't it? Hasn't it?

BEST INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Santana
Westlife
Savage Garden
U2
Corrs


I may well go and kill myself now. Its not often you can say "I hope its the Corrs" and mean it. I'm guessing Wetlife will get it though...

BEST INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Ricky Martin
Wyclef Jean
Eminem
Ronan Keating
Sisqo

Wyclef Jean is incredibly straight, isn't he? He likes women. Not boys. That wouldn't be like him at all, oh no, not at all... Eminem may lose votes because of him being, apparently, a gay-killing murderer - he locked his girlfriend up in a trunk and drove off a bridge, you know. He must have, because he said so. Ronan or Sisqo may carry it off...


BEST INTERNATIONAL NEWCOMER
Pink
Westlife
Jill Scott
Kelis
Lene Marlin

Pink? Lene Marlin? Didn't htey baggage carrousel their careers? "Hello... byeee..." Kelis *should* win, if there was any morality in the world, but chances are it'll be pisslife again...


BEST BRITISH NEWCOMER

POP
A1
Atomic Kitten
Lolly
Point Break
Richard Blackwood


Blackwood? Fuck off. How can a man who has such little talent, if police found it on him they wouldn't even bother to caution him, keep getting these accolades? Lolly? A1 have it in the bag, but Atomic Kitten are our choice...

INDIE
Coldplay
Toploader
Muse
Badly Drawn Boy
Death In Vegas


DEATH IN VEGAS, of course... Toploader aren't even indie, no matter how you shag their mothers, but will probably get the award to put on their mantlepeice, next to the latest Readers Digest and that model airplane they never got a chance to finish last year, what with it being so crazy...

R&B/URBAN
Craig David
DJ Luck & MC Neat
Sweet Female Attitude
Architechs
MJ Cole

Craig David will already be working on his acceptance speech here - the words "I shagged her up the bum on Thursday. Twice." will be included. Sweet Female Attitude *should* get it...


DANCE
Artful Dodger
Sonique
Shaft
Oxide & Neutrino
Chicane

Chicane? They worked with bloody Bryan Adams, for christ sake... Artful Dodger, maybe. or perhaps this'll be the one they give to Sonique...


BEST SOUNDTRACK
Little Voice
American Beauty
Billy Elliot
The Beach
The Virgin Suicides


The Virgin Suicides was the best Soundtrack - as in, worked best for the movie it accompanied - but the best album surely would have to be Little Voice? Dont you think?