No Rock And Roll Fun

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY 27/03/02: so The Face is currently running an exclusive on Kurt's diaries, which, as you'd imagine, has a Courtney front page. Oddly, this piece was originally intended for the dead-as-Kurt Talk, so how it wound up in the ailing brit fashion "bible" is anyone's guess - as indeed is why people still call The Face a fashion bible at all...

record mirror this week has an exclusive interview with brian molko and brett anderson, in which they pre-empt any further speculation by announcing they're going to have a child together. "We realise we might need a lady to get involved at one point or other" sniggers Brett "but for now, we're just practising on what we can do up our end"...

the nme has an easter theme. okay, it doesn't, but the lostprophets are burning a bunny on the front page...

news leads on the police "forcing" the so solids off the homelands bill is actually quite interesting - Hampshire Police do say that they'd have gone to the council had the band been kept on the bill "and the licence for the festival probably would have been revoked" - so, that's the police second guessing what the judiciary would do, then. The so solids - or at least those not out waving guns about - issued a statement to the effect that the public are being denied the right to see what they want to see, and asking "is this democracy?" Well, no. And it does seem hugely unfair that they've been banned by police, rather than ruled out because they're crap. The main trouble with the so solids, though, is that they're their own worst enemies - sure, they can point to their shiny record of only one gig where anyone actually got killed all they like, but the fact remains that their act and stance is tied up tightly with violent imagery - the one who beat up the teenage girl for not having sex with him, for example, left court and went straight on to make a video in which he played some sort of gangsta street figure. The defence of the so solids is reminiscent of Gary Bushell's letter to the Guardian defending Jim Davidson this week - "Davidson is no racist"; maybe not, but his act certainly has been. Trouble is, the police can force SSC off as many bills as they like, but it won't stop the gun culture. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't some sort of incident at Homelands this year anyway, now that its become an issue of this magnitude...

other news: "I'm never going to the Met Bar again" cries Liam, after having an argument with one of MisTeeq (oooh, taking on teenage girls now, Liam - not angling for a place in the So Solids, are you?); they ask stars what they wouldn't advertise for a million pounds - Lee from Blue says "Cruelty to animals" (because, yeah, the Royal Society for Promotion of Cruelty to Animals is always looking for celeb endorsements, aren't they?); oddly, the front page of the NME teases this item with the words "Starbucks? Child porn? What wouldn't stars advertise for £1,000,000?" - and neither gets mentioned anywhere in the actual piece. Hmmmm. "I would never ... you know, like... she [Madonna] would masturbate on a bed. I don't get that" - so says Britney. But then, she's so rich she could probably afford a special wanking chair or something; some fool claims that Glastonbury is going to be sunny - "going on previous years" - right; occasional flashes of the words "Pills" and "Bombs" on-screen in Oasis' Does Your Mother Know George Harrison video proves that "oasis live in 2002, and not 1967" says director Wiz - yes, because there were no anti-war movements in the late 1960s, were there? - but then admits that it was his idea anyway; the new Korn album has cost three million to put together, working out at 800 pounds a second. Money, I'm sure, well-spent; meanwhile, the nme still seems to think that anyone left in the country still finds ali G in any way amusing...

goss-lite: a list star makes rock nobody friend at counselling; britpop
frontman annoying record company by demanding world cup tickets; ageing dance star getting off with groupies to pinch their drugs...

on bands Tiga & Zyntherius; electonic eye movement and the x ecutioners...

hoobastank offer polite nu-metal (is this copied out of Kerrang? mean, really - who cares about nu-metal bands turning up now? it's like getting the wine list delivered with the cheque)...

the lostprophets are unloved by the metal press, it seems. "its because their girlfriends fancy us" reckons the band's Mike. As if a rock writer would have a girlfriend...

Ian from the Coral offers the four types of sex: "sympathy shag, porn dirty shag, intense lovemaking and routine." Oh, and "the backhander"...

oh. badly drawn boy has put his hat back on. wanker. The article is white on black and printed so tiny it's impossible to read, but Damon does say "I can perform songs with the minimum of drink, like a couple of shorts." Aha. that sober...

since the features are so crap, lets flick to the reviews - cornershop -
handcream for a generation ("happy music for hard times", 8); billy bragg - england, half english ("sounds just as dated as the social traditions he lampoons",5) shakira - laundry service (the review just quotes some lyrics and says that she's weird, like its been written by Nora Batty, 5)...

sotw: The vines - highly evolved ("going to be bigger than U2, gareth gates and Nickelback combined"); wsotw: susumu & rothko - waters edge ep. In between: Ballboy's All the records on the radio are shite...

we interrupt reviews for david holme's ten track cd choice - beach boys and dion...

live: chemical brothers in portsmouth ("not an open top bus tour round Mali to match it"); gomez at Kings Cross ("Gomez are like a raw gooseberry" says Ben Gomez); Easyworld in Glasgow ("they need to lose the adolescent theatrics")

next week, its Oasis. Blimey. I can hardly contain my spunk.