Monday, July 22, 2002

DAUGHTER IN FLAW: One of the lowlights of a rather fine weekend was being hunted down by Kelly Osbourne ("of the brilliant Osbournes", as a Century FM dj helpfully explained) and her version of Papa Don't Preach. Gah. Clearly, there was never going to be much merit in the project - a lame brained cash-in with only half an attempt to come up with an 'apt' song. (Why not rewrite The Clash slightly instead - 'Daddy was a bat-gobbler, but he never hurt nobody...'?) But taking on Madonna is a tough call, and Kelly doesn't manage to rise to the occasion at all. While it was possible to really believe Madonna was a knocked-up teen, even though we knew in real life her Daddy's reaction to the news of a pregnancy would be "Why are you telling me? You're thirty, you're a millionaire and if the local abortion clinic didn't have a favourite bed set aside for you, I'd be very surprised", Kelly's trot through the track has all the emotional impact of a spoiled teen saying "whoops, I forgot to fill the tank in the GTI before I parked it." Ozzy never let a lack of musical skill hold him back, and his daughter has followed his example; sadly, her inability to even attempt to reach up for notes is a lot more grating.
Hmmm. Person of limited ability attempts to squeeze more cash from fleeting fame on reality TV show by releasing poorly-realised version of vaguely 'apt' tune? Kelly Osbourne, you are the new Maureen from Driving School.
Panto in Petersfield is awaiting you.

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