Rock and remote

Television is the drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and spreading radiation. We take one of our infrequent hits:
MTV
Pink - Just Like A Pill - obviously, this is wonderful. Unfortunately, it’s over too quickly, and replaced by
Shania Twain - I’m Gonna Getcha Good - this video is just unfathomable. The song is standard Shania fayre - “ooh, a man would be quite nice” to a slightly souped-up country backing. So why is she dressed like a J-Lo from the future in what amounts to a remake of Tron? Is the aim really to try and befuddle a rock audience so much they won’t notice they’re buying a slightly louder Loretta Lynn B-side?


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MTV Hits
Kylie - Come Into My World - it’s fine that the street scene is packed full of Kylies, but we’re a bit surprised they’re all dressed identically. Surely Kylie only wears one-offs? Still, for the multiple Kylies, she’s wearing jeans. Can you imagine having to airbrush out the cellulite out of dozens of her?
Shakira - Objection (Tango) - Apparently, Shak’s decided to fight Holly Vallance back on the home front with this single. “Next to her cheap silicone, I’m minimal/ that’s why in front of you, I’m invisible” reckons Shakira, which is a bit like Nelson’s Column claiming that it’s not really all that tall because it’s not painted yellow. Another video which lapses into cartoonery action and back again, but at least in this one you get to see Shakira catfight a woman, so it’s not all wasted then.
That song that uses Bryan Adams comes on, so

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VH1
Roger Sanchez - Another Try - VH1 are counting down the “Number 1’s of the 00s”, apparently, which means we’re lucky to land on a track that’s half decent. This is the video where pretty girl wanders about with a big heart, which the city makes smaller and smaller, until she goes for a cup of coffee with, apparently, an earlier, less successful attempt at making Ewan McGregor. He restores her faith, engorges her heart again but then avoids seeing her the next time he’s in her street. We suspect this is because she doesn’t shag his brains out after the coffee.
Limp Bizkit - Rolling - How likely is it that anyone would mistake Fred Durst for a parking valet? What sort of place would offer someone to park your car, and then employ a forty-year old man who dresses like Dennis The Menace’s mate to fullfill the role? This is something that can only exist in Fred Durst’s mind, isn’t it? Curiously, when he’s given the car keys, Fred makes what appears to be the universal sign for ‘wanker’. This video is sadly hilarious is so many ways, but we think we have to make special mention of the girls dressed up as Fred constantly grabbing their butts. Jesus, no wonder Wes spent his time flicking through bus timetables.

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VH1 Classic Smooth
Who’s this in the distance? It looks like George Michael. Walking towards us. ‘Older.’ I have no idea how this song goes, and now isn’t a good time to find out...

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MTV2
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - The Zephyr Song - prior to this charting, the only hit song to use the word Zephyr had been Madonna’s Ray of Light, you know...

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MTV Base
Puff Daddy - Victory - A girl is in a cage, writhing in a slightly dull way. Someone sends a page. There’s a helicopter hovering overhead. Apparently this is in some way based on the Running Man, but with elements of Blade Runner and - ahem - Shaggy’s It wasn’t Me. Piff or Puff or whatever he calls himself these days seems to live a joyless existence. We abandon our post and watch this (the new potatoes video) instead, until Denis Hopper pops up. He’s meant to be the President, which we find stretches our credibility way too far - wouldn’t the fact he played a violent rapist in virtually every film made between 1962 and 1994 count against him in the Primaries?

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MTV Dance
advertising computer games?

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The Box
Some dodgy CCTV footage of people on a sofa gives way to what might be J-Lo in cargo pants. Yes, it is J-Lo - Jenny From the Block. “What you get is what you see” she says, which would be virtually everything, then. “I’m still Jenny from the block” she pleads, which is scary - if fame hasn’t changed her at all, then she must have been the most priggish kid since Violet Elisabeth Bott. “I know where I came from” apparently. More than Prince Harry can say, we guess.

Blue & Elton John - Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. We had hoped this was just a piece of whimsy that escaped from Thrills into the world. Elton looks as dodgy as Gary Glitter at a Nativity audition - he’s wearing a cheap yellow tracky top and seems to have the sort of bulge that only long hours of inaction at a bar that does quid bottles could give you. This song is so utterly pointless and the video so empty of ideas I’m tempted to go back to the potatoes. “What can I say to make you love me?” pleads Elton, bashing the keyboard. ‘A shot at a Christmas number one’ would appear to be the answer, ‘but even then we’re not calling you Daddy.’

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Kiss
Destiny’s Child - Say Me Name - At last, some class. Although all that start-stop fidgeting always makes us think they’re trying not to piss themselves. The best bit is when Beyonce looks up and can’t stop her hard-baked icequeen crispiness breaking into a grin

Ashanti - happy. s’okay. But its not good enough to take the place of DC, so

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Smash Hits TV
Atomic Kitten - Be With You - “Poll winners is coming” explains the top right corner, ungramatically. Luckily, we just catch the end of this video, which appears to have been made while the Kittens were either in childbirth or trying to find straight members of Westlife to shag, so its just camera in a club.
We’re sure there never used to be so many commercials on SH...

Big Brovaz - sorry, we make a point of never watching anything with clowns in...

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Magic
Elvis v JXL - A little less conversation - are they still playing this? Lennon-shot, get over it. Oh, its Number 1’s week - this chart anniversary really has allowed the music stations to give their imagination a long weekend in Amsterdam, hasn’t it?

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Q
Luckily, we switch on just in time to see Robbie Williams fade out. It’s Madonna Week on Q - we’re sure the last time they did this, it was all Madonna all the time, but clearly that would be dangerous to do now that clawhands is back in celebrity plummet mode

Oasis - Little by Little. Blimey, I didn’t know they had Robert Carlyle in this. Does this mean that he’s so strapped for cash he’s going to seriously consider the guest role in The Chuckle Brothers now?

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Kerranng
Jesse James - Empty Tank. Brass on K! And a decent tune. They’re vaguely like the Neurotics. Is there a psychobilly revival on? It would be a pity to miss it.

Ramstein. You still going?

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Chart Show TV
Pulp - Help The Aged - Part of the DVD chart. And it’s appropriate that they’re playing something from the comedown album. Especially after an afternoon bouncing along the channels, it’s apparent just how gloomy the place will be without Pulp in it. Funny how it all slips away...