THINGS WE HATE IN MUSIC: "Bling Bling." It's all very well snorting at out of date slang and phrases - of course people saying "Groovy", "Punk's not dead" and "Robbie Williams is cheeky, innhe?" are risible, but that's because language dates and there's nothing as stale as yesterday's fresh mintings. But at least for a brief while, it sounds good and fresh. Not so "bling bling" - considering the whole R&B scene is meant to be the new home of rap's fastest wits and most inventive talkers, how ever did anyone ever decide to use this phrase for cash without being given a ritual debagging? It sticks out like a sore thumb in "the" J-Lo's Aint it funny, and makes any number of garage tracks sound like they've been guest-lyriced by the Teletubbies. For god's sake, stop it now.

PUT 'EM ON: I never thought I'd have a good word for Guy Ritchie, but if he's encouraging his wife from waving her breasts around in public, then I think we may have common cause at last. Now, if he could just go about collecting all the copies of Sex, that'd be even better - the precedent here would be when Mrs McCluskey made them go round reposessing all the copies of the Grange Hill school magazine.

CLEAR MURKY: This is a story that's been bubbling away in the States for a while, and is potentially more serious for the state of music than any file-swapping issue that the music industry frets over. In short, Clear Channel, a gigs and radio company, is rapidly building a monopoly of both local radio and concert promotion in the US; and you don't need to be Milton Friedman to know the implications of that for music makers and record labels. Allegations include that Clear are deliberately making losses on some contracts in order to force competitors out of business, and using 'warehousing' - whereby fake companies are established to hold radio licences for Clear that, legally, they're barred from holding under regulations designed to prevent, um, one company dominating a market. Warehousing isn't unknown in the UK - back before restrictions were relaxed in the 90's, EMAP's bankers owned some broadcast licences which were operated by, um, EMAP. It's not illegal, of course, but it's not playing by the rules. You could argue that a lot of the sludge-like radio we get in the UK is due to the dominance of a few groups - Capital have just announced they're going to rebrand one of their portfolios of FM stations all as Capital, but not their Century stations, or X-FM; EMAP also publish magazines, run TV Channels and are piloting both record labels and artist management. The implications of that sort of intergration are pretty stark, of course. And things are looking even grimmer in the US - since two of the biggest ways of getting new music to an audience are through gigging and radio, if you have one company hoovering up those outlets, you could be looking at a single monolith dictating which bands the greater public get to hear. And that's got to be a bad thing.
At long last, Washington has woken up to the threat, and for the first time in memory has turned down an application by Clear to acquire a station. It might come too late; it certainly won't stop them. But at least it suggests they're taking it seriously.
Salon reports - on the other hand, if Clear are hiring Englishmen for their breakfast shows, we've got a demo tape...

PAINT IT BLACK: We have no idea what it's all about, but there's an event slated for the L2 in Liverpool on May 24th called Remix. The bands featured are the Bunnymen and the Coral, but what's really intriguing is that the thing is apparently being co-promoted with the Tate Gallery. Now, we have fond memories a few years back of a London club night called The Alice Club which featured - for the two weeks in which it thrived - a couple of bands from Liverpool playing music while someone painted in the background. Surely this can't be the same thing again? More as we get it, of course.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME - SORT OF: What the pop papers say, 10/4/2002:
yes, in a moment, live, here, we'll be opening our bag that the nme has come in to see if my free Oasis poster is one of the fifty signed ones - apparently after that Liam forgot to spell his name. How exciting is that, then?...

anyway, although there will still be pop papers next week (no groaning, please), this is the last one ever which has a name that speaks truth. for, as you know, next week there will be no more pop papers, only pop magazines, and a bit of us all have died. nobody say nothing about how the reduction in size probably has as much to do with saving on newsprint costs as it does getting a "good" position on the newsstands - after all, look how that worked for the melody maker...

this week's private eye (which could start to produce a smaller edition and call it Inch high Private Eye) reviews Tony Wilson's admittedly headfucking novel based on the film of his life, and gets all vexed because it doesn't know what is real and what is just made up. Sigh. Obviously Tony is no Jeanette Winterson, but surely someone in the Gnome's employ has heard the dictum "There is no such thing as autobiography - there is just art and lies"? My god, if the literary pages of the Eye ever stumble across Popbitch, they'll throw a goose in their knapsack with the lies, lies, lies entwined with the truth...

okay... small roll on the drums... let's see if bsn has won... no. shame. sadly, I shall have to destroy a poster untouched by them. grrr. another free gift, however, is nicer: a heavenly CD - with the Doves, Beth Orton, Manics and - oh yes - Flowered Up's 'Its on.' Any one of these tracks is worth everything Liam has ever signed, and more...

there's also a paper in there, too - Doves have the honour of being the last decent sized picture in the nme, ever (again, though, the ugly band get a cover because its not visible on the newsstands...)

page three screams "New Primal Scream Album to bomb in the US" - 'Bomb the pentagon track may lead to stateside blacklisting post September 11th.' The crucial word here is "may", as this is a total non-story. The sole fact is that the band are going to include a version of Bomb the Pentagon on their new album. Which isn't even due for release in the US as they don't have a deal there. They've not even bothered to raise the issue with any American labels, or the state department, or even the band. Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy journalism, and especially shameful to be barking up non stories off the back of September 11th...

other news: "the nme can reveal" Robbie is doing that G'N'R thing that we banged on about last week; Liam is back on the booze, and probably going to piss away another tour; So solid are going to hold their own festival - well, they won't need security, will they? they can do their own; Dr Dre says that R Kelly better not be on *that* tape - "If you touch a kid, that's it, you're over" - um, unless you reach a healthy out of court settlement, eh, Michael?; Phil from Radiohead is running in the London Marathon - apparently he wants to ask Jimmy Saville some questions; we don't often say fairplay to the nme so gold star for actually bothering to mention in a bit about what parts of britney are sponsored that they're AOL's whores. Although they do seem to think that Britney's endorsement of milk was something to do with her tits; talking of shite bands named after band members: Shaun William Ryder...

popbitch stories they pinched, but wouldn't provide names for: hairy and hot tipped rock newcomers are "secret Christians"; brit band festival rates slump; art-rock band with lead singer smack problems (erm - all of them?)...

on bands: emo types Save The Day; Vue - san fran band with one non-man; and blackpool towers The Shining...

run for your lives: most downloaded ringtone from nme.com this week is the bloody hindu times. Prepare your "Who's phone's got the abba ringtone" gag now...

Idlewild threaten to eat Mark Beaumont in the course of a ramble around Scotland. They don't though. Bah. The new album is about a sense of identity you can't understand, which is good news; Roddy doesn't slag around on tour, which is bad...

Morisette! The Sugababes announcing that "I don't think the whole world should start doing the bootleg thing now. That would just kill the flow" - which is splendid, because (i) you don't think that your cover of 'we don't give a damn about our friends' - a cover of a fucking bootleg - might already be a sign that the underground has already been shrinkwrapped and ready-rolled? and (ii) hurrah! finally, a music scene that really is more indie-schmindie than indie - "we can do it, but if you do it - it's shit"...

Chicks on Speed are, apparently, electroclash - which seems wrong to us. And, personally, we'd have our doubts about ladytron being described as part of a scene that we're not entirely sure actually exists. Interesting pisspoor journalism: Fischerspooner are described as having signed their two million deal with Ministry of Sound "in February, in a blaze of publicity" - um, how come the nme only reported it in April, then? Did the blaze of publicity not burn bright enough for the paper to notice, or is this just wrong? And am I the only person who feels the Fischerspooner are like the London Theatre of Brent doing Romo?...

"This time, we had confidence, and you can hear that" claim the Doves. What? No more mumbling?...

album reviews: damon goes to mali thingy ("You don't have to be WOMAD to work there, but it helps", 6 - it also politely points out that this time last year, Albarn was pushing an album of Icelandic music); Girls against boys - you can't fight... ("dangerously close to getting what they deserve", post-strokes, 6); I Am Sam OST ("Nick Cave [covers] Here Comes The Sun", 5); Hoobastank ("truly do suck ass", 4)...

sotw: doves- there goes the fear ("moping unlikely to be banished forever"); wsotw - cosmetique - jackson ("Krishnas with theremins")...

live - the strokes in brixton ("woooh"); Mclusky in the metro club ("even the hecklers go home happy"); jimmy eat world in portsmouth ("not quite convincing")...

did I mention that this week's nme costs £1-50? Did I mention next week's costs £2? Remember, the kids: It's you who fund AOL's DVD case mail-outs...

BITCHBITCH: Another popbitch moan: the front page is currently sneering at Liz Kershaw because she danced - BY HERSELF - at a wedding.
Now, it seems to me that this is further evidence that most of the team there don't actually enjoy any music other than the sound of animated gasps at their little logos going on.
Is it just me, or is dancing by yourself one of the greatest feelings of liberation you can have? The music has hit you so much it pushes aside any fear of social embarrassment, and you've got the floor entirely to yourself, and the music is loud... one of the greatest experiences in life, surely?

AVOID AT ALL COSTS: BBC2, 8 pm tonight: The Naked Chef. Jamie Oliver AND Jamiroquai.

NO SURPRISES. AGAIN: The worst kept secret in music, that the NME is going to be relauched as a smaller format magazine, has been confirmed - this week's edition will be the last tabloid music paper. They reckon the relaunch - and it is only the fourth or fifth in the last five years - will be accompanied by an investment in editorial content, which is much needed. But probably just means they're taking someone on to sub the 200 word pieces down to twenty five. Forthcoming Bowie piece to read: "He's old. He's good. But he was a bit rubbish in the middle."
MediaGuardian reports - still newsprint inside, because its not like anyone cares about anything other than the cover, is it?

LUXURIOGLASTO: Missing the point entirely, some bloke has bought a field next to the Glasto site where he will offer - for £650 a day - a nice play to stay during the festival. This may be good news for the likes of Ian MacCulloch, who famously complained about how bad the mud was for his white trousers (and whatever happened to the libel action relating to that?), but you have to hope that the man making this offer has got his security sorted. Because now Eavis has gone behind a ring of steel, where will those turned away be likely to turn their attention to next?
It doesn't really make sense, anyway - sure, you might have a comfier bed, and, yes, it is the next farm along from Worthy, but anyone who's had to trudge from the Green Field to the Pyramid Stage a few times a day will know this is hardly nearby in any sense - it's not going to be practical to nip off during Rod Stewart's set to have a quick wizz in the sparkling toilets next door, unless you've set aside a half hour. And if it rains, you're still going to be wading neck deep in mud to get to see the bands, aren't you?
BBC reports - you could probably have Rod Stewart come to your house for that sort of cash...

R KELLY UPDATE: "Another sexual harrasment case wrapped up nicely" smiles R, snapping shut his chequebook.
NME reports - and enough left over for a pair of brunette twins, too

STEADY ON ROBBIE, HELP IS ON ITS WAY: Obviosuly having decided that running up expenses at SXSW and the New Music schmooze wagons is the way to go, the BPI are cooking up plans to make American trips a year-round delight by opening an office to promote British Music in the US. Clearly, the belief is that Americans simply haven't heard of S Club Juniors, rather than that they have heard, and they're just being polite and looking the other way until we get it out of our system. It's hard to see exactly what this 'office' will do - presumably any company that is part of the BPI monolith would already have people dedicated to ensuring deals can be tied up overseas; any company that isn't won't be able to benefit anyway. It's actually akin to the Merseyside's MMDA collection of demo tapes, which currently are gathering dust in their headquarters - just as the MMDA seems to believe there's a massive appetite for Liverpool music in London but people don't know where to look for it, the BPI must imagine that Americans just need a bit of extra help to sign up artists from this country. Here's a tip, BPI, if you really want to do something to help promote British music in America: stop them getting copies of our Top 40. Would you open a chequebook for a country that has drivel like Gareth and Will dominating the sales lists?

HE DOES HAVE A POINT: This, from Marc "thirty six different sorts, apparently" Almond's mouth by way of Ananova:
Marc Almond thinks the public should not have to put up with the Pop Idol losers releasing records.
He believes Will Young should be the only pop star to emerge from the series.
The Soft Cell star says the other finalists can get lost.
He said: "It's very easy to be famous nowadays, but it's also a lot easier to disposed of.
"Why do we have to put up with the Pop Idol losers and runners-up releasing records? It's all very Saturday night karaoke. There's room for Will Young because he won the competition, but the rest can f**k off.
It does make the long, rambling series to find just one Pop Idol a bit redundant now that they're all releasing products - it's rather like at the end of WWTBAM? Chris Tarrant leaning over and saying "You had £16,000. You've now got £1,000. But here, we'll give you a million anyway." At the very least, the losers could be made to have the word "LOSER" tatooed across their forehead.
That Will looks horrible, doesn't he? I mean, really does come across like the sort of little shit in an office who'd suck up to the boss, and would be the one who volunteers for doing the writing on the big flip chart. Horrid, horrid lips. He simpers.

GETS ALL HER FACTS FROM THE LATEST SMASH HITS: Following Emma Jones' decision to take a job more in keeping with her talent (and that should be read icily, by the way) the search is on for someone to take over the chair. Obviously, the days are long gone when this was the best job for an inventive, agile mind, but it's curious that EMAP are having to advertise the post in today's media guardian - is there really such a shallow pool of talent in the company they can't promote from within? Ominously, while acknowledging that the ideal candidate will "love pop", the advert requests that "you know teenagers from their Nokias down to their Nikes." Of course it is a "consumer magazine", but all the while the title is treated as an advert delivery method, it's never going to regain its spark.
If you fancy a go at running Ver Hits, send a CV, 200 word critique of where the magazine is now, and 500 words of plans to andrew.harrison@emap.com. Closing date April 15th.
If you'd prefer something a little less career-making, and a little more fun, Kerrang are running a competiton whose winner gets to interview Shirley Manson and the, um, rest of Garbage. The details are here, but you'll have to be quick. Our five questions would be:
No, really, what do you think you're doing with the hair?
What would it take to get Garbage to cover Goodbye Mr McKenzie's 'The Rattler'?
If you hate doing interviews so much, why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this one?
Butch, was that an ironic nickname?
Shirley, was all that stuff about you being mates with Jenna Elfman that embarassed you in the NME interview the band's coded way of hinting that you're dabbling with Scientology?
No, I don't think I'll win, either...

AND THE OTHER ONE... This mildly amused me, and probably only me, but turning over a large pile of papers yesterday I found a page torn from the much-missed Shout, Liverpool John Moores University's student magazine until they merged with the University's title to produce Liverpool Stupid. Um, Liverpool Student. (Actually, while I'm veering off the subject, why on earth did they take the design and format from the Gazette and the journalism from Shout, when Shout looked good enough to buy but was written so poorly it once managed to libel landlords whose gas fires had killed someone; while the Gazette made the Morning Star look like an international fashion magazine but was actually quite well-written? But anyway, where was I? Oh, yes...)
This piece had the results of a competition, and provided the answer to the question "Name the members of Take That." Guess who they missed out? Yup, Mr. Williams.
Apparently, Robbie has joined the Sunday Times Rich List this year - that long, inaccurate list of people who are considerably richer than you they produce every year. ("It says here the Queen has a lot of money.") Which is in a way kind of depressing, don't you think? If Gary Barlow had lots of money, you'd know he at least would be spending it well. But Williams? How many cookie jars that make farting noises can he possibly want? What will he do with that cash? It should be taken off him for his own good. And I'm volunteering...

QUIET CONTEMPT: More on that B&S backwash, then. As if to demonstrate how out of favour the band are now, there's a review of them in The Guardian this weekend in which Alexis Petridis seems desperate to avoid being caught doing anything as unfashionable as actually liking them. The main gripes seem to be "too quiet" (well, yes) and that, by directing the whole of the gig to the diehard fans at the front (and applauding microphone stand adjustments really is some sort of new low in sycophancy, I guess), the band are, um, showing contempt for their audience. I'm not so sure; usually I find myself nodding quietly along to AP's reviews, and I certainly wouldn't be as foolhardy as to attempt to argue that B&S's tweeness doesn't sometimes get cloying, but how could you hear them cover Another girl, another planet and not feel you've had a good night?
The review in full(minating) - I'd say hats off to a band who actually have a "We have enough fans; we're not hiring right now" attitude