See? He said my face was pretty

So, the long-awaited Jackson riposte film has been shown in the US (Sky One will be finding room for it in the UK), and we'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to Jackson. It turns out we were wrong - he's a great dad, he's in no way insane, and that Martin Bashir is a nasty piece of work no question, guv.

Well, we would like to, but since Jackson hasn't sent us a huge cheque, we're going to stick to the truth. Michael, pet, when Bashir said nice things to you, he was putting you at your ease - do you see? And if you watch the Tonight which you describe as a travesty, it's clear he started off with the intention of presenting you in a positive light, but your behaviour made it impossible.

So you thought Berlin zoo would be closed when you took the kids there? Fair enough. But when it was obvious that it wasn't, why did you parade the little nippers through the midst of that scrum? See, the problem wasn't that the kids were in a dangerous situation, it was your total failure to try and get them out.

Oh, and the woman who bore your kid popped up to say its her who insists on the masks, and that she'd have another child for you like a shot. Well, I'm convinced by that. A caring mother who just doesn't bother to have anything to do with her child's upbringing, yet does insist they and their siblings wear face masks at all time - there's no way that doesn't ring true, is there? "Being the child of Michael Jackson, junior could be in danger. But if he puts a gauze mask on, everything will be fine."