No Rock And Roll Fun

EUROVISION FALLOUT: We've received a brown paper envelope containing the votes of Simon Tyer's jury for the Eurovision, which we bring you - along with our less-than-measured responses where appropriate:
Since you mentioned it...

Do you think the publishers of Kiss Kiss minded the chorus backing track being used by Turkey?

Ah, but to be fair, Kiss Kiss was originally Turkish wasn't it? It's just taking it back home again...

Billy Joel for Estonia? Ben Folds, surely? As portrayed by a younger Jack Dee, that is. Also interesting to see Breakfast's Natasha Kaplinsk representing Malta and Helen Chamberlain singing for Holland.

I'm sticking with Billy Joel - after all, Ben Folds is little more than someone who thinks its fun to dress up as Billy Joel. The Estonian (and Mr. Joel himself, in between spells of working his way through the Bourbons of the world) thinks its just cool to be Billy J...

Did I miss the byelaw which meant every country had to have at least one of Atomic Kitten on backup? Ireland got all three, I think.

Having said which, many of the backing singers rammed home how unusual it is to see women of a normal shape on the television singing (outside of 4 Goes To Glynbourne). Which makes me feel a bit guilty about the Mandy Dingle / black being slimming jibes, really...

Did you notice some of the bits of film before the songs featured music perhaps betraying what the producers would rather be listening to? Portugal were introduced with La La Love You off Doolittle, then Croatia's ripoff of Christina Milian's When You Look At Me got Stereolab's Miss Modular.

I'd missed this; I was too busy trying to figure out if the constant use of the venue itself for the "postcards" - to use the technical term - had been determined by the lack of spare cash, or if - once you've seen the zoo and the, erm, big satellite dish, you've seen all there is to see of the country?

Did the Ukrainian bloke really sign off with "goodbye, assholes!"?

Probably. Very unusual to hear so much hostility during the voting when Russia kept being booed. Oh, and when Lorraine Kelly replaced Colin Berry. In our house at least.

Tel mumbled at one point about the possibility of a post-Iraq UK backlash, as indeed had some of the previews. If that was so, how come France and Germany both finished in the bottom half when everyone said they'd get votes just for being so openly anti-war?

And Turkey, of course, not noticeably an anti-war country. Indeed, if there was going to be a backlash, surely hitting the place which went "we'll support you, if you settle this large bill, Mr. Bush" would have made more sense? Although the cost of staging next year's contest will probably soak up most of the money the US gave to Turkey for their part in Saddam's downfall...

Of course, gemini today are saying they couldn't hear themselves, and then someone did switch the monitor on and it was way too loud...

Is man really the measure of all things, Austria? Fantastic moment on the BBC3 post-show, er, show, when the roving mike bloke asked him whether he was pleased with sixth place to be met by a half-joking torrent of abuse ending "I fucking hate this contest!" On live TV.