No Rock And Roll Fun

HEY, DID I MENTION I HAVE BOOBIES?: Pity poor Mariah. No, really. After her break up with Tommy Mottola, she re-invented herself as a breasty, sexy nymph. Okay, she tried to; she ended up looking like your mum in a bikini but that isn't the point. The trouble is, having pulled 'em out once, she's got nothing to 'surprise' us with, putting her in a tricky position now her career really is starting to implode. In the next Maxim, she's trying to give us last Christmas' gift all over again: "I know I have this image that's sexy. But I'm basically like Mary Poppins. That's my nickname! I'm prudish. It's like playing dress up. When you go through difficult stuff as a kid sometimes your childhood stays with you. I've hung onto that. There was a period when I was in a relationship that was confining, where I had to wear turtlenecks and long pants and that wasn't me. I broke out of that - around the same time of the "Honey" video, where I jump out of the water like a secret agent - everybody was shocked. But that was the real me coming out." (You'll also note that in that one paragraph she manages to confusingly state that she's prudish and it's 'dressing up' when she strips off, but also that it's, erm, the real her.)

But the real proof that the game is up is her choosing to yak away about Eminem - albeit not fucking him. It's an immutable law of celebrity that to discuss a relationship with another celebrity is on a par with a dog in a fight showing its jugular. You only go into details when you are lower in the global pecking order than the person who you may or mayn't have shagged. Thus, Robbie made his remarks about Kylie; Geri blabs about George. And, Mariah signals her awareness of how she's no longer top table by trying to retail 'my night with Eminem.' It's the act of a former star who knows they're running low on cultural capital; like the poker player on a losing streak trying to use their car to meet the bet, it's almost tragic to watch the debasement.

So, yes: Pity Mariah.

Having said which, if she tries to release another record, we're going to release the hounds.

Not that she's not still without her supporters - Jason MacNeil of the Tornoto Sun tries to talk her up, suggesting that in the venue "the upper tier [was] fashionably curtained off to give a more intimate feel" - I believe that's what's actually known as closing off half the house. By the end of the review, even MacNeil runs out of ways to cover the poor sales: The crowd and Carey would have been better served in a theatre setting. Although the floor and some side sections were nearly full, the back of the arena, sprinkled with people, told another story.